merp

Coming up with blog titles is hard. you wanna be creative, original, and have somethin that summarizes it all. but then u realize that u wrote about so many random topics.. should u not have a title? Nonetheless here comes another long blog a blong.. haha so lame

Do u ever catch yourself comparing yourself with your peers? I have a lot of friends that are already set with a full time stable career for life. Sometimes i just wish i was all set up with something secure instead of still being in school. i've been contemplating what I should do for work. I've debated getting a part time job since i make negative income right meow. It'd be nice to have something to keep me busy. However, part of me wants to just wait since I have my whole life to work after i graduate. I wanna have a balanced life, where you can have a good job, make enough mula, and still be happy. I just don't want a job to get in the way of the things that I really enjoy in life.

I was watching house hunters international last night, and it made me realize how am i ever gonna be able to save up all that money to buy a house? How exactly am I gonna make a living? Should I go for more education? A masters in social work or marriage family therapy would overall become a higher salary business. I'd probably be more professional and competent, but it also means more time, energy and debt. I'm thinking of just working after I graduate, and maybe keep another degree as a future option. Trying to create a proposal for a "care ministry" in the church seems like exploring unknown territory. Will I be able to find a full time position? What about pursing teaching at a high school? Hospital chaplaincy? I feel like i'm at a crossroad with so many different paths and opportunity. I just don't know which direction. I was thinking.. for part time, wouldn't it be fun to be a dog walker? but then trying to walk 3+ dogs at once could be pretty chaotic.

I was watching this show called "Shark Tank" and individuals come up to investors and try to proposal their business. They need the finances to propel their innovative product to reach the mass market. Most of their business ideas get shot down. Then i was watchin the Suze Orman show and she's known for being the money finances guru. It's crazy how much i don't know about all the planning that needs to happen to get your future finances organized. It kinda freaks me out. I think i'm just at that age where i really need to start providing for myself, and saving up greens. it kinda sucks how money just runs everything in this world. I wish we didn't hafta worry about these things. Perhaps it's why i often remissness easier childhood days, so much less stress.

One of my fears about staying too long in hawaii over the summer happened yesterday. Since I have no car, I ended up staying on the black hole coach of death. It sucks you in. hours go by. your body gets numb, and you jus do passive activities. It's too comfortable. I realized how much more alive i feel walking outside. I went to the gym today, and it feels s refreshing to enjoy hawaii's greenery. Going for walks makes me appreciate the simple things in life. I need to start turning this summer around besides jus lounging, media, games, eating, sleeping. lol as i sit here on this darn couch. It has been refreshing to see a lot of family members. I think it's funny how the only thing people do now days is eat together. Families should go do more active things. but i guess eating is fun too. it's nice being around family. Sometimes my family seems a little disconnected.. but at the same time it's comforting to surround yourself with people who have always been there in your life.

i starting watching an anime called "Sym-Bionic Titan." only watched the first 3 eps, but it's pretty good. It looks a lot more american than other animes.  Sym bionic titan is about 2 young alien ppl and their robot who disguise themselves as high school students, but have heroic powers. The dialogue has so much unexpected humor and there's lot of action

I also watched two episodes of "Kids on the Slope." It moves a little slow because it's more about developing relational interaction between characters. I think it's good becuz it captures the emotions and pressures we all go through. And people who feel secluded are able to find meaningful friendships.

Lastly i watched a movie called, "The girl who leapt through time."Then the girl who leapt through time movie what sheer genius. You'll probably have more questions than answers, but for the most part you appreciate the story. it makes you wonder what life would be like if you could jus leap through time here and there and have a re-do. How awesome would that be to just freely time travel. But i guess it would come at some expense. I still think it'd be weird if u could time travel and meet your past or future self. I'd probably jus play video games with myself and laugh at my own lame jokes.

