Sometimes it's hard to find balance in life. Do you ever feel like it's hard to juggle responsibilities? How can you really give your all to something when there are so many other things to accomplish and do?
I feel like i've been running on a treadmill and it's at max speed. I've grown exhausted because even when i do find time to rest, i'm worried or anxious about the coming day. I feel like productivity has somewhat become an idol. Our culture tells us to load as much as we can do so we can can ahead and be successful. There is some truth to that, however, I don't believe we're supposed to put our walk with God on the back burner. When we are overly busy, we make less time for God and spiritual disciplines. We keep pushing ourselves to do as much as we can and more. We can kill ourselves with academics and work. We say God and family are the most important values in our life, but how much time is really given to spend with them? My point is that there may be a danger in trying to accomplish too much. We crave achievement for ourselves. Yes we should strive to do our best, but not at the expense of our relationship with God. Sometimes i think about the word "relationship" and i think, do i have this "relationship" with God? Do i truly depend on Him? Do i pray and communicate to Him? Do i make time to listen and read His Word? Sometimes God seems so abstract, that it can be difficult to have the patience to seek Him.
I propose we give our all to God. We must give God all that we are. Practically how can we do this? First off, it might start with acknowledging who God is, how loving our God is. It starts by seeing the beauty of the Gospel and the grace that cleanses our sins. Secondly, there needs to be an invitation of the Holy Spirit. God needs to help us in our daily spiritual disciplines. We need to depend on God and walk with Him. Transformation comes relationally.
Perhaps it seems difficult to hear God or sense God, because we're distracted by other desires. Instead of work, school, food, sleep, friends, internet, media, and other hobbies, we are to give ourselves entirely to God. This may require some sacrifice from other areas. Instead of filling our plates with busyness we are to put our spiritual life first. It's extremely difficult to live for God when we're too busy trying to live by the standards of our world and society. Money isn't everything. Degrees are not our highest accomplishments and achievements. Personal character, holiness, and giving our worship to God needs to be our first priority. He must be above all else.
When we are spiritual dry, empty, exhausted, burnt-out, and just plain tired, it's hard to love, serve and give our attention to anything. God must be our source of strength. We must be deeply rooted, satisfied, contented and engulfed in the love of God. I am resolved to make more time for God. I need to figure out a way to free myself up from demanding responsibilities. I need to focus on spiritual disciplines like simplicity, rest, slowing, relinquishment, meditation, contemplation, and prayer. I basically suck at doing daily devotions, and I need to figure out a way that I can commit to something simple enough for me to do.
Since Spring semester just finished, i felt like i had a short breathe of air to relax and not worry about school. I'm pretty sure there's a link between physical exercise and spiritual exercise. Working out and releasing stress and just moving my body seems to help clear my mind. It feels good to release energy out in weights, basketball or swimming. Fellowship is always extremely important. But sometimes alone time with God is much more intimate.
I watched a movie called "Chronicles" and it was about these teenagers who got superpowers. But towards the second half of the movie, it got dark. One of the kids had an abusive father, and it led to a lot of anger and hatred. It just made me think how important family, community and a support system is. The character was a good example of someone who felt misunderstood, lonely and didn't receive much love from others. As Christians we need to practice giving and receiving love.
God help me surrender my stresses and anxieties. Help me to be more intentional with my time. God i pray that i would be able to give my full attention to you. Gaurd me from getting tangled up in sins, idols and distractions. Help me to love others. Give me the patience and energy to accomplish the responsibilities you've entrusted me with. Help me be a good steward of my life. Father fill me with your Spirit and use me for your purposes. Help me to die to myself. I pray that your desires would become my desires. I want to know you more. I want to be closer. Help me when i am too weak. Help me to just sit at the foot of the cross, to see your glory and to embrace your love. Father comfort me when i grow weary. Energize me, teach me, and grant me self-control. God help me to be more disciplined. May i find rest, peace and strength in you. Amen.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Monday, May 21, 2012
Summer Begins
I feel like i can finally breathe!
I pumped out a 16pg paper today!
turn it in on wednesday
Sunghwa's graduation
Summer schooool starts next monday already!?
Sunghwa's bday
college retreat?
family youth retreat
isaac comes up
move into gregs apt
hawaii!
"I am thankful and excited for the break
But it worries me too.
I want to use my time wisely
When was last time that i truely was delighted by God's word?
I want to be able to enjoy his presence in my life.
아ㅏㅏㅏㅏㅏㅏ" -reba
ditto
"However, I consider my
life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete
the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the good
news of God’s grace." -Acts 20:24
What i learned from my classes this semester
Issues and Ethics Class
You can get sued if your not negligent or competent as a pastoral counselor
lol we basically went over all the different ways to protect yourself
i really need to make consent forms for ministry..
