thoughts

really need to blog out all my thoughts

today i skipped school. sometimes classes jus seem pointless. i feel like all this slackin off is gonna come back and bite me, owell, lol thats future chris's problems.

i remember when i didn't know if u should put an "s" after chris' so i would write christopher's, lol. From what i heard it's correct to put an " 's" even after a single or double "s".  i dont like how i wanna blog about something, and then ur immediate thoughts distract u from what u wanna say.

i went to the gym today. played 3 games of ball and swam. some dudes on the court get so aggressive. geez calm down bro, it's jus a game. Yesterday i benched 115 three times. my goal is to max out and do 225 at least once, since ive never been able to do it.

Didja know if your typing a number between 0-10 (or is it up to 19?)  you're actually supposed to write it out, like "three" instead of "3?" but if it's like 153, you just use numbers. Gosh grammar has so many stinkin rules

i'm eating soup and i was saving my last few cheese-its especially for this occasion. but now they're stale. soup is three times better with tons of crackers.

OK.. freal.. So i went to divorce care at my church. And it's basically a group of people who've been divorced or are going through the process of divorce. It's been really scary to see how bad divorce affects people, especially for those who are parents. I've seen a few divorces within my own family, and it just sucks. I can see why God never enjoys seeing marriages break apart.

Tonight they showed a dvd on singleness and sexuality. It's usually a pretty tough topic to discuss, but after the dvd, it was nice to meet with 7 other older men who got to share the difficulties they faced. In fact, they talked more about the scars of emotional intimacy more than sexual needs and temptations. More than the physical, i think everyone is really looking for someone who they can share they're emotional life with. And beyond that, i think we all need someone who we can share our spiritual lives as well.

I've really been thinkin a lot about the whole concept of dating and marriage a lot. What models of marriage and dating have i seen? What is the biblical model God intends us to have? What are my expectations and intentions? Sometimes i think, dang just having a girlfriend would fill all my relational needs and times of loneliness. However, God has been teaching me to be directed on Him, and how marriage really isn't about tryin to satisfy your own needs to be happy. We put so much weight on someone else to care and love us to make us happy. But shouldn't contentment, joy and satisfaction come from our relationship with God? And i shouldn't our community, brothers and sisters in Christ help fill our relational voids? And if those two areas aren't met, i can see how it's easy to feel alone.

It does suck to have experiences and thoughts but to have no one to really share them with. But God is still teaching me to wait and be patient. I can sense Him working on my character, and teaching me to become more others minded. I can see how God wants me to focus on Him as my main priority. There's so much filth and ugliness that God wants to cleanse in me. I can sense God leading me to a life of greater purity, holiness, and obedience. Even tho i still feel like i make so many dumb mistakes and have a long list of failures. God again reminds me to have grace for my short comings. Sometimes it's hard to receive God's forgiveness when we know we're so jacked up and have selfish/lustful desires.

God is teaching me to be okay with singleness. God is refining and sharpening my view of what marriage should look like and how I should go about the process of future dating. I've crossed some lines in the past that I knew i shouldn't have. God is disciplining me and teaching me to have higher and stricter boundaries when it comes to dating. I feel like i don't want to just settle, and i need to be absolutely sure that I get God's blessing and discernment. If a relationship isn't based on God as the foundation and if Christians aren't evenly yoked, it just doesn't seem right. Marriage is just one of those things that i feel i need to get right, because i would hate to go through a divorce. It's like having one bullet to shoot a deer, and you don't jus wanna waste the bullet hitting a rock. We need to honor God by letting him direct and orchestrate when the time and person is right for us. I guess it takes a lot of patience, discernment and trust in God's sovereignty to wait until God gives you the green light. Running red lights jus never seems to work out well.

