Courage

i want to be a risk taker. I've played it safe my entire life. I don't like to take the chance of something going wrong. I've seen people live in full devotion to God, regardless of how uncomfortable or difficult the circumstances may be. Perhaps fear holds me back. It's easier to not live for God. It's easier not to be bold or courageous. It's easier not to take the initiative to say or do something to serve and bless someone. I feel like i hold myself back. I crave an adventure led by faith, and yet my laziness keeps saying to stay inside, under the blankets and watch tv. My sinful flesh says "live for yourself, it's easy, fun and safe. Don't do anything drastic or crazy for God." I don't want to conform to the world, and get caught up with distractions. Why do i exchange temporal pleasures and values for those that are eternal? Why do i get so caught up with just the physical delights?

My pursuit of righteousness has somehow turned into a lust of unrighteousness. I feel myself slowly spiraling, a little further from God than the last. Fellowship is always great and encouraging, but perhaps i need more peer sharpening. I need someone to pour into me, stretch and challenge me. Sure, seminary offers theological training in the knowledge of proposition (head knowledge). However, i feel like my knowledge of acquaintance (heart knowledge), has been dwindling. I haven't been pursuing a deep intimacy with God as i once used to.

Have you ever gone a few days of just going through the motions? What about weeks? Months? Things become routine. I used to experience God a little more personally. In fact, God always seemed extremely explosive. time didn't seem to matter. He would speak and communicate His truths through some sort of revelation. I would be able to sense His presence and love. I could sense His Spirit, see visions, and hear His voice. It was never a chore to spend time with God and seek Him.

Lately, it hasn't been the same. I used to keep devotion times, watch a bunch of sermons, read great books, wake up with prayers and worship. Now i don't seem to have much energy or inspiration to invest in these spiritual disciplines. I feel a little weaker spiritually. Now I make excuses and slowly seem to push God to a last option of how i could spend my time. I've put so many things before God. It bothers me that i confess and repent, and yet find myself ignoring God in the same way.

I can't seem to find the patience to wait upon Him. The desire isn't as pressing. I wouldn't say i'm drowning spiritually, nor would i say i'm making much progress. I feel like i've jus been treading water. And eventually, treading water gets extremely exhausting. But instead of finding rest and satisfaction in God, i find myself turning to other counterfeit sources. I want to do things right, and use my time here on earth wisely. However, i am often filled with tired laziness. this gets me so frustrated at myself. It gets kinda hard to receive grace for the kazillionth time. And i know God still offers His grace. it's jus that... i'm tired of sinning and screwing up. i'm tired of not making the most of opportunities. I'm sick of sins of omission, and not doing anything when i should take action.

I hate that i try to take short cuts in everything. I always want things easy, comfortable and my way. Why can't i be more disciplined? Where has that intense burning passion gone? Why do i feel so dim lately? How much do i truly value my relationship with the living God? How much do i actually trust Him?

God give me hope. Reveal your will. Fill me with strength. Stir up a joyful obedience in me. Help me repent of my sin and idols. Kill my lusts, laziness and selfishness. I desire to desire you more. Don't let me settle for the status quo. May i give you all the honor, glory and praise that you deserve. May i delight in your ways, and trust in your unfailing love. God thank you for always being faithful. Draw me closer.