Lately i've been praying like how my roommate prays..

God...
If you can hear me..
...
...
HEEEELP!!
...
...
Amen.

Awakening

A relationship with God shouldn't be a chore or something we force ourselves to do. being with God should be a joy. We should catch ourselves being captivated by God. We should find ourselves staring at the beauty of his glory. It's kinda like when you're swept away by the warmth of the sun or the beauty of the sky.

As Christians, our faith needs to be loud and explosive. Our joy for God should attract the interest of others. Our default mode needs to be a heart of worship and a cheerful excitement of praise. God is not good sometimes or every now and then. God is good all the time. Sometimes we become numb and completely miss this deep deep love he has for us. We get tangled in sin, distracted by idols and our own desires.

As Christians we need to practice an attitude of stillness. A heart that waits and faints for God. We need to set aside all our worries, burdens and anxieties and simply trust that God is in charge. Sometimes he purposely allows us to endure trials for our strengthening. He purposely allows us to experience difficult things in life if that's what it takes for us to draw close to him. I think God has been giving me a wake up call. A wake up call towards maturity, self-discipline, balance, worship, boldness, righteousness, and an intimacy with him. It's not about doing things perfectly. It's about being in love with God. Obedience then joyfully follows.

Lastly, the christian walk is not meant to be done alone. We need to be invested in community. We're not just created to have a relationship with God, but also with others. i guess instead of isolating ourselves from God and others, we need to be more intentional about making time to be with others. The only way to give, serve, and worship is by first receiving from God. Fill up, then pour out.

"Expect great things from God.
Attempt great things for God."
-William Carey

Courage

i want to be a risk taker. I've played it safe my entire life. I don't like to take the chance of something going wrong. I've seen people live in full devotion to God, regardless of how uncomfortable or difficult the circumstances may be. Perhaps fear holds me back. It's easier to not live for God. It's easier not to be bold or courageous. It's easier not to take the initiative to say or do something to serve and bless someone. I feel like i hold myself back. I crave an adventure led by faith, and yet my laziness keeps saying to stay inside, under the blankets and watch tv. My sinful flesh says "live for yourself, it's easy, fun and safe. Don't do anything drastic or crazy for God." I don't want to conform to the world, and get caught up with distractions. Why do i exchange temporal pleasures and values for those that are eternal? Why do i get so caught up with just the physical delights?

My pursuit of righteousness has somehow turned into a lust of unrighteousness. I feel myself slowly spiraling, a little further from God than the last. Fellowship is always great and encouraging, but perhaps i need more peer sharpening. I need someone to pour into me, stretch and challenge me. Sure, seminary offers theological training in the knowledge of proposition (head knowledge). However, i feel like my knowledge of acquaintance (heart knowledge), has been dwindling. I haven't been pursuing a deep intimacy with God as i once used to.

Have you ever gone a few days of just going through the motions? What about weeks? Months? Things become routine. I used to experience God a little more personally. In fact, God always seemed extremely explosive. time didn't seem to matter. He would speak and communicate His truths through some sort of revelation. I would be able to sense His presence and love. I could sense His Spirit, see visions, and hear His voice. It was never a chore to spend time with God and seek Him.

Lately, it hasn't been the same. I used to keep devotion times, watch a bunch of sermons, read great books, wake up with prayers and worship. Now i don't seem to have much energy or inspiration to invest in these spiritual disciplines. I feel a little weaker spiritually. Now I make excuses and slowly seem to push God to a last option of how i could spend my time. I've put so many things before God. It bothers me that i confess and repent, and yet find myself ignoring God in the same way.

I can't seem to find the patience to wait upon Him. The desire isn't as pressing. I wouldn't say i'm drowning spiritually, nor would i say i'm making much progress. I feel like i've jus been treading water. And eventually, treading water gets extremely exhausting. But instead of finding rest and satisfaction in God, i find myself turning to other counterfeit sources. I want to do things right, and use my time here on earth wisely. However, i am often filled with tired laziness. this gets me so frustrated at myself. It gets kinda hard to receive grace for the kazillionth time. And i know God still offers His grace. it's jus that... i'm tired of sinning and screwing up. i'm tired of not making the most of opportunities. I'm sick of sins of omission, and not doing anything when i should take action.

I hate that i try to take short cuts in everything. I always want things easy, comfortable and my way. Why can't i be more disciplined? Where has that intense burning passion gone? Why do i feel so dim lately? How much do i truly value my relationship with the living God? How much do i actually trust Him?

God give me hope. Reveal your will. Fill me with strength. Stir up a joyful obedience in me. Help me repent of my sin and idols. Kill my lusts, laziness and selfishness. I desire to desire you more. Don't let me settle for the status quo. May i give you all the honor, glory and praise that you deserve. May i delight in your ways, and trust in your unfailing love. God thank you for always being faithful. Draw me closer.

