I remember..

I remember being so deeply in love with God. I remember being filled in awe. I remember God non-stop speaking to me and drawing me closer. I remember tasting the depth of his love. I remember being so fascinated by the things unseen. I remember wanting nothing more than to spend just a few more minutes being synchronized in communion with God. I remember a burning uncontainable joy that I used to have. I remember listening to worship music non-stop, and hearing God whisper to me in so many different ways. I remember encountering the power of his Holy Spirit. I remember my faith being stronger than how it's been lately. I remember having tons of christian friends and having long deep conversations, reading and studying the bible daily, listening to different authors, pastors and teachers,, going to bible studies, going on retreats, doing ministry, being discipled and making disciples. I remember not needing a reason to do something, except to glorify God and make him first. I remember pursuing obedience and holiness because I desired to grow in intimacy with God. I remember the energy I used to have. I remember seeing and feeling God through the midst of dark depression days. I remember getting tons of visions and dreams. I remember always having worship in my heart, and learning to die to myself. I remember God's grace covering all of my sins, guilt and shame. Why are these only things I can remember and not more present with me today?

Sometimes i can't tell if i'm too hard on myself.. or not hard enough.. Seminary filled me with a lot of head knowledge, but somehow I've forgotten a sense of heart knowledge. Somewhere I began seeing going to church, reading the bible, and other spiritual disciplines feel like it was more of a chore rather than a desire. Somewhere the the idols of this world crept in more and more. Pursuing a relationship, seeking material wealth, seeking entertainment and comfort more than anything else. Somewhere down the line, I became less passionate, less confident, less in tuned with putting my faith in God first. I made excuses. I stopped, "feeling it." I became a fat lazy sloth. I lacked community and accountability. I had a much harder time sensing God, and only focused on living for myself. Seeking something to fill the void and yet never being satisfied. I wrestled with my sinful ways and in a sense closed myself off from seeking God. I fell into despair, depression and a negative attitude. I feel like I lost my way and ran off like a prodigal son. I ran off trying to seek happiness in people and things. God has been with me the whole time, but I have not acknowledged him and treasured him as he deserves. I guess my heart hardened and I wandered in a dark ocean. Sure there are always a few moments when I run back to the Father. But then why do I continue to run away again like a prodigal son? Why am i so inconsistent? Why do i continue to struggle to live for him? Why does my heart keep seeking idols before him? Why have I drifted so far? Why have I become so blind and deaf? Open my eyes and ears to see and hear you Father.

I had a co-worker mention how he is against "organized religion" and going to church. There's a lot that I completely understood. There's leaders in ministry that don't set a good example. there's bad examples of christians for sure. There's cults and distorted teaching. There's so much division and controversy surrounding the Bible. My friend thinks, "well if the Bible was written by flawed men, (who apparently are inspired) then how exactly can we take the Bible as reliable and true?) He had several arguments and personal beliefs and legitimate questions and concerns. in listening to his different beliefs, it made me realize how important my beliefs were to me and how I haven't been matching up to my beliefs. He talked about how Christians are hypocritical. And i completely understand that. He didn't like being told what to do or how to live. And i dunno, it just feels like God used a conversation to remind me of all the things that I do hold to be true. There's somethings that require faith that I can't explain well. There's One True God, the Bible is true and Jesus really did die for my sins to give his church salvation and reconciliation, justification and sanctification. Life isn't pointless. This life isn't the end. There is a loving God, not just waiting in the afterlife of heaven but a loving God outside of time that is always with us at every moment. My friend didn't get the point of knowing who God is. He didn't want to go to heaven forever. He just wanted to live for himself and then die and have that the end.

 Somehow hearing his very different views, increased my faith. Two other Christian co-workers also jumped in the conversation and were trying to convince him of the positive things of church and the truth of scripture. My other friend wasn't interested in subscribing to Christian things. He believed that there were or are several different gods. Trying to argue the truth and reality of scripture and God isn't always easy when they haven't really experienced God, or have only experienced a negative view of church. He ended up leaving because he had to go. And even tho he didn't really change his mind about things, maybe he will at least give it more thought. He likes basketball, so i said, "Yeah there are definitely some bad coaches and you can have bad teammates, but that doesn't mean there aren't good coaches and good teammates out there." And he said, "yeah that's actually a good point." that he understood. so even if we may not break through to someone.. in a way we have to let the Holy Spirit do his work. idk.. somehow, it reminded me how important it is to actually be confident in my faith and what I believe is true, and who i believe God is. God used this conversation to really remind me what is valuable and how our spiritual life far surpasses this physical world. So if God is who I believe he is, and the God of the Bible is very true, my life should follow in accordance and in joyful obedience. Ask and it shall be given to you, Seek and ye shall find, knock and the door will be open unto you.. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.