Tuesday-Wednesday

I really wanted to blog this on Tuesday. but now it's somehow Thursday. My Tuesday was such a good day. It may be difficult to recollect all my thoughts, but i'll try.

Ok.. it's coming back to me. I woke up around 11. Got to school around 12 to meet my friend Reena. She is such a godly woman. She is like a third mom for me, since i already have two. Anyways it was super refreshing just to catch up over lunch. She brings such a loving presence and is very easy to talk to. She told me that i looked well rested and not stressed out. Then i realized that i really was doing good. Sometimes i always think im stressed out, but really, life is going really well and i have lots of blessings to be grateful for.  We talked about a lot of things and it was nice to share the things going on in our life.  On our way out of the cafe we ran into Rob our spiritual formation cohort group leader, so that was nice too. Then went to get coffee, cuz the international koreans always have coffee on tuesdays..  i look korean enough to get some free starbucks, lol

There is something about Biola. The atmosphere is actually quite peaceful. Even when there's the stress of school, there is a sense of peace on the Biola campus. It's a Christian utopia, where people are usually full of smiles, greetings and the Holy Spirit. Then i got to class and saw this guy named Jon. He looked pretty out of it and stressed out. I saw that he had a sprite, which looked super good so i ran to the soda machine. And then i looked at my wallet and only had a $10. So i saw this dude by the machines i knew and asked if he had change for a $10. And no1 ever has change for a $10. I forget this guy's name but he is pretty cool. He's always so chill and he embodies faith. In some people it's really easy to see that Christ is the center and their joy.

Then i sat in class i listened to this lady named Victoria pray for our class time. This wasn't just an ordinary prayer to start things, but it was really patient and she invited God to be with us and that we'd be available for His will. She seriously has the most authentic smile, it brings a lot of peace when she's around. She's patient, polite and very soft spoken. But you can easily tell she wants to do her best to love and serve others.

Then we listened to this guy Mike talk about how he was in court this week. He's a Chaplin for this prison ministry and he had a call that one of the guys were tryin to commit suicide. They took 21 vicodin and drank it with alcohol. So he called 911 and the suicide support guys came within 3 minutes and were able to save this guy. Mike said that this guy was getting therapy. His therapist gave him fantasies to live in to distract him from reality. But mike noted that he asked the guy what he's afraid of. And the guy didn't want to answer because his therapist dont want him to think about his reality. He said he's afraid of dying alone. Then mike thought that his comment about "what are you afraid of?" might have lead the guy to commit suicide because he could control when and where he'd die. Mike went on to tell about how he felt really guilty. But God spoke to him and said that He would take him out of the situation and ministry if he wanted to. He realized that it wasn't his fault for other people's decisions and that he wanted to be used for God's purposes.

Then in class a few guys Matt, Don, Steve, Mike and some other guys were all joking around about a case we hadta do in class. It was fun to see how bringing in humor can really lighten up everyone's mood. It was also really fun to laugh at silly jokes and puns.

After class i talked more with Victoria and Mike. They began to talk about the chaplin classs that i'm probably gonna take next semester. They talked about how some people are really lonely and don't have anyone. Some ppl lie in hospital beds just watching tv all day with no1 to really talk to. As a chaplin, there is a ministry of presence. Just being there interested in listening to someone else's life shows compassion.

Victoria shared a story about what a joy it was to just listen to this older lady talk, even if she didn't have any teeth. Just showing the patience to listen and comfort her with the truths of scripture brought about divine revelation and peace. Chaplins remind people that God loves them and is always there for them. They remind them of the forgiveness through Christ and how they can let go of their anxieties. Most people in life are not surrounded by a solid community. Most people will keep to themselves and isolate themselves from others. Maybe they've tried to reach out but they can't find the right people who would receive it well and be understanding. So then, instead of finding support by sharing with others, they just internalize it and endure their problems.