Frustrations

God is good! His grace is sufficient. His love is endless. His mercy is unfailing. His pursuit is relentless. He is wonderful, beautiful, magnificent and infinitely glorious! Praise to the King!

so uhh.. the past few weeks, maybe even months.. I've been feeling kinda spiritually dry. I feel like i fell off the horse and just stayed on the ground. Sometimes i don't know how to get back up. Sometimes i feel like i'm just not good enough. And i guess that does kinda reveal a works-righteousness based on my own sheer effort or performance. I need to constantly remind myself to depend on God and not just myself.

I have been greatly frustrated at myself lately. I've been very disappointed and angry at myself. It's kinda hard to serve in ministry when your own relationship with God is lacking. A woman from one of my classes said, if we give up our time with God or our devotion time with God, doesn't our ministry suffer? Isn't that the place of which we draw strength and guidance?

Anyways.. back to my frustrations.. I kinda had a short argument with God a few minutes ago. I acknowledged that i have been very distracted. There has been obvious sins, idols, and lusts in my life. I try to fill myself by some other means. I easily become lazy, slothful and a sluggard.

I make excuses for myself for not getting things done. i procrastinate and put things off, which makes me mad at myself. I make goals, and fall short everyday.

I get upset at myself for rebellious sin. I get angry at my anger. I want to be better. i want to glorify God, but then how come my life struggles to obey? I say i love God, yet why do i struggle to spend just 5 minutes with Him?

Why can't i slow down? Why do i run to other things to satisfy me? Sometimes it seems i purposely distract myself. maybe because coming to receive from God seems difficult sometimes..

Even when i'm able to slow down and be in solitude i still cant hear God. Sometimes i cant sense Him. I feel blind and deaf to His Spirit. Sometimes walkin over to my roommates room and talkin to him is easier than running to God. My roommate listens and then responds. I can hear his words easily, get quick advice, and have someone to keep me company.

If God is so infinite and intimate, how come i struggle to sense His presence? Even after turnin off all the noise in my head i still struggle to hear Him. Even when i read scripture it gets hard. I know i need to be in God's word and in prayer more, but i'm not quite sure how to. It shouldn't be a chore.

I think through this experience, God is teaching me to grow in my desire for Him. It honestly shouldn't be this hard to spend time with the One we love. I think our generation wants quick responses and clear answers. We want God in a pill form. We have a short attention span and don't like waiting. Sometimes it's easier to jus turn the tv on, and turn our mind off.

Perhaps God is teaching me to grow in patience. I need to learn to slow myself down. I think one of the reasons i don't read enough is because there are so many other competing desires that seem more appealing.

Have you ever tried to get in touch with someone but they keep missing your calls. I think God has been tryin to get my attention for awhile. And then when i do seek after Him, He purposely takes a step back and maybe even hides so it causes me to pursue and search more after Him. I dunno.

God did reaffirm me while i was shaving. He said that, "I am here and i love you." which was really all i needed to hear.

I think the lesson here is to prioritize making time for God. Hold yourself to specific appointments with Him. It's great that we can abide in Him no matter what we're doing, but we also ought to be more intentional with our prayers and quiet times.

My roommate said he has been struggling with school. He feels like he's crawling, but crawling in the right direction. Sometimes sanctification is painful. Sometimes trials are exhausting. Sometimes God allows us to suffer through circumstances so we're able to grow.

I feel like my walk with God isn't consistent enough. I usually end up relying on myself and trying to accomplish everything on my own effort. Sometimes i want a quick fix to all my problems. But i realize that problems can be quite complex and that it takes time to grow. I'm learning perseverance. I'm learning that i need to focus more on obedience, spiritual disciplines, prayer, receiving grace for myself and also pursuing righteousness.

Sin separates us from God. it's so easy to run and hide in unhealthy guilt. It's hard to confess, repent and receive grace. I get really frustrated at myself for sinning. I hate sin. it's like throwing dirt in God's face. And yet i continue to sin over and over again.

Sins of commission is actively committing something wrong, while sins of omission is idleness and not doing something that we should be doing. sometimes i feel like a constant failure. i feel like a broken CD that doesn't know how to play the song right. I feel like i've been practicing free throws and i've jus been throwing air balls or bricks.

It's easy to condemn myself for my sins and short comings. It's easy to stare at all the things i do poorly. I need to learn to look at the things i'm doin somewhat well in. I need to grow in self-discipline. I also need to accept that i'm a work in progress. I think i think too much. I over analyze sometimes and could use a little simplicity in my life. i need more of God.

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My roommates and i were talkin about a lot of things last night. One roommate came into the room and said, "What's the whole point of being in a relationship and having children?" He said that he felt he wouldn't even get to enjoy a wife and kids for long, because he believes that according to some prophecy, Christ would return very very soon. I didn't think that was a very compelling argument. He went on to explain that he might be better off without another wife. He seems to be kinda scarred from his past marriages. He said it is easier to worship God without having to tend to a wife.

There are a lot of benefits to being single. Most of the time i am quite content with being single. Sometimes we want to be in relationships just for our selfish needs. Having a God honoring relationship now days is very difficult.