Oh and i saw World War Z. Pretty good for a zombie movie. It was missing a few elements towards the end, but overall it was a well made movie. I was hoping for a little more zombie killing action. Good nonetheless.

summer is catch up on media time. even tho the best thing on television is house hunters over summer. lol. oh and malcom in the middle. Chris u have all this talk about bettering yourself and accomplishing things, and then u sit on ur butt and stare at a computer screen for hours.. u lazy butt.

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I was talking to my dad and we talked about how i'm kinda pessimistic. He said, "Some people see the glass as half empty instead of half full. But remember that some people have an empty glass, and others don't even have a glass, they drink out of a muddy puddle." It was a good reminder to be grateful and to look for the bright side of things.

I talked to my old roommate. And he mentioned that people hire personal trainers because they simply can't push themselves to go exercise. And i was like.. "I need a trainer for every aspect of my life." And he wisely said, "Isn't that the Holy Spirit?" Sometimes i forget that God and the fellowship of the church is there to help push me forward. Doing the Christian walk alone is impossible. It's kinda confusing because we shouldn't be so dependent that we can't do anythin on our own, but at the same time we shouldn't be so self reliant that we don't look for others to help support and encourage us.


I went to a funeral for our neighbor next door. They've been neighbors for like 40 yrs. Seeing tons of old folks come to show respect to someone's life was really sad. But funerals are a good reminder to celebrate life, but to also mourn for the effects of sin. Death is a sad reality, but it makes us appreciate that through the resurrection of Christ, there is hope and everlasting life. Sometimes we so easily forget the power of the gospel. Jesus died for your sins, and bared all the wrath that your sins deserved. It's grace upon grace. He not only graciously rescues and delivers us, but sanctifies us and gives us his righteousness, so we can be holy. It makes the Lamb worthy to receive all worship and praise!

The funeral also reminded me that life is short. We should spend and invest our life into the things we value most. We worry about so many different things. And we forget. We forget that this life is just a glimpse of eternity. Our time on earth is temporary and short. This is only 2 seconds compared to our eternity with our perfect God.

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Some of the simplest truths are often the most profound. We sit back and say, "yeah no duh." And yet how often do we forget to apply those truths. In a church I went to. The pastor asked the congregation if anyone would like to pray out loud, and one guy from the crowd said, "God, Thank you for teaching us things we think we already know." That hit me hard since i don't usually value lessons that may seem redundant. How often do we ignore God's loving presence? I realize that i haven't been in sync with God, and usually only turn to Him to help further my own will rather than His will. It's interesting how a few moments of meditation can really syncronize your heart with God's heart. He simply longs for us to enjoy His love. He longs for us to have deep fellowship, communion and peaceful contentment in Him. Shouldn't i desire the same?

In hebrew, "zakar" means to remember. In the OT, God's people would often forget the wonders and works of God in their lives. They would forget how God delivered them and became their refuge. We too forget how God not only saved us, but continues to bless us daily with his sufficient grace. We must "zakar" remember his "hessid" lovingkindess. (that's $3000 and two semesters worth of hebrew application, so drink it down).

He is a personal God who doesn't ever abandon us. Yes, he allows trials and even suffering to discipline and strengthen us. Even though we walk through valleys, God's presence is always with us, even when we don't sense or feel him. I believe God allows us to starve, to become dry, and to grow weary, because then he grows our hunger, thirst and desire for Him. I'm not sure if that makes sense.

Sometimes i even notice myself purposely escaping to other distractions to fill my wandering heart. Sin is an illegitimate way of trying to satisfy a legitimate need. We all crave and long for relational love and intimacy. And yet we often neglect and ignore the one who is love. We find all the ways to justify ourselves with excuses, so we don't hafta change, give up our comforts and repent of our sins. Personally, i think i sin way more out of omission, rather than omission. Passively not taking responsibility of my faith is still sin.