Apologetics Class
Cosmological Argument
Axiological (Moral) Argument
Teleological (Intellegent Design) Argument
Historicity of Jesus and Scripture
Witness of the Holy Spirit
The Problem of Evil
Religious Pluralism
Naturalism (only nature exist)
Scientism (scientific method only)
Epistemology (study of knowledge)
Theology 3 Class
Christology (doctrine of Christ)
harmatology (doctrine of sin)
pneumatology (doctrine of Holy Spirit)
Perspectives Mission Class
Reaching the nations by assimilating to other cultures
understanding your role in missions
the amount of people who are unreached
how to effectively plant churches and build relationships
how to multiply yourself in training leaders
the need for praying for other religions, ethnic people groups
It's been a long semester. It was a lot harder than i expected it to be. The last few weeks had way more papers than i hoped for. The 18pg mission paper and the 16pg apologetic paper almost killed me. But now im finally done! but i cant believe Patristic Theology for summer school starts next week! i jus wanna move out and go to hawaii! its been so hot hur lately! .. im gonna miss my cats! Least crystal is gonna have her puppy and i can play with it all day!
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Slowing Down
“The badge of busyness we so proudly wear is a demon of our times. Our competitive, survival of the fittest culture is unabashedly performance-driven. And so are we in the church. We find our identity and measure our worth in what and how much we accomplish.” -Bruce Demarest
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Renewed Conviction
I jus watched a movie called ""Beyond the Next Mountain." It was about how a missionary went to a people called the Hmar tribe in India and spoke the Gospel of Jesus Christ in their language. He gave them a Bible in English but they couldn't understand it. A generation goes by and a father sends his son to go find someone to translate the "book" in their own language. So the boy goes off into the jungle equipped with some rice and bread. He finds another village that offers an elementary English class. then he goes to the "outside world" to find someone to translate the Bible. He gets caught up in a business of selling cigarettes, and his dad finds him on the streets caught up in worldly things. The boy becomes resolved to commit to his father's task of translating the Bible for his Hmar tribe people. He eventually talks to the prime minister and is given a scholarship to study in London, and then eventually America. It's funny how simple he is and how culture shocked he gets. He tries hard to resist falling into all the different opportunities and distractions. Oh btw, this whole time he writes letters to this girl he met back in his tribe. They eventually get married and teach English. But anyways.. the guy begins to study Greek and Hebrew, and after 3 years of dedicating himself to the translation he finishes. The guy is so happy he starts dancing like a bird and sings praises to God. He then mails it home to his tribe. His dad somehow makes copies for everyone in the tribe. The dad goes up to the mountain where he prays everyday, and finally holds up God's Word translated in his own language. It got super emotional because it showed how much he valued and cherished God's precious truth of the Gospel. The translated Bible later spread to other tribes in India. He then late becomes president of some Bible translation place and mails Bibles to everyone. Towards the end of the movie, he meets the missionary who first spoke the Gospel to his dad and tribe. The missionary is astonished at how his little seeds flourished and produced fruits of conversion in India.
Too often we forget the power of the Bible and Prayer. We take it for granted. The truth of eternal life in Jesus Christ is more precious than gold and silver. When i'm 80, i want to look back on my life and see that i not only invested my life into growing in God's Word and in prayer, but that i also invested into loving those around me. It's so easy to get caught up in idols in America. It's so easy to turn to and depend on other things. In our pride, we try to satisfy ourselves with our lusts and we try to feed ourselves with inadequate substitutes. The answer is seeking intimacy with God and receiving His grace through faith. He is the only one who can truly satisfy our souls. What are we giving our lives to? When we look back on life, what will we have invested our lives into? Is there anything more important than enjoying the riches of God's love and sharing this good news with others?
I was talking to this woman, and she asked me, "How did you come to know the Lord." I told her my brief testimony. Then i asked, "How about you?" She began to tell me of when she was young and she her a sermon by Chuck Swindoll at EV Free Fullerton. She remembers him preaching out of Isaiah 6, and learning about God's holiness. She said she began to shake because at that moment she began to see how holy God really is. She began to talk about God's attributes and how she knew she needed to commit her life to God and take Him more seriously. She said, "I could no longer afford to take God lightly." She saw God and who He is in nature. By gaining a greater knowledge of who God is, one is given a greater sense of reverence, worship and awe. Paul says in Philippians 3:7, "I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord." Nothing is more important than personally knowing God and growing in knowledge of Him. And with that head knowledge, we are given the heart knowledge to receive Him into our lives more and more. As Christians we need to take our walk more seriously. We cannot take sin lightly. We need to die to our sin and flesh and walk in the freedom of the Holy Spirit.
