sleep, family, money, future worries

Finally came back to Cali. I already miss hawaii. Sometimes i forget how good hawaii is. It seems like a dream. My mom works 4 days a week. And then she cooks and cleans for me. My dad is usually busy with work, but always makes time to take me out to lunch or dinner. We had a really nice expensive dinner with my uncle n aunty before i left. Everything jus seems easy and stress free. I take the clean air and water for granted. I forget how beautiful and perfect the weather is. I guess i've been spoiled most my life. There were things I grew up that I thought were the norm. But now i see these were luxuries. Yeah my parents bring up finances and how they get worried about bills and payments. But for the most part, we could always afford buying things.

Even tho my parents are divorced, lately i've seen how much they really love me. I realize how lucky i am to have parents who didn't walk out on me. That they are both responsible, provide care, and actually raised me with a lot of love. I hear about a close friend, who had his parents divorced. I hear about how the dad doesn't ever see or talk to him. Altho he still pays for a lot of the expenses. the mom hasn't had a real job in a decade, has crazy medical expenses, and neglected him for her boyfriend who she smokes pot with. And then we look at my friend.. and we think he has behavioral social problems, and we wonder why. Parent attachment plays such a huge role in shaping us to who we are today.

It's now 4:30am cali time. I'd be embarrassed if you found out what time ive been sleeping this past month. I sleep when high school students need to wake up. Some things are really hard to change. I don't know how to sleep early. When i sleep at normal hours, I tend to wake up in the middle of the night. Why in the world am i blogging about how i suck at sleeping correctly? My mind becomes super alert around 2-3am. I think i'll start taking sleeping pills to help for this coming week.

I hate when i wanna blog about something, but then i go off on a random tangent. I wanted to blog how i never really worry too much about money. And now i'm worried about how i'll be able to survive financially. Pursuing ministry and seminary seems like a calling. But realistically, it's very difficult. I ran into a friend at the gym, and the topic of seminary came up. He asked questions like, "How many years did you study greek and hebrew? How long is the degree? Is it worth it? How will you pay off all your debt?" Realistically he has a point. And i knew going in, that pursuing seminary went against everything reasonable. All the time, money, and energy, to come out with a degree that doesn't really get you anywhere in the secular world. Most churches don't have counseling programs, and can't afford one. Vocationally, my options are to part time youth pastor, develop a counseling program, or teach Christianity at a school. OR go for more education getting a masters of social work or marriage and family therapy degree. Which is more time, money and energy.

I feel like i jus suck all my parents money. I feel guilty for spending so much. Everything cost money. Even small things add up. I'm fortunate that my dad banks money to give me the opportunity to study. But i still feel guilty for burning money on things i don't really need. I can be the most frugal and cheap guy u'll meet. Then all of a sudden i can drop a load of money and splurge. If it wern't for my parents, i'd be dirt poor. It's weird cuz I always told myself to value spiritual things over the material world. However, that doesn't mean we can completely ignore debt and tryin to make a living.

I once met a girl who said that she wanted to do missions. She told me about how she'd try to get a medical degree and just help people. I said, but how will you survive financially? She said confidently, "God will provide." And i know that's true theologically, but i still have a hard time trusting and believing that God will provide these things. That girl got pregnant, and now she's working two jobs jus to make ends meet. Another guy I know, who's 21, got a girl pregnant, and now his parents won't be able to retire, because he only makes minimum wage. Starting 2014, hawaii is raising minimum wage to $8.75. But as i was listening to the news, people were saying, that's still not enough to live off. They'd still need to work more hours then there are in a week to subsidize the cost of living in hawaii. When i was in hawaii, i noticed everythin got way more expensive. On the news, a guy says that he works 3 jobs to make ends meet. And the news reporter said, "but you're living in paradise." He responded, "Yeah but I have no time to enjoy it." i hate thinking about money, i wish we never had to stress about it.

It's strange how we worry so much about finances in America, when the truth is, if you make minimum wage here, you're considered the top 12% richest people in the world. We forget how hard and how impossible it'd be to grow up in different parts of the world. It's not that we forget about it, i think we jus choose to ignore it. We're too caught up with first world problems.

When you're younger, you don't worry about finical pressures. Life is laid back and easy going. Then all of a sudden, u grow older, and u realize.. crap.. after suffering in school.. i hafta work the rest of my life jus to stay above water. And you might get stuck in a job you hate. It seems like people have the aspiration to do good and to help people. Let's go help the poor and feed the homeless all over the world! but then.. crap, how in the world can I afford to give my life to helping people when i can't support myself. And this is especially if you want a family. like who doesn't. And jus because we all would like to get married, or have kids. It'd doesn't mean it'll happen. I know friends who are 26-33, and their still completely single. My mom has a bunch of 50+ friends who are single parents, or jus never found anyone. All they do is work, and come home to no one. And i guess i was thinking... What if i never find that someone to spend life with? Could i really deal with being single till i die? I'm becoming more and more positive, that if i did have the option to have kids, i wouldn't. Unless i was banking swimming pools of cash and could afford one of those living crying pooping things. How in the world do single parents, who get 4 hours of sleep a night and have young children provide? Maybe ill jus pull a house hunters international and live in some cheaper country.

Well, since my blog is already long, it won't hurt to keep going. My sleep schedule is so bad! ah!! so in this show i was watching.. this dude is a chemistry teacher and also had to work at a car wash to make ends meet. Then he gets diagnosed with cancer. And there's no way to pay for the chemotherapy treatment and all the medical bills. So he decides to cook crystal meth, and becomes a drug dealer. It's kinds hilarious, but it really displays the pressures of trying to provide for a family and kids.

