Popo

My Popo was taken by the ambulance a few days ago because she has heart and breathing problems. She's had heart issues for years and for the past few months has shown short-term memory loss. She's been to the hospital many times before and they usually release her after a few days. We've had a handful of scares before, but she always seemed to recover and get better. She had a few surgeries and even had a heart pacer.

I remember when my grandpa passed away it was really hard on my mom. I never really knew my dad's parents because they passed away at a young age. So my popo on my mom's side was really the only grandparent i grew up knowing.

My uncle was with my grandma earlier this morning and said she was doing fine and being her talkative self. But sometime in the afternoon she took a turn for the worst and wasn't responding to anything anymore. She had no normal functioning because her body and mind were shutting down. The doctors said, "It's only a matter of time and that she's too weak to do any surgery." I rushed to the hospital and my mom and two uncles were already there. When i arrived she was able to open an eye and acknowledge that I was there. Her fingers would also squeeze mine too. But she wasn't able to talk or really move. I got to say some last rites through prayer. So it was good to say everything i needed to. My uncle then confessed to popo that he started a fire alarm when he was younger lol.

She used to watch me when i was young. I used to build pillow forts at her house and play with these really old yet fun toys. I remember I used to climb on a tree in her yard. She used to feed me ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner cuz i was so stubborn to eat anything else lol. She was a travel agent and traveled to over a hundred different countries. I remember going to Europe, China and the Bahamas with her. She lived to travel. She was very knowledgeable and was also willing to share interesting facts about history and culture. She loved reading and learning. She was social, had a strong work ethic and was always very thoughtful. She would always be concerned about others and give graciously to the less fortunate. As a word of advice, she would say, "One good investment, is worth a lifetime of labor." And she'd say "But one bad investment can make you go broke."

She also would take classes at UH even when i was going to college there and she would go to just learn and listen to lectures. She would also always invite us over for dinner and that would bring the family together. She never wasted food and always shared her love by giving gifts to people. She would force us to take food even when we didn't really want it lol. She also made the best jook. oh man it was good.

I remember she would try to tell a joke she heard and would completely forget how to tell it right lol. Something about how a guy had long hair, and his excuse was cuz Jesus had long hair, and his dad said, "Yeah well until you walk on water, cut your hair." She was someone who appreciated even the small things in life. She really appreciated art, history and different cultures. She would also be persistent at trying to get me to use her handicap parking pass. She would carry her cane and never really use it. Popo had such a great smile and laugh too, it was contagious. I remember one time she smashed a cockroach with her bare foot. i was like.. danng, that's super gross! Growing up some family would call me toph or tophi bucket and she would either call me honey bunny or more commonly "tofi." Sometimes i would give her a phone call and she'd answer who's this? I would say "Chris", she's like, "Who??" Then i'd say, "Tofi," Then she's like, "Ohh Tofi!" lol

More family members came in the hospital room and the nurse checked her heartbeat and pulse. She said that it got a lot weaker and her breaths were getting more and more shallow. The reality of having my popo leave started to really hit me. We all kind of knew it would happen one day, but for some reason i just didn't feel ready for this.

Our family then held hands and my uncle began to say a prayer again. My other uncle would grab my popo and say, "Mom! Mom!?" and she wouldn't respond. I was holding her hand hoping she would lightly squeeze my fingers like before. Everyone including myself started to cry. I looked up in the middle of prayer to look at my popo, she would take a very small faint breath. But the second time i looked up, i didn't see her breathing anymore. The nurse then interrupted and said she needs to listen with a stethoscope, and my uncle who's a doctor also said he couldn't feel a pulse.

At 5:45pm she passed away at the age of 88. I felt this sinking feeling because this was all too real. Someone i knew my whole life was no longer with us. it was like a candle flame slowly fading off. Some were trying to focus on celebrating her life, but for me at that moment it was too soon and that didn't help. everyone started to grieve in their different ways. We all began to hurt together. It was strange seeing family members break down in tears, it's just something i've never seen. It was painful. I needed to leave the room since i still couldn't believe it just happened like that all of a sudden. I was still in shock trying to process what just happened. Besides sad and confused i felt kind of angry. I had a hard time controlling my emotions, i wanted to throw the cup i was holding. i wasn't angry at God, cuz i know he'll take care of her, i honestly do hope and pray that she went to heaven because we were all very unsure about it.. I was just angry at sin and death. i dont think ur ever really ready to lose someone.. We all thought she would bounce back and keep going like she normally does. Even tho it was expected it still felt unexpected. It hurts losing a loved one. Part of me still refuses to accept that she's really gone.

Interestingly a few people ive talked to say that she's still with us. And i know what they mean, but its jus not the same. My mom says she still talks to her. Someone mentioned, that they are like ghost that live within us. And altho i understand what they're sayin, i still want to physically see the person and not just hold on to memories. also.. when someone passes away, it makes you wonder if you really did all that you could to spend time with that person and to be there for them. I think i definitely coulda been a better grandson. Sometimes my mom would ask to go visit her and i'd selfishly wanted to do my own things. I know i spent time with her, but it's hard to have no regrets at all.

In the positive light, the immediate family was all there, she wasn't in any pain and she got to go peacefully. I think this is probably the best way she wanted to go. I'm definitely gonna miss her. I'm glad that i did get to spend time with her in these past few years. My aunt is gonna fly in tomorrow to stay with us and help clean up her apartment. She literally has thousands of old magazines and newspapers. In a few days they'll have a burial for her. She didn't want a big formal funeral. She lived a long full life and I think she was ready to go. I pray that she's in God's care now and that we'll all be able to see her when it's our time to leave as well. Goodbye Popo, take care. you were the best. we'll miss you a lot.