My dad asked, if i was interested in anyone. And it's always a little awkward when your parents try to talk to you about those things. I responded, i think my philosophy on dating and marriage has become very narrow. You hafta become picky now days. Do you really wanna rush into something and regret being stuck with someone for the rest of your life? I said, i think my value of marriage has become a lot higher than before that it has made my criteria different. Marriage isn't solely to make each other happy, it's about holiness. It's a picture of how Christ loved the church as his bride. If her faith doesn't inspire and increase my faith, then the relationship seems like jus a distraction. If she isn't willing to do ministry in the church, then we probably aren't meant to be on the same path. Is she a woman of godliness, prayer and have a heart to serve others? I think even christians need to be equally yoked with the same reverence, otherwise it seems like one jus hasta pull the other. It kinda blew my mind when someone said that it's not a 50/50 relationship. it should be a 100/100 relationship.

Although ive met some girls that do have that main component, other factors do come into play too. Sometimes God just says it simply isnt right, and i hafta trust that He knows best. Until then I think God wants all us single people to guard our hearts. i asked myself, would i rather jump into something now knowing it isn't right, or wait however many years until i knew for sure that this is how God intended it to be. Until then, trust God, be patient and work on yourself.

one thing this internship has been reteaching me is the value of being a good listener. I was talked to these two older dudes after the meeting, and they really shared a lot of pain and frustration. A lot of people jus need someone who will listen to their hardships. The pastor asked if i could go do a house visit for someone who cant attend church. This lady just came out of a surgery and i guess they want me to go visit her to see how she's doing. They're also preparing me to how a leader should respond to crisis of a death or hospitalization. I guess this internship is helping me more than i realized. sometimes it can get boring and it makes me think how much more fun youth ministry is.

i think i think too much. i feel like it's becoming harder and harder to be responsible. I can barely wake up and get myself dressed. i feel a little disorganized lately. i have so much school work coming up and it's scary to know that i'm not stressing out when i should be.

One thing has been scaring me. What happens when i graduate? Do i move back to hawaii? Do i stay up here? Do i do a mission trip? Do i apply to work and do a counseling ministry at a church? Do i go for more school in psychology? If i move back to hawaii, how can i just leave all the friendships i made up here? Most of my good buddies moved away from hawaii, it'll feel weird to start all over. I think there is a fear of the unknown, and the risk of not being so close to people i know now. But i guess it's jus somethin i'll have to trust God with. I think i'm getting to caught up worrying about the future, when i can barely function in the present.

I need to work on my prayer life. one dude says he prays out loud even if people think he's crazy. i think i'll try to write out my prayers more. Sometimes my prayers feel so weak and short, if i pray at all. i still think physical exercise helps me to pray. Sometimes i think about God, but don't really talk to him. It's hard to be intentional at setting aside time to do quiet devotions.

God help me to trust you with my future. Heal areas of pain or anxiety in me. help me to be more intentional with the relationships around me. Give me clear discernment and the means to accomplish your will. humble me where there is pride. help me to receive your grace. Help me to slow down. Help to pray for others and to become more compassionate. Help me to become patient when it comes to thoughts of dating or marriage. Comfort me when i feel super bored or lonely. Train me to become a better counselor and listener. Help me to become more bold in my faith. God help me to listen to you in silence and stillness. When i get preoccupied with sinful thoughts i pray that you would lead me to repentance, purity, self control and obedience. Help me to depend on you more.

Responding to Trials

Sometimes it seems God allows us to experience difficult circumstances, trials, and obstacles to see how we'll handle them. It's almost like a test to see if we'll turn to him for help. Sometimes it's to discipline or teach us something. Sometimes God allows trials and suffering to stretch us, to increase our faith and to help us develop perseverance. As hard as things get, God says to simply trust him for help and we'll get through it.

Through these trials, God strengthens us, sanctifies us, reveals our sins, and can purify our hearts. He is gracious and patient with us. He gives us new revelations, insight, and wisdom. He is faithful to offer his presence, comfort and peace. He transforms our hearts, calms our times of anger, changes our perspective, and renews our minds. He calls us to repentance, reconciliation, holiness, and fellowship with him. He calls us to respond in love, even when it seems difficult. He calls us to cling to our faith when we face trials. Everyday is a new opportunity to start fresh, and to change the way we respond to our trials.

no depression?