“My people have committed two sins: They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water." -Jeremiah 2:13
"Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith." -Hebrews 12:1-2
"Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your toil is not in vain in the Lord." -Corinthians 15:58
"The LORD also will be a stronghold for the oppressed,
A stronghold in times of trouble;
And those who know Your name will put their trust in You,
For You, O LORD, have not forsaken those who seek You." -Psalm 9:9-10
Too often we forget the power of the Bible and Prayer. We take it for granted. The truth of eternal life in Jesus Christ is more precious than gold and silver. When i'm 80, i want to look back on my life and see that i not only invested my life into growing in God's Word and in prayer, but that i also invested into loving those around me. It's so easy to get caught up in idols in America. It's so easy to turn to and depend on other things. In our pride, we try to satisfy ourselves with our lusts and we try to feed ourselves with inadequate substitutes. The answer is seeking intimacy with God and receiving His grace through faith. He is the only one who can truly satisfy our souls. What are we giving our lives to? When we look back on life, what will we have invested our lives into? Is there anything more important than enjoying the riches of God's love and sharing this good news with others?
I was talking to this woman, and she asked me, "How did you come to know the Lord." I told her my brief testimony. Then i asked, "How about you?" She began to tell me of when she was young and she her a sermon by Chuck Swindoll at EV Free Fullerton. She remembers him preaching out of Isaiah 6, and learning about God's holiness. She said she began to shake because at that moment she began to see how holy God really is. She began to talk about God's attributes and how she knew she needed to commit her life to God and take Him more seriously. She said, "I could no longer afford to take God lightly." She saw God and who He is in nature. By gaining a greater knowledge of who God is, one is given a greater sense of reverence, worship and awe. Paul says in Philippians 3:7, "I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord." Nothing is more important than personally knowing God and growing in knowledge of Him. And with that head knowledge, we are given the heart knowledge to receive Him into our lives more and more. As Christians we need to take our walk more seriously. We cannot take sin lightly. We need to die to our sin and flesh and walk in the freedom of the Holy Spirit.
“My people have committed two sins: They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water." -Jeremiah 2:13
"Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith." -Hebrews 12:1-2
"Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your toil is not in vain in the Lord." -Corinthians 15:58
"The LORD also will be a stronghold for the oppressed,
A stronghold in times of trouble;
And those who know Your name will put their trust in You,
For You, O LORD, have not forsaken those who seek You." -Psalm 9:9-10
Sunday, May 6, 2012
stress
anxiety in the heart
stress turning into pain
dont want to do anything
no strength, too weak, too tired
so much to do
stress from people
stress from school work
next few weeks will be very stressful
2weeks + finals week.
4 papers, 3 projects, 2 finals
then immediately after it's summer school for 16hrs a week
then we have retreat
then i move
then ike comes up to cali
then ike comes up to cali
then i can finally go to hawaii
warning! reading this blog may cause you stress, lol
warning! reading this blog may cause you stress, lol
when i briefly talked to tim today he said, "I can't do anything because i have to do this paper. And i can't work on this paper, so i cant enjoy anything." thanks sunghwa for helping, cough i mean writing his paper. i went home early after church. i jus felt stressed out and tired. i rather remove myself then drag other people down. i almost fell asleep driving i was so tired. I have so many things that im worried about, that sometimes all i can do is worry. i really need to get stuff done. it's sad to admit that my goal right now is to jus pass classes. i started off with the do ur best in everything mentality, to jus survive and finish.
i really need to workout. it's one of my best ways of reliving stress. boba, beach, hiking, media, sleep, are nice. but God dwells in 24 hour fitness for me. Physical exercise, weights, basketball, the swimming pool and the jacuzzi make me feel at home. but lately i havnt had the time.
Avengers was better than my expectations. i kept my expectations low since the hype was so big. i actually really liked it. they coulda changed a few things here and there, but overall the action and small laughs made it enjoyable. i wish i had superpowers..
so wen i slept over gregs, melis and kris made visalus shakes. omgosh. they made banana cream, strawberry banana, peanut butterscotch, and cinnabon flavor shakes. There's a lsit of hundreds of simple recipes that you can do with visalus. So i went to walmart, bought a super cool $20 blender, jello powder packet thingys, vanilla extract, fruits, and milk. Went home and made banana cream.. omygosh.. i didn't think i could be so attracted to a shake. So fresh, healthy and tasty! ahh! gosh jus talkin about it makes me crave it more.. but it's too late to use my loud grinder.. delicious homemade shakes are the only thing keepin my mind off my stress.
God is always the best way to find peace and relieve our anxieties. but for some reason it seems very difficult right now. do i really experience this peace from God? Why is it so much easier to turn to a distraction or to a friend? I don't like dumping my stressful problems and venting to people because it might discourage and bring them down with me. There's a few people who tend to add stress whenever im around them. Some people jus have horrible manners, consideration and interpersonal skills. I know ive already vented about these self absorbed and obnoxious ppl before.. but they still get to me and create anger.. sometimes i jus wanna turn into the hulk and smash things.. God give me the patience and compassion to deal with these people.
