changing negative to positive

at times i find myself over reflective. is that possible? mm yes. it can be a strength and weakness. I like to assess, strategize, analyze, and observe things. But the weakness is that i have trouble turning my mind off. Over thinking everything just leads to anxiety. i find myself contemplating and introspecting way too much. perhaps its why blogging out thoughts helps me destress. didja know the average person says like 300-1000 words to themselves per minute? sometimes our brains jus think way too much.

When we have anxiety our mind has unconscious defense mechnisims to help us push and repress anxious thoughts out of our consciousness. Sometimes we eat jus to fill a void, sometimes we oversleep to let our minds rest, sometimes we turn music or the tv on just to numb ourselves. usually movies, video games, exercise and hot showers usually help me de-stress a lot. i think it's interesting observing myself procrastinate. I'll find everything else to do except the thing i need to accomplish.

Did you know anxiety related disorders are the number one neurosis that therapist diagnosis? Statistics show that children in America are reporting higher rates of anxiety compared to like 50-60 years ago. I read in my text book that as a nation, more and more people are struggling with loneliness. And by 2020, depression will be the most common diagnosis in the world. more and more people are struggling with worries, fears and anxiety which can be interwoven and cause mood disorders.

I over think about my identity, inadequacies, and nit pick all the little things i dont like about myself. I think way too much about the past and future. I have all sorts of expectations and ideals of myself, but never really seem to find consistent contentment. when i over think, i start to have negative thoughts about myself. I dwell on regrets or how i constantly make mistakes. I get angry that im not where exactly where i'd want to be or who i thought i'd be. I find myself critiquing myself way too harshly. These negative thoughts and emotions then seem to paralyze my will. When we really think that we're no good, not worthy of love, or that we're jus a mess up, we belittle and undermine are true self. We can let our thoughts control us, or we can control our thoughts. Sometimes i jus want to turn my head off. But lately, instead of thinkin less, maybe i need to change how i think about myself. What if we filled our day with positive thoughts about ourselves? what if we substituted our thoughts for prayers? what if we became more concerned for the well being of others then over analyzing our insecurities?

We put limitations on ourselves in what we can or cant achieve. We settle for mediocre, the status quo. We are capable of much more then we think. It's easy to feel discouraged. it's easy to quit and stop trying when we face failure.it's easy to stay comfortable and be exactly the same. For a while i stayed there. I lived in pessimism. These negative thoughts did me no good. I lost a lot of self confidence, and my will to change. But i think the first step in getting better, is wanting to get better. We posses the ability to choose who we want to become. If you really want something, you fight and overcome all the obstacles. Instead of feeling like the victim of our moods or thoughts, we can fight back to gain control of them. We can choose to be optimistic and positive. We can choose happiness regardless of our losses. We can choose to live in our fears and insecurities, or choose to love ourselves and others.

i see a lot of things i dont like about myself. I find it difficult to see myself positively. But i noticed that i spend more time critiquing and dissecting my flaws then doing something about it. I say oh im jus lazy, im too fat, im not smart enough, im not good with talking to people, this is too hard, im not confident in myself, blah blah blah. Rather i should be taking action to apply and improve myself. i can either give up and jus be stuck with how i am, or take steps to help me become stronger, healthier and happier. And when we do struggle, we must remember to let others help support us. Having jus one friend who understands and believes in you can make a huge difference. And in the same way we need to take care of ourselves in order to help others when theyre in need.

Have you ever heard the phrase, "if you got nothing nice to say, don't say it." well its probably because it might offend others. but maybe it's also because negative words and thoughts have no edification. What if we were to kill these useless negative thoughts about ourselves? i mean.. when u think of someone extremely negative, are they happy? Now think of someone who's usually upbeat and positive. We have the ability to be a negative or positive influence for those around us. what if a smile or a compliment, or the thoughtfulness to ask how someone is, could change their entire day?

