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so many random thoughts and emotions. but i find myself not wanting to blog about them. hmm..

it's 1:47am. i kinda jus woke up cuz i slept at 11ish. went to garden buffet with gregs relatives. they had a big party upstairs. so much food and they even had karaoke and a christmas tree in this private room. we all stuffed our faces.

sometimes it feels akward being at a table with people u kinda sorta know, but dont really know. and then, not being able to ask anything about the other person. i mean.. it's easy to joke around with friends we know, but when it comes to adults or to really quiet people.. i jus dont know what to say. ill try to muster up a question, but then it fizzles out so fast.

i met with a christian counselor today in alhambra. so far.. gah. but yeah.. it was kinda eye opening. and for the longest time i thought i wanted to go into marriage and family therapy. like being in my own office and being able to get paid to talk to people and work with there problems. but then i realized that it seems so much more fulfilling to do counseling in the church where they offer it freely. And more issues about God, the Bible, and spirituality come up. uhh but the counselor lady said they only accept psyd/ marriage/family or social work masters degrees, so i couldnt apply for an internship. lookin for a place to intern is kinda freaking me out a little. gotta find a place soon.

I think i'm starting to slowly understand what it means to relate to how others feel. like.. to really walk with them in the midst of their struggles. I think i like counseling because it takes the attention off me, and I can impart compassion by jus my attentive presence. I feel like i can actually offer help to those willing to be vulnerable. I feel like God actually does want to use me to help others explore themselves more.

I'm learning that it's crucial to take care of myself first. When i'm caught up with my own problems, i feel ineffective to offer help and attention. I hafta be careful to not let their problems weigh me down. Sometimes i forget how important family, friends, and the support of community is. Problems tend to arise when we withdraw from healthy relationships. We need to surround ourselves with cheerful and positive ppl so it uplifts us. And empowers us to tend to those hurting.

its 2am, so im not quite sure if i'm jus rambling or even making much sense. i was gonna try avoid talkin about school, but guess i will. why do i even include those statements. guh. anywaaaays.. stay on point chris.. uhh oh yah.. i took a hebrew retake exam, and did fairly well. i actually caught up to where i was supposed to be. but now that i caught up to chapter 12-13, theyre on chapter 17. and im lost again. it felt good to have some hebrew click and make sense.

Today was actually a good day at school. i took a marital counseling exam. and i guess reflecting back, i did learn a few things. people have wrong assumptions and expectations of marriage and what their spouse is supposed to be. we all have home of origin issues. meaning we've observed how things have been done in our family and by our parents, and well not every family is exactly like yours! the class also helped me to see how you can help a husband and wife understand each other. amplifying and clarifying their statements by trying to interpret what their really trying to say. i also bought a few marriage books cuz they actually seem interesting. how much attention do we really give to trying to improve our relationships and communication?

It seems like most ppl look at marriage as finding someone to meet their needs, and to make them happy. Rather, marriage is a model of how Christ loves the church. It's about expressing love through service and sacrifice. It's about working with your sins and growing in holiness. I feel like i have such strong perspectives of marriage. and i told mike today, where in the world do u find a girl who has a deep prayer life, who has inspiring faith, who gives her life to service, and puts God first. and well i know very few, but i guess it made me think, have i been holding to those values myself?

gah i forgot i have a paper due.. but its not till next week. should i do it now at 2am or.. later? hmm
I kinda liked my advanced pastoral care and counseling class. it was interesting to study the deeper issues that ppl struggle with. i can only remember, guilt, victim, rescuer, self-image, role playing, trust, power issues, perfectionist, conforming, and ppl always in crisis. it was cool how our prof unpacked the symptoms, roots and how to help in the issue. but i wish we learned more counseling techniques.. it was kinda nervracting to counseling someone and have someone grade me on everything i did. coulda done better, but oh well.

so yeah. today was kinda good, cuz i feel like i came up for air. ive been drowning, and soon i'll hafta go back down for awhile. but it was refreshing to have a cup of coffee, end class early, talk to fun classmates, empower a friend, breathe in the fresh air, check out 2 book stores, and talk to my old roommate about things. Oh then i went to the gym. and i guess a big dinner was nice too. i'm actually getting more excited about goin home for christmas. having peace is a lot easier when there isn't demanding papers and test. i cant wait to walk around my neighborhood. it's super relaxing to jus stand in awe of God's creation. i also wanna hit the beach, watch movies, and work on things i havnt had the time to do. gah i cant think about hawaii yet, still got 1 more week! gahh hebrew

even though i feel like i fumbled my sermon about peace, it actually helped me more than i thought. how can i have peace in the midst of stress and school work? Peace isn't the absence of problems but the addition of power to meet and overcome those problems. God actually poured into me a lot as i was driving. perhaps worship music helped. Sometimes we get so caught up at whats going wrong, or we feel unhappy about a specific problem, and we focus so much of our attention on the difficulties that we miss God trying to empower and comfort us. im surprised im managing to survive. perhaps trusting God has given me extra strength and perseverance. im glad im not sick with anything.

i wish i remember what i wanted to say, my thoughts jus escape me. i had a dream i was playing mario kart, lol it was fun. i cant remember, must mean that im gettin tired..  i also had a dream my friend poured a bucket of snakes, bugs, spiders on my bed. but i wasnt on my bed. and i was like bro! man, really? and then i hadta pick up little beatles. but i also had lots of laughter in my dreams. i saw 2 really cool dogs today. man they looked so happy.. i wish i had a dog. i kinda miss my cats a little. jus a little white fluffy body, and those big eyes, lol. man.. i gotta worry about christmas shoppin for my family soon. i rather not exchange gifts sometimes.. money would probably be better spent if everyone jus used their money for what they wanted. hmm i guess that's not what christmas is really about though..  yup im rambling, time to go. this is what happens when u blog chris. ahh time for bed