Pretty sure i wanna move in to greg's gmas's place. it'd be sweet to actually live on my own and be close to church. I really wanna get a dog. i dont wanna hafta deal with all the responsibilities. but i want a fluffy soft smaller size dog. one that doesn't bark, or smell bad. one that stays still and likes to sleep with me. a happy dog makes a happy boy.
Why is there so much anxiety in my heart. it's so painful. why am i worried about so many things. perhaps im not trusting God in these areas. sometimes it's so easy to talk about God and talk about his truths, it's a whole nother thing to experience and to practice living by them though. God give me strength. Give me discipline. Give me joy. and then some more strength.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Tuesday-Wednesday
I really wanted to blog this on Tuesday. but now it's somehow Thursday. My Tuesday was such a good day. It may be difficult to recollect all my thoughts, but i'll try.
Ok.. it's coming back to me. I woke up around 11. Got to school around 12 to meet my friend Reena. She is such a godly woman. She is like a third mom for me, since i already have two. Anyways it was super refreshing just to catch up over lunch. She brings such a loving presence and is very easy to talk to. She told me that i looked well rested and not stressed out. Then i realized that i really was doing good. Sometimes i always think im stressed out, but really, life is going really well and i have lots of blessings to be grateful for. We talked about a lot of things and it was nice to share the things going on in our life. On our way out of the cafe we ran into Rob our spiritual formation cohort group leader, so that was nice too. Then went to get coffee, cuz the international koreans always have coffee on tuesdays.. i look korean enough to get some free starbucks, lol
There is something about Biola. The atmosphere is actually quite peaceful. Even when there's the stress of school, there is a sense of peace on the Biola campus. It's a Christian utopia, where people are usually full of smiles, greetings and the Holy Spirit. Then i got to class and saw this guy named Jon. He looked pretty out of it and stressed out. I saw that he had a sprite, which looked super good so i ran to the soda machine. And then i looked at my wallet and only had a $10. So i saw this dude by the machines i knew and asked if he had change for a $10. And no1 ever has change for a $10. I forget this guy's name but he is pretty cool. He's always so chill and he embodies faith. In some people it's really easy to see that Christ is the center and their joy.
Then i sat in class i listened to this lady named Victoria pray for our class time. This wasn't just an ordinary prayer to start things, but it was really patient and she invited God to be with us and that we'd be available for His will. She seriously has the most authentic smile, it brings a lot of peace when she's around. She's patient, polite and very soft spoken. But you can easily tell she wants to do her best to love and serve others.
Then we listened to this guy Mike talk about how he was in court this week. He's a Chaplin for this prison ministry and he had a call that one of the guys were tryin to commit suicide. They took 21 vicodin and drank it with alcohol. So he called 911 and the suicide support guys came within 3 minutes and were able to save this guy. Mike said that this guy was getting therapy. His therapist gave him fantasies to live in to distract him from reality. But mike noted that he asked the guy what he's afraid of. And the guy didn't want to answer because his therapist dont want him to think about his reality. He said he's afraid of dying alone. Then mike thought that his comment about "what are you afraid of?" might have lead the guy to commit suicide because he could control when and where he'd die. Mike went on to tell about how he felt really guilty. But God spoke to him and said that He would take him out of the situation and ministry if he wanted to. He realized that it wasn't his fault for other people's decisions and that he wanted to be used for God's purposes.
Then in class a few guys Matt, Don, Steve, Mike and some other guys were all joking around about a case we hadta do in class. It was fun to see how bringing in humor can really lighten up everyone's mood. It was also really fun to laugh at silly jokes and puns.
After class i talked more with Victoria and Mike. They began to talk about the chaplin classs that i'm probably gonna take next semester. They talked about how some people are really lonely and don't have anyone. Some ppl lie in hospital beds just watching tv all day with no1 to really talk to. As a chaplin, there is a ministry of presence. Just being there interested in listening to someone else's life shows compassion.
Victoria shared a story about what a joy it was to just listen to this older lady talk, even if she didn't have any teeth. Just showing the patience to listen and comfort her with the truths of scripture brought about divine revelation and peace. Chaplins remind people that God loves them and is always there for them. They remind them of the forgiveness through Christ and how they can let go of their anxieties. Most people in life are not surrounded by a solid community. Most people will keep to themselves and isolate themselves from others. Maybe they've tried to reach out but they can't find the right people who would receive it well and be understanding. So then, instead of finding support by sharing with others, they just internalize it and endure their problems.
Mike offered me an internship at his ministry. we began to talk more about the commitments of ministry and how we need to get an A in relationships. Instead of idolizing academics, i see how important it is to invest into other people's lives. I kinda got a little worried since Talbot classes, ministry, and then taking on an internship as a chaplin for school seems overwhelming. I feel like there's so many opportunities for someone to root themselves in, but there's only so much time and energy that we have. We have to discern where and what God wants us to focus on.
