finding your best self 1

How well do we know ourselves? What do we feel and think about ourselves? What does our inner voice say about ourselves? How do we treat ourselves? How do we treat others? Do we take care of ourselves? How were we raised? What have we learned? What things do we like and dislike about ourselves? What things could we improve on? How do we spend our time? What are your goals? What's important to you? What are you passionate about? What do you desire? What do you think about most? What do you dream about? What do you want to invest yourself in? How do we become more responsible? How do we grow in maturity, faith and virtues? How do you want your life to be? What things in us need to change? How do we change? How do we find our best self?


What separates those who are successful in accomplishing their goals and overcoming their obstacles compared to those who don't? Many people including myself, struggle to break their bad habits and create good habits. Some struggle to quit smoking, some battle alcoholism, or have a difficult time with losing weight and staying committed to their diet. maybe we have ill addictions or needs that we're ashamed of and don't want anyone to know about. Some bad habits might even include not doing something we ought to do.

I've had a bad habit of biting my nails. I know it's not the worst thing, but it's something i've been unable to stop. Both my parents always tell me to stop, and i respond, "i can't help it. How can I break an old habit i've had all my life?" I rationalize and make excuses. I say i've already tried numerous of things (including my mom's clear nail polish thing lol) and sometimes ill make small progress, but eventually all my efforts end up failing. so what's the point. maybe i should start wearing gloves lol. studies show it's a habit of perfectionist. it's an oral ocd disorder. ive wondered if it's because im anxious, hyperactive, or just like to keep my hands and mind occupied. maybe i dont like the feeling of nails, maybe im bored, maybe the act helps me to think better, whatever the roots are i just need to stop the bad habit.

Many of us recognize that we need change. What's scary are those who don't acknowledge that there's somethings they should try to change about themselves. Some people can be so oblivious to their bad habits, manners, or how they communicate with others. Some people would like to transform themselves but may not know how. And others may feel that they are just unable to do so. They feel powerless and feel like they don't have the means to change themselves.

Maybe we've done something the wrong way for too long. Maybe we didnt believe we could change. Maybe we've grown comfortable doing things improperly. Maybe its jus something we want to strive to be better at. Maybe it's a personality trait. Maybe it's an addiction. Maybe it's how we interact with others. Maybe it's a lifestyle. Maybe it's something we learned growing up. Maybe it's a way of thinking. Maybe it's a way of feeling. Maybe it's something to learn. Maybe it's something to let go. Maybe it's something to pursue. Maybe it's a lack of effort or quality. Maybe it's a lack of motivation. Maybe it's a lack of owning what we're responsible for. Whatever it is, i think  it takes wisdom to know what we can and cannot change. Although we possess a lot of influence, we cannot change others. Change really has to come from the individual. 

A lot of times i tell myself "I want to be more _____." or "I want to be a better ______." Yet i don't take proper actions, i compromise, and continue to make the same bad decisions. If you want to be healthier, what small steps can we do to make healthier choices?  If we want to be more responsible financially, what needs to change? what committed disciplines are needed to arrive at a certain outcome? Sometimes we need to identify wrong thought patterns and correct how we think. This in turn can change our behavior.

How do we see ourselves? How do we think about ourselves? Personally i come across a lot of self-defeating thoughts. I look at my ideal self and how i ought to be, and compare it to my real self. This gap can lead to negative emotions about ourselves. When we're not how we'd want to be, it's easy to withdraw from people, have harsh self-criticism, have feelings of guilt/shame or thoughts of worthlessness/ hopelessness. These thoughts and emotions can definitely affect our health and daily behavior. What strategy can help us to change the way we think about ourselves?Depression and anxiety really aren't that uncommon. I guess learning more about it is one of my ways of fighting back against it and also useful for helping others with similar struggles. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy plus antidepressant drug therapy is supposedly the best approach to overcoming depression.  I learned that i need to restructure my thoughts, and challenge my faulty negative thinking. Irrational beliefs lead to faulty conclusions. Here's some common examples..

1) all or nothing thinking - seeing things in only two categories, rather than on a continuum
2) jumping to conclusions - taking one observation and are sure it has only one implication
3) negative (or positive) fortune telling/ predictions  -pessimistic or optimistic without recognizing other possible outcomes
4) discounting the positive   - unreasonably discount positive actions/ qualities
5) emotional reasoning - thinking something is true because you feel it's true, regardless of facts/ evidence
6) labeling - labeling yourself or someone else in a negative way without really considering the whole person
7) mind reading - you are sure you know what others are thinking
8) self deluding thinking  - telling yourself things you do not really believe at other times
9) dysfunctional unhelpful rules - mandating what you or others must/ must not do without considering circumstances
10) irrelevance -linking two unrelated concepts
11) exaggeration - make a sweeping statement on the basis of a small set of data

What's the situation?
What's our thoughts/ emotions?
Challenging faulty beliefs
Identifying the thinking mistake
Alternative thoughts
Replacing and Arriving at new truths Outcome Expectation is believing that certain actions will lead to a certain outcome. For instance we may believe if we study for X amount of hours we'll do well on a test. But many of us doubt our ability to perform what it takes. If I exercise and do an hour of cardio a day we believe we'll lose that extra weight.

