Christmas etc.

warning! loong bloog below..

i haven't had the time to blog since my mom or dad had things planned. Way too many christmas parties. im kinda tired of going out everyday, i jus wanna wake up late n watch cartoons! However, it was nice catching up with family and friends. Even though i haven't really seen my closer friends since ive been too busy. I feel like i haven't had the time to stop and rest.

I was panicking to find last minute gifts. It was kinda stressful. I went to my mom's friends place where they meet every year. And for some reason, even though i've known everyone since i was born, it felt hard to interact with people. I feel awkward when i don't know how to approach or even greet people. I also feel awkward trying to continue a conversation without it dying. Bleh.. sometimes small talk is hard.

Sometimes it's hard to push myself to talk to people. by default my face doesn't cheerfully smile.. so i guess i hafta consciously try to be relational. I really hafta push myself to be a conversationalist sometimes. It's hard to be other's minded, to ask questions and to engage with others. i felt bad cuz at the dinner table, i sat next to my grandma and i just played iphone games.. my default wants to withdraw. I guess im a work in progress. It's kinda hard to love others when we aren't the most social butterflies.

Sometimes we get so distracted by the lights, music, cookies, food, trees and decorations that we completely forget the meaning of Christmas. I went to a christmas eve church service and it was really good. It was jus the simple truth that God loves you and died for our sins. It was the gospel. The truth that we're forgiven in Christ. I even got teary when this lady came up to give her testimony. She got divorce and had to raise her son on her own. She struggled to keep a roof over their head. She became depressed and even struggled with suicidal thoughts. She talked a lot about all her trials and how God became her only hope. And the church community was really able to help her heal and become stronger in her faith. It was just an amazing story of how God really does change, help and save people.

I went to my dad's house for christmas eve and then i went to my moms side of the family for Christmas day. it was great being with family and pigging out.

Playing basketball and goin to UH's basketball game was fun. I really need to hit the gym, swim, surf, hike and play more ball. Physical activities seem to be therapeutic for me. I feel like an old man when my back and body is sore all day. Walk.. sit.. eat.. walk.. sit.. eat.. lie down.. all day..

random note. i went from 153 to 140 in weight. I lost over 10 pounds in like a month or two, cuz of school stress. i feel so darn skinny, yet fat. lol.. i need time for the gym.

I stayed at my moms dental office to get my teeth cleaning. so i stayed in a room for about 8 hours.. watching breaking bad.. oh so intense! but kinda a waste of my day.. what is breaking bad about u ask? Oh it's super funny cuz it's about this old chemist teacher guy who wants to sell drugs to make money. He hangs out with this young guy and it's so funny tryin to watch them cover up their trail.

some of my friends wanna hangout tmrw, but i really dont feel like doin the things they wanna do. I feel like i tend to disagree with things to do or even movies to see. Sometimes people have different ideas of fun. But i guess i should go out cuz i havent hung out with them at all

There's another friend who i recently talked to. And i'm really confused. Sometimes it's really hard to put effort into seeing old friends. Being really close to someone in the past, drifting apart, and then wondering if you can really be close again..

Friday i gotta go eye doctor, saturday gotta help my mom clean up a house in town

I hate when u start blogging and u write about stuff completely irrelevant to what you wanted to say.. no wonder my blogs get so long..

ive been having awesome dreams, but then ive been forgetting them. it kills me to know i go on exciting adventures and then i can even remember what happened. i should invent a dream recorder.. it's funny how we say, "oh i should jus invent a _______" as if it were that easy. i should invent an inventor machine that magically made everything you wanted to invent.

aw i miss church and all the kiddies... :(


I read the back part of a sena, and it talked about Lee Seong-Hye. She won miss korea universe. Her testimony is pretty inspiring. Her parents encouraged her to play violin professionally, but she became highly sensitive to her mistakes, and didn't like being judged for a 5 minute performance on her musical talents. In a sense she learned she was only accepted and approved of when she was perfect. She then pushed herself to get good grades and apply to medical school. She didn't get accepted and she became angry with God. She thought she would be glorifying God by helping others, but deep down she realized it was still for her selfish reasons. She learned that she would pursue what made her happy. And designing clothes and outfits was something that came easy to her. Her dad then encouraged her to try for the miss seoul pageant, and she ended up winning miss korea. Sometimes we pursue things, thinking that our skills, diplomas, education, and careers will make us happy. When truthfully, God wants us to be joyful in the process as well. We are to seek His will, be obedient to His call, and praise Him regardless of how well we're doing or what we're studying.