Anyways.. after i talked to them, i went to sit down with my friend Alex. Alex is super chill. He is so wise and knows when to bring godly correction. He has a great discernment. Anyways i got to share a good conversation with him and talk about school. It was refreshing because i haven't made time to sit down with him in a while.
Then i went to go meet up with 3 pastors. One is from talbot and is a youth pastor, his name is David. The other 2 pastors are married. Pastor Rachel is a youth pastor and Pastor Jay is taking a break from ministry. Their ministry, "Live Out Loud" is for disciplining and mentoring younger leaders like myself in ministry. This is great because i really need a group of leaders who can bounce ideas off each other. After we prayed. Pastor Jay ended with a longer prayer and it was good to see someone praying patiently and not just for the sake of praying. It was quite encouraging. Another thing they plan to do is a joint winter retreat. They already like to plan ahead, so it'll be easier with more people planning. Hopefully it's a good idea and our church kids feel comfortable with meeting other church ministries.
Then when i got home, my roommate mike came in and we started to talk around 12am. We didn't stop talking to 8am. lol.. it's easy to get into deep conversations about God, life, school, the future, and share experiences of our past. I really dont remember much cuz my brain was really lagging. I remember Mike talkin about how he wants to live life while he's single. Before he's bound by marriage and kids, he wants to go skydiving. And then we talked about him coming to hawaii. then i started to reminisce about hawaii and i began telling him of the beach, sharks, and the dangers of the ocean. lol so random. Then he talked about how he ran into a cactus in Arizona. We tend to like to talk about high school and childhood memories. It's probably why we like to watch the wonder years. Mike is planning to move back to Arizona for next semester. It kinda makes me sad cuz i wont have him to talk to late at night. im also gonna miss my little fat cats! snowball is so good when he's sleepy. and crow-crow is so fluffy, fat and lazy. he always looks at me and meows for water and treats. i don't think i'll miss wild thing. he's too antisocial.
The bulk of our conversation was about how we could be used most effectively for God's kingdom purposes. He debated doing something in the church, like being an assistant pastor who talks about apologetics. Maybe becoming a guest speaker or pastor. Then he talked about going into a secular university and teaching Christianity. Then he talked about a Christian college where he could teach Christian philosophy and apologetics. Then he also brought up the option of teaching at a seminary in Arizona where he could teach future leaders. What level of education should he go after. where should he apply. Where could he do the most for God? We didn't solve his questions, but it got me to think about where i'd be after i graduate and what type of ministry i'd be in.
I then skipped class on Wednesday because i thought it'd be more prudent to get some rest. I woke up at 130pm and started cleaning the house. Tried to get some finical aid things done online. Changed my class schedule for next semester. Then i had to help mike get this huge table in his car trunk. that took a while.. Then i drove him to school to drop his papers off and then we went to dennys. I'm tryin to eat healthier, but it's so hard when cheese burgers are so good! Then.. what did i do? I think i came home and continued cleaning up a little. Then i took a nap. mike left for Arizona. Then i talked to my other roommate Jon for a while. Then i cleaned up my room a little. then i lied in bed again. Talked to Reba for a little. Then i made a sandwich and put goldfish in some chicken noodle soup and watched cartoons. then... i started blogging. Sorry i write things that don't have much significance. jus speed read or don't read, lol
I have a paper due in 9 hours and i havent finished it.. it's 1:08am and i have no energy to write a paper.. sigh.. i'll probably do it and hopefully finish it around 3am. uhh... oh yeah.. Avengers comes out Thursday night. i'm some what excited even tho im not a big avengers fan. I jus like super heroes, lol. uhhhh praise night is on Friday, hopefully it's not too much for our worship team to do. They do such a great job putting in the time to make sure they can give it their best. then leaders meeting after.. and then on Saturday i'll go hiking with Pastor Jay, Pastor Rachel and Pastor David. It'll be good to meet people from other ministries.
Then there's only two more weeks of school and then finals week. Then it's summer school. gah.. then i hafta figure out about moving closer to Cerritos and what that'll look like. Then it's off to HAWAII for July! but right now i need to finish up my paper.. but my back is so sore, i might jus go lie down into i get more energy to type up a paper.. lol even tho i jus wrote this long blog.. lol ok bye!
__________
wait i also wanted to mention some things. first.. some ppl really frustrate me. i feel like i jus tolerate it and hold it in. cuz i dont want to start an angry conflict of hurt feelings and say things i might regret. There are jus some ppl who i dont think i can be around for too long. I guess the lesson is to jus keep certain people at a distance because they might drain, exhaust and anchor you down with them. Keep your close friends the jelly cream filling, well if life were a doughnut. lol..