When i was a child, i ate dirt, rocks, soap and anythin i could get my hands on. Those things probably had horrible nutrition. You'd think after the first bite i'd stop.. i was a weird kid. My mom said i once had about 10 rocks in my mouth, lol. The point is that we often feed ourselves unhealthy things. We digest artificial supplements and harmful things that don't satisfy us. God waits and says, "Now aren't you tired of those things? Arn't u tired of eating bad things into your life? Are you ready for real water and food?" When crowds followed Jesus, wanting free wine, fish and bread, Jesus would explain how he is the bread of life and the living water. You see, God waits till we realize that the things we seek in this life don't truly satisfy. He then reveals and offers Himself. He creates a desire to seek after Him so we can find Him as our treasure. He is our reward. Love is passion. A passion for Him. He wants to sharpen our focus, attention and devotion. For He is worthy and His grace is sufficient.

I often fall off the horse and sit there. I sink, drown, and grow accustom to the bottom of the ocean floor. I dwindle into despair, and dark depression. Thoughts, feelings, loneliness, idleness, and apathetic numbness consume me. I search for escapes and magic pills. I muster all my strength to fight the darkness on my own. It isn't nearly enough. I look for things to fill. I grow passive, lifeless. I question where God is. weeks and months go by. I cry and yell for help, God doesn't immediately answer the way I expect. I grow discouraged, so i lie there defeated. God whispers, when you're tired of sitting there and ready to get up, I'll help you walk into the Light. It's not a quick and easy process. It takes one step after the other, actively moving in the right direction.

you ever notice how easy it is to flood thoughts in blogs and journals? It makes u wonder.. how many thoughts and ideas jus simply get forgotten because you never wrote them down. I think losing memories sucks. What if u never had pictures of when you were young? I had an aunt at dinner tell "christopher stories" and i was like.. you could tell me anything i did when i was young and i'd hafta just believe you even tho i was there. She said i stole carrots and bananas and would eat them in the shopping cart, lol.

Losing memories is like faded dreams. I minus well tell my dream i had last night. lol i always ask ppl, I had a crazy dream you wanna hear it?! and who cares if they do or dont.. and then i jus ramble for 4 in a half minutes about random details. i always dream about basketball and food. i couldnt decide if i should eat a turkey or ham croissant sandwich. then i was running from the cops and hid in a bathroom jacuzzi stall. Vince Vaughn broke the door and caught me, so i hadta go to jail. And i was like.. please jus give me a bible so i can read and do push ups. Then i saw an old bully from elementary school in jail and he changed and became really nice. then i went to the mall which turned into my dads house where i saw 4 fat cats sleeping.
a bug keeps flying on my screen. whenever i proof read my blogs i find so many grammatical mistakes.. it bugs me, but im too tired. merp

A Rainy Day

It's been raining the past few days in hawaii. i'm not sure if i like it or not. I like the sound of rain. but i don't like when everything is wet and u can't go out to play. but then it's more cozy and you're tempted to stay inside. I concluded that I like when it drizzles just a little and not when it pours like crazy.

Yesterday i went to the rec center to play ball with a friend. As i was waiting, i ran into another old school friend. It feels weird calling people an acquaintance, but he was more of an acquaintance, lol. i think growing up in hawaii, u get used to calling everyone your friend. We exchanged the common "so what you been up to" questions. And i kept noticing that he kept saying, "yeah, yeah" a lot. It kinda reminds me of my old school teacher friend who says, "so yeah, cool, cool, okay, yeah" after everything you say. Then he doesn't respond with anything else, so now we both just stand there nodding our heads saying, "so yeah, cool, yeah, okay.." I also think it's funny when you're both tryin to come up with conversation questions towards each other and you both interrupt each other saying, "so what you....oh, huh? no you go.." at the same time and then you jus let someone go first. darn you blog tangents..

anyways, it was really nice meeting up with my friend. it was kinda funny since we we're talking about how we'll probably still be hanging out at the rec center another 10 years from now. It's kinda crazy how everyone my age is growing up. Less friends are still in school and more friends are working full time. it's crazy how people are already buying houses, getting married or having kids. I feel like high school wasn't even that long ago.

