Crazy All the Time

i shouldn't be blogging. I have a 14 page paper due in 6 hours. It's on a 300pg book I was supposed to have read already for my Abnormal Psychology class. but i started yesterday and barely got a third read. i wish i started reading it sooner. It's not that i need to learn how to read, it's that i need to learn how to want to read. It's strange having different reading speed modes. Slow and super analytic comprehension, and super fast scanning for info speed. But now that i actually dove in the book, i actually find it to be super interesting. Mental disorders and counseling therapy theories in general are interesting to study. It's called, "Crazy All the Time: On the Psych Ward of Bellevue Hospital." by Dr. Frederick Covan. It's non fictional and follows Dr. Covan and his 3 new interns in a psych ward as well as their patients. It's interesting observing therapist interns learn, try new integrative methods, and develop a greater empathy towards patients.


"Sometimes what appears abnormal is a normal reaction to a crazy making situation."

"Suppressed feelings and desires are often the source of our obsessions, addictions and violent actions, ether against ourselves or others."

"It is that ability to see ourselves in others that enables us to forge the therapeutic alliance between us and our patients, which allows healing to begin to take place."

".. and you can do it if you are coming from a place where you really care about people. Then you listen and communicate your caring and compassion in a non-judgmental way."

"Part of my job, as i see it, is to get them to give up the search for a magic 'method' and to see the secret of effective psychotherapy lies within the psychotherapist as much as the method used."


Right now i feel squished on time. I almost never turn anything in late in regards to deadlines. If i don't get this paper in I'll basically get a C and have to retake the course. But if i do well then i pass with an A! It's weird how im honestly not more stressed and worried, i feel like i should be. I hate how much of school is based on performance. School it all about mastering study habits and memorizing stuff. I studied how to study. And there's actually quite a lot of tricks i didn't know. Using a specific light only to study or read helps condition a studying behavior. There's intervals like 20-25mins and then rewarding yourself with a break. Usually i'm way too distracted to concentrate, until i procrastinated as much as i can, and the fear of not doing well motivates me.

i also pulled an all nighter for a test on schizophrenia and related psychosis. And the test was all essay and straight up memorizing as much as you could about the schizophrenia and personality disorders. I ended up writing 7 pages single space for the test. I can't remember the last time i studied so hard for something. The teacher told the class she actually xeroxed my test for future reference cuz i did such an excellent job. it was one of those rare moments where i actually felt proud of myself for doing well on something.

It's bad when procrastinating and all nighters become a normality. ive always been nocturnal and can't function in mornings. It's a weird feeling knowing your mind is exhausted yet jacked up on an energy drink or coffee to counter balance the tiredness. Then sometimes i hit a level of delirium, which means i have no filter for racing thoughts and will usually talk a lot if someone is around willing to listen. getting 0-2hrs of sleep jus isnt good. then if im on the road and there's bad drivers, im so much more prone to road rage.

So in conclusion, running on a lack of sleep, having high levels of anxiety, and a fear of a huge final or paper is not good, lol. Future chris do not wait till the last minute to get stuff done. my teacher once said, "Sleep is a spiritual discipline, because when we don't get enough sleep, we're just not happy people to be around," lol. Procrastination isn't good, but i'm good at it, it makes me work so much more efficient.

I had a blog about wanting to push myself to be my best self. And sometimes when we push ourselves too hard, we get too exhausted and end up compromising or sacrificing our self care.

off topic
one thing i want to work on is greeting people better. I think greeting people properly is such a great skill. How does it feel when you walk into a room where maybe even a close friend doesn't really acknowledge or show any form of greeting. A smile, a handshake, a greeting can actually go a long way. I guess it's not so bad with people you know, but sometimes i think it's nice to greet strangers when appropriate. Like we stand in an elevator next to someone, or maybe on an airplane sitting next to someone, and we travel next to a stranger and don't even say a word. I mean usually it's ok, but is it because we're all that shy? Do we have that much social anxiety or lack of social skills? I had a friend who purposely was extra mindful to try and strike up a quick friendly convo with any cashier, because they're serving you and how can we just completely miss simple forms of edicate and treat them like a person instead of a robot. I find myself unable to strike up conversations sometimes, like when i get a haircut, and they ask me questions, and i keep thinking to myself, "dont ask them what they do." lol cuz theyre obviously cutting your hair. Strange how sometimes we connect and relate to some people much easier than with others. i admire my mom cuz she's good at making people feel comfortable and is good at socializing. As a dental hygienist, she doesn't just clean teeth, but purposely tries to learn and remember something about the patient to go beyond dental care.


Close people to me know that i was diagnosed with ulcerative colitus since 2009. I try not to tell people about it since i don't need sympathy or people worrying., i just try to suck it up and endure the pain. it sucks not being at your best health, i try so hard to not let it drag me down. Some days i want to go to the ER, but it's too expensive and troublesome.  My first gastroenterologist  said, "You must have the stomach of superman." because sometimes i refuse to be hospitalized when i should be. Imagine a baby alligator on fire inside u eating at your intestines all day. i've been pretty sick for the 18 months since this current flare up episode hasn't gone away. I'm on about 10-12 pills a day and they kinda havent helped much lately, except for more negative symptom side effects. So now they're gonna move me to getting injections. It's jus an annoyance having to do all theses surgeries again and again and medical test and all the doctor appointments. But i shouldn't complain, cuz know there's way worst things. compared to other illnesses, UC aint so bad. It's partly my fault since i don't maintain a more strict diet of food i need to avoid. I jus want this to go away already and be healthy. I dont see how people don't find medical insurance necessary. too risky and expensive if something does happen. great i wasted time blogging when i gotta do my stinkin paper. why cant i apply writing long blogs to writing papers right now..