thoughts

really need to blog out all my thoughts

today i skipped school. sometimes classes jus seem pointless. i feel like all this slackin off is gonna come back and bite me, owell, lol thats future chris's problems.

i remember when i didn't know if u should put an "s" after chris' so i would write christopher's, lol. From what i heard it's correct to put an " 's" even after a single or double "s".  i dont like how i wanna blog about something, and then ur immediate thoughts distract u from what u wanna say.

i went to the gym today. played 3 games of ball and swam. some dudes on the court get so aggressive. geez calm down bro, it's jus a game. Yesterday i benched 115 three times. my goal is to max out and do 225 at least once, since ive never been able to do it.

Didja know if your typing a number between 0-10 (or is it up to 19?)  you're actually supposed to write it out, like "three" instead of "3?" but if it's like 153, you just use numbers. Gosh grammar has so many stinkin rules

i'm eating soup and i was saving my last few cheese-its especially for this occasion. but now they're stale. soup is three times better with tons of crackers.

OK.. freal.. So i went to divorce care at my church. And it's basically a group of people who've been divorced or are going through the process of divorce. It's been really scary to see how bad divorce affects people, especially for those who are parents. I've seen a few divorces within my own family, and it just sucks. I can see why God never enjoys seeing marriages break apart.

Tonight they showed a dvd on singleness and sexuality. It's usually a pretty tough topic to discuss, but after the dvd, it was nice to meet with 7 other older men who got to share the difficulties they faced. In fact, they talked more about the scars of emotional intimacy more than sexual needs and temptations. More than the physical, i think everyone is really looking for someone who they can share they're emotional life with. And beyond that, i think we all need someone who we can share our spiritual lives as well.

I've really been thinkin a lot about the whole concept of dating and marriage a lot. What models of marriage and dating have i seen? What is the biblical model God intends us to have? What are my expectations and intentions? Sometimes i think, dang just having a girlfriend would fill all my relational needs and times of loneliness. However, God has been teaching me to be directed on Him, and how marriage really isn't about tryin to satisfy your own needs to be happy. We put so much weight on someone else to care and love us to make us happy. But shouldn't contentment, joy and satisfaction come from our relationship with God? And i shouldn't our community, brothers and sisters in Christ help fill our relational voids? And if those two areas aren't met, i can see how it's easy to feel alone.

It does suck to have experiences and thoughts but to have no one to really share them with. But God is still teaching me to wait and be patient. I can sense Him working on my character, and teaching me to become more others minded. I can see how God wants me to focus on Him as my main priority. There's so much filth and ugliness that God wants to cleanse in me. I can sense God leading me to a life of greater purity, holiness, and obedience. Even tho i still feel like i make so many dumb mistakes and have a long list of failures. God again reminds me to have grace for my short comings. Sometimes it's hard to receive God's forgiveness when we know we're so jacked up and have selfish/lustful desires.

God is teaching me to be okay with singleness. God is refining and sharpening my view of what marriage should look like and how I should go about the process of future dating. I've crossed some lines in the past that I knew i shouldn't have. God is disciplining me and teaching me to have higher and stricter boundaries when it comes to dating. I feel like i don't want to just settle, and i need to be absolutely sure that I get God's blessing and discernment. If a relationship isn't based on God as the foundation and if Christians aren't evenly yoked, it just doesn't seem right. Marriage is just one of those things that i feel i need to get right, because i would hate to go through a divorce. It's like having one bullet to shoot a deer, and you don't jus wanna waste the bullet hitting a rock. We need to honor God by letting him direct and orchestrate when the time and person is right for us. I guess it takes a lot of patience, discernment and trust in God's sovereignty to wait until God gives you the green light. Running red lights jus never seems to work out well.

My dad asked, if i was interested in anyone. And it's always a little awkward when your parents try to talk to you about those things. I responded, i think my philosophy on dating and marriage has become very narrow. You hafta become picky now days. Do you really wanna rush into something and regret being stuck with someone for the rest of your life? I said, i think my value of marriage has become a lot higher than before that it has made my criteria different. Marriage isn't solely to make each other happy, it's about holiness. It's a picture of how Christ loved the church as his bride. If her faith doesn't inspire and increase my faith, then the relationship seems like jus a distraction. If she isn't willing to do ministry in the church, then we probably aren't meant to be on the same path. Is she a woman of godliness, prayer and have a heart to serve others? I think even christians need to be equally yoked with the same reverence, otherwise it seems like one jus hasta pull the other. It kinda blew my mind when someone said that it's not a 50/50 relationship. it should be a 100/100 relationship.

Although ive met some girls that do have that main component, other factors do come into play too. Sometimes God just says it simply isnt right, and i hafta trust that He knows best. Until then I think God wants all us single people to guard our hearts. i asked myself, would i rather jump into something now knowing it isn't right, or wait however many years until i knew for sure that this is how God intended it to be. Until then, trust God, be patient and work on yourself.

one thing this internship has been reteaching me is the value of being a good listener. I was talked to these two older dudes after the meeting, and they really shared a lot of pain and frustration. A lot of people jus need someone who will listen to their hardships. The pastor asked if i could go do a house visit for someone who cant attend church. This lady just came out of a surgery and i guess they want me to go visit her to see how she's doing. They're also preparing me to how a leader should respond to crisis of a death or hospitalization. I guess this internship is helping me more than i realized. sometimes it can get boring and it makes me think how much more fun youth ministry is.

i think i think too much. i feel like it's becoming harder and harder to be responsible. I can barely wake up and get myself dressed. i feel a little disorganized lately. i have so much school work coming up and it's scary to know that i'm not stressing out when i should be.

One thing has been scaring me. What happens when i graduate? Do i move back to hawaii? Do i stay up here? Do i do a mission trip? Do i apply to work and do a counseling ministry at a church? Do i go for more school in psychology? If i move back to hawaii, how can i just leave all the friendships i made up here? Most of my good buddies moved away from hawaii, it'll feel weird to start all over. I think there is a fear of the unknown, and the risk of not being so close to people i know now. But i guess it's jus somethin i'll have to trust God with. I think i'm getting to caught up worrying about the future, when i can barely function in the present.

I need to work on my prayer life. one dude says he prays out loud even if people think he's crazy. i think i'll try to write out my prayers more. Sometimes my prayers feel so weak and short, if i pray at all. i still think physical exercise helps me to pray. Sometimes i think about God, but don't really talk to him. It's hard to be intentional at setting aside time to do quiet devotions.

God help me to trust you with my future. Heal areas of pain or anxiety in me. help me to be more intentional with the relationships around me. Give me clear discernment and the means to accomplish your will. humble me where there is pride. help me to receive your grace. Help me to slow down. Help to pray for others and to become more compassionate. Help me to become patient when it comes to thoughts of dating or marriage. Comfort me when i feel super bored or lonely. Train me to become a better counselor and listener. Help me to become more bold in my faith. God help me to listen to you in silence and stillness. When i get preoccupied with sinful thoughts i pray that you would lead me to repentance, purity, self control and obedience. Help me to depend on you more.