There's been a lot on my mind lately. And since i'm going into the counseling field, i figured it'd be a good idea to go see a therapist. Ive seen about 4 christian counselors before, and its always been nice to unload my mind. There's an old stigma that you must be very mentally ill to see a therapist. But i think counseling can be very beneficial to everyone. I met with this counselor twice before over a year ago. Shes like a wise Chinese oracle that just says the things you need to hear. I like that she combines psychology with Christian theology and acknowledges how our spiritual walk with God affects us. It's nice to have someone just listen and focus on trying to help you become better.
The great thing about talking to a therapist is that they're held to strict confidentiality, and you can be honest with them and yourself. You don't need to really hide guilt and shame for your mistakes. They try to approach things with care and understanding rather than judgement. And in a way, i think this is what makes God so great too. We can confess sins and receive forgiveness, knowing that God loves us anyway regardless of how many times we screwed up.
To be quite honest, i feel like i've been distant from God and been trying to do things on my own. Sometimes God purposely takes a step back and waits for us. He's been waiting a while, lol. I usually feel like a bad christian since i don't do a lot of christian things. And i think it's fairly common for Christians to feel like they aren't good enough Christians. But in reality, it's never been about how good, religious or churchy we are. It's not about all that we do, it's about what he's done. It's not about how devout or pious we've been, it's not about if we've done a bunch of good works, it's about God rescuing us from our sins and how good He is.
Anywaaays, i feel like i relearned a lot about myself. I went in talking to my therapist counselor oracle lady about how i've been pretty discontent with where i'm at. I'm not who i want to be or where i want to be. I see a big difference in who I'd like to be and who i really am. I think i had a picture and ideals of who and where I'd like to be by now, and I didn't meet up to my expectations. I envisioned and fantasized a different life and future. Maybe i over romanticize having a different life. Do you ever imagine a parallel universe world where things were different? At 28, it'd be nice to have a successful career, my own place, and in a relationship that's headed towards marriage...and also an awesome dog! There's a lot of things i don't have and i need to learn to be okay with that. There's still time to work towards those things. At 28 i should be a fully responsible and high functioning adult right? Then why do i still feel so childish?
One of the things that im disappointed at is that i finished seminary and didn't become a pastor at a church somewhere. The majority of people who complete seminary become a pastor. Part of me feels fully capable, while part of me feels like i'm just not that spiritual and God-centered enough. Sure i know theology and ministry stuff but maybe my walk with God just isn't that great. And at least for now i think counseling might be a better route to help people.
I want to find my best-self, a stronger self, a healthier and happier chris that I know i can be. some rare days, i think i found my best self, and im full of energy. but lately ive been kind of a grouch. I want to live fully, to thrive, to flourish and to live to my potential. I want to achieve my goals, improve myself, be confident in myself and be proud of myself. Instead, i feel like i lack self-control and self-discipline to achieve my goals. I allow discouragement, stress, anger, self-criticism, laziness, loneliness, pessimism, perfectionism, helplessness, and depressing moods to defeat and overwhelm myself. I end up doubting myself. I basically stumble over my negative thinking, and allow that to dictate how i feel. I catch myself dwelling about the past, or worrying about the future rather than living in the present. I worry about finical problems, career issues, social anxieties, and all the pressure and expectations i have on myself to perform, to succeed, and to be who i would like to be.
Instead of focusing too much on my problems, complaints, insecurities, mistakes, and the things that I lack, i need to focus on being more grateful for all the good things i do have in my life.
This therapist asked, "Where do you put your self-worth?" And that reminded me that ive been swayed by our culture, of who we're told to be, what's considered desirable and successful. I've critiqued myself with how i compare to others, ive put my self-worth by how the world measures and not how God sees me. i am a child of God, fully and completely loved by him. It's important to love ourselves, but i forgot how much more important it is to embrace and be filled by God's love for us. God is fully loving on us this very second and we don't even stop to notice it. It is his love that fuels and empowers us to love ourselves and others. Instead of looking through my own lens, i should be seeing through God's perspective of how he sees me. Regardless of my own wants, needs, and feelings, what are his desires for me? What is God doing in this season of my life?
Perhaps we are exactly where we're meant to be, perhaps God wants to charge my low battery, perhaps he wants to renew and refresh my mind and transform my way of thinking. The therapist mentioned Philippians 4:6-9
She quoted, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
She then said, Paul tells us how we should think and what we should think about. "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things."
This changes our mindset to all the good things that God is doing in our life. it changes how we perceive our problems, knowing that God is there guiding us through them.
One of my problems is that i overthink and internalize a lot. Shocking right?! I have a very bad negative self-talk. We're actually predisposed to negative thinking, and that's something i need to fight against. Most of us are more wired to look at all the things that are wrong rather than all the things that are right. Try going a day without focusing on negative thoughts and only thinking positively. And then tell me what it's like, lol.
Animals have a lot less stress because they don't internalize all the stress like how we do. we need to relax and let go of all the worries that burden us. I wonder if animals care what other animals think about them. probably not. I think we try too hard to make sure people like us. We think too much about how others might perceive us. who cares.. lol
I need to work on emptying and stilling my mind. i need to manage and control my thoughts. One of the best ways to do that is to exercise. I always feel much better after physical exercise. it releases all that stress and build up we carry around. No matter what i'm going through, a good workout makes me feel so much better. Accomplishing things within our control, reminds us that we do have the power to change and grow if we put in the effort.
I also picked up doing some slow breathing techniques that also help me empty my mind. You basically just close your eyes and concentrate on taking deep breaths. We get easily burnt out and tired because we don't take enough time to slow down and rest. Stop for a second and just take a deep breath. For some reason, being more fully aware of the present can often give us a deeper sense of peace and happiness. Enjoy where you are in the present, and find satisfaction even in the littlest of things.
One of the main reasons I blog is so that I can empty my thoughts and turn my head off. Sometimes I hafta consciously catch myself overthinking. Sometimes I hafta consciously tell myself to look at a situation in a different perspective. It's easy to feel hopeless, helpless, and powerless when you're in a painful or stressful situation that you can't control. But if there's really nothing we can do, we have to learn to accept and live with how things are. Even in a tough situation there's still reason to praise God. Instead of falling into despair and negative thinking, we have to train our minds to focus on the positives and the goodness in our life.
Our holistic health is all interrelated. the spiritual, physical, emotional, mental, and relational are all connected. Deteriorating in one of these areas can and probably will affect the others. But beyond just making healthier habits and choices, we need to rely on the love of God. This is the key! Our self-worth and identity are in him. We are fully loved and accepted by him, just as we are and not how we should be. And it is in Him where we find peace and joy. mkaybye
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