Lately, I've been super confused. Do you ever not quite know how you feel? You just feel outta place. For a while i thought I was depressed. but I actually went to the therapist, and the intake intern lady said that I probably wasn't depressed because it usually prevents you from getting normal daily task done. I don't have the symptoms of a change in my appetite or sleeping habits. I still have the same amount of energy and can concentrate normally. But then why all these depressed emotions? She said I'm probably just really sad. And i think it's because i feel lonely. One symptom of depression is finding less interest in things. I feel like the only thing that makes me come alive is the gym. the rest of the week jus seems boring or painful.

She mentioned that I really value relationships. And i was like.. uh who doesn't? Isn't community, friends and family important to everyone? She asked if i'm more independent or independent. And I think i still see myself as dependent on others. She also made me realize that i'm kinda becoming more of an extrovert. Mainly because i draw energy from hanging out with people. And i think wanting to share a conversation with someone but not having anyone to really talk to is making me feel like no one is really there. Imagine all the thoughts you have throughout the day, and having no one to really share them with. i guess that's why i write blogs, lol. 

I feel like i'm not ready to grow up. When we were young, it was about having fun, watching movies, playing sports and hanging out. Then we go through all this school, and we're given responsibility. We're forced to focus on our careers, so we can afford to buy things and provide for a family. And somewhere in between we lose touch with old friends. People become busy, they move away, and we slowly lose contact. But i guess that's the norm. And we're always given the opportunity to make new friendships.

I'll be getting my actual therapist next week. It's really nice having someone be a great listener and have them ask you questions about yourself. They really dive deep into how my growing up experience and home of origin affects me today. $20 for an hour half isn't a bad deal. It's also good for me to get experience being counseled. I feel like i over think too much and it gives me too much to say. I jus don't get why i'm feeling so down and empty when there's nothing big going wrong. I wish God and/or therapist would jus magically fix me. I also don't like when the weather is so gray and cloudy. it makes me jus wanna stay in bed and not do anything. no sunlight makes chris sad. and pale.

I stepped down from ministry to give myself more availability to take care of myself, to receive, learn and also to do the internship. However, the internship isn't really what I expected. But if anything, it's encouraging to see how there are a lot of hurting people turning to the care ministry for help. People are desperate to have God heal them in their wounded areas. However, it doesn't really seem like counseling since they mainly just watch a DVD. Anyways, i feel like i have more time, but i'm still not able to take care of myself. Why do I feel like i'm struggling spiritually more times than not? Am i too critical of myself and my expectations? I think i just need to get into the habit of desiring to spend more personal time with God. Sometimes it requires discipline to make that intentional time with Him. I definitely need patience and stillness to wait upon Him.

I bombed my hebrew test, but least the prof will let us do a retake.. I only have 1 day of class this week becuz of mission conference. and then i also have March 28-April 7th off. And i have a feeling that i won't really do anything. I guess that's nothing to complain about. I'm not quite sure what's wrong with me. I don't feel normal, I don't feel happy. The therapist made me realize how i really fear losing friendships. I understand that people are busy and how distance also puts a strain on relationships, but i guess i just fear losing bonds completely. I feel like i spend most of my days alone.

My old roommate was great cuz we could talk for hours and we'd go out to do things often. I like my friend as a roommate now, but I can't spend much time with him since he's always talking to his gf. It feels like only my parents would want to listen to me, but i usually can't share a lot of things with them without them over worrying. Right now i feel like tommy pickles. I need an adventure. but i'm stuck in this darn baby pin called school. But then after school it's jus work for the rest of my life. and if work isn't fulfilling.. then what?

My old friend from junior high has been doing mission trips in cambodia. I really admire people who are willing to devote and give themselves for the sake of blessing others. Sometimes i really wish i could just go out to a third world country to serve others. We easily forget about how wealthy and comfortable we are in america. Some places have so little, and live through such difficult circumstances. But I see my friend giving her life to the people and their culture. I feel like i'm wasting my life right now. But i guess these are the hoops i hafta jump through to become a pastoral counselor. Makes me wonder if i'm even qualified since i struggle with so many things myself. I find it strange how we know relationships are important, and yet we devote most of our time to securing a stable income or career. Sometimes i wish we didn't have to worry about money. it'd make life so much easier. God please help me.