Introspection

donchya hate long blogs? me too. meahn! I don't like reading long blogs, and yet my blogs are always the longest, lol

im pretty sure ive been goin through slumps of mild depression. there are moments of happiness, usually video games, food and sleep, lol. But the problem is i can't trace the root of the depression. In the past i think loneliness attributed to some depression, but i don't really feel lonely. I think it's because i'm not satisfied in so many areas of my life. it feels like nothing is going really well. i'm not doin horrible in these areas, i jus feel like i've been sloppy and that everything is slowly falling apart. 

 

I feel like i'm failing academically, circumstantially, emotionally, relationally, physically, and spiritually. I jus haven't used my time wisely. so instead of doin anythin about it, i write long blogs. lol. But seriously, if i recognize i'm not doing well in a certain area, how come i don't change or work on it? How come i get so lazy and overvalue leisure, entertainment and fun? if i'm so hard on myself, then why aren't i disciplining myself better?

Sometimes i have such a negative self-view/ self-talk. I look at all the things goin wrong, and don't recognize the blessings. I sometimes feel so discouraged, dumb, empty, restless, disappointed, angry, sad, exhausted, stressed, irritated, discontented, unmotivated, and frustrated. Sometimes i feel like a failure and a loser for not being better. Especially when i make big mistakes. i dwell on miss opportunities and regret not making a wiser decision. Perhaps this is why i'm so hesitant to make decisions. 

I see who i would like to be, and yet i also see who i really am. I see such a big gap between them. I struggle to meet my high expectations and ideals. I can't seem to have enough willpower and effort in making good intentions towards my goals. I analyze, observe myself, do introspection, analyze my problems, try to come up with solutions, then i make the same stupid mistakes without following through with intentions. I end up walking in a circle, hitting the same walls and fallin into the same holes. I've learned to dodge a few habits, but i still struggle with reoccurring themes.

I kno i say this a lot. but i still need to trust in God's grace in a brighter way. i need grace and forgiveness for myself, to let go of my wrongs, fears, insecurities, failures, and imperfections. When we condemn ourselves, we aren't trusting in God's grace. We need to remember we're all works in progress and that God is still molding us. Perhaps he's using our short coming to teach us, discipline us, and sanctify us in some way.

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I actually did a buttload of laundry, cleaned my room, living room, kitchen and bathroom. When my life falls apart, my room falls apart.

didn't go to school today, rationalized and figured it was okay to skip since everyone else was off

i realize that i'm falling farther and farther behind in hebrew, (so unmotivated) but least i'm keepin up in other classes. i get so mad at myself when i procrastinate things till the last minute, and end up losing sleep.

ive been tryin to get an iphone 5 since thursday. i went to the apple store 4 times now. First time they were out of stock and said to come back tmrw. I went the next day, and they said, oh we didnt get any shipment today. called the third day, they said they didnt have any. I called the other apple stores, they're out of stock too. called best buys, and went to a one. they said we only got it in white. psh i aint gettin no phone in white. It'd be cool if i took the time to highlight key sentences in bold so readers could skim read and quickly get the main point, haha owell. then i went to another best buy. They had a 32gb in black, so i figured i'd jus pick it up instead of a 64gb. But i ended up waiting 20mins for customer service, and i was getting late for a dinner, so i left. So i call apple again, they said we got iphone 5s in. so i go, and then wait 20 minutes for someone to help me buy one. everything is going well, until he sees that my name isnt under the authorization for my uncles AT&T plan. so he said i cant purchase it for the plan price, it's their policy. i call my mom and uncle to put my name under authorization. so i waited in chick-fli-a for an hour, they didnt get back to me, so i went home. my uncle finally calls and he said he'll put me under the plan. I then go back to the apple store for the fourth time, and the guy says, oh this other guy is just buying the last one. come back tomorrow. My iphone3 dies and shuts off within 2 minutes of any usage, even if it's 85%-90%. i was pretty upset

i'm angry at myself that i get so angry and can't control feelings of frustration, i hate when my bad mood jus lingers for the rest of the day

i told myself, since all the kids are off, and i skipped school, i should call up church kids to hang out. i didn't take advantage of the free day. instead i played mindless video games with my roommate

I need to take better care of myself. i need to actually discipline and train myself to sleep and wake early. I gotta stop relyin on meds. at least God kinda healed my stomach pains lately, it's kinda encouraging to actually witness God answering specific prayers. Sometimes i might think it's jus coincidences, but at other times i can see it's God sovereignly working.

physically, i completely fell off the "eating healthy diet." i compromise and say, "well u already failed so many times, one more time won't hurt." Dang you tasty fast food. i also feel a lot weaker in the gym. instead of explosiveness and power, it's been sleepy and tired. i used to have more strength and energy. Now i feel like a slug picking up a toothpick. lol.. in a weird way, that kinda makes sense, i think.. but lately, going to the gym has been helping me feel better

spiritually i'm struggling to make time for God. the only moments i really spend time with him is when i hear worship songs, or if i have a long cry session in the shower. If i could jus do one thing right, it'd be to have the right relationship with God by staying deeply rooted in Him. He's the only one who can help me in all areas of my life. He may not magically fix my problems, but he'll walk me through them and offer comfort/peace/strength.

i'm struggling to encourage, pray and be there for others because i feel like my own issues are choking me and consuming my thoughts. i find it strange how ppl who blog, usually blog about themselves or their problems. i'm not saying that it's bad.. but it interesting to see how much we're only concerned with things that happen to us. i guess im jus sayin, sometimes we might talk/think way too much about ourselves, and that we might not have much space to have consideration for others. Sometimes i don't even ask about other people's lives. especially when it comes to my family.It feels selfish to not have the time to call them or to talk to them with patience. i wish i were more relational with them and actually showed some interest in what's goin on in their lives. jus a thought..