Conviction Leading to Repentance

Just a blog about how I haven't been doing well spiritually this summer. But even through a dry season, God has been teaching me a lot about how I approach spiritual disciplines.

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EDIT  AUGUST 29, 2011

I often struggle with meeting my own expectations and trying to do everything right. It's like there's a bar, a high bar for what a Good Christian should be like. If i'm doing bad spiritually, then i often just isolate myself, pretend i'm doing well and withdraw from running to God. It really isn't that hard front and pretend your doing good. I often just hide in the shame and guilt of my sin. But because we have been forgiven and declared righteous in Christ, we shouldn't toil in our unhealthy shame and guilt. As children who've committed a wrong, we should confess, repent and know that there is forgiveness from our heavenly Father. But sometimes Christianity just seems like it's only about the Do's and Don'ts. If Christianity were just that, it'd just be another religion based on performance, works, and not sinning too much. And religion based on ....
one's own human efforts is a self-righteousness that leads to pride, or in my case despair and condemnation. Because I do so poorly in spiritual disciplines, i feel like i just stink at being a Christian, or seminary student. It seems i judge or rate myself based on how well i'm doing spiritual disciplines, or lack of..

I've fallen into the lusts and idols of the world. I can be easily distracted. I fall for sins of omission and laziness. I can waste hours and days just on entertainment, media, food, sleep, indulgences, and that makes me idle to God. It makes me numb and distant to God's voice. It seems there's a battle raging within me, desperately wanting to be in commune with the Holy Spirit and at the foot of Jesus, and in the arms of Abba Father, and then there's chris wanting to have his own selfish way. I feel like i fell off the horse and im just stayin there, not getting back up.

However, our relationship with God is not based on sheer performance, effort, works and spiritual disciplines. God is after our heart. God is after my heart and not how much i can do right. And in order to achieve a pure desire and ability to do spiritual disciplines, we must center ourselves around the Gospel. The Gospel is the key to empowering Christians to live for Him. It takes faith in God's grace to have the power and passion to follow in His ways. I've tried to accomplish things all on my own, because that's how our world and culture teaches us to do things. I know i've said this a thousand times, but receiving God's love for us, gives us the strength and ability to love God back and others. Without absorbing, receiving and soaking in God's love, we become dry and empty. This is very common for those who just serve serve and serve in ministry. Sometimes the right thing to do is to be like Mary at the feet of Christ. Being with Christ, and making time for fellowship are absolutely necessary for one's spiritual growth and sanctification. In order to glorify, love, praise, worship and do good works, one must first come to the cross and encounter God's love n grace. Any spiritual disciplines that are not motivated or centered around the Gospel leads to a dry and empty religion. I know, because i've taken that route many times. It's about abiding in Him. A transformation that occurs by having a rich relationship with God. Apart from Him we can do nothing.

Not being in God's word, or in prayer is like not communicating or speaking with a loved one. If we truly say we love God, we should enjoy spending time with Him. It should be our deepest joy to just talk to God and be with Him. So don't beat yourself up like i do, if it seems you arn't doing anything right and doing everything wrong. God's grace is unconditional, free of charge. We arn't judged by how well we perform, how long we prayed, how many church services we sat in, or how many works we did this week. We are judged by the blood of the Lamb. If we are covered by the blood of Christ, we are forgiven, and given a new heart. Once we are born again in Christ, our faith should lead us to love and good deeds automatically. If you love chicken katsu, you won't be forced to eat it. If you love someone, then you'll desire to spend time with them and be with them. 

this is kinda how my mind works.. It starts by seeing our total depravity, and inability to do anything good on our own, and the desperate and dire need for a Savior and God who helps us love and growth. lol who cares about sentence structure, this is a blog n not a school paper


Conviction> Repentance of Sins and Idols> Abiding & Waiting on God > Receiving His Love & Grace>  Desire to Know Him > Receiving the Power of His Holy Spirit > Joyful Obedience in Doing Spiritual Disciplines > Sanctification > Praising God, Loving Others and Good Fruit

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JULY 22, 2011
Im pretty sure i felt discouraged, frustrated with myself and jus sucky at life, lol
The edit in Aug 28, is how long it took me to really come to my senses about everything ive been goin through. If ur not doing good spiritually, dont jus dwell on how bad ur doing. Repent and find fellowship with God and other believers. Dont withdraw and hide like i did.