Mike offered me an internship at his ministry. we began to talk more about the commitments of ministry and how we need to get an A in relationships. Instead of idolizing academics, i see how important it is to invest into other people's lives. I kinda got a little worried since Talbot classes, ministry, and then taking on an internship as a chaplin for school seems overwhelming. I feel like there's so many opportunities for someone to root themselves in, but there's only so much time and energy that we have. We have to discern where and what God wants us to focus on.

Anyways.. after i talked to them, i went to sit down with my friend Alex. Alex is super chill. He is so wise and knows when to bring godly correction. He has a great discernment. Anyways i got to share a good conversation with him and talk about school. It was refreshing because i haven't made time to sit down with him in a while.

Then i went to go meet up with 3 pastors. One is from talbot and is a youth pastor, his name is David. The other 2 pastors are married. Pastor Rachel is a youth pastor and Pastor Jay is taking a break from ministry. Their ministry, "Live Out Loud" is for disciplining and mentoring younger leaders like myself in ministry. This is great because i really need a group of leaders who can bounce ideas off each other. After we prayed. Pastor Jay ended with a longer prayer and it was good to see someone praying patiently and not just for the sake of praying. It was quite encouraging. Another thing they plan to do is a joint winter retreat. They already like to plan ahead, so it'll be easier with more people planning. Hopefully it's a good idea and our church kids feel comfortable with meeting other church ministries.

Then when i got home, my roommate mike came in and we started to talk around 12am. We didn't stop talking to 8am. lol.. it's easy to get into deep conversations about God, life, school, the future, and share experiences of our past. I really dont remember much cuz my brain was really lagging. I remember Mike talkin about how he wants to live life while he's single. Before he's bound by marriage and kids, he wants to go skydiving. And then we talked about him coming to hawaii. then i started to reminisce about hawaii and i began telling him of the beach, sharks, and the dangers of the ocean. lol so random. Then he talked about how he ran into a cactus in Arizona. We tend to like to talk about high school and childhood memories. It's probably why we like to watch the wonder years. Mike is planning to move back to Arizona for next semester. It kinda makes me sad cuz i wont have him to talk to late at night. im also gonna miss my little fat cats! snowball is so good when he's sleepy. and crow-crow is so fluffy, fat and lazy. he always looks at me and meows for water and treats. i don't think i'll miss wild thing. he's too antisocial.

The bulk of our conversation was about how we could be used most effectively for God's kingdom purposes. He debated doing something in the church, like being an assistant pastor who talks about apologetics. Maybe becoming a guest speaker or pastor. Then he talked about going into a secular university and teaching Christianity. Then he talked about a Christian college where he could teach Christian philosophy and apologetics. Then he also brought up the option of teaching at a seminary in Arizona where he could teach future leaders. What level of education should he go after. where should he apply. Where could he do the most for God? We didn't solve his questions, but it got me to think about where i'd be after i graduate and what type of ministry i'd be in.

  I then skipped class on Wednesday because i thought it'd be more prudent to get some rest. I woke up at 130pm and started cleaning the house. Tried to get some finical aid things done online. Changed my class schedule for next semester. Then i had to help mike get this huge table in his car trunk. that took a while.. Then i drove him to school to drop his papers off and then we went to dennys. I'm tryin to eat healthier, but it's so hard when cheese burgers are so good! Then.. what did i do? I think i came home and continued cleaning up a little. Then i took a nap. mike left for Arizona. Then i talked to my other roommate Jon for a while. Then i cleaned up my room a little. then i lied in bed again. Talked to Reba for a little. Then i made a sandwich and put goldfish in some chicken noodle soup and watched cartoons. then... i started blogging. Sorry i write things that don't have much significance. jus speed read or don't read, lol

I have a paper due in 9 hours and i havent finished it.. it's 1:08am and i have no energy to write a paper.. sigh.. i'll probably do it and hopefully finish it around 3am. uhh... oh yeah.. Avengers comes out Thursday night. i'm some what excited even tho im not a big avengers fan. I jus like super heroes, lol. uhhhh praise night is on Friday, hopefully it's not too much for our worship team to do. They do such a great job putting in the time to make sure they can give it their best. then leaders meeting after.. and then on Saturday i'll go hiking with Pastor Jay, Pastor Rachel and Pastor David. It'll be good to meet people from other ministries.

