I spent the last 4-5 days at Greg's aunty's house. I slept over 3 days. It was a little cramped with 10 people in the house. I shared a bed with greg with josh and joseph also in this tiny room. Surprisingly we were able to cope with only one bathroom. It was nice gettin to share some of our struggles with each other, and to take some time to jus chill. Kris and Melissa are moving to Missouri soon, so I guess we all just wanted to spend as much time together as we could. It kinda felt like another short spring break. It was nice joking around, eating tons of awesome food, playing video games, seeing ironman, eating crepes and going on road trips. I jus wish we worked out more instead of being lazy. I was also really encouraged to see their family pray with each other every night. I think we Christians have somehow lost the value of praying with each other.
I talked to greg's aunty for a while. And I got really convicted. I gained a lot of realizations this week. I feel like God is communicating to me through different people. She told me that when I feel alone, isolated, defeated, discouraged and depressed, that I need to rekindle a joy in God. A desire for Him. And this bright joy comes from knowing our identity in Him. It means going back to the center of the Gospel and the power of God's love/grace. I realized that i've been so distant to God because I haven't been prioritizing spending time with God. Go figure. God's presence seems to have withdrawn a little, so it requires me to seek Him in a deeper faith. I realized that quality time with God really comes out from spending quantity time with God. I've been tryin to be relationally intentional with people, but i realized that I also need to be intentional with my relationship with God.
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Sometimes I expect God to magically meet me, speak to me, and give me awesome divine revelations. The truth is that God doesn't always baby us. He sometimes takes a step back and calls us to take baby steps to him. Baby steps in the right direction is better than going ten miles off course. It's kind of like the dad that lets go of the bike to grow us. For a while I was afraid that doing spiritual disciplines would somehow turn into a works-righteousness or a type of religious legalism. And that can be easy with the wrong intentions and the motives of our heart. But at the same time we can't jus go to the other side of the pendulum and cut out spiritual disciplines completely.
I rationalized and compromised by making excuses for my lack of spiritual disciplines. "I don't have time." "Seminary will make up for skipping church or not reading my bible." "If i'm involved in ministry and serving, I don't really need to do devotion times.""I already heard a bunch of sermons and become familiar with the bible, I don't need to do all that again." "I have no one to keep me accountable, other people don't do it, i don't need to either." "I'll just do quick 5 minute devotions."
And eventually we mask and hide that we really aren't doing well spiritually. It's easy to pretend we're "all good." It's easy to become a people pleaser and to put on an outer Christian facade. But this is what Jesus warned the pharisees of doing. Inside they were really rotten and dead inside. I feel like sometimes my false self tries so hard to impress, entertain and to get others to like me or think highly of me. I feel like if I were to share my true self, it'd be very ugly. People get annoyed with certain attitudes, so we're conditioned to only show what others like or are comfortable with. It's important that we find a community or a group of people who we can share and trust our real selves with. We need to be spiritually naked in front of God, so He can cleanse us from the filth of our sins, guilt, shame and insecurities.
We turn to idols and try to fill ourselves with other things to fill this spiritual void. For a long time i turned to people to fill this void. It's true that we need healthy relationships in our life, but that shouldn't supplement for our relationship with God too. God has been teaching me to be okay with doing things alone. I can't always depend on others to help me.
When i intentionally try to spend time with God, and don't "feel" or sense God's presence. I need to learn to have faith in believing that I am communing with God. Trusting God isn't based on whether we're able to sense Him or not. However it's much easier when you can sense God's Spirit and God's love consume you. God is calling me to mature in deeper faith. God sometimes stretches us outside our comfort zone to sanctify us, and to make our faith stronger. It's like increasing the weight to grow our spiritual muscles.
It's time to walk the walk. Walking requires consistency. I need to depend on God daily, even more than food and air. I think meditating on scripture and focusing on prayer are very powerful disciplines that I need to work on. I need to stop taking quick supplements and easy shortcuts. I need to develop patience in being in quiet stillness. I feel like i need to practice praying in confidence in solitude and with others. It can be a little awkward sometimes, but I need to learn to take the bold initiative to ask people if I could pray with/for them.
I definitely need to take more walks, and listen to more worship music. These things help me come to a place of submission. It really does take some time to prepare my anxious and distracted heart. It can be so difficult to pray and wait upon Him. I realized that the reason i usually feel tired, burnt out and have down feelings, is because i'm simply not resting in God and trusting in Him to sustain me. Relying solely on ourselves and our own energy is basically starving ourselves. Eventually we feel empty because we aren't filled with God's Spirit. We become numb, dull and idle to God. God sometimes spiritually slaps us to wake us up and to actually put our faith into action and practice.
I felt like serving in ministry meant God was using me. And he was. But i also felt that if I wasn't in ministry then God wasn't using me. And that's false. My self worth isn't based on my occupation or performance. My identity and belonging are rooted in my relationship to God. I feel like too many pastors and leaders make their ministry supplement their walk with God. Sometimes they can get so caught up with helping others that they completely neglect their families and their selves.
God calls us to take care of ourselves first. We need to get oxygen first for ourselves before we offer oxygen and take care of others. We have a responsibility to our faith. We have the ability to make decisions of change. God has given us the means to commit to consistent disciplines. Eventually God says we need to switch from drinking milk to eating meat. If I really do love God and confess that He's first in my life, shouldn't I be joyfully obedient and desire to spend more time with Him? Now I just need to hold to these realizations and convictions... daily
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