it kinda seemed like i would be leaving forever.. but i know i'll be back to visit often. If u havent noticed, i made it a point to not blog about church stuff. it's easy to get in trouble for sharing honest thoughts about ministry. The only real stress came from not being able to meet my high standards of what i believe a pastor should be like.
Yes, i needed to step down to focus on a counseling internship at another church. But what i didn't mention was that I'm also stepping down because for a while, i've been feeling spiritually inadequate. I stress at not being relational enough, for preparing everything last minute, for not being a great organizer or planner, and i guess i criticize myself a lot. I need to let go of my regrets and disappointments. I jus keep tellin myself, "i wish i did better."
i believe pastors should be spiritually healthy and rested in God. Pastors should be in God's Word and in prayer daily, and i've struggled to do that for way too long. I've been having a hard time slowing down and simply receiving from God. I've been spiritually dry and exhausted for many months. How come it seems we're usually struggling spiritually more often than not? I believe it comes down to not being able to meet with God in daily devotions and maybe a lack of desire to spend time with God. well and the thousand other distractions.
Right now i just need to do less and focus on my personal walk with God, without having any responsibilities of ministry. I felt like i was becoming less and less effective. And maybe a little overwhelmed with the pressure i put on myself to perform and do my best. i mean, if ur gonna preach, u should do it right.. right? and not be winging it by planning a few hours before service. I really don't like to settle for mediocrity. Instead of doing things for God, i first need to focus on being with God. I need to become a student learner again. I need to refine the basics of my faith. I need to work on myself, and allow God to really transform my lifestyle.
I want to come to a point where I desire God more than anything else in life. Where i become obsessed and addicted to being with God. I want to have times where I do nothing but listen to worship music for hours, read scripture, take walks, pray and journal. He is our infinite source of strength, and yet why do i run to other things instead? Why not absorb all this free love he freely gives?
One thing that i relearned in ministry, is the power of relationships. Church should be a loving and warm community of brothers and sisters in Christ. And i am grateful for all the friendships and relationships that we formed at church. I will definitely miss not being able to see everyone every week. I am especially grateful for the leaders who were able to handle so much of the logistics and who were also able to be there for the younger ones. I wish i could have discipled and invested into the college leaders more.
i dunno why my blogs always end up being small preaching moments. it's usually God trying to teach me. so.. note to self..
Make it a point to surround yourself in fellowship, family and community. We're not meant to do this whole Christianity thing by ourselves. Instead of tryin to hold your breath, let God breathe life and abundance in you. Decrease so he can increase. Don't forget the absolute necessity of receiving the fullness of God's love and grace daily.
Practice spiritual disciplines and really make it a point to take your faith more seriously and joyfully. Give up legalistic religion and see that God is really just after your heart. That God really does want to change us and has the power to do so if we trust Him. It's kinda like holding on to God while he gives us a piggyback. We just hafta hold on tight. True worship and awe really does lead to a joyful obedience. Rekindle your first love.
I pray that during this winter break, i'd truly be able to find my ultimate rest in God alone.
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