Time to Change

I want more of God. I want to live a higher life. I'm tired of being the way i am. There's something about receiving from God that transforms us. I want to be better. I want to be happier.

 tired of this old chris. time for a new. i didn't realize how many issues i have lol. I can easily be a depressed and negative person. I'm so fed up, that it's time to change. I need to change my thoughts and behaviors. I need to stop feeding my bad habits and start creating new healthy habits. change is hard and painful. How do you really change what you think and feel? How do you care less about things that are important to you.

I need to step outside my problems and see things in a different perspective. I need sanctification. I want to be secure and rooted in my identity in Christ. I need to stop all my shanangins and jus simply be. i want to be so in love with God, that really nothing else matters. God help me to surrender to your love. Help me to trust you more. Help me to make you first.

I would describe myself as someone lying in the mud right now. I've ran from God and lost everything, i have nothing left. I'm tired of doing things the same way and making the same mistakes. Trying harder jus makes my issues worst. It's time to break these idols i've set up. I need to simply let go and move on from things i can't change or control. I need to give up these fairytale desires that aren't realistic.

I need to grow in maturity by investing into right things. I need to engage my will and conform it to God's will. I need to seize each day and enjoy the present. I easily feel defeated with not much energy. But God says, with whatever you got, jus move your pinky just a little and hold on to me and i'll pull you through this mess. It will be a slow process of healing and relearning and it won't happen over night. But a pinky finger in the right direction is better than staying face down in the mud.

letting go

I feel like i can't do anything right. i overvalued things that made me happy. and i jus don't know how to let go. i don't want to be me. I want to be better and healthier. I want to be less dependent on people to be okay. I really need to change. I jus don't know how to get there. I realized i don't like being alone. i waste so much time. I need to be more active and fill my life with good things. I put too much emphasis on things that made me happy and I obviously over think everything. I hate feeling like this. I can't believe how well i am at messing everything up. I need self-control. i need to surrender my thoughts and emotions and just stop trying so hard to fix things. Get your life together chris. stop chasing what's out of your control. Fighting to solve my problems seems to just make it worst. Letting go seems like accepting loss. i don't understand why i care so much to preserve the good things in the past. God help me to let go. Help me to trust you. just let go chris. things can't be the way you want. stop trying. let it go. go do something to better yourself.

I hate how i over complicate things. Letting go just seems like throwing everything away. You can't throw away things that have value and meaning. But i guess if i broke something important, i guess it does lose it's value. man I'm pathetic. i don't know what to do. how can we be ok when things aren't ok, guess ill jus give up and stop dwelling on it

Prayer should be our first option, not last


It's time to let go. It's time to surrender. I need to stop holding on. I have a really hard time letting go. I want to change my past, present and future, but those are out of my control. I've given up my own vain efforts. There's really nothing i can do anymore. Except in every situation there's always one thing we can do. And that's to trust God. When we pray and trust that everything is in God's hands, we can stop worrying. I want things to go back to the way they were. When you lose something valuable and important, we fight for it and try everything we can to get it back. But maybe we're just supposed to accept the loss and say goodbye. I wish i was more grateful and took care of the things the way i should've when i had the chance. There's nothing left to do but to pray and let go.

They say time heals all, but really isn't it God slowly healing our wounds? God not only makes our situation better, but he also makes us better and stronger in the process. I've caused deep injury, suffering and pain to others and myself. God says that there's grace, but I still have a hard time letting go of my guilt and forgiving myself because i'm reminded of the hurt that still lingers. God says to surrender, let go, and to trust Him. God is the only one who can sovereignly bring healing to our brokenness. God help me to trust you more. Help me to keep my head up. Fill me once again and restore my soul. Thank you for being a God who heals. You are worthy of all praise. Please be with those who are hurting and remind them of your great love.

Passion

     Today at service we had a bunch of ppl from another church come to visit. I saw about 5 friends from an old korean church i used to go to. It was refreshing to see them again. I like when church can be a safe place for friends to jus hangout. I think Korean-American churches understand the importance of community and living life together, and not jus bouncing after service.

Seeing a bunch of old friends today made me a little sad because moving from church to church really does strain friendships. I want close friendships to endure and last forever. anyways, one of the reasons I'm at this church now is because they have this really good youth pastor. every time he preaches it blows my mind. I aspire to be like him and teach with the same passion.