Who are we? How do we see ourselves? What makes you, you? What makes us different or similar to others? What type of personality do we have? How were we raised? What do we want to do with our lives? And all these factors mix in to form our identity. How well do we know ourselves? Im finding out that there's parts to me that i don't quite know yet. In one of my psych classes we're taking a bunch of personality and identity test and it's actually pretty interesting to learn more about yourserlf. I think many people believe they fully understand themselves, when there's a lot of things that are still unknown. 

when i did believe i truly understood myself, i found my identity in Christ and still consider myself a child of God. But sometimes it's easy to forget what those things mean. Sometimes we find our identity and security in other things, and we forget that we belong to God, and that we are his.

I woke up this morning having reoccurant thoughts about who i was, who i am, and who im becoming. When i view myself, i can't help but think of a lot of my mistakes. Even if i often have a negative perspective of myself, sometimes it feels more accurate or realistic? Perhaps im too hard on myself. We all make mistakes, but why do i take failure so hard? I have a perfectionist mentality at wanting to perform to the best that i can, i want to be the best that i can, and even with all this determination, most times it doesn't seem good enough. 

What happens when your best efforts to succeed in a given area just keep coming up short? What happens when you're unable to overcome an obstacle within yourself? What happens when you can't fix or solve a conflict or broken relationship? What happens when your unable to cope with pain and anxiety? What happens when your not the person you wanted to be? What happens when you see yourself taking steps backwards instead of moving forward?  What happens when your not that proud of yourself? lol idk, beats me!

You ever here someone say, "I have no regrets in life." I mean like.. really?! doesnt everyone have something they wish they could've changed or done better? sure trials and loss can make us stronger, but it also really sucks and hurts! i don't mind so much when my mistakes just cause self injury. But when my actions, or words hurt or affect someone else, i struggle to forgive myself. i find some things very hard to let go, when i know i could've been better. Sometimes if we're lucky, we're given second chances. But even then, what happens if we blow our second chance and repeat the same mistake? 

For the past few years i regreted a lot of my foolish decisions. I think of how if i made better decisions my life would be completely different. Now i seem very indecisive because im afraid of making bad decisions. I find myself still putting back the pieces to myself. As i stare at these pieces of myself, i see so much room for improvement, and parts of me that i need to change. Change, breaking bad habits and making new ones can be quite the challenge.

If i were honest i think a lot of things we're jus given to me. My parents worked hard and i feel like ive been spoiled.. I see that i've regressed to becoming dependent on them,     since i always have been. At what age am i supposed to be independent? At what age do i magically become responsible. 

Why do i push people away? I seem afraid to let anyone truly know me. I don't want them to see all of me, perhaps im ashamed or embarrassed. So i withdraw and hide  we all crave intimacy and to be accepted, and yet we also fear to be completely known. does that make sense?

accidents happen and theyre a part of life. For 3 seconds i wasnt thinking well and lost control of my car while reverse parking. i hit the gas instead of the break, sigh.. and i luckily only hit the front bumber of my car against a pillar. so i guess it coulda been worst. but even an accident like that is automatically hundrends.. no thousands of dollars and a load of stress. But as i sat in the doctors office i was watching the news. and apparently an airplane crashed in Taiwan and the war against ISIS is still pretty darn crazy and will be for a long time. And i thought to myself. my life could be a lot worst, there's worst things happening in the world. and im upset i hit a parking pillar, when many people dont have a car, some people in the world have never even seen a car or cell phone. i should have nothing to complain about.

lol while im blogging my cat is jus starring at me. He meows cuz he's hungry and im too busy to feed him lol.. its like the only time he wants my attention.. There's so much i learn from jus observing him. His name is Rufus, or Punky, but my mom and i seem to refer to him as "da boy" or "little boy." He doesnt have anything but a colar, and yet he seems content and happy. He doesn't need a lot. He's curious and playful, and seems to like chasing things lol. he also likes to damage things or knock stuff over. sometimes i really wonder what his "meows" are communicating. i bet if he could talk he'd be saying, "hey you! feed me! feed me! hey!! why aren't you feeding me!?"