Need More Time

Random thought, i realized that i don't like blogging about the things i do or did. Who really cares what i did? i tend to blog about ideas, ambitions, thoughts and more abstract stuff. I think i'm too ashamed to blog about all the negative things. Or admit that i'm not doing to great. i gotta fix my sleep habit. that definitely needs to change.

Here's something i did today. I made a trip to Macy's to return a shirt cuz it's XL, then as i'm standing there in front of the lady about to give me store credit, i say, "uhm actually.. can i try that shirt on again?? Find a mirror* Hm.. i think i'll jus try to shrink it in the wash or maybe magically get bigger." Then i walked out with the shirt ive been tryin to return for a month.  ha what a waste of time.

Lately, I got sucked into stop motion filming. and then ive been spending a lot of my time figuring out how to use special effects.. Took me forever and a day, but I finally figured it out! i was super frustrated with watching a bunch of tutorials on youtube, downloading programs and tryin to get all the right plug ins. But now.. now i can make huge explosions, gun shots, sound effects, and crazy effects happen! i jus need more time!

I have this awesome idea for another stop motion video.. i have it all drawn out.. there's gonna be superheroes, laser beams, missiles, guns, blood, big explosion sounds, and now I can actually edit these effects in like cheese cake. ahh it's gonna be epic, lol im so excited for my geeky nerd dork loser lame hobby.

but daang.. i gotta go back to cali already.. I need a redo, i wish i could of relived this break and done it right. I'm not ready to go back to the blizzard cold. (but i really hope i get to go snowboarding soon) but i always wish i had more time in hawaii when it comes to leaving. I didn't get to do everything i wanted, i didn't get to go to places and see everyone i wanted to see. I still wanted to watch a bunch of movies, organize stuff, and go do a bunch of other stuff i didn't do yet!

i kno i complained about being bored, but that always trumps studying hebrew! lol most students already went back, and here i am tryin to soak the last few drops of winter break. Life is so much easier here at home with family. It's almost too comfortable. lol nahhh too comfortable!? what am i saying..

thoughts on friendship

"Love that gives upward is worship, love that goes outward is affection; love that stoops is grace." Donald Barnhouse

hmm.. there's been a few things on my mind..

I was shortly thinkin about friendships and how relationships really do require communication and spending time together. So far i haven't really gotten to reconnect with old church people and some other friends. It's kinda strange.. when u grow up and u become close with some people.. then a few years pass, and now you barely have any contact..

sometimes it seems hard to reach out to people. You wonder, if i never try to hangout with this person, I probably wouldn't really see them. I think it's interesting how there really is different levels of friends. I mean.. You could really value a friendship, and that person only kinda cares, but not really. Know what i mean? Relationships that arn't equal. You go 80 yards, they go 3 yards. It just doesnt work. A 50/50 or even 60/40 relationship would work. In marital counseling class, my teacher kinda shook my ideal of marriage, cuz he said, it should be 100/100.

Do you know anyone who would go 100 yards for you? Even if you didn't make any effort to sustain a friendship? I can only really think of my parents. Then i was thinking, wow i actually ignore or don't put much thought into some other friends. It seems like, the older you get, the more difficult it becomes to find true friends, who have mutual respect for a balanced friendship.

A lot may have to do with location or availability. But still yet. It's hard to really care for someone who doesn't reciprocate much back.Eventually you give up. friendships fade.


winter and summer break, usually mean sins of omission. meaning.. I basically become a sloth on the couch, eat junk food, watch movies and spend way too much money on ebay. It really is about moderation. Too many lazy days make you go insane.

Today was fun tho. mark n devin picked me up, and we went to drive into town to meet with a bunch of other guys to play ball. We went to a YMCA, the one i learned how to swim at, like 15 years ago. Anyways.. some old ppl were doin zumba on the courts, so we ended up waiting, but then i found their gym. and i was so happy. Exercise is the best therapy. Then we finally got the courts, and i played 5 games, i sat out after the first game cuz i was so winded from being outta shape.

It really is fun to play with people who joke around about everything. Some other dudes came in and some games got really competitive. Everyone seems to play better pissed, lol. I was gettin angry at myself becuz i was missing such easy shots. And i got capped twice. I missed two eaaaasy game winning shots. if i just made simple shots, we woulda won. I usually dont beat myself up for these mistakes, but for some reason i did. I looked at some other guys, and they have so much skill. I look at some of my buddies, and they're huge and strong, and i think, man i wish i kept up lifting heavy and training hard.

I know its bad to compare, but.. sometimes i kinda feel like a failure when you know you could be better. but on the bright side it was good exercise. im so sore. Then we went to this pho place i havnt gone in awhile, and it was seriously the best pho i ever had. and im not even big on pho. Goin out beats being lazy at home.

spiritually.. it's easy to not spend time with God. It's easy to not read anythin or pray. However, i noticed that when i listen to worship music, watch good sermons, or pick up a devotional book, my entire day is better. I'm back to baby steps. small steps of obedient faith in the right direction trumps going the wrong way or not doing anything.

New Years

Sometimes it's hard to sit still and intentionally be with God. I guess it's like going to the gym when you feel so outta shape. And this is the beginning of creating new habits. After awhile it becomes a little easier and more enjoyable. You feel yourself getting stronger. And before you know it you've created a healthy routine. Devotions shouldn't just be a routine, but a deep joy.

I laid in bed and couldnt sleep. So i was thinking about some of the sins I struggle with. What are some of my idols? There seems to be a lot. Having free days means indulging in comforts and pleasures like food, sleep, and movies. Some days i practically live on my couch. These rainy days make it so nice to stay indoors all day tho..