no depression?

Lately, I've been super confused. Do you ever not quite know how you feel? You just feel outta place. For a while i thought I was depressed. but I actually went to the therapist, and the intake intern lady said that I probably wasn't depressed because it usually prevents you from getting normal daily task done. I don't have the symptoms of a change in my appetite or sleeping habits. I still have the same amount of energy and can concentrate normally. But then why all these depressed emotions? She said I'm probably just really sad. And i think it's because i feel lonely. One symptom of depression is finding less interest in things. I feel like the only thing that makes me come alive is the gym. the rest of the week jus seems boring or painful.

She mentioned that I really value relationships. And i was like.. uh who doesn't? Isn't community, friends and family important to everyone? She asked if i'm more independent or independent. And I think i still see myself as dependent on others. She also made me realize that i'm kinda becoming more of an extrovert. Mainly because i draw energy from hanging out with people. And i think wanting to share a conversation with someone but not having anyone to really talk to is making me feel like no one is really there. Imagine all the thoughts you have throughout the day, and having no one to really share them with. i guess that's why i write blogs, lol. 

I feel like i'm not ready to grow up. When we were young, it was about having fun, watching movies, playing sports and hanging out. Then we go through all this school, and we're given responsibility. We're forced to focus on our careers, so we can afford to buy things and provide for a family. And somewhere in between we lose touch with old friends. People become busy, they move away, and we slowly lose contact. But i guess that's the norm. And we're always given the opportunity to make new friendships.

I'll be getting my actual therapist next week. It's really nice having someone be a great listener and have them ask you questions about yourself. They really dive deep into how my growing up experience and home of origin affects me today. $20 for an hour half isn't a bad deal. It's also good for me to get experience being counseled. I feel like i over think too much and it gives me too much to say. I jus don't get why i'm feeling so down and empty when there's nothing big going wrong. I wish God and/or therapist would jus magically fix me. I also don't like when the weather is so gray and cloudy. it makes me jus wanna stay in bed and not do anything. no sunlight makes chris sad. and pale.

I stepped down from ministry to give myself more availability to take care of myself, to receive, learn and also to do the internship. However, the internship isn't really what I expected. But if anything, it's encouraging to see how there are a lot of hurting people turning to the care ministry for help. People are desperate to have God heal them in their wounded areas. However, it doesn't really seem like counseling since they mainly just watch a DVD. Anyways, i feel like i have more time, but i'm still not able to take care of myself. Why do I feel like i'm struggling spiritually more times than not? Am i too critical of myself and my expectations? I think i just need to get into the habit of desiring to spend more personal time with God. Sometimes it requires discipline to make that intentional time with Him. I definitely need patience and stillness to wait upon Him.

I bombed my hebrew test, but least the prof will let us do a retake.. I only have 1 day of class this week becuz of mission conference. and then i also have March 28-April 7th off. And i have a feeling that i won't really do anything. I guess that's nothing to complain about. I'm not quite sure what's wrong with me. I don't feel normal, I don't feel happy. The therapist made me realize how i really fear losing friendships. I understand that people are busy and how distance also puts a strain on relationships, but i guess i just fear losing bonds completely. I feel like i spend most of my days alone.

My old roommate was great cuz we could talk for hours and we'd go out to do things often. I like my friend as a roommate now, but I can't spend much time with him since he's always talking to his gf. It feels like only my parents would want to listen to me, but i usually can't share a lot of things with them without them over worrying. Right now i feel like tommy pickles. I need an adventure. but i'm stuck in this darn baby pin called school. But then after school it's jus work for the rest of my life. and if work isn't fulfilling.. then what?

My old friend from junior high has been doing mission trips in cambodia. I really admire people who are willing to devote and give themselves for the sake of blessing others. Sometimes i really wish i could just go out to a third world country to serve others. We easily forget about how wealthy and comfortable we are in america. Some places have so little, and live through such difficult circumstances. But I see my friend giving her life to the people and their culture. I feel like i'm wasting my life right now. But i guess these are the hoops i hafta jump through to become a pastoral counselor. Makes me wonder if i'm even qualified since i struggle with so many things myself. I find it strange how we know relationships are important, and yet we devote most of our time to securing a stable income or career. Sometimes i wish we didn't have to worry about money. it'd make life so much easier. God please help me.