2nd day of school

yesterday my teacher jus rambled on about her own life experiences and didnt teach us anything. Sometimes i wonder what im really gettn out of seminary. Sometimes the overwhelming requirements do make it feel like a "cemetery." all the time, money, work and energy for a degree that i dont really need, since tons of pastors dont need one. they teach about having peace, solitude, and having grace, but then they assign a butt load of reading and work! cant i jus worship Jesus and pass grad school! school is really frustrating me cuz i probably wont have much time/energy to do church stuff. jus too much responsibility.

Someone who owes me $200, isnt gonna pay me, and somethin i ordered online hasnt come for over 4 months, so i hafta forfeit about $300. Which sucks. I also lost another $400 from some things last month. I hate when u lose money for stupid reasons, that's not your fault. Well it probably sucks more when it's only your fault. anyways i guess the thing really making me angry is school. sorry im in a bad downer mood. i usually dont like to post these sorts of blogs.

If i knew how hard Greek and Hebrew were before goin to Talbot, i probably wouldn't have gone to seminary. Psychology would've been easier. 4-5yrs for a masters jus doesnt make sense. Today i sat through a Hebrew 1 class. And the teacher was probably the most strict teacher i've had. Ive had some scary teachers that i persevered through, but this guy jus seemed brutal. There's butt loads of work and quizzes everyday. So much reading and I could tell he moves too fast through material. Hebrew makes me want to do crazy things. I jokingly thought of all the ways i could jus die. I want to barf in a big ditch, add some homemade tears, throw in a shark, add 13 porcupines, fall into it, light in on fire and drown. That's how my class made me feel.

Asking if greek or hebrew is harder, is like asking if the alantic ocean is deeper than the pacific. They're both so confusing and hard. least greek is over. I felt so much stress after hebrew class. I may need to drop chaplaincy jus so i can try switch to an easier prof. I really just wanna pass.. 93% = a B+! what happened to 89%, gah! Right now school is causing me all sorts of stress. ive spent 6 semesters of greek, and have no need, use, or memory of it. why do i hafta spend time learnin languages i wont use! i jus wanna get done. hopefully i can workout a better schedule next week. I jus want to cry. my heart hurts so much. Hebrew is so painful. Dang tower of Babel! i'm so ready to jus go to heaven.

1st day of school

gahhhhhhhhh today is the first day of school. It's so hot. im chillin in the library doing absolutely nothing. so i figured ill blog about how bored i am, lol. hmm... i guess summer was long enough. It was awesome jus goin to the gym and not worrying about school.

being at school kinda makes me feel productive. But i'm honestly not lookin forward to my classes. I'm already waiting for christmas break. I dont wanna spend hours typing papers and studying!

After class i gotta go get a bunch of shots. i hate waiting forever in the waiting room. I have so many papers and test to fill out jus so i can intern under a chaplain. i jus wanna stay home and play video games, lol.

weeee!

For the last two days i've been kinda upset because Lakewood's 24 hour fitness closed their old gym and opened up a new super sport 24. It's super big, has new equipment, bball courts, racket ball, individual screens on their ellipticals, a swimming pool, jacuzzi, sauna, air conditioner, free towels, and everything is super nice. The reason i was upset was because they said my costco membership wouldnt work for a super sport. You could only be "grandfathered" into the new gym if you signed up and registered with Lakewood as your home gym. Technically my home gym is still in Brea/Fullerton. But i emailed arguing that i now live in Bellflower and have been attending Lakewood for months. Then i got a call this morning from the corporate offices saying that they'll make an exception for me. So instead of paying $60 a month for membership, i still only need to pay the costco $12 a month! Over two years i'll be saving over $700! yessssss! :)

I jus got back from 24. and it was awesome. It wasnt too crowded too. I did 15 minutes of sprints. Did some squats, dead lifts, and then i did some laps in the pool. After i had the jacuzzi all to myself, and then i went to both the sauna and steam room. I like the steam room better. then i took a long warm shower, it was super relaxing. I could seriously spend a whole day there.

Today was the 6 out of the 7 days i went to the gym. I stayed for 3.5 hours. I realize that although i enjoy people's company, i also really enjoy having time alone. Sometimes it allows me to think better. today after swimming laps, i had the jacuzzi to myself again. then a guy came in, but then this big lady came and sat right next to me in the entire jacuzzi.. she jus stayed there super close to me, so i got out and went to the steam room and later took a super hot shower. I like how the showers even have doors. Everything is high quality. And then it's right next to costco, target and surf city squeeze in lakewood mall. man it'd be awesome to jus eat healthy and workout everyday. I really don't want school to start! 

Chinese Chicken Salad

isn't it strange how at one moment you can feel great, and then at another moment you can feel pretty horrible? Within a day our moods change so much. Our hearts can be swayed so easily. Circumstances can be good and easy, and then they can suddenly turn bad and difficult.

My mom feels really depressed right now because her cat got ran over by a car. They had to amputate his tail. It lost complete feeling in it's tail, and my mom said it was bleeding a lot. She feels really bad because she didn't take him to the vet immediately, when she noticed he was sick with something. She felt she coulda done something to help him.

I have a friend who's been goin through some relationship problems. and it sounds really frustrating and stressful. Sometimes it's hard to do everything to please someone. Sometimes people have too many expectations of us.

