Christmas etc.

warning! loong bloog below..

i haven't had the time to blog since my mom or dad had things planned. Way too many christmas parties. im kinda tired of going out everyday, i jus wanna wake up late n watch cartoons! However, it was nice catching up with family and friends. Even though i haven't really seen my closer friends since ive been too busy. I feel like i haven't had the time to stop and rest.

I was panicking to find last minute gifts. It was kinda stressful. I went to my mom's friends place where they meet every year. And for some reason, even though i've known everyone since i was born, it felt hard to interact with people. I feel awkward when i don't know how to approach or even greet people. I also feel awkward trying to continue a conversation without it dying. Bleh.. sometimes small talk is hard.

Sometimes it's hard to push myself to talk to people. by default my face doesn't cheerfully smile.. so i guess i hafta consciously try to be relational. I really hafta push myself to be a conversationalist sometimes. It's hard to be other's minded, to ask questions and to engage with others. i felt bad cuz at the dinner table, i sat next to my grandma and i just played iphone games.. my default wants to withdraw. I guess im a work in progress. It's kinda hard to love others when we aren't the most social butterflies.

Sometimes we get so distracted by the lights, music, cookies, food, trees and decorations that we completely forget the meaning of Christmas. I went to a christmas eve church service and it was really good. It was jus the simple truth that God loves you and died for our sins. It was the gospel. The truth that we're forgiven in Christ. I even got teary when this lady came up to give her testimony. She got divorce and had to raise her son on her own. She struggled to keep a roof over their head. She became depressed and even struggled with suicidal thoughts. She talked a lot about all her trials and how God became her only hope. And the church community was really able to help her heal and become stronger in her faith. It was just an amazing story of how God really does change, help and save people.

I went to my dad's house for christmas eve and then i went to my moms side of the family for Christmas day. it was great being with family and pigging out.

Playing basketball and goin to UH's basketball game was fun. I really need to hit the gym, swim, surf, hike and play more ball. Physical activities seem to be therapeutic for me. I feel like an old man when my back and body is sore all day. Walk.. sit.. eat.. walk.. sit.. eat.. lie down.. all day..

random note. i went from 153 to 140 in weight. I lost over 10 pounds in like a month or two, cuz of school stress. i feel so darn skinny, yet fat. lol.. i need time for the gym.

I stayed at my moms dental office to get my teeth cleaning. so i stayed in a room for about 8 hours.. watching breaking bad.. oh so intense! but kinda a waste of my day.. what is breaking bad about u ask? Oh it's super funny cuz it's about this old chemist teacher guy who wants to sell drugs to make money. He hangs out with this young guy and it's so funny tryin to watch them cover up their trail.

some of my friends wanna hangout tmrw, but i really dont feel like doin the things they wanna do. I feel like i tend to disagree with things to do or even movies to see. Sometimes people have different ideas of fun. But i guess i should go out cuz i havent hung out with them at all

There's another friend who i recently talked to. And i'm really confused. Sometimes it's really hard to put effort into seeing old friends. Being really close to someone in the past, drifting apart, and then wondering if you can really be close again..

Friday i gotta go eye doctor, saturday gotta help my mom clean up a house in town

I hate when u start blogging and u write about stuff completely irrelevant to what you wanted to say.. no wonder my blogs get so long..

ive been having awesome dreams, but then ive been forgetting them. it kills me to know i go on exciting adventures and then i can even remember what happened. i should invent a dream recorder.. it's funny how we say, "oh i should jus invent a _______" as if it were that easy. i should invent an inventor machine that magically made everything you wanted to invent.

aw i miss church and all the kiddies... :(


I read the back part of a sena, and it talked about Lee Seong-Hye. She won miss korea universe. Her testimony is pretty inspiring. Her parents encouraged her to play violin professionally, but she became highly sensitive to her mistakes, and didn't like being judged for a 5 minute performance on her musical talents. In a sense she learned she was only accepted and approved of when she was perfect. She then pushed herself to get good grades and apply to medical school. She didn't get accepted and she became angry with God. She thought she would be glorifying God by helping others, but deep down she realized it was still for her selfish reasons. She learned that she would pursue what made her happy. And designing clothes and outfits was something that came easy to her. Her dad then encouraged her to try for the miss seoul pageant, and she ended up winning miss korea. Sometimes we pursue things, thinking that our skills, diplomas, education, and careers will make us happy. When truthfully, God wants us to be joyful in the process as well. We are to seek His will, be obedient to His call, and praise Him regardless of how well we're doing or what we're studying.

So even though i'm pursuing school at seminary to do pastoral counseling. it made me ask myself. Who am i becoming in the process? Do i jus see school as a means to get somewhere else? or am i really allowing God to mold me? Even tho we study God, are apart of a ministry and throw around Christian lingual, do we really have a relationship with God? I'm really learning how important it is to take care of ourselves. I really can't share God with others if I don't really walk close with Him myself. I really need to make it a priority to do devotions. To find quiet times to spend talking and listening to God. I guess the discipline makes me treat it more like a task, rather than a joy. God grow my desire to be with you and to receive from you.

Today i was thinking a lot about family. How come i'm pursuing Christian education stuff and most of my family doesnt know God. How come so many members of my family are turned off from hearing about Jesus? Why is God such a tabboo? I guess some people don't want to change. Some are stuck in their beliefs or idols. Some just don't seem to need God in their life. I guess i'm jus sad that there isn't many Christians in my family.

Okay.. so finally.. the stuff i wanted to talk about..
Sometimes i get upset when i miss opportunities. The worst ones are when i sense the Holy Spirit convicting me to say or act and i dont. God was really nudging me to speak into this girls life, but there were other people around, so i decided to hold my tongue. But today God was asking me to pray with this older lady, and i hesitated, but right before we left, i asked if i could pray for her. It was really nice getting the chance to counsel this older lady. It's so hard to not say or give direct possible solutions. I really need to mature in counseling techniques. It's strange how we always ask God to use us. And then when the opportunity reveals itself, I freeze up and bite my tongue. I need to learn to be a little more bold when it comes to leading conversations towards God. We Christians claim to have faith, and yet we dim our lights so we can camouflage in this dark world. Live out your faith, put love into action

this christmas i learned the power of handwritten letters. Even more so, i learned the power of words. Receiving a bunch of cards from church people made me realize how writing a sincere and thoughtful letter can often be the best gift. So i guess now i take my time in writing letters. It's also easier to write things than to say them sometimes. And so often we say our family means so much to us, and yet we never express it.

Dang it's almost new years.. still havent written a blog about my goals. i should look back on 2012's resolutions and see if i actually kept them.. im guessing i didn't since i cant even remember them. if ur a blogger.. write a blog about ur 2013 new year's resolutions! And actually do your best to keep them!