     Do you ever sit in church and actually feel something inside you yearning for change? yearning to become better? yearning for something more? I'm not quite sure what it was.. But do you ever get this burning sensation where you're filled with God's love? When we get really close to God, sometimes our hearts can feel God's heartbeat. We can actually sense God's spirit within us. And the words of scripture come alive. We become filled and satisfied by his love. His spirit is like water to our soul.
     

young forever

Let's go back to that time. that time of laughter. You know what i'm talking about. That time where we ran around playing silly games without a care in the world. who cares about school and grades. We could eat a box of popsicles, play video games and watch cartoons. We could take naps and dream the day away. Or we could listen to music and stare at the stars on the beach. We could build a fort in the sand. Go to a theme park or have your mom drop us off at the mall. Let's go for a walk not knowing where we're going. Let's prank call people at 2 in the morning. Let's gather all our friends for a poker night. Let's play hide and seek n tag. Let's make a stupid utube video. Let's throw water balloons at classmates houses, and drive off laughing like we accomplished something. Let's watch seasons of anime or watch a bunch of NBA games. Just set up the video game system or find a addicting computer game and we got entertainment for days. Let's go sneak into a rated R movie and not get busted by the security guards. Let's go to the carnival and ride every ride. Let's go buy clothes we really don't need. Let's talk on the phone and watch an episode of Friends. Let's go for joy rides and hangout at Walmart. Let's watch music videos all night and draw a world we can live in. Let's go eat a box of mochi ice cream and some curly fries. Let's go buy a box of puppies and roll around with them. Let's run away and be young forever, cuz i don't want to grow up.

Eudiamonism: Virtues & Vices

Eudaimonia (εὐδαιμονία) is a greek word commonly translated as happiness or welfare; however, "human flourishing" has been propsed as a more accurate translation. Etymologically, it consists of the words "eu" (good) and "daimon" (spirit). It is a central concept in Aristotelian ethics and political philosophy, along with the terms "arete", most often translated as "virtue" or "excellence", and "phronesis", often translated as "practical or ethical wisdom". In Aristotle's works, eudaimonia was used as the term for the highest human good, and so it is the aim of practical philosophy, including ethics, to consider and to also experience what it really is, and how it can be achieved.


Do you want happiness? Do you want to experience the fruits of the spirit in your life? Do you want to grow in ma-churity? Do you want to be better? and live a higher quality of life? I want to be better. I want to live a better life. I want transformation. Reflecting on virtues and maturity has given me a better perspective of who I want to be. This process of change requires vision, intention and the means. I believe our gracious Father gladly gives us the things we ask for according to his will. The problem is that we don't ask.


Eudiamonism is something i've been thinking about lately. It's a fancy word for describing Christian ethics and morals. When you really think about it, i think it blows your mind. It involves growing in our character. Living out virtues is closely linked to happiness. There's actually experts that study what happiness is. They all agree that self seeking pleasure does not lead to true happiness. In Matt. 5 Jesus says, "blessed are those poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom.. blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for they will be filled."

World's Apart

Some day you will find me
I haven't gone too far
I miss the way we were back then
How we laughed
I can feel you in my heart

There's a world in your eyes
I can see it getting brighter
All the hours that we turned into days
We were young seemed like life would go on last forever
All I had was you by my side

Some day you will answer
Remember how we were
When all our hopes and dream
Just glided through the air 
I feel it in my heart

I can feel you in my heart
That's the way that it was in the past you remember
When we ran through the winds and the rain
We were young seemed like life would go on last forever
Now everything has changed

Blue Skies  -Blackpool Lights
If ever there was a time
That you would say to me
This fire's burned out
Leaving only smoking black debris
I'd find a light to lead us
I'd find some meaning through it all
We'd search between the shadows 
Cast across this wall

Please don't wait forever
Please don't throw it all away

I'm watching these blue skies turn to grey
And all these friendships fade away

If ever there was a way
That I could say to you
I'm lost in darkness
Searching for a way to make it through
And if this sky does clear up
I hope this wouldn't be the end
It's harder to be honest
Than to just pretend

Please don't wait forever
Please don't throw it all away

I'm watching these blue skies turn to grey 
And all these friendships fade away
These clouded memories are seen through bloodshot eyes
I'm watching these blue skies turn to grey

First Love

"But I have this against you, that you have left your first love. 

Therefore remember from where you have fallen, and repent and do the deeds you did at first" -Rev. 2:4-5

I’m starting to see that I really do need God. “Uhm no duh chris..” I shouldn't rely on others or my own strength to find happiness. This is kinda tricky because when you think about it, our relationships and friendships really do mean everything to us. However, they should never replace our trust in God. I discovered that I intuitively ran to people to sustain me rather than God.