Then there's only two more weeks of school and then finals week. Then it's summer school. gah.. then i hafta figure out about moving closer to Cerritos and what that'll look like. Then it's off to HAWAII for July! but right now i need to finish up my paper.. but my back is so sore, i might jus go lie down into i get more energy to type up a paper.. lol even tho i jus wrote this long blog.. lol ok bye!

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wait i also wanted to mention some things. first.. some ppl really frustrate me. i feel like i jus tolerate it and hold it in. cuz i dont want to start an angry conflict of hurt feelings and say things i might regret. There are jus some ppl who i dont think i can be around for too long. I guess the lesson is to jus keep certain people at a distance because they might drain, exhaust and anchor you down with them. Keep your close friends the jelly cream filling, well if life were a doughnut. lol..

I was also kinda thinkin of things i suck at. lol. I was a little emo on Sunday cuz i somehow ended up at a karaoke. And i jus don't like karaokes. lol.. It was fun to watch Sunghwa, Chrissy, Reba sing. But they sing so well. and singing should be a fun activity. how come i cant jus have fun too? but i get nervous and shy because i dont like to sing in front of other people, esp at karaokes. One of the main reasons i don't like karaokes is because i have had bad karaoke experiences in the past. I wonder if we're afraid of things today because we've been slightly traumatized from our relationships, parent attachments, past failures and insecurities.

The worst was on a cruise ship, and everyone was having fun picking songs to sing. So i decided to pick a song i like. "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" And so i got on stage in front of tons of other kids. then the music came on.. and i didn't realize that they dont sing the lyrics to the song, so u jus gotta read the words quickly on the screen with perfect tune and rhythm. So i basically bombed. and one stupid boy shouted "Boo, You Suck!" Then this lady who was like a leader came up and tried to help me sing, im grateful she came to help, but it was even more embarrassing because it showed how much i didnt kno what i was doing.. so much shame.. Then there's other karaoke parties with friends, and it takes so much out of me to overcome singing in a group.. I usually jus get really quiet and dont want to participate. Then ppl keep asking me what's wrong. sigh..

sorry i hafta say this kinda stuff on my blog instead of being a man and sayin it in person. lol.. But you guys are all so musically talented! i get a little jealous. How come i cant play guitar well? how come i dont know piano, bass, or drums? Chris it's probably because u never learned and don't have the discipline to learn now. Yeah.. that's true. But then how come i cant sing well either? How come i don't speak Korean? How come i can't cook? How come i can't ice skate like everyone else! I kno we all have our different areas of different skill, but still.. i want to at least be decent, and not suck so much!

Singing really isn't that bad. I think dancing in public is probably the most embarrassing thing for me. probably cuz at school dances, there's the pressure of fast and slow dancing. and then the speculation and critique of all your peers. if u dance like an idiot, people jus talk and say how lame you are. then if u don't dance, ur a wimpy party pooper and have no courage. Then i started to think of more things i wish i was better at. i wish i was a better leader. I wish i had a stronger pursuit to know and love God. I wish i was a better son. I wish i was a better student. And even when i wish these things, i get really angry at myself because i don't put any more effort into tryin to get closer to those ideals. I get angry at myself that i cant even communicate these fears. why do i hafta be such a girly baby sometimes!

i need to learn to have grace for myself and to just have fun even if i'm not that great in an activity. God help me devote myself to you and not beat myself up so hard when i don't practice spiritual disciplines and grow in my sanctification. I pray that'd i learn to simply be accepted by you and that i'd continue to walk with you. I give you my insecurities, fears, failures, frustrations, worries, and disappointments. Discipline me and fill me with joy. sorry my blogs are so long! even i wouldnt wanna read them, lol lalala ok bye