Frustrations

God is good! His grace is sufficient. His love is endless. His mercy is unfailing. His pursuit is relentless. He is wonderful, beautiful, magnificent and infinitely glorious! Praise to the King!

so uhh.. the past few weeks, maybe even months.. I've been feeling kinda spiritually dry. I feel like i fell off the horse and just stayed on the ground. Sometimes i don't know how to get back up. Sometimes i feel like i'm just not good enough. And i guess that does kinda reveal a works-righteousness based on my own sheer effort or performance. I need to constantly remind myself to depend on God and not just myself.

I have been greatly frustrated at myself lately. I've been very disappointed and angry at myself. It's kinda hard to serve in ministry when your own relationship with God is lacking. A woman from one of my classes said, if we give up our time with God or our devotion time with God, doesn't our ministry suffer? Isn't that the place of which we draw strength and guidance?

Anyways.. back to my frustrations.. I kinda had a short argument with God a few minutes ago. I acknowledged that i have been very distracted. There has been obvious sins, idols, and lusts in my life. I try to fill myself by some other means. I easily become lazy, slothful and a sluggard.

I make excuses for myself for not getting things done. i procrastinate and put things off, which makes me mad at myself. I make goals, and fall short everyday.

I get upset at myself for rebellious sin. I get angry at my anger. I want to be better. i want to glorify God, but then how come my life struggles to obey? I say i love God, yet why do i struggle to spend just 5 minutes with Him?

Why can't i slow down? Why do i run to other things to satisfy me? Sometimes it seems i purposely distract myself. maybe because coming to receive from God seems difficult sometimes..

Even when i'm able to slow down and be in solitude i still cant hear God. Sometimes i cant sense Him. I feel blind and deaf to His Spirit. Sometimes walkin over to my roommates room and talkin to him is easier than running to God. My roommate listens and then responds. I can hear his words easily, get quick advice, and have someone to keep me company.

If God is so infinite and intimate, how come i struggle to sense His presence? Even after turnin off all the noise in my head i still struggle to hear Him. Even when i read scripture it gets hard. I know i need to be in God's word and in prayer more, but i'm not quite sure how to. It shouldn't be a chore.

I think through this experience, God is teaching me to grow in my desire for Him. It honestly shouldn't be this hard to spend time with the One we love. I think our generation wants quick responses and clear answers. We want God in a pill form. We have a short attention span and don't like waiting. Sometimes it's easier to jus turn the tv on, and turn our mind off.

Perhaps God is teaching me to grow in patience. I need to learn to slow myself down. I think one of the reasons i don't read enough is because there are so many other competing desires that seem more appealing.

Have you ever tried to get in touch with someone but they keep missing your calls. I think God has been tryin to get my attention for awhile. And then when i do seek after Him, He purposely takes a step back and maybe even hides so it causes me to pursue and search more after Him. I dunno.

God did reaffirm me while i was shaving. He said that, "I am here and i love you." which was really all i needed to hear.

I think the lesson here is to prioritize making time for God. Hold yourself to specific appointments with Him. It's great that we can abide in Him no matter what we're doing, but we also ought to be more intentional with our prayers and quiet times.

My roommate said he has been struggling with school. He feels like he's crawling, but crawling in the right direction. Sometimes sanctification is painful. Sometimes trials are exhausting. Sometimes God allows us to suffer through circumstances so we're able to grow.

I feel like my walk with God isn't consistent enough. I usually end up relying on myself and trying to accomplish everything on my own effort. Sometimes i want a quick fix to all my problems. But i realize that problems can be quite complex and that it takes time to grow. I'm learning perseverance. I'm learning that i need to focus more on obedience, spiritual disciplines, prayer, receiving grace for myself and also pursuing righteousness.

Sin separates us from God. it's so easy to run and hide in unhealthy guilt. It's hard to confess, repent and receive grace. I get really frustrated at myself for sinning. I hate sin. it's like throwing dirt in God's face. And yet i continue to sin over and over again.

Sins of commission is actively committing something wrong, while sins of omission is idleness and not doing something that we should be doing. sometimes i feel like a constant failure. i feel like a broken CD that doesn't know how to play the song right. I feel like i've been practicing free throws and i've jus been throwing air balls or bricks.

It's easy to condemn myself for my sins and short comings. It's easy to stare at all the things i do poorly. I need to learn to look at the things i'm doin somewhat well in. I need to grow in self-discipline. I also need to accept that i'm a work in progress. I think i think too much. I over analyze sometimes and could use a little simplicity in my life. i need more of God.

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My roommates and i were talkin about a lot of things last night. One roommate came into the room and said, "What's the whole point of being in a relationship and having children?" He said that he felt he wouldn't even get to enjoy a wife and kids for long, because he believes that according to some prophecy, Christ would return very very soon. I didn't think that was a very compelling argument. He went on to explain that he might be better off without another wife. He seems to be kinda scarred from his past marriages. He said it is easier to worship God without having to tend to a wife.

There are a lot of benefits to being single. Most of the time i am quite content with being single. Sometimes we want to be in relationships just for our selfish needs. Having a God honoring relationship now days is very difficult.

My other roommate got into a talk about if there's such a thing as a "one" for them. He brought in the idea of choice and how there may be 10+ women that are compatible for him and that they would all turn out to be great marriages. I kinda sided more with praying to God for discernment before jumping into anything, and that if God orchestrates the right person in your life, then things should be quite easy.

Then we talked about how we are created for relationships. I think that's why facebook is so popular now days. Social networking is something we crave, because we crave strong relationships with many people. A few teachers have said that we need at least 25 strong relationships for us to thrive and flourish. Having consistent community with believers that we trust is pivotal. It is absolutely necessary that we stay invested with deep friendships and fellowship.

One of the reasons our culture aches to rush into a romantic relationship is because they arn't relationally satisfied in God or in people. As Christians we ought to rely on our brothers and sisters in Christ for personal connection. We are designed to worship collectively and to share our lives with each other.

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We also talked about balancing our spiritual, relational, emotional, mental, and physical life. How the heck are you supposed to do everything well? I feel like sometimes we need to sacrifice in certain areas for other areas to thrive. However, isn't there a way to be faithful in all these areas? It seems, once our spiritual life burns out, all the other areas fall apart too. Spiritually we need to find rest in God so we're able to invite God into the other areas of our life.

I was also thinking about seminary. And if Talbot will prepare me well enough to be an efficient leader in ministry, teaching and counseling. I dunno, i guess i want to leave school with more than just the basics and fundamentals.

Sometimes my heart really hurts and i'm not quite sure why. Perhaps it's because i always want to do things better, but keep making the same mistake. Not reaching your potential and just getting by makes me very disappointed in myself. I know i can do better, and jus trying harder isn't the answer. I need to get into the habit of meditating on God and His word more.

They call it a christian "walk" because it's a consistent lifestyle. Lately, i've jus been tripping, stumbling, falling, crawling, and laying in my own discouragements. Chris preach to yourself that it is God who works in you for His glory. Chris, stop trying to Do and just Be. Stop being so critical of yourself. Forgive yourself and have grace for yourself.

God,

where we have little control in our lives and little understanding, i pray that we would place our faith in you. Help us to trust you, to desire you more, love you, follow and obey you. Help us to abide, remain and be with you. Fill us, grow us, shape us, teach us, guide us, empower us and transform us. Thank you for always being there for me, even when sometimes it seems your not. Increase my faith. Help me to see, help me to hear and listen. Help me to love. Make me the person you want me to be. Grant me patience, perseverance, discipline, and obedience. Fill us with joy :D