Emotional Break Down!

These past few weeks have seemed so busy that i've been having a hard time slowing down. I've been sleeping at 5-6am. I feel like it's so easy to freak out and worry about stuff. It's been hard to keep centered on Christ. I have this tendency to begin relying on myself and my own strength. That's normally when things go wrong. Lately i've also been getting angry at myself because i suck at making decisions. My recent days have been filled with bad decisions or no decisions. I get mad at myself when i waste time doing nothing productive. I'm an expert at wasting time. I feel like we only have so much time in this life, that we can only really invest ourselves in a few things. I ask myself what are those things? We'll it's easy to answer, "Oh God is most important! durr!" However, has my time and recent lifestyle reflected that?

It's easy to sing songs, "All I want is you Jesus, You're all I need, You're my everything, You're my all in all" and yet throughout the week I can't even remember the last time i sat down just to spend time with my God. Sometimes we hafta stop and ask, "Hey is Jesus really my greatest desire? And if not, what's competing against it?" We're always busy moving around trying to get stuff accomplished, sleeping, or we're plopped down in front of our laptops. Where exactly does Jesus fit into our busy schedules? I'm not saying we need to spend hours and hours a day doing spiritual disciplines, but at the same time do we have any spiritual disciplines going on? My spiritual life has been starving lately and it desperately needs to be nourished.

This week i went to a biola chapel, and worshiping with other believers was quite refreshing. Simple yet deep. As Christians we shouldn't just draw power from God, but we should also draw power, energy, and strength from fellowship with one another.

It can be so easy to put God off sometimes. Most of the time we don't even realize it. Other times it seems like a challenge to open God's Word and to pray. Why!? Shouldn't it be our joy? Shouldn't we be constantly craving this deep intimacy with our God? Isn't His love the most intense burning we've experienced? And yet i still find myself turning to other idols, why! Gosh i hate my sin so much. You know that feeling inside where u feel like your missing something, or maybe your day just feels off? I believe everyday we are in dire need of a spiritual renewal and internal transformation.

When we're tired we choose a cup of coffee over His strengthening Spirit. When we're hungry we choose food over a feast of His Word. When we're depressed we isolate ourselves rather than finding comfort in God. When we're bored we turn the tv on instead of communicating with God. I'm not saying that it's wrong to do those things, however does it ever cross our mind to turn to God for strength instead of some other activity? Shouldn't He be our greatest source of satisfaction? Make the most of every opportunity to serve, love, and worship.

At church i kind of had an emotional break down, cuz sometimes i feel like i really suck at being a leader. It's so much easier being a follower! I usually know when i completely blow a sermon and crash it into the ground. Sometimes i hear myself talking and ask myself "What the heck are you saying Chris! You sound like an idiot!" Then i just keep fumbling my words and just want to curl up into a ball and cry. I learned that instead of gaining self-confidence, i need God-confidence. Instead of relying on my own efforts to prepare and perform things, I need to depend on His Spirit and on others. I am thankful that i am surrounded with people who care enough to encourage me and pray for me when i'm down. So thanks chingus if ur reading this!

One thing that's recently been stressing me out is that both my roommates have a bad case of scabies. So i'm doin my best to stayed locked in my room. I think it's super gross cuz their always itchy and scratching. Then just thinking about it i begin to think i have it and get itchy. God i really don't want to get scabies! ahh! I jus want to go home to hawaii, chill at the beach and then freeze time.

"Be very careful, then, how you live not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is." -Eph 5:15-17

"May the Lord make your love increase and overflow for each other and for everyone else, just as ours does for you. May he strengthen your hearts so that you will be blameless and holy in the presence of our God and Father when our Lord Jesus comes with all his holy ones." 1 Thess. 3:12-13