So even though i'm pursuing school at seminary to do pastoral counseling. it made me ask myself. Who am i becoming in the process? Do i jus see school as a means to get somewhere else? or am i really allowing God to mold me? Even tho we study God, are apart of a ministry and throw around Christian lingual, do we really have a relationship with God? I'm really learning how important it is to take care of ourselves. I really can't share God with others if I don't really walk close with Him myself. I really need to make it a priority to do devotions. To find quiet times to spend talking and listening to God. I guess the discipline makes me treat it more like a task, rather than a joy. God grow my desire to be with you and to receive from you.

Today i was thinking a lot about family. How come i'm pursuing Christian education stuff and most of my family doesnt know God. How come so many members of my family are turned off from hearing about Jesus? Why is God such a tabboo? I guess some people don't want to change. Some are stuck in their beliefs or idols. Some just don't seem to need God in their life. I guess i'm jus sad that there isn't many Christians in my family.

Okay.. so finally.. the stuff i wanted to talk about..
Sometimes i get upset when i miss opportunities. The worst ones are when i sense the Holy Spirit convicting me to say or act and i dont. God was really nudging me to speak into this girls life, but there were other people around, so i decided to hold my tongue. But today God was asking me to pray with this older lady, and i hesitated, but right before we left, i asked if i could pray for her. It was really nice getting the chance to counsel this older lady. It's so hard to not say or give direct possible solutions. I really need to mature in counseling techniques. It's strange how we always ask God to use us. And then when the opportunity reveals itself, I freeze up and bite my tongue. I need to learn to be a little more bold when it comes to leading conversations towards God. We Christians claim to have faith, and yet we dim our lights so we can camouflage in this dark world. Live out your faith, put love into action

this christmas i learned the power of handwritten letters. Even more so, i learned the power of words. Receiving a bunch of cards from church people made me realize how writing a sincere and thoughtful letter can often be the best gift. So i guess now i take my time in writing letters. It's also easier to write things than to say them sometimes. And so often we say our family means so much to us, and yet we never express it.

Dang it's almost new years.. still havent written a blog about my goals. i should look back on 2012's resolutions and see if i actually kept them.. im guessing i didn't since i cant even remember them. if ur a blogger.. write a blog about ur 2013 new year's resolutions! And actually do your best to keep them!

Liberation

jus pulled an all nighter. ill be leaving for the airport in an hour. lol im such a last minute guy. I usually pack really fast, like 15-20mins.. but then.. i decided to clean and organize my room. Then i realized i didn't do laundry. Then i got distracted by all the neat things u find while cleaning your room. then i started organizing clothes and throwing out trash. I calculated that in the last 5 days, (120 hours), i only slept for 20 hours. it's so harder to function. my brain is so pooped from hebrew.

oh btw.. YAHHHHH!! FREEEDOM!! i'm finally done with this crazy semester. It wouldnt have been too bad if i kept up with hebrew. i felt like i was tryin to catch a train. i think i did alright on the exam so i'm glad i won't hafta retake the course again. hmm... im overjoyed that i disciplined myself to study 10-12hrs for a stinkin test. i probably spent another 10hrs jus tryin to focus. coffee helped. But i think God really pulled me through. im so happy to not worry about school and to jus turn my head off for awhile. i'm still very sleep deprived.

Now it's off to hawaii! considering i havn't thrown a single thing in the suitcase, haven't pulled my laundry out and i leave in an hour, i really shouldnt be blogging. hah owell. last minute chris. I seem to have such stronger concentration when the pressure is on. but sometimes i guess i do overestimate my procrastination skills. man im so tired.. once i slow down, my eyes jus begin to crash. guhhhhh

YAY HAWAII!! :)

last day at church

it kinda seemed like i would be leaving forever.. but i know i'll be back to visit often. If u havent noticed, i made it a point to not blog about church stuff. it's easy to get in trouble for sharing honest thoughts about ministry. The only real stress came from not being able to meet my high standards of what i believe a pastor should be like.