I was also kinda thinkin of things i suck at. lol. I was a little emo on Sunday cuz i somehow ended up at a karaoke. And i jus don't like karaokes. lol.. It was fun to watch Sunghwa, Chrissy, Reba sing. But they sing so well. and singing should be a fun activity. how come i cant jus have fun too? but i get nervous and shy because i dont like to sing in front of other people, esp at karaokes. One of the main reasons i don't like karaokes is because i have had bad karaoke experiences in the past. I wonder if we're afraid of things today because we've been slightly traumatized from our relationships, parent attachments, past failures and insecurities.
The worst was on a cruise ship, and everyone was having fun picking songs to sing. So i decided to pick a song i like. "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" And so i got on stage in front of tons of other kids. then the music came on.. and i didn't realize that they dont sing the lyrics to the song, so u jus gotta read the words quickly on the screen with perfect tune and rhythm. So i basically bombed. and one stupid boy shouted "Boo, You Suck!" Then this lady who was like a leader came up and tried to help me sing, im grateful she came to help, but it was even more embarrassing because it showed how much i didnt kno what i was doing.. so much shame.. Then there's other karaoke parties with friends, and it takes so much out of me to overcome singing in a group.. I usually jus get really quiet and dont want to participate. Then ppl keep asking me what's wrong. sigh..
sorry i hafta say this kinda stuff on my blog instead of being a man and sayin it in person. lol.. But you guys are all so musically talented! i get a little jealous. How come i cant play guitar well? how come i dont know piano, bass, or drums? Chris it's probably because u never learned and don't have the discipline to learn now. Yeah.. that's true. But then how come i cant sing well either? How come i don't speak Korean? How come i can't cook? How come i can't ice skate like everyone else! I kno we all have our different areas of different skill, but still.. i want to at least be decent, and not suck so much!
Singing really isn't that bad. I think dancing in public is probably the most embarrassing thing for me. probably cuz at school dances, there's the pressure of fast and slow dancing. and then the speculation and critique of all your peers. if u dance like an idiot, people jus talk and say how lame you are. then if u don't dance, ur a wimpy party pooper and have no courage. Then i started to think of more things i wish i was better at. i wish i was a better leader. I wish i had a stronger pursuit to know and love God. I wish i was a better son. I wish i was a better student. And even when i wish these things, i get really angry at myself because i don't put any more effort into tryin to get closer to those ideals. I get angry at myself that i cant even communicate these fears. why do i hafta be such a girly baby sometimes!
i need to learn to have grace for myself and to just have fun even if i'm not that great in an activity. God help me devote myself to you and not beat myself up so hard when i don't practice spiritual disciplines and grow in my sanctification. I pray that'd i learn to simply be accepted by you and that i'd continue to walk with you. I give you my insecurities, fears, failures, frustrations, worries, and disappointments. Discipline me and fill me with joy. sorry my blogs are so long! even i wouldnt wanna read them, lol lalala ok bye
Ok.. it's coming back to me. I woke up around 11. Got to school around 12 to meet my friend Reena. She is such a godly woman. She is like a third mom for me, since i already have two. Anyways it was super refreshing just to catch up over lunch. She brings such a loving presence and is very easy to talk to. She told me that i looked well rested and not stressed out. Then i realized that i really was doing good. Sometimes i always think im stressed out, but really, life is going really well and i have lots of blessings to be grateful for. We talked about a lot of things and it was nice to share the things going on in our life. On our way out of the cafe we ran into Rob our spiritual formation cohort group leader, so that was nice too. Then went to get coffee, cuz the international koreans always have coffee on tuesdays.. i look korean enough to get some free starbucks, lol
There is something about Biola. The atmosphere is actually quite peaceful. Even when there's the stress of school, there is a sense of peace on the Biola campus. It's a Christian utopia, where people are usually full of smiles, greetings and the Holy Spirit. Then i got to class and saw this guy named Jon. He looked pretty out of it and stressed out. I saw that he had a sprite, which looked super good so i ran to the soda machine. And then i looked at my wallet and only had a $10. So i saw this dude by the machines i knew and asked if he had change for a $10. And no1 ever has change for a $10. I forget this guy's name but he is pretty cool. He's always so chill and he embodies faith. In some people it's really easy to see that Christ is the center and their joy.
Then i sat in class i listened to this lady named Victoria pray for our class time. This wasn't just an ordinary prayer to start things, but it was really patient and she invited God to be with us and that we'd be available for His will. She seriously has the most authentic smile, it brings a lot of peace when she's around. She's patient, polite and very soft spoken. But you can easily tell she wants to do her best to love and serve others.
