worship night

i started going to a new church. and so far i really like it. I left my old small group and church cuz it felt a little too big for me. This new church has alright preaching, kinda average. but the worship is really good. It always feels a bit awkward being the new guy at a church. But i met a bunch of people, and legit christians are jus super nice lol. It was refreshing to meet new people who really try to take their faith seriously. It's nice to meet some dudes my own age that I could relate to. sometimes you come across people who you know you can quickly connect with.

We had a worship night and it was something i really needed. it was super dark and there were tons of people. it was 2 hours of worship, they had other media and dance stuff, but man it went by so fast. they stayed away from all the mainstream songs, and revamped some old songs as well. Sometimes we get so caught up and wound up in our own little lives, we forget to praise God. We begin to think of ourselves more than centering our life around God. Sometimes it's easily to compromise and slowly drift away from the intimacy we once had. I know what it's like to feel numb to anything spiritual. During worship i realized that i was someone resistant against God. Maybe afraid to really trust him with things. im normally not the kinda guy who likes to raise his hand in the hair during worship, but somehow i found myself liberated and free to jus be engulfed with God. But after a few songs i felt like i was able to just surrender to his love and care.

i have all these built up insecurities. A lot of them have to do with how i project myself, and what others think of me, and how i feel towards myself. However, God doesn't condemn me and covers  me with his grace. I guess im wasn't resistant, it's more non-enthusiastic and apathetic. It feels difficult to grow, difficult to pray, difficult to be close to God as I once was. Perhaps i have too many idols and don't hate my sin as much as i should. Perhaps i don't have enough accountability and solid support from a christian community. Perhaps i've grown discouraged from even trying. lol idunno why i say "perhaps," it's true, i haven't been living out my faith as boldly as i should. It's easy to appear that everything is fine, but sometimes if we're honest with ourselves, we realize that we really aren't spiritually healthy and abiding in Christ. Sometimes i can get a little big headed with, "oh, i went to seminary and studied theology, i already know all that stuff and don't need to hear more sermons and go to church." It's really jus sinful pride.

The main thing preventing me from continuing to go into ministry, is i don't really feel adequate enough by my own standards. i could, and i think id do a decent job ministering to others, but i guess deep down i dont think im spiritually as strong as i'd like to be, and don't live out my faith as much as i should. I think everyone gets those spiritual highs at times, but i think what separates the mature from the spiritually young christians is when they can stay faithful and devoted even during the low times where it's hard to sense God. The mature Christians i look up to are consistent in their faith, stand for integrity, they harmonize head and heart knowledge, they're full of joy and they have compassion to serve others. But in regards to ministry, we don't hafta be a paid staff member at a church to do ministry, we're all ministers in a sense, and can all be witnesses regardless of where we work. I guess i hafta keep reminding myself of that.

it's easy to think critically about ourselves. i used to think so negatively about myself. im still pretty hard on myself, but im learning to try and feel good about myself, and that takes initiative to growing in self-confidence. if we dont like something about ourselves, we usually have the means to transform and change. i can tell I strengthened as a person this year just by having more self-confidence. Instead of getting swept up by social pressures or my own self-doubt, i think i learned to appreciate and enjoy where i am in life. 

 I think ive been leaning on my own strength rather than God. I've been more concerned with my desires than his. I can easily get swept up with worldly lusts and gluttony comforts. It comes down to not actually living out the things i profess i believe. I haven't taken my faith seriously, nor taken much initiative to obey and love God. i've been irresponsible and kinda jus walked off like the prodigal son. Even if the prodigal son were to leave his father again and again, i think the loving father would always welcome him back with unconditional grace because we belong to God and he just wants to take care and embrace us. Sometimes simple theological truths of the gospel and the character of God jus hit ya hard. When you know you haven't been close to God in a while, it's refreshing to put everything else aside and run back home to him. We have such a perfect and holy God. and yet we forget how awesome he really is.

Father God, I pray that i'd grow more passionate for you, and that you'd increase my resolve to worship you even in the smallest of ways. Help me to smash my idols and repent of my sins. Help me to wait upon you and find rest in you. Help my faith to be authentic and bold. may you have your way with me, may your will be done in me. Grow my hunger for you, for you are the only one who truly satisfies me.