Thursday, September 19, 2013

Knots

Have you ever made a stupid mistake that you can't seem to forgive yourself of? Maybe a bunch of stupid mistakes. Maybe these mistakes affected others and hurt those you cared for the most. I'm filled with guilt and regret. And anger towards myself for my decisions. No matter how much i repent, i don't see how i could ever receive forgiveness and grace. I wish i could wake up and realize it was all just a bad dream and had another chance to make things right. I don't see how we're supposed to just simply move on. Is that really the answer? As difficult as it is to untie knots, eventually they can become untangled and resolved right? I learned that trying to immediately fix things sometimes makes the knot even worst. Maybe it takes waiting for someone else to help.


I think i fear losing friendships. i think i always have. i fear i've already lost some. My dad said, fight for those you want to keep in your life. Put effort into those who you consider good friends. But what if i value their friendship more than they value mine? What if they don't want to fight for a friendship or resolve an issue. My heart hurts so much. Somedays i wake up and go to sleep with my heart hurting like crazy. God please heal all the pain. Please make things better. restore the things i broke. God help me to trust you, remind me that you're always there, sovereign and in control. help me to be okay even if things aren't the way i'd want them to be. help me to let go and to prioritize you first. God please.. please heal.. help me to be better, and be stronger in you.


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i think I've been studying up on contentment, friendship and community because those are things i lack.  Even if we aren't satisfied with our circumstances, is it possible to still be content in God's goodness? I've been sick this week. And it sucks because i can't go to the gym. but maybe God is reminding me that I'm pretty weak and that i need to rely on him regardless.

Would you rather have physical or emotional pain? I think i'd take the former. However i'd really prefer neither. Both types of suffering are hard to endure. sometimes sleep seems like the only way to avoid the pain. i don't know what i complain about, maybe I'm jus ungrateful. Why do i find myself being so negative all the time? I see the muggy grey sky and cold weather rather than a new day of life. how did i get this way. God please take my pain away. restore me.

1 comment:

lbsayshi said...

I feel that way all the time. I lay awake at night full of regret and shame. That's the devil's way of hindering us from moving forward. I'm not suggesting "getting over it" or "forgetting about the situation," but merely forgiving yourself in order to be useful for God. He cannot use you or work within you if you are full of self pity. Help yourself so that you are able to help others. I need to practice that. Keep your spirits up!