Then we listened to this guy Mike talk about how he was in court this week. He's a Chaplin for this prison ministry and he had a call that one of the guys were tryin to commit suicide. They took 21 vicodin and drank it with alcohol. So he called 911 and the suicide support guys came within 3 minutes and were able to save this guy. Mike said that this guy was getting therapy. His therapist gave him fantasies to live in to distract him from reality. But mike noted that he asked the guy what he's afraid of. And the guy didn't want to answer because his therapist dont want him to think about his reality. He said he's afraid of dying alone. Then mike thought that his comment about "what are you afraid of?" might have lead the guy to commit suicide because he could control when and where he'd die. Mike went on to tell about how he felt really guilty. But God spoke to him and said that He would take him out of the situation and ministry if he wanted to. He realized that it wasn't his fault for other people's decisions and that he wanted to be used for God's purposes.
Then in class a few guys Matt, Don, Steve, Mike and some other guys were all joking around about a case we hadta do in class. It was fun to see how bringing in humor can really lighten up everyone's mood. It was also really fun to laugh at silly jokes and puns.
After class i talked more with Victoria and Mike. They began to talk about the chaplin classs that i'm probably gonna take next semester. They talked about how some people are really lonely and don't have anyone. Some ppl lie in hospital beds just watching tv all day with no1 to really talk to. As a chaplin, there is a ministry of presence. Just being there interested in listening to someone else's life shows compassion.
Victoria shared a story about what a joy it was to just listen to this older lady talk, even if she didn't have any teeth. Just showing the patience to listen and comfort her with the truths of scripture brought about divine revelation and peace. Chaplins remind people that God loves them and is always there for them. They remind them of the forgiveness through Christ and how they can let go of their anxieties. Most people in life are not surrounded by a solid community. Most people will keep to themselves and isolate themselves from others. Maybe they've tried to reach out but they can't find the right people who would receive it well and be understanding. So then, instead of finding support by sharing with others, they just internalize it and endure their problems.
Mike offered me an internship at his ministry. we began to talk more about the commitments of ministry and how we need to get an A in relationships. Instead of idolizing academics, i see how important it is to invest into other people's lives. I kinda got a little worried since Talbot classes, ministry, and then taking on an internship as a chaplin for school seems overwhelming. I feel like there's so many opportunities for someone to root themselves in, but there's only so much time and energy that we have. We have to discern where and what God wants us to focus on.
Anyways.. after i talked to them, i went to sit down with my friend Alex. Alex is super chill. He is so wise and knows when to bring godly correction. He has a great discernment. Anyways i got to share a good conversation with him and talk about school. It was refreshing because i haven't made time to sit down with him in a while.
Then i went to go meet up with 3 pastors. One is from talbot and is a youth pastor, his name is David. The other 2 pastors are married. Pastor Rachel is a youth pastor and Pastor Jay is taking a break from ministry. Their ministry, "Live Out Loud" is for disciplining and mentoring younger leaders like myself in ministry. This is great because i really need a group of leaders who can bounce ideas off each other. After we prayed. Pastor Jay ended with a longer prayer and it was good to see someone praying patiently and not just for the sake of praying. It was quite encouraging. Another thing they plan to do is a joint winter retreat. They already like to plan ahead, so it'll be easier with more people planning. Hopefully it's a good idea and our church kids feel comfortable with meeting other church ministries.
Then when i got home, my roommate mike came in and we started to talk around 12am. We didn't stop talking to 8am. lol.. it's easy to get into deep conversations about God, life, school, the future, and share experiences of our past. I really dont remember much cuz my brain was really lagging. I remember Mike talkin about how he wants to live life while he's single. Before he's bound by marriage and kids, he wants to go skydiving. And then we talked about him coming to hawaii. then i started to reminisce about hawaii and i began telling him of the beach, sharks, and the dangers of the ocean. lol so random. Then he talked about how he ran into a cactus in Arizona. We tend to like to talk about high school and childhood memories. It's probably why we like to watch the wonder years. Mike is planning to move back to Arizona for next semester. It kinda makes me sad cuz i wont have him to talk to late at night. im also gonna miss my little fat cats! snowball is so good when he's sleepy. and crow-crow is so fluffy, fat and lazy. he always looks at me and meows for water and treats. i don't think i'll miss wild thing. he's too antisocial.
The bulk of our conversation was about how we could be used most effectively for God's kingdom purposes. He debated doing something in the church, like being an assistant pastor who talks about apologetics. Maybe becoming a guest speaker or pastor. Then he talked about going into a secular university and teaching Christianity. Then he talked about a Christian college where he could teach Christian philosophy and apologetics. Then he also brought up the option of teaching at a seminary in Arizona where he could teach future leaders. What level of education should he go after. where should he apply. Where could he do the most for God? We didn't solve his questions, but it got me to think about where i'd be after i graduate and what type of ministry i'd be in.