God is my joy. God is my strength. God is my hope. God is my healer. God is my comfort. God is my redeemer. God is my fortress, my shield and hiding place. God forgives all my sins. God loves and accepts me regardless of all my mistakes and failures. God’s grace is free. These are truths i constantly need to remind myself. 

But i haven’t been available to receive these things from Him. Passive apathy is basically being numb to receiving from God. I’ve isolated and withdrawn myself, even from God. . I was probably a little frustrated at God for a while because He seems to like to play hide and seek and doesn't always show up in the way i expect Him to. And because I got tired of seeking, i sought after other things.. We turn to temporary things to distract or escape, but they don't ultimately satisfy. At the core of us, we deeply long for intimacy with God. Withdrawing from community also never helps. 

Knots

Have you ever made a stupid mistake that you can't seem to forgive yourself of? Maybe a bunch of stupid mistakes. Maybe these mistakes affected others and hurt those you cared for the most. I'm filled with guilt and regret. And anger towards myself for my decisions. No matter how much i repent, i don't see how i could ever receive forgiveness and grace. I wish i could wake up and realize it was all just a bad dream and had another chance to make things right. I don't see how we're supposed to just simply move on. Is that really the answer? As difficult as it is to untie knots, eventually they can become untangled and resolved right? I learned that trying to immediately fix things sometimes makes the knot even worst. Maybe it takes waiting for someone else to help.

A Change in Perspective

Sometimes we need to change our perspective. Sometimes I need to change my perspective. I tend to focus on the negatives and be a critical pessimist. In psychology one is taught to analyze, observe, critique, crunch information, and do lots of introspection. In theology one is also taught to spend lots of time in meditation, reflection and to gain knowledge/insight about God and yourself. I spend so much time over thinking. I spend so much of my day weighing options and possible solutions. I do everything i can to make my future certain, and to have the best results. This is part of perfectionism, and trying to make everything in life just the way you want it. I get angry at myself sometimes because i feel like i screw up so much. I hurt people. I say or don't say things. I fall into the same holes. Even when we try to make the best decisions, we'll still make mistakes. Even the best boxer will get knocked in the face and hit the ground. It's not about if you'll get knocked down, it's about whether you have the ability to can get back up and to keep fighting. Giving up, feeling defeated and lying on the ground never gets me anywhere.

Have you ever..

Have you ever found yourself in an unexplainable groove?
Have you ever experienced an unusual phenomenon you can't describe with words?
Have you ever observed yourself changing? Like you felt like you were becoming someone different?
Have you ever found yourself becoming weaker by falling into bad mood slumps?
Have you ever found yourself rise above and become a stronger person?
Have you ever endured excruciating suffering or pain?
Have you ever thought you'd be a horrible word speller without technology?
Have you ever lost something that you didn't realize how valuable it was till it was gone?
Have you ever found something you thought you lost forever?
Have you ever lost an awesome thought and wondered where it went? like the reason why u were about to blog?
Have you ever done something for the first time you thought you could never do?
Have you ever laughed so hard, you collapse to the ground bursting out in laughter and tears?

Stop to Smell the Roses

Do you ever get caught up thinking too much about the "big picture?" i've been so anxious to get somewhere else in the future that i haven't been faithful to the small things in the present. Sometimes my mind gets so worried about the future. I can't help but over analyze everything.

I watched my cousin's 3yr old son have the time of his life with this automatic bubble gun. He couldn't stop laughing and being so amazed at the bubbles. There is joy in simply being.

Then her other 1yr old son went to town on this bottle of milk and began crashing out on me, but i freaked out cuz it felt like his diaper got heavier. and the rule is, if ur holding him last, u change the diaper. so i was tryin to pass him off like a hot potato

It feels a little weird not being able to see all the little ones in my family grow up. I have one cousin who is magically a junior in high school already. and i feel bad cuz i wasn't really there for him since i moved up to CA. it sucks he lives on like the other side of the island, and i don't have a car

awkward

isn't it awkward that some things are only awkward after you say the situation is awkward?

This is probably more common for guys. but sometimes when guys greet each other, say bye, or just finished a pick up game, someone hasta throw everyone off by giving a fist bump pound instead of a quick cool hand shake. So.. ur goin in for a hand shake, then u see the guy reveal a fist.. so you quickly switch to a fist also, but right before u make contact, they switch to an open hand.. and then u just make the most awkward hand covering a fist contact shake, like ur playing rock, paper, scissors.