First Love

"But I have this against you, that you have left your first love. 

Therefore remember from where you have fallen, and repent and do the deeds you did at first" -Rev. 2:4-5

I’m starting to see that I really do need God. “Uhm no duh chris..” I shouldn't rely on others or my own strength to find happiness. This is kinda tricky because when you think about it, our relationships and friendships really do mean everything to us. However, they should never replace our trust in God. I discovered that I intuitively ran to people to sustain me rather than God.

God is my joy. God is my strength. God is my hope. God is my healer. God is my comfort. God is my redeemer. God is my fortress, my shield and hiding place. God forgives all my sins. God loves and accepts me regardless of all my mistakes and failures. God’s grace is free. These are truths i constantly need to remind myself. 

But i haven’t been available to receive these things from Him. Passive apathy is basically being numb to receiving from God. I’ve isolated and withdrawn myself, even from God. . I was probably a little frustrated at God for a while because He seems to like to play hide and seek and doesn't always show up in the way i expect Him to. And because I got tired of seeking, i sought after other things.. We turn to temporary things to distract or escape, but they don't ultimately satisfy. At the core of us, we deeply long for intimacy with God. Withdrawing from community also never helps. 

Maybe I was the one hiding from God, like how Adam and Eve did. Ashamed at their sinfulness, they hid from God. I say, "I don't deserve grace." but that's exactly what grace is.. Christ already paid the cost of all the wrath my sins deserve. God is the one who sees us completely for who we are, and He still loves and accepts us. It's hard to fathom how merciful our God is. He sees all our ugly and still calls us His. I keep saying, ” i need to take better care of myself.” But the truth is i just need to let God take care of me. When we see that we're powerless to change ourselves, we come to a point of surrender. We don't self-medicate to look good for a doctor's appointment, we go and let the doctor do his work. if that makes any sense.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” -2 Corinthians 12:9

I carry around a lot of guilt. I wallow in guilt. I feel like such a screw up. Ive been upset at myself for making bad decisions. I try to hide from God and fix myself. Nothing i do really cures me. It's hard to receive grace because i know my sins deserve condemnation. I think i had some self-hatred and a lot of self anger towards myself. But i was thinking, even after Peter denied Jesus 3 times, Jesus still offered love, mercy, and forgiveness to him. We've all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, and yet He still offers us sufficient grace.

 Martin Luther would practice the catholic discipline of penance for his sins, where he would lay down face first on the ground in an empty room for days, or he would physically punish himself for his sins. But later he found this to be wrong because by God's grace, Christ has already paid for our sins. We can't earn forgiveness or grace. Rather we receive it by faith.

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." -Romans 5:8

I'm starting to see that repentance, isn't just saying sorry to God. Repentance also helps us to let go of the things we hold against ourselves. One of my favorite professors asked me, "Did you repent?" "um well, yeah sorta. but i still can't forgive myself.." Then he said, "then you haven't truly repented, and received forgiveness." Then i was like, "i love you, ur so wise.." If we don't forgive ourselves, we are in a sense not trusting in God's forgiveness and grace. For just one second, maybe two.. See yourself the way God sees you.. that's how we're to see ourselves.

This is something that i'm still learning and that kinda jus dawned on me, but i really need to learn to love myself. I think so negatively about myself, that when my dad asked me to list a few positives about myself, i broke down and couldn’t even list one. But that’s not how God sees me, so i need to let go of my negative self-esteem and change how I think/see myself. And when we can know we are deeply loved by God, we can love ourselves, and have a greater compassion for others.

For the saved sinner, we are already forgiven by the Christ's atonement. We don't earn forgiveness by repentance. We're already forgiven of all our sins. Repentance is what we do because we've been forgiven. Repentance can also draw us back into communion/ fellowship with God.

"Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies.  Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?" -Romans 8:33-35

God came to save sinners. That includes all of us. God forgave Paul after he persecuted Christians. God can also forgive you and me. Our sins may be great, but God's grace is even greater. God's grace is the beginning of healing. God freely accepts us on the merits of Christ. When we can truly accept ourselves for what we are, we decrease this hunger or need to be accepted by what others think of us. Our security and joy becomes based on our relationship with our Father.

"To be alive is to be broken; to be broken is to stand in the need of grace." -Brennan Manning

If i'm coming off preachy it's because i need to preach this stuff to myself and remind myself of these truths. Apparently along the way i've forgotten these things. I made selfish decisions and stupid mistakes that i regret daily. im upset at how foolish i was. I'm struggling to find forgiveness. I know i take things too seriously and over think too much. i can't help but critique myself harshly, because i know i deserve it. I do pray for healing and restoration but these wounds still deeply hurt.At this point, God really is my only hope for healing this situation. I want to be better. I want to learn from my mistakes and never repeat them. I want peace, reconciliation and resolution. I guess i have a really hard time letting go. But perhaps its when we can let go of our own vain efforts, we really begin trusting in letting God.

