Forgiveness

I struggle to forgive myself. As Christians we acknowledge that God has forgiven all our sins by the atonement of Jesus Christ. but yet we often struggle to forgive others and ourselves. There's a verse somewhere that talks about "forgive as you have been forgiven." Maybe it's the parable of the unmerciful servant?

I have a difficult time letting go, moving on, and forgiving myself. even the frozen girl knows to "let it go". mm.. ok i wont use that joke again. I find that i can be very obsessive in my thoughts, which cause negative emotions to stir in me. I usually condemn myself, punish myself and have a very negative self view of myself. I've even come to the point of hating myself. which is the opposite of loving one's self. i don't think i love myself. so that's something to work on.

We're taught to love God, others and ourselves. Love keeps no record of wrongs. Yet i hold so many failures against myself. This lingering unhealthy guilt seems to cause my heart to ache everyday. I know i deserve wrath and punishment. Even tho I see God's grace available, i often figure i should punish myself. I reflect too much on my past mistakes, and it seems to dictate my mood in the present.. sometimes I feel like lady macbeth (minus the lady), where she's sleepwalking trying to wash blood stains off her hands again and again.  and yet her conscious jus can't seem to find rest.

I need to stop over analyzing and jus forgive my bad decisions of the past. That way i can focus on making better decisions for today and tomorrow. I look into myself too much and try to understand and fix everything. it drives me nuts. Instead of just seeing the negatives in life, i need to start thinking more positively. that's like telling a fish to breathe in air. but i know small steps in the right direction over time will help bring about healing, transformation and change.

I wonder how a lot of these bible characters received grace for themselves. A lot of them had some crazy sins and yet God still transformed them. God's grace seems to empower and liberate us from rotting in our despair. It comes down to a matter of trusting in God's grace. We actively need to trust and receive God's forgiveness. that's still hard for me to do.

Not forgiving ourselves, is essentially rejecting God's grace. We're saying that we don't truly believe that Jesus died for all our sins. Forgiveness actually frees the forgiver. By not forgiving ourselves, we are causing ourselves more harm. It's hard to forgive ourselves when someone hasn't forgiven us. As much as we try, there's nothing we can do to undo the past. However, we can choose in how we deal with it today. We can respond by interpreting our thoughts and feelings rightly. We can choose to live in defeat, condemnation, self hatred, depression, or we can choose to stand in the light of Christ. We can choose to be happy, content and satisfied in the freedom of God's grace.

I still hold a lot of anger towards myself. And it really doesn't do me any good. I believe God's grace overcomes our sin and guilt. Change is really hard apart from God. But by his power he helps us to change the way we view ourselves. Instead of harboring bitterness and contempt against ourselves, we must practice having compassion on ourselves. If we don't love ourselves, we really don't have much love to offer others.

God please help me to forgive myself. Thank you so much for your grace.