thoughts

It's really hard to give yourself fully to anything when you don't feel full yourself. I've been pretty sick with stomach issues lately. i got diagnosed with ulcerative colitus back in 2009, and for the most part i've able to control it pretty well. Some flare ups would make me end up in the hospital, but i try not to go to the ER since it's so expensive. I know no one really cares to listen to someone else's medical problems, but dang, i really miss being healthy. it's just been getting worse. it's hard to function normally when it feels like you're carrying weighted chains around. Being sick, really does help ya to appreciate health more.

Health is usually a goal and concern for people who are getting older. When i was young, i didn't really need to think about eating healthy, enough exercise and sleeping early. Taking care of yourself really isn't that easy. it's so hard to eat right and make healthy lifestyle choices everyday. i really like sugar and just cant seem to cut down on it.

i saw my regular doctor for a check up, and he's so wise. He always considers holistic health. He doesn't just look at the physical symptoms and issues. He thinks about my emotional and spiritual well being as well. I talked about how it's kinda hard to always have the energy to exercise and the discipline to eat healthy. But he told me, what we put in is what we get out. Daily exercise and nutrition knocks out so many health issues. it jus comes down to overcoming our excuses. He asked me where i saw myself in 10 years. i said i don't really know, im not sure. I would like to become a counselor but all the school it takes to get there is exhausting and requires a lot of sacrifice. He said, then we need to work around those obstacles, because i would hate to see you not become what you want to be. We have the ability to accomplish what we want to, sometimes it just comes down to sheer determination.

I have a friend who made a few bad choices and had to face the critical consequences of those choices. It was hard to see someone in so much remorse. For some reason it really affected me. Sometimes i think we make a lot of bad choices because we don't truly know the consequences. We all make bad choices here and there, and i think it'd be nice if we all had more grace for each other.

Here's a few things i noticed about myself lately, well even more so. I'm actually pretty shy. i definitely don't have as much personal and relational skills that i thought i had. I guess it's not uncommon to be shy. maybe im jus shy around ppl i dont know too well. i feel like i have a hard time speaking up, especially if it's in regards to a conflict. Let's say someone does something that you disagree with, or something you don't like. It's kind of tricky to confront someone nicely, without hurting their feelings. even sandwiching it with positive feedback can still be hard. It's easy to bottle up our feelings, but then holding everything in isn't really dealing with it either.

Everyone has pet peeves. One of my pet peeves is when people talk too much. I know quite a bit of people who can talk and talk and talk and talk and talk. And i'll literately sit there for 10-30 minutes basically politely listening. I try to show that i'm actively listening, but after awhile i just can't endure it. Sometimes i don't get how people think they're having a conversation when they're just talking about themselves non-stop. I can usually tolerate a little, but man, sometimes it's so hard to make an escape without seeming rude. I think i filter all my thoughts and i really hesitate or think about what I really want to say. With friends you don't really need to filter and choose your thoughts and words carefully. And I guess some people just say every little thought they're thinking. Sometimes I just wish conversations were a little more balanced. some people are jus so oblivious at how inconsiderate and obnoxious they're being. I had a guy jus start talkin about all his own interpretations of scripture that were really messed up. he had different views about religion, Jesus, the bible, and all sorts of tangents that jus made me wanna puke and pull my hair out.  im too polite to jus say i dont wanna listen to you, cuz you talk too much, goodbye. I noticed talkers tend to be more assertive and very opinionated. it's really hard to listen to ppl when you actually have things that you want or need to accomplish. some people just need more conversational curtsy and awareness.

you know what really grinds my gears? When technology doesn't work! jjtsdhfghksjafdfjadklfsjfjld lol sorry jus need to rant about that sometimes

I started a counseling program at Chaminade not really sure if i'd ever complete it. I After factoring in the time, money and energy it takes, i think i'm gonna take a break from it for a while. It's not that it was too challenging, i think i just need one less thing on my plate right now so I can focus on just work. Im so far from graduating it makes me wonder if i'd ever be able to complete it all. I'm also kinda getting tired of listening to people, lol. it really does take a lot to listen to people sometimes.

I know i can't do preschool teaching forever. It takes lot of energy policing little kids. Sit down please, shh no talking, no running in the classroom! please stop smashing those grapes with your feet.. please listen to mr. chris, pleaaase. lol, it's like trying to herd cats at times.

i wish kids were good all the time. lately ive really been able to see human nature in kids. They're all primarily concerned with their own needs and doing everything they can to fulfill what they want. kids are super adorable and lovable, but they can also be kind of mean to each other. everyday there's conflict, whining, crying and disobeying. physically i'm just so burnt out lately. my free time, i basically just want to sleep.

Some things i have learned from kids are.. 1) be more present with people 2) Say sorry, forgive, and let go 3) Laugh and be silly