decisions

About two months ago i started looking for a full time job. Most of them were in the field of education and working with students. I've always told myself, working with children really isn't work because they have so much joy, laughter and life in them. Kids know how to live in the present. They just want to play and have fun. Those have always been important values for me. But as we grow older, other values and responsibilities compete for our priorities. it'd be nice to stay young forever.

I've been working at HawaiiBehavioral Health as a skills trainer. Basically i go to different schools to help students with special needs. Most of the students are low functioning with autism. I can imagine how hard it'd be to learn and do life if I were in their shoes. The students can range from preschool to high school. It forces you to adapt a lot and practice patience. it involves a lot of behavior modification, discipline and logging data on all the paper work. Eventually i'm supposed to move from a substitute to a permanent case.

 I think im starting to learn that no matter what you're doing, you can make it a meaningful experience by trying to be a positive influence and by helping others. it takes a lot of perspective. it seems like we're constantly looking towards the next step or the next level, rather than focusing on what's going on in the here and now. sure where we're headed is important, but so is embracing the process to get there.

ive been really conflicted because at the same time i was still applying for a preschool teacher job. There were so many things i liked about this preschool. I seriously live like 5 minutes away so jus the fact that i wouldn't need to fight traffic was a big plus. Everyone there seemed really friendly. During the second interview I got to meet a bunch of the kids and teach an activity. All the kids were so cute and happy like little puppies. and gettin paid well to play with kids is like the best job ever. Today they offered me the position and asked if i was still interested. it was a difficult decision and as much as i wanted to take the offer, i ended up turning it down.

I keep going back and fourth on if im making the right move or missing a good opprotunity. even though it would be a challenge, i think it'd force me to be on top my A game. kids.. well behaved kids.. usually bring out the best in me. part of me still wants to take the opprotunity. but in reality, i don't think i'd be able to last too long because it really would require a lot out of me. i could easily see myself getting overwhelmed with everything i'd have to be incharge of. Being responsible for that many kids would require too much of my care and attention. im good at playing games and having fun with kids but not so much in regards to teaching them preschool stuff. i think it'd basically become an art class lol. so i think im making the right decision. i hope i am. it's just hard to say "no" to something i probably would of enjoyed.

An idea i might suggest, is just becoming a part time assistant for the preschool since i really enjoyed spending time there. heck i'd even consider being a volunteer with no pay. or maybe i should jus volunteer at a children's ministry. gosh i have no idea what im doing. lol

My parents had to talk some sense into me. my mom was like, "Little kids aren't always happy." Even just watching one preschooler is hard. trying to manage and teach a heard of 20 really is a lot of work. And my dad reminded me about the amount of prep work. and more importantly i wouldn't be able to juggle school and the full time 40hrs. So it was either preschool teacher or continue being a skills trainer and doing grad school. Little kids are like sponges and they learn so much in those first few years. It'd be nice to play a big influence in their lives. And as much as i would love working with them, in the long run i think i need to stay true to pursuing counseling. it's jus one of those things i feel like i need to do. 

on another note.. everything in my house is broken and i have no idea how to fix stuff @$#^%*@$#@^%*@R(48ruygf