It was sorta refreshing to be at the first gym i grew up at. Everyone who lives around the area usually just randomly meets at the rec center. I saw all these young guys starting to lift weights, and they reminded me of myself. Usually when you walk in, you instantly run into someone you know. but this time it was weird since i got the random eye contact stares from people i've never seen. That's always awkward, especially when it happens a second time. It's kinda funny cuz both of you are thinking, "why is this guy lookin at me?" maybe i'm jus prone to be socially awkward

then my friend and i both started walking back up the hill since we both live relatively close and we both don't have a car. It made me realize how i really enjoy physical exercise with a friend. it made me feel alive walking up a hill in the rain. Another friend was supposed to pick us up to see world war Z, but then they decided to go to a bar. Sometimes i wish my stomach could handle some alcohol. just because it's a way a lot of my friends socialize. I feel like a kid who's limited to water and sugary fruit drinks. I'm kinda at that age where you're almost supposed to be working. I did beat the elite four in pkmn mmo, which should count for something right?

Then as i'm walkin up to my house, another friend saw me from her garage. She yelled, "chris!" and it kinda surprised me. We exchanged the, "how ya doin" questions. And as i was standing in the rain she asked, "do you want an umbrella?" And i was like, "nah, after your soaking wet you kinda get used to it," as water rolled down my face. Then you realize that you're running out of things to say, so you say, "ok well see ya" and walk off. Then you're instantly reminded of something you should have said or asked. After running into three random friends in one day, it made me realize how all of them looked different. Everyone was getting older and moving on towards bigger things. And maybe how i'm constantly trying to relive my youth. I'm reminded of a song lyric that goes, "we got older, but we're still young." I wanna stay young forever. Getting older just means more responsibility.

I had a conversation with my mom. Somehow the subject of kids came up. And i was like, I don't think i want kids. You know how much work they are?! and she was like, "Yeah tell me about it!" LOL. I was like yeah, "They cost so much money, don't make any money and they just sit around and eat all your food!" and she was like, "Yeah! that's not fair! they eat all your food!" And i was like.. mom don't worry about grandchildren just yet, you normally hafta find someone to marry before u have kids, so u dont hafta worry about it for a long while.

I was cleaning up my garage with my mom today. And we found so many old things. It's interesting how objects have so many memories connected to them. My mom found some old VCR and cassette tapes. I told my mom, there are kids who wouldn't even know what those are. I found my step dad's old pog collection. I even started playin them by myself. Some pogs are still cool looking. But most of them are pretty lame. It's funny how our parents' generation didn't have the internet, smart phones and video games. They had type writers, beepers and pogs, lol. We even found old pictures of our family. It was kinda sad since there's been divorce, and some people passed away. It's also weird looking at high school and college pictures of your parents. Maybe since it's hard picturing what our parents were like when they were young.

I realized that i find myself reminiscing and missing things in the past. I wonder if one day i'll reminisce these days. Sometimes you don't realize how good you had it till it's gone. I think i'm afraid of growing up. afraid of change. afraid to lose friends. And afraid of the unknown future. There's so many unanswered questions. They're primarily about landing a stable life career and what all that looks like. To avoid all these thoughts and fears, i just tell myself to stop dwelling on them so much. "change is a law of life. those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future."-JFK but dwelling on the past and future, can also make u miss the present.

friends

ive been watching the "Friends" marathon on tv for the past few nights. I forgot how awesome this show is. You know when ppl ask you what show u'd wanna be in? it'd be friends. but how akward would it be to have 6 white folks and one strange asian guy. I like how each character has their own unique personality and mannerisms. I also like that no matter how much conflict happens throughout the episode, they're always able to hash things out, see past each others flaws and forgive each other.

