i love this kid

isaac:  i worry about my future

me:     why?

isaac:  what if i don't get a good job or make enough money..

me:     you're in fourth grade!

isaac:  are aliens real?

me:     i don't know

isaac:  cuz if they are, whoa! God makes crazy stuff

isaac:  i don't think i can eat breakfast tomorrow

me:     why?

isaac:  because i can't remember my memory verse

augustine:  look out for the ghost under your bed

isaac:  i don't believe in ghost, i only believe in the Holy Spirit

regarding the obedience retreat, i think my thoughts, feelings, and worries were still a distraction. I gave a short sermon on Romans 5:18-19 and it reminded me that God's grace and double imputation is what makes us righteous. My self-righteous works don't earn or make me become righteous, it is the blood and sacrifice of Christ. My other sermon was on Revelation 5. Read that chapter. it really sticks out to me. It's about how worthy the Lamb is because he was able to purchase us from a bondage and slavery of sin. He is worthy of all glory, honor and praise. i sorta miss teaching. it makes me meditate and internalize scripture more.

playing a bunch of games, laughing and eating together brought a sense of joy that i miss. it's rejuvenating to spend time with christian brothers and sisters. and i think i find fulfillment in ministering and offering care to others. Just being with people breathes health into me. over the last weekend i thought a lot about the virtue of humility. We can all be very selfish and overly self centered with how we'd like things to be. love isn't self seeking, it puts the interest of others before one's self. and i guess that's a virtue i'd like to improve in.

In regards to leaving CA and moving back to HI soon, i've had a lot of fears of losing friendships here.  i guess i realized that some friendships are given for certain seasons. friends worth fighting for can become life long friends. but that requires communication, love and mutual commitment. i pray that even tho i move away, ill still be considered a close friend to those who care. i'm also reminded that we all have the ability to make new friends. Sometimes I'm too selective with who i want to take the initiative to reach out to. maybe we all play a sort of favoritism with people we connect with better. Sometimes we make a short list of only a few ppl that we really care about. but God calls us to step out of our comfort zone and engage in fostering new friendships as well. it doesn't matter who's sitting next to you, foster relationship. change in moving can be a little scary since i still dunno what ill do for work, but I'm starting to worry a lot less because i know God will place me where i need to be when the time is right.

what i learned from last 4 years / 2014 Resolves

New Years Resolutions
- spend more intentional time with God
- be a better friend
- read entire bible
- be homeless for at least a day
- find work
- read more
- floss more
- draw more
- gain 20 pounds to hit 165
- workout like crazy
- back up everything on dropbox
- grow in character and virtues
- get a better sleep schedule

Even if i don't accomplish all my goals, i hope to at least move in the right direction.. eventually small steps everyday turn into miles of growth

_____
so i guess I've been waiting to finish seminary after 4 years. and 4 years is considered relatively fast for master of divinity. but i wish i didn't rush through it, and spent more time in ministry. there was quite a bit of suffering. and i guess that's part of the process. i remember wanting to quit so badly after 3 greek courses. but God definitely pulled me through it. I'm glad I'm done with school. i hope there's no more. in the future i may still consider doing a masters in Marriage/Family Therapy or Masters of Social Work. But just not right away. i jus wanna work. I'm not sure what to do with myself with all my time. I've been jus watching movies in bed since I've been sick for the last 2 weeks. i guess i should jus pack up my stuff to ship to hawaii, sell my car, meet with as many ppl as i can, move back and look for jobs.  i got no energy to do any of those things.

I'm not saying i did all these things well on this list, but its just things i'd like to focus on.
anyways so what i learned...

Thoughts on Friendship IV

watched Frozen the Disney movie. I liked it because it addressed a false ideology of how all you need is romantic love to be happy. The main character anna, meets a guy and they stare into each other's eyes for a while. The next thing you know their singing a song. She says, nobody wants to be alone. The guy then proposes to her and they get engaged after knowing each other for less than a day. So she thinks she's in true love. But then the story unravels to show that they obviously aren't meant to be and she doesn't even know his last name. Spoiler! Instead she finds love in the relationship of her sister. The sister the ice queen is afraid of relationships because she's afraid of hurting others. but in the end the sister sees the consequences of withdrawing from her sister and being consumed with fear. She's able to conquer her fears by trusting in this relational sibling love with her younger sister. Maybe I'm jus over analyzing it.