Yes, i needed to step down to focus on a counseling internship at another church. But what i didn't mention was that I'm also stepping down because for a while, i've been feeling spiritually inadequate. I stress at not being relational enough, for preparing everything last minute, for not being a great organizer or planner, and i guess i criticize myself a lot. I need to let go of my regrets and disappointments. I jus keep tellin myself, "i wish i did better."

i believe pastors should be spiritually healthy and rested in God. Pastors should be in God's Word and in prayer daily, and i've struggled to do that for way too long. I've been having a hard time slowing down and simply receiving from God. I've been spiritually dry and exhausted for many months. How come it seems we're usually struggling spiritually more often than not? I believe it comes down to not being able to meet with God in daily devotions and maybe a lack of desire to spend time with God. well and the thousand other distractions.

Right now i just need to do less and focus on my personal walk with God, without having any responsibilities of ministry. I felt like i was becoming less and less effective. And maybe a little overwhelmed with the pressure i put on myself to perform and do my best. i mean, if ur gonna preach, u should do it right.. right? and not be winging it by planning a few hours before service. I really don't like to settle for mediocrity. Instead of doing things for God, i first need to focus on being with God. I need to become a student learner again. I need to refine the basics of my faith. I need to work on myself, and allow God to really transform my lifestyle.

I want to come to a point where I desire God more than anything else in life. Where i become obsessed and addicted to being with God. I want to have times where I do nothing but listen to worship music for hours, read scripture, take walks, pray and journal. He is our infinite source of strength, and yet why do i run to other things instead? Why not absorb all this free love he freely gives?

One thing that i relearned in ministry, is the power of relationships. Church should be a loving and warm community of brothers and sisters in Christ. And i am grateful for all the friendships and relationships that we formed at church. I will definitely miss not being able to see everyone every week. I am especially grateful for the leaders who were able to handle so much of the logistics and who were also able to be there for the younger ones. I wish i could have discipled and invested into the college leaders more.

i dunno why my blogs always end up being small preaching moments. it's usually God trying to teach me. so.. note to self..

Make it a point to surround yourself in fellowship, family and community. We're not meant to do this whole Christianity thing by ourselves.  Instead of tryin to hold your breath, let God breathe life and abundance in you. Decrease so he can increase. Don't forget the absolute necessity of receiving the fullness of God's love and grace daily.

Practice spiritual disciplines and really make it a point to take your faith more seriously and joyfully. Give up legalistic religion and see that God is really just after your heart. That God really does want to change us and has the power to do so if we trust Him. It's kinda like holding on to God while he gives us a piggyback. We just hafta hold on tight. True worship and awe really does lead to a joyful obedience. Rekindle your first love.

I pray that during this winter break, i'd truly be able to find my ultimate rest in God alone.

?????

so many random thoughts and emotions. but i find myself not wanting to blog about them. hmm..

it's 1:47am. i kinda jus woke up cuz i slept at 11ish. went to garden buffet with gregs relatives. they had a big party upstairs. so much food and they even had karaoke and a christmas tree in this private room. we all stuffed our faces.

sometimes it feels akward being at a table with people u kinda sorta know, but dont really know. and then, not being able to ask anything about the other person. i mean.. it's easy to joke around with friends we know, but when it comes to adults or to really quiet people.. i jus dont know what to say. ill try to muster up a question, but then it fizzles out so fast.

i met with a christian counselor today in alhambra. so far.. gah. but yeah.. it was kinda eye opening. and for the longest time i thought i wanted to go into marriage and family therapy. like being in my own office and being able to get paid to talk to people and work with there problems. but then i realized that it seems so much more fulfilling to do counseling in the church where they offer it freely. And more issues about God, the Bible, and spirituality come up. uhh but the counselor lady said they only accept psyd/ marriage/family or social work masters degrees, so i couldnt apply for an internship. lookin for a place to intern is kinda freaking me out a little. gotta find a place soon.

I think i'm starting to slowly understand what it means to relate to how others feel. like.. to really walk with them in the midst of their struggles. I think i like counseling because it takes the attention off me, and I can impart compassion by jus my attentive presence. I feel like i can actually offer help to those willing to be vulnerable. I feel like God actually does want to use me to help others explore themselves more.