It's interesting to see how each character develops and becomes more mature throughout the seasons. I think it'd be so cool to live with friends and always just be together. It's funny how in almost every episode they're just hanging out and don't hafta work. It's interesting to see how the characters kinda hurt each other unintentionally and yet they're also always there to support each other. It kinda reminds me of all the fun summers i had with friends back in high school days. We'd have massive sleep overs for days, play video games, eat tons of food, go to the beach, watch movies and laugh at everything.

I kinda realized that i have a part of ross, chandler and joey's personality in me. i think im like ross since im always over thinking everything, how he freaks out about things, and is kinda socially awkward. then i'm kinda like chandler because i like to poke fun at things, joke around a lot, and be witty. Then i'm like joey since he always jus wants to have fun, and he's a little dumb. i can't believe i'm blogging about this old show.

i wish i could keep friends in pokeballs so i could have them forever and they'd be free to play whenever you want. lol. how fun would it be to go around catching new friends and animals in pokeballs. if u really think about it, it'd suck to be a wild pokemon jus cruising with your family or takin a nap, and then suddenly one day some jerk out of nowhere beats you up and catches you in a ball. Then ur legally bound to serve and obey this master for life! Then he forces you to fight and battle other people against your will and then leaves you in a computer storage all cramped up in a pokeball. In conclusion, catching pkmn is straight up slavery. And you know what's messed up. how come pikachu gets to hang outside with ash all the time, while all the other pkmn hafta suck it up and don't get the same luxury treatment.

I have a few friends that i've been somewhat close with ever since junior high/ high school. But i'm realizing that eventually it becomes very hard to keep in touch with friends. Everyone seems to move away or be so school/career focused. Maintaining strong relationships honestly takes a lot of work. I haven't talked to one of my close childhood friends in like a year, i'm wondering if i'll be able to connect w/him this summer. Making new good friends really isn't that easy. I kinda miss living with a few roommates. Living with one of my closest friends was fun while it lasted. One of my old roommates might actually move in with me for next semester. I'm not sure yet, or if it'll be a good idea. Sometimes it's nice to have your own space.

30 pages!

I spent about 10+ hrs on a 12pg paper on Revelation 5
I finished reading a 200pg book on the four views of Revelation
(I'm adding a fifth view to the book titled.. "Who Cares")
and after 15+ hrs I finished a 18pg paper on critiquing the book
energy drinks basically wrote my paper for me
guhh i still hafta proof read and edit it...

in class just now, there was one dude who mentioned he had 2 kids. another dude was like i got 3 kids, and it's gonna take me about 10yrs to get my doctorate degree. Then another dude was like, i got 2 jobs and 4 kids. One guy was like, "I tell my kids that daddy hasta go to Narnia for a week." LOL And they were jus talkin about how hard it is to spend time with their family, carry jobs, teach in ministry, and be a good student. And i was like.. daaaang.. how do u do all that?? My other friend is a single parent has 2 kids, i know another guy who has 7 kids, and then one professor who has 10 kids. and here i am struggling just focusing on school.. I realized i'm super young. everyone else in Talbot is like late 20's - mid 30's. i'm completely zoning out in class right meow -_-

Back to a Heart of Worship

"What do you do when you fall off the horse? ..fall off the horse.. you get back on! Sorry Morty i'm not a gymnast"  lol i always quote stuff that no one gets.. kinda ruins the fun out of quotes. i miss my old roommate buddy who gets all my quotes and pidgin slang. aight aight aight

The truth is that i've been in a dark slump for a while. i guess i prevented myself from flooding my blog with such depressing moods and whining. but at the same time, it's good to have an outlet to express honest feelings. I've been waiting till i felt more rejuvenated to post something..

well.. right now im in the library. i skipped my 4 hour class this morning so i could work on my 18 page paper. so far i got 5/18 which is some progress. But i'm hoping I can just hammer it all out today. My goal is just completion and not really quality, because as long as I get a C or higher i'll pass with a B in the class. The prof told us that he's gonna cancel this 18pg paper for next semester students, which kinda bummed me out since i was debating if i shoulda waited to take it next semester.