Quick question, if you could choose or determine the sex of your child would you want to? Like isn't playin with your offspring's genetics like cheating God's unique design? But then, what if they had a genetic disorder? I can't believe biotechnology can actually choose what eye, hair color, etc your child can have. i get off subject sometimes..

I recently connected with an old friend i haven't talked to in like 6-7 years or so. We used to be pretty close back then. And it was comforting that even after all this time we can still just go back to where we left off, and how even tho we haven't talked in years, we're still friends who can hangout.

One of my professors said we need to surround ourselves with at least 12 people. He gave this profound analogy of a clock. He says, the top three numbers are your mentors or people you look up to. The bottom three numbers are those you take care of our mentor. The six numbers on the side represent your peers. Of course we can have more numbers/friends, but he recommended that we should strive towards having a full clock. I responded, i feel like i have a numberless clock and i don't know what time it is. It's weird how coming of age comes with losing and gaining batches of friends. Some seasons we'll find ourselves lonely. Others we'll find ourselves in strong community. It seems like when we're younger, friendships sorta happen organically and easily. But as we get older, I see that close friendships take intentionality.

Sometimes we get close with some friends and forget to keep a balance. We forget that it's not always eight o'clock and that we need other people around us instead of jus one or two. lol do i sound confusing? One person can't fulfill your entire clock. I think not growing up with any siblings made me unconsciously look to care for younger brothers and sisters in the church. The Frozen movie got it right that no one wants to be alone, and that we all need to surround ourselves with healthy relationships built on trust and respect. And i guess the first step to making new friends is being a good friend to others. I guess I'm still in the process of letting God fix my broken clock.

when you think about it, most animals are also very social. Sometimes i think cats are a little antisocial. i wish i had a dog. one that doesn't bark or stink too much. i was jus thinking, it would suck to be a dog and hafta stay home all day tied up or in a boring room with no one to play with. and then u can only run around when ur master takes ya out for a walk. I was jus thinking if animals sometimes feel lonely. I think if i ever got a dog, i'd need to get at least 2 so they could be friends.

being sick sucks cuz u can't go to the gym. u lose ur appetite. u cough uncontrolablly. u hafta go doctors. u hafta take a bunch of pills. u feel weak and drowsy all the time. u get a stuffy nose.

man im not used to cold weather. in hawaii u never hafta sleep in a hoodie. or use chapstick.

my uncle, aunt and cousin are coming up, and my cousin is.. 4 or maybe 5? we're taking her to disney land this week. Disneyland can be exhausting with a little one.

Thoughts on Friendship III

To help us gain the relational and emotional skills we need for engaging in a closer relationship with him, God offers a school of love through experiences with our human friendships. Not only are human friendships a joy in and of themselves, they are also an essential means to deepen the most important relationship we can ever have, our friendship with God. Our intimate relationships with others, brothers and sisters, spouses, friends, are actually more essential to Christian living than we may have previously thought.

Contentment

Supernatural contentment, much like Aquinas's "infused virtues," is rooted in the infinite goodness of God. Having one's ultimate desires fulfilled in the goodness of God is infinitely valuable and, at least on some views, unceasingly constant. If one begins to realize, appreciate, and internalize this greatest good, contentment in whatever circumstances would follow - even in circumstances in which there are little, if any, other satisfied desires. This realization, appreciation, and internalization is not just a cognitive process, but involves an in-depth experience and appropriation of the reality of God's goodness in one's life.

Even if we're not satisfied with how things are, we can be content because God is good.

Spiritual Emotions - R. Roberts
Being Good; Christian Virtues for Everyday Life - Austin & Geivett / S. Porter

"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength." -Philippians 4:11-13

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want
He makes me lie down in green pastures
He leads me beside quiet waters
He restores my soul Ps 23

Praying in Confidence

What is it that I believe in? Nay, rather who is it that I believe in? I believe in my God. Not only that he exists, but that he is a loving, gracious, and merciful God. He is a sovereign, faithful and holy God. He is always in control. God is supreme over the heavens, all the nations of the earth and the entire universe. Therefore, God can also heal our brokenness, our relationships and restore our souls.