I need to remember His promises, repent of my sins. and return to my first love. I don’t know what the future looks like, I don’t know the specifics to His will. But I know He is sovereign and faithful to lead me. Maybe he doesn’t reveal it all because he wants us to come to Him daily? God’s will for me right now is to lay down my lustful desires, abandon my carnality, obey his word and to simply just give Him my heart.

At this very moment, God just wants your heart, and wants to be with you. God just wants us to find rest in Him. He is relentlessly and passionately pursuing our hearts, longing for us to draw close in intimacy. He doesn't care about perfect performances, pretty clothes, good grades, distinguished careers, or any of our good works. He just wants our heart. I think it’s awesome how our God finds joy in just being with us. Walk in His love, feed on His Word, and be present with God.

I was sitting in church. And the pastor said, take a moment to Listen to God. And instantly, I felt like i heard God say, “Come back to me.” And i was like, “but i’m tired.” And I heard again, “Come back to me.” It’s as if God were saying i know your tired and weary, that’s why I want you to come find rest in me. I've drifted far enough. If you're feeling spiritually dry as well, repent and return to your first love.

In the parable of the prodigal son, my professor said it should really be called, "The gracious father" because it's not just that the son repented, but that the father rushes out to greet him back. The father jumps off his porch and runs out with open arms for his son. The father clothes him with a ring and a robe, and then throws a party. God does the same for us.

I was reading a book that asked, "What are you most passionate about? What is your life centered around? What do you think about most? What are your eyes set upon?" Even when we have legitimate priorities like our families, friends, relationships, work, school, ministry, appearances, health, and hobbies, if they become our main focus and first priority, we've made an idol that we love more than God. You could say that i've centered my attention to a lot of idols before God. I thought about what i was most passionate about lately, and it was video games and working out. They help me escape boredom. I need to redirect my passion. The most important truths are often the easiest to forget.

"We never move on from the Gospel, only to a more profound understanding of it."

My uncle cared enough to send me a sermon CD in the mail. He and my little cousin even called me today, that was really nice of them. The sermon was about going through the “process” and having joy even thru suffering/trials. I tend to like to take shortcuts in life. But the sermon was about trusting God even through the hardest times of our life. It’s easy to turn to distractions for pleasure or happiness.

Is it jus me.. or is there way too much access to distracting comforts?? How often do I try to self-medicate with instant gratification throughout each day? If you had 5 free hours, where does spending time with God rank? I think the internet is super distracting. hours jus disappear! It seems i put my own comforts like food, hobbies, media, and games before I go to get filled by God. It’s because going to God isn’t as quick as we’d like. And it's not that we don't love God.. we do. It's just that we love ourselves more. We place our own selfish desires and will before God. I think this is what is meant by dying to ourselves daily.

And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but wealso glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope." -Romans 5:2-4

It takes time to wait upon God, and it’s not always easy, but through quantity time I believe we’ll get a pile of quality time. I think worship music helps a lot. Most of us don’t realize that our soul deeply longs to be filled by God, but our desires settle short for quick fixes that don’t satisfy. I think most christians today don’t have a deep walk with God, because we’re jus too A.D.D. We don’t know how to be patient in prayer and in seeking Him. Well, I don’t anyways. I think it’s somethin developed over time through consistent practice, training and self discipline. But then again, spending time with God shouldn't be something we hafta force ourselves to do, it should be our joy. It’s funny how we actually need God’s help to love Him.

“For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” -Luke 12:34

When you think about it.. God is REALLY patient with us. He doesn't force us to come to Him. He invites us to come when we're ready. It's taken me a long time to be ready to return to my first love. The Holy Spirit works in us to draw us back to Him. As much as God does, He always gives us His full undivided attention. It's a good thing im not God. I don't think i'd have the patience for people.. i'd be like, "Look at these selfish people sinning against me again and again, they don't worship or love me, pff ima gonna smoke them" lol good thing im not God. God thank you for your patience.

Sometimes God specifically removes things in our life, so we can see that maybe we made them idols, and that we haven’t been trusting Him first. I need to stop wasting my time, have some self control and be more intentional with spending my time with God. I need more confidence in faith. I need to rekindle my love for God and be more aware in the different ways God communicates to me. I need to seriously practice what i preach. I need to simply practice just being with God. God please help me to wait and to receive from you. please heal those who are hurting. Thank you for your grace. Help me to return to my first love.