So i finished two intense summer classes for school. At school i've been gaining a lot of knowledge. However, i feel like i haven't been prioritizing the practice of spiritual disciplines or any ministry/counseling skills. There are so many requirements and high academic standards that i feel like im there for a degree and good grades, rather than the pursuit of knowing God deeper. Everything is about reading books, regurgitating it back on quizzes and test. One of my professors mentioned that a seminary student who isn't participating in an active ministry is like a stagnant pond. Just storing up exegetical techniques, greek vocabulary, and all the theological jargon and not being able to use it, can be quite frustrating. Perhaps i don't feel like im being used. I am learning a lot from my classes. But sometimes, it's so much that i can't contain and remember it all. Too much content, information overload! maybe i try to take too many classes in a semester.

Another one of my professors mentioned that being faithful to our classwork and studies is being faithful to God. However, school and the work load is so demanding that sanctification almost seems religious and exhausting. I also don't feel right with seeing seminary as a substitute for my entire spiritual walk or church. But sometimes i'll try to rationalize, or make rational-lies that it is a substitute or enough.

I debated even sharing this blog. I rather my blogs be uplifting and encouraging to others. I rather have a blog full of praise. And in a sense God is still praised for convicting me of a selfish and sinful routine summer. If you had 24 hours, a week, a month with nothing really scheduled, how would you spend it. Would you seize each day and make the most of it? Or would you waste time being unproductive, lazy and idle? If i'm stagnant and not growing, i feel like i'm just falling back into a lazy default. 

Now that it's summer. It's embarrassing to say that i have a lot of time and yet i still don't devote much to God. Every moment can be an opportunity to worship God and commune with Him. This blog is an ugly confession at how bad i'm doing lately. But it's true. I need to manage my time and self better.

Christianity is doing things because of what He already did. We should enjoy spending time with God and others, it should be our highest joy. We should desire to do things for God, because of His love. Religion is the opposite. Religion is doing things for God, so that God will then approve of us. What confuses me, is that some blessings are conditioned and others and unconditioned. We are blessed everyday by God's grace, and yet there are other blessings that require us to take action first. For instance, if I do a good deed, such as feeding the homeless, then God would bless me with a deeper compassion for those in need. So in many cases, blessings are conditioned by good works. I don't know if im making any sense. I just want to make sure my intent and motive for doing things isn't just for a selfish spiritual blessing, it should be done unconditionally out of love regardless of reward.

I've spent my last two weeks very selfishly. I've just been indulging in food and sleep. It'd be nice to hangout with people more often, but most of them work. That leaves me at home without a car. Lately, it just seems like everything i do is for myself. I dont even take care of myself well. The things i do for myself arn't even healthy or good. I just sit in front of a computer or watch a movie. I wanted to make a difference in specific people's lives. Especially my family. Sometimes i just don't have the boldness to speak out. I just feel like i haven't done anything right. I feel greatly disappointed in myself. I feel like a lazy slob, a sluggard, and a selfish child. I have trouble with moderation. Without moderation it becomes an addiction. I'm addicted to food, comfort, media entertainment, and fun. These things suck so much of my time, that these distractions have actually become sin for me. Over doing lazy mode doesn't honor God. I have no problem stuffing my face with snacks, sleeping at strange hours, watching 8 seasons of 24, watching korean dramas, playing video games, and staying home all day. And yet I can't even pray or read my bible for 3 minutes. It's sad. I've become numb to God. I haven't been responding, it's the truth. I also haven't been attending church, and i just feel yucky inside. I feel like something needs to change. I need to change. I need to come up with specific ways i can get my walk back in order, so i can reach out to others.

I think i realize the high bar a pastor is expected to meet. I see the high bar a Christian is to meet. I don't see myself hitting 2% of those expectations. I feel like living for God takes a whole lot of work, time, energy and sacrifice. God gave everything, and yet i cant seem to give Him back anything. I'm absolutely selfish and sinful without God's help. Sometimes it just seems like our Christianity is too much about doing. I need to practice more with just being with God, then the doing should come natural. But right now, being and abiding with God has become a challenge. I struggle so much in my daily walk, i feel very inadequate to lead others. I know God wants to use me, but i seem to keep resisting. I think it comes down to a pride issue. It seems i am hungry for comfort and control. I like things easy, and i like things my way. I pray that God would humble me.

Perhaps just spending more time with God and other believes is the solution. Reflecting and receiving God's love for me definitely seems like a good start. Worship music, and scripture usually get the wheels going. Hopefully i can get my act together for the rest of the summer. And no matter how low i get, God still loves unconditionally. I need to remind myself that God accepts me just as I am and doesn't condemn me. His incredible love and grace should motivate us to live for His glory and not our own.