You ever stop whatever you're doing and realize, wow i just need to take a moment to do nothing. And then while doing nothing, you automatically start to think, and then while thinking you realize.. I really need to talk to God, and come before Him.
Like.. i realized I go through most of my day preoccupied. And for some reason I feel so distracted from what's truly important. I feel like i've been absent from communicating with God. I feel like i've drifted away concerned about work, or hobbies, and all sorts of random things. And then i realized how much I block out the things that make me feel hurt or down.
I guess i try to handle pain by not dwelling on it. And although that can sometimes work, it really doesn't address it. It's not surrendering everything to God. And tbh God hasn't been the center of my life lately. And it's probably why i haven't felt very confident to really encourage and draw others closer to God. It's because i've been trying to live life on my own strength. Somewhere down the line I grew numb, and days, weeks go by, and you realize dang I haven't really been making my walk with God a priority.
It's easy to lose focus. And then fill up your day with responsibilities or leisure activities. and then before you know it, you begin to feel very far from God. So my favorite old roommate called me and told me that he's getting married in October and wants me to fly up to California. And it's really exciting to hear my buddy is getting married. But I think it also made me realize that, i'm still single. and not even close to this idea of marriage. And then I really started thinking about what a godly marriage looks like, and how I see so much goodness and happiness in my roommate's relationship. And how they strive to honor God, and how their faith together is just really amazing. And idk, i guess it made me think.. wow i don't have that in my life. I think deep down, singleness really hurts me. And makes me wonder why I haven't found my other half. and makes me wonder what God's plans are for me
my other close friend came to visit and he's married and has a daughter. and like not to compare.. but like.. i feel like such a late bloomer. social media is filled with happy couples and their kids. And i'm at home just playing pokemon. and idk.. i usually hate talking about this subject, which is why i never want to talk about it.. but i think this is kinda the source of a lot of my depression. And I'd say 95% of the week, i'm generally in a decent mood, but that 5% of feeling lonely and empty just really sucks.
And so, i guess. the point of this blog was to say that, regardless of the issues, I really need to just give it all to God, and realize that he is my joy. And i need to surrender myself and get out of my way. Regardless of if i'm single or not, God deserves my utmost praise. and i really just need to do better. And God's love is unconditional even if i suck at life sometimes. but i guess it makes me think, how much God loves when we intentionally do give all of ourselves to him, even if for a moment. To just cry out and say, God I trust you, God I need you, God draw me closer, God help me to long for you and be desperate for you even when I don't feel like it, help me to change and grow, help me to deny myself, I want you more in my life.
ugh, u ever feel like you're just floating. i guess its better than drowning. and i know im moving in a direction towards my goals, but at the same time.. i feel like i long for more. and idk maybe just feeling a little tired of routine. work is so busy, in a way it keeps me on my toes and making sure im on top of things. in a way staying super busy gives u no time to overthink and psychoanalyze things. i guess i havent done much introspection lately, but the second i did, i realized how i really don't pray or include God in my daily life and that I don't really intentionally come before God. And yet God is always right there with me.
I think the chris i see, the chris that i want to be, is very happy. is confident. is responsible, cares for others, is a leader, doesnt doubt himself and is decisive, and is very driven. The chris i want to be is the one who humbles himself before God and fills himself with God wherever he goes. And i don't feel like im at that place. i often feel defeated, discouraged, confused, pessimistic, down, depressed, tired and jus broken. and so.. how can I get i move from where i am, to this better or best version of myself? And i think the answer really is quite simple. it's just coming before God and receiving his love, everything after that just seems to follow.
God remove the distractions from my mind and heart. May you be my main focus in life. God help me to not care what others think, help me to get out of my own way so i can give you my everything. Fill me with your love Father. Fill me with your joy.
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