I then skipped class on Wednesday because i thought it'd be more prudent to get some rest. I woke up at 130pm and started cleaning the house. Tried to get some finical aid things done online. Changed my class schedule for next semester. Then i had to help mike get this huge table in his car trunk. that took a while.. Then i drove him to school to drop his papers off and then we went to dennys. I'm tryin to eat healthier, but it's so hard when cheese burgers are so good! Then.. what did i do? I think i came home and continued cleaning up a little. Then i took a nap. mike left for Arizona. Then i talked to my other roommate Jon for a while. Then i cleaned up my room a little. then i lied in bed again. Talked to Reba for a little. Then i made a sandwich and put goldfish in some chicken noodle soup and watched cartoons. then... i started blogging. Sorry i write things that don't have much significance. jus speed read or don't read, lol
I have a paper due in 9 hours and i havent finished it.. it's 1:08am and i have no energy to write a paper.. sigh.. i'll probably do it and hopefully finish it around 3am. uhh... oh yeah.. Avengers comes out Thursday night. i'm some what excited even tho im not a big avengers fan. I jus like super heroes, lol. uhhhh praise night is on Friday, hopefully it's not too much for our worship team to do. They do such a great job putting in the time to make sure they can give it their best. then leaders meeting after.. and then on Saturday i'll go hiking with Pastor Jay, Pastor Rachel and Pastor David. It'll be good to meet people from other ministries.
Then there's only two more weeks of school and then finals week. Then it's summer school. gah.. then i hafta figure out about moving closer to Cerritos and what that'll look like. Then it's off to HAWAII for July! but right now i need to finish up my paper.. but my back is so sore, i might jus go lie down into i get more energy to type up a paper.. lol even tho i jus wrote this long blog.. lol ok bye!
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wait i also wanted to mention some things. first.. some ppl really frustrate me. i feel like i jus tolerate it and hold it in. cuz i dont want to start an angry conflict of hurt feelings and say things i might regret. There are jus some ppl who i dont think i can be around for too long. I guess the lesson is to jus keep certain people at a distance because they might drain, exhaust and anchor you down with them. Keep your close friends the jelly cream filling, well if life were a doughnut. lol..
I was also kinda thinkin of things i suck at. lol. I was a little emo on Sunday cuz i somehow ended up at a karaoke. And i jus don't like karaokes. lol.. It was fun to watch Sunghwa, Chrissy, Reba sing. But they sing so well. and singing should be a fun activity. how come i cant jus have fun too? but i get nervous and shy because i dont like to sing in front of other people, esp at karaokes. One of the main reasons i don't like karaokes is because i have had bad karaoke experiences in the past. I wonder if we're afraid of things today because we've been slightly traumatized from our relationships, parent attachments, past failures and insecurities.
The worst was on a cruise ship, and everyone was having fun picking songs to sing. So i decided to pick a song i like. "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" And so i got on stage in front of tons of other kids. then the music came on.. and i didn't realize that they dont sing the lyrics to the song, so u jus gotta read the words quickly on the screen with perfect tune and rhythm. So i basically bombed. and one stupid boy shouted "Boo, You Suck!" Then this lady who was like a leader came up and tried to help me sing, im grateful she came to help, but it was even more embarrassing because it showed how much i didnt kno what i was doing.. so much shame.. Then there's other karaoke parties with friends, and it takes so much out of me to overcome singing in a group.. I usually jus get really quiet and dont want to participate. Then ppl keep asking me what's wrong. sigh..
sorry i hafta say this kinda stuff on my blog instead of being a man and sayin it in person. lol.. But you guys are all so musically talented! i get a little jealous. How come i cant play guitar well? how come i dont know piano, bass, or drums? Chris it's probably because u never learned and don't have the discipline to learn now. Yeah.. that's true. But then how come i cant sing well either? How come i don't speak Korean? How come i can't cook? How come i can't ice skate like everyone else! I kno we all have our different areas of different skill, but still.. i want to at least be decent, and not suck so much!
Singing really isn't that bad. I think dancing in public is probably the most embarrassing thing for me. probably cuz at school dances, there's the pressure of fast and slow dancing. and then the speculation and critique of all your peers. if u dance like an idiot, people jus talk and say how lame you are. then if u don't dance, ur a wimpy party pooper and have no courage. Then i started to think of more things i wish i was better at. i wish i was a better leader. I wish i had a stronger pursuit to know and love God. I wish i was a better son. I wish i was a better student. And even when i wish these things, i get really angry at myself because i don't put any more effort into tryin to get closer to those ideals. I get angry at myself that i cant even communicate these fears. why do i hafta be such a girly baby sometimes!
i need to learn to have grace for myself and to just have fun even if i'm not that great in an activity. God help me devote myself to you and not beat myself up so hard when i don't practice spiritual disciplines and grow in my sanctification. I pray that'd i learn to simply be accepted by you and that i'd continue to walk with you. I give you my insecurities, fears, failures, frustrations, worries, and disappointments. Discipline me and fill me with joy. sorry my blogs are so long! even i wouldnt wanna read them, lol lalala ok bye
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