I'm learning that it's crucial to take care of myself first. When i'm caught up with my own problems, i feel ineffective to offer help and attention. I hafta be careful to not let their problems weigh me down. Sometimes i forget how important family, friends, and the support of community is. Problems tend to arise when we withdraw from healthy relationships. We need to surround ourselves with cheerful and positive ppl so it uplifts us. And empowers us to tend to those hurting.

its 2am, so im not quite sure if i'm jus rambling or even making much sense. i was gonna try avoid talkin about school, but guess i will. why do i even include those statements. guh. anywaaaays.. stay on point chris.. uhh oh yah.. i took a hebrew retake exam, and did fairly well. i actually caught up to where i was supposed to be. but now that i caught up to chapter 12-13, theyre on chapter 17. and im lost again. it felt good to have some hebrew click and make sense.

Today was actually a good day at school. i took a marital counseling exam. and i guess reflecting back, i did learn a few things. people have wrong assumptions and expectations of marriage and what their spouse is supposed to be. we all have home of origin issues. meaning we've observed how things have been done in our family and by our parents, and well not every family is exactly like yours! the class also helped me to see how you can help a husband and wife understand each other. amplifying and clarifying their statements by trying to interpret what their really trying to say. i also bought a few marriage books cuz they actually seem interesting. how much attention do we really give to trying to improve our relationships and communication?

It seems like most ppl look at marriage as finding someone to meet their needs, and to make them happy. Rather, marriage is a model of how Christ loves the church. It's about expressing love through service and sacrifice. It's about working with your sins and growing in holiness. I feel like i have such strong perspectives of marriage. and i told mike today, where in the world do u find a girl who has a deep prayer life, who has inspiring faith, who gives her life to service, and puts God first. and well i know very few, but i guess it made me think, have i been holding to those values myself?

gah i forgot i have a paper due.. but its not till next week. should i do it now at 2am or.. later? hmm
I kinda liked my advanced pastoral care and counseling class. it was interesting to study the deeper issues that ppl struggle with. i can only remember, guilt, victim, rescuer, self-image, role playing, trust, power issues, perfectionist, conforming, and ppl always in crisis. it was cool how our prof unpacked the symptoms, roots and how to help in the issue. but i wish we learned more counseling techniques.. it was kinda nervracting to counseling someone and have someone grade me on everything i did. coulda done better, but oh well.

so yeah. today was kinda good, cuz i feel like i came up for air. ive been drowning, and soon i'll hafta go back down for awhile. but it was refreshing to have a cup of coffee, end class early, talk to fun classmates, empower a friend, breathe in the fresh air, check out 2 book stores, and talk to my old roommate about things. Oh then i went to the gym. and i guess a big dinner was nice too. i'm actually getting more excited about goin home for christmas. having peace is a lot easier when there isn't demanding papers and test. i cant wait to walk around my neighborhood. it's super relaxing to jus stand in awe of God's creation. i also wanna hit the beach, watch movies, and work on things i havnt had the time to do. gah i cant think about hawaii yet, still got 1 more week! gahh hebrew

even though i feel like i fumbled my sermon about peace, it actually helped me more than i thought. how can i have peace in the midst of stress and school work? Peace isn't the absence of problems but the addition of power to meet and overcome those problems. God actually poured into me a lot as i was driving. perhaps worship music helped. Sometimes we get so caught up at whats going wrong, or we feel unhappy about a specific problem, and we focus so much of our attention on the difficulties that we miss God trying to empower and comfort us. im surprised im managing to survive. perhaps trusting God has given me extra strength and perseverance. im glad im not sick with anything.

i wish i remember what i wanted to say, my thoughts jus escape me. i had a dream i was playing mario kart, lol it was fun. i cant remember, must mean that im gettin tired..  i also had a dream my friend poured a bucket of snakes, bugs, spiders on my bed. but i wasnt on my bed. and i was like bro! man, really? and then i hadta pick up little beatles. but i also had lots of laughter in my dreams. i saw 2 really cool dogs today. man they looked so happy.. i wish i had a dog. i kinda miss my cats a little. jus a little white fluffy body, and those big eyes, lol. man.. i gotta worry about christmas shoppin for my family soon. i rather not exchange gifts sometimes.. money would probably be better spent if everyone jus used their money for what they wanted. hmm i guess that's not what christmas is really about though..  yup im rambling, time to go. this is what happens when u blog chris. ahh time for bed