For some reason i feel a little stressed out too. I'm not quite sure why though. I think the heat just makes me angry sometimes. I also wish i was better at planning. I feel disorganized, confused, and tired. I hate when you have a problem that you can't find a solution to. You feel so conflicted because you're not quite sure what to do.

the new 24 just opened today i think. It's a super sport, so im excited they have bball courts and a pool. I jus hope it doesnt get super crowded.

You ever get bored, and ur not quite sure what to do, so u go to the refrigerator and jus start eating. Im not even hungry and i feel like i need to stuff my face or snack on something. Sometimes i jus dont know what to do with myself.


A few nights ago i was super bored. So i thought it'd be good to try praying. I usually don't have much patience or focus to really pray. but I felt God was somehow reassuring me and comforting me. It felt good to meet with God. In hawaii i didn't make much time for God. I usually take walks, and God usually speaks to me. But this time, i jus indulged in other comforts and didn't give much devotion to God.

Anyways, between 4-530am, the other day i really felt God speaking to me. Reminding me how great it is to be a child of God and how much He loves me. I couldn't stop thinking about how awesome God's love for me is. how much he delights in me and how i belong to Him. These truths are so simple and yet so profound and deep. I actually felt held by God. And i get this good heartburn feeling. It's a consuming, overwhelming joy to jus be in intimate communion with Him. I could feel His embrace keeping me safe and secure. Actually being aware of His presence and receiving how much He loves me was jus incredible. What's strange is that as awesome as that experience was, i still find myself struggling to go back into this prayer, waiting, worship mode.

It's weird that we have the opportunity to meet with God 1 on 1 at any time, anywhere. And yet we don't. Sometimes worship music helps. But i usually find myself super distracted, searching for something else to fill or occupy me. Why is it so difficult to give God my attention? I need greater patience in seeking God. I want to find that place where there's absolutely nothing you rather be doing than spending time with God. His love is so great and powerful, and yet i turn to a silly iphone game instead. God please give me greater focus. Increase my love for you. Help me to slow down. Help me to spend more time with you. Help me to pray for others. Help me to find rest and peace in you.

lalala

im so jet lagged. i got back and slept around 930pm. woke up around 2pm, and it seriously felt like 7am. Which is really weird since hawaii is 3 hours back. my whole sense of time is confused.. now it's 4am and i don't know what to do. I didn't know it was still so hot in cali.. gahh.. should i go to the gym now? what do u do when ur wide awake at 4 in the morning... bleeeh

im gonna get my tired rotated and oil changed (way too lazy to do em myself)
go get a car wash (again i could do it myself, but she's so dirty!)
get a haircut (Which i could do myself and probably mess it up)
bank
go to school to meet a friend
pay tuition, maybe online?
hit the dry cleaners (ironing is too much of a pain)
hit costco or Fresh n Easy (no energy to cook)

hmm.. i think i need to start making daily devotions a better habit. i read my old journal and dang i was so consistent and hungry for God's word back then. God make me hungry for more of you

Goodbye Hawaii

Didn't sleep for a second last night..
stayed up most of the night tryin to pack..
then i would get distracted..
so i stayed up all night..
now i gotta rush to leave to the airport
so i can sit on a plane for 6 hours
It's kinda sad leaving home
it's so comfortable and fun
goodbye Hawaii, it's been real

a long day

My body is sore from yesterday
Mark called me up
we went to go lift
but then i felt sick cuz i didnt eat anything
then we went swimming
which really turned into lounging
it was good to catch up with him
it was refreshing to hit the pool and soak up sun
then we went curry house, mm..
then we met up with devin
then we went to go play ball at this new gym
it was gigantic
we played lots of games, and we were all done
then some guys challenged us,
so we were like, "sigh okay"
it was probably one of the hardest games i played
since the guy i guarded was like twice the size of me
and he jus pushed his way in to the paint
so i was super exhausted jus playin defense
but we ended up losing cuz they made so many 3pt shots
then we got dinner and went movies
now im super pooped and debating if we should go lift, pool, ball again
I think i come most alive when im busy with active recreation
it beats stayin at home all day
 

parenting

today i went to visit my cousin. She has two boys. Brennan is 2 years old, and the Preston is only 7 weeks. Having to watch them for just 2 hours was very challenging. It was easy holding preston on my lap, until he made a weird face and pooped in his pants. Apparently the rule is that if your holding him at that time you gotta change the diaper. It was also kinda gross to have them sneeze and drool everywhere.. Then Brennan had way too much energy running around and touching everything. He was also crying because he wasn't getting as much attention. i don't see how moms do it sometime.

At first i really wanted a kid. Then i still kinda wanted a kid. Then i was unsure. Now i'm pretty sure i don't want kids. Even just one is a lot of work. After, we went to walmart, and it seemed like everyone had little kids. you could hear parents scolding, children crying and screaming, and i was like, "man would i really be able to do that all day err day?" Sometimes kids just seem too out of control. You hafta do everything for them and they don't even listen. i can barely take care of myself. I'm not saying i don't enjoy kids. I'm jus saying that it takes a whole lot of energy, time, money and dedication to raise a child. I don't see how single parents can do it all. i think i'll jus get a dog!

Being in hawaii makes me lazy. My mom seriously does all the work. Cooking, cleaning, and yard work. She's super social and has so much energy. We went walking, and i know i walk slow, but she just kept going. i was so tired. i wish i did more to help. all i do is whine and complain. i did mow the lawn. and man grass is so much work.. if i get a house i'm getting cement. 

man i better start training for Olympics 2016