My other roommate got into a talk about if there's such a thing as a "one" for them. He brought in the idea of choice and how there may be 10+ women that are compatible for him and that they would all turn out to be great marriages. I kinda sided more with praying to God for discernment before jumping into anything, and that if God orchestrates the right person in your life, then things should be quite easy.

Then we talked about how we are created for relationships. I think that's why facebook is so popular now days. Social networking is something we crave, because we crave strong relationships with many people. A few teachers have said that we need at least 25 strong relationships for us to thrive and flourish. Having consistent community with believers that we trust is pivotal. It is absolutely necessary that we stay invested with deep friendships and fellowship.

One of the reasons our culture aches to rush into a romantic relationship is because they arn't relationally satisfied in God or in people. As Christians we ought to rely on our brothers and sisters in Christ for personal connection. We are designed to worship collectively and to share our lives with each other.

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We also talked about balancing our spiritual, relational, emotional, mental, and physical life. How the heck are you supposed to do everything well? I feel like sometimes we need to sacrifice in certain areas for other areas to thrive. However, isn't there a way to be faithful in all these areas? It seems, once our spiritual life burns out, all the other areas fall apart too. Spiritually we need to find rest in God so we're able to invite God into the other areas of our life.

I was also thinking about seminary. And if Talbot will prepare me well enough to be an efficient leader in ministry, teaching and counseling. I dunno, i guess i want to leave school with more than just the basics and fundamentals.

Sometimes my heart really hurts and i'm not quite sure why. Perhaps it's because i always want to do things better, but keep making the same mistake. Not reaching your potential and just getting by makes me very disappointed in myself. I know i can do better, and jus trying harder isn't the answer. I need to get into the habit of meditating on God and His word more.

They call it a christian "walk" because it's a consistent lifestyle. Lately, i've jus been tripping, stumbling, falling, crawling, and laying in my own discouragements. Chris preach to yourself that it is God who works in you for His glory. Chris, stop trying to Do and just Be. Stop being so critical of yourself. Forgive yourself and have grace for yourself.

God,

where we have little control in our lives and little understanding, i pray that we would place our faith in you. Help us to trust you, to desire you more, love you, follow and obey you. Help us to abide, remain and be with you. Fill us, grow us, shape us, teach us, guide us, empower us and transform us. Thank you for always being there for me, even when sometimes it seems your not. Increase my faith. Help me to see, help me to hear and listen. Help me to love. Make me the person you want me to be. Grant me patience, perseverance, discipline, and obedience. Fill us with joy :D

thoughts

had a bunch of college students from church come over tonight. it was fun to worship and have fellowship together. i realize that i need to invest in relationships even more.

About every other night, my roommate and i get into very deep discussions that last hours. We complain about school and all the work that needs to be done. Sometimes it's hard writing papers, reading a book, going to class or studying for a test. We usually then talk about trying to balance other areas of our lives. We talk about the future and where we want to see ourselves. We talk about our past and all the great childhood memories we had growing up. We've been watchin "The Wonder Years" and it makes us reminisce our simple lives. It's boring if everyone is serious all the time. Shouldn't we enjoy our days and invest in building greater friendships?

One thing we talked about was how important relationships and community is. We all need someone to share our lives with. We all need a few solid relationships that we can count on. We need excitement, adventure and fun in our lives. Yes we need to be faithful to our studies, however that doesn't mean we should neglect our spiritual, physical, and relational social lives. We need to make time for fun things. There's a time to work and a time for play.

I struggle with self-discipline. It's hard to force myself to go to the library and stay there until my paper gets finished. but in the end i know it'll be worth it. All this dreaming about taking it easy and having fun is important, but now i think i need to focus on actually putting in the hours for school. I definitely need to work on reading more.

And then.. i look over to my bed and see my big fat white cat curled up with a big smile on his face. Gah he makes me so lazy. I changed my sheets, and then he goes and gets hair everywhere! gah! but he's so fluffy and cuddly that you can't say no. lol.

Chris tomorrow, you will wake up late. Shower, do devotions, eat brunch, and go to the library and write an awesome paper. That's the plan.

Lately ive been having awesome dreams. But then when i wake up, i completely forget where i was. I'm usually able to have a vivid memory, but lately i've been forgetting.

I need to escape to God more. I need to remind myself that it's not about doing, but being. Being with God. I need more time with God. I don't want to settle for a mediocre relationship with God. I want God to be more important than air. I want to hunger Him more than food. I wand to find deep satisfaction in Him more than entertainment. However, even when i say these things, my life doesn't seem to reflect that same desire. How can i go a day without including God? How can i go to sleep without having God cross my mind? Does 5 short minutes a day really count as a flourishing relationship? probably not. How can i be so easily distracted? I need to get my priorities straight. I think i could jus use a good quiet time with God right about now. it's so refreshing to be in the warmth of His embrace and to know we have a Heavenly Father who loves us.

"Study therefore, and study more, but be sure thy study and thy knowledge be rather practical than speculative; do not merely beat thy brains to learn the history of Christ's death, but the efficacy, virtue,  and merit of it; know what thou knowest in reference to thyself." Isaac Ambrose