Efficacy Expectation is believing that we can perform the actions that will bring about a particular outcome of change or success. Believing that I can study for X amount of hours. Believing that I can exercise and do cardio daily. Believing that I can rise up to the challenge and accomplish my goals. Those who don't believe they have the means or have what it takes to achieve their goals will most likely give up. This fear paralyzes. They have the mentality of "I can't", "It's too hard." or, "I'm not capable."

I used to love to exercise and hit the gym everyday. I used to love pushing myself past my limits. I would usually walk into the basketball gym and hours would fly by. I would try to do as many laps in the pool as i could. Then somewhere, i slowly lost passion for it all. I think it's partly due to the loss of gym partners. Exercise is much more fun when you have a workout buddy. Activities without much social interaction jus seem kinda boring to me. I recently did some quick research on workout motivation. Most of the time i just don't feel like torturing my body and putting it in pain and getting sweaty lol. Why not stay in pajamas and sleep in a comfortable bed or grab a snack and watch a movie instead?

So i decided to try and change myself, and study what sort of things i need to do. The most important key i found was called having an Internal Locus of Control. This applies to so many areas of life in my opinion. Let's see if i can explain it right. Basically, it's believing that we can control our outcomes. It's the belief that we posses the power to improve ourselves and change our behavior. This applies to health, work, and succeeding in our goals. Rather than an External Locus of Control, where we're the victim to outside forces and don't have control of change. Sure there are things that are completely out of our control, but i think we undermine how much is in our control.

I've met many people who want to change but feel helpless, they feel their efforts are futile. it's called Learned Helplessness. It's basically a fancy term for giving up. Perhaps there was a situation where we had no control to improve the situation. Then we apply this to other areas of our life thinking that we don't have control or influence in our life. This often leads to depression. They think, "well there's nothing i can do, so why try." They just accept the way they are and find ways to cope with it. This is fairly common with elderly retired folks. they apply this feeling of helplessness to things where they actually can take responsibility of. In fact, in a study, those who took care of a plant generally showed much more improvement then those who had someone else take care of the plant for them.

There's a sense of pessimism that comes with an external locus of control, they believe they're just too weak, and any effort they try will just result in failure. In short, people with an Internal locus of control believe that they posses the willpower to overcome obstacles and challenges. They also generally tend to have better health and are more ambitious, but of course there's pros and cons to each. For a long time, i think i lived with a external locus of control. There were things i couldn't change or fix. I felt like i was just running into a wall and making things worst. So eventually you stop trying, you give up, and already feel defeated when it comes to applying ourselves in other areas of our life.  

Sometimes I manifest my challenges and problems into something physical. I see life like a giant rocky mountain. Or i see moods of depression as a giant dragon. There are times when i don't believe i have what it takes to overcome these challenges. Sometimes i look up the mountain and say, I don't want to even try, i don't want to work, i want to quit school, it's too hard, life just isn't fair, i can't do it, ill jus lie here on the ground.. blah blah complain complain, and i become a hostage to my own negative thoughts.. There are some times where i feel like a coward and paralyzed by fear. I let my emotions and thoughts control me. Instead of taking steps towards healing, sometimes i let the hurt of my past consume and disable me. And then there are times where i refuse to let my thoughts and emotions get the best of me. I fight back, chain up the dragon and slay it. we need to look up that rocky mountain and say, ok, I'm going to conquer you no matter what it takes. Believing in ourselves is much more powerful then we think. 

When i was young, i remember i was in the car with my dad. He said to me, "You can do and accomplish anything you want to as long as you put your mind to it." I remember him saying something like, "You have the ability and potential to succeed. You just need to use your mind and apply it." Something like that. He tells me, "If change is in your control, why worry? If change isn't in your control, why worry?" And then my mom drowns me with, "i love you no matter what. I just want you happy and healthy" and yet also encourages me to be my best. I think i'd be so lost without them.

I'm honestly not a big labron james fan, but i just watched a documentary of him growing up and he deserves the respect. In elementary school his teacher asked the class to write down 3 things that you want to do when you grow up. His list was, 1) NBA 2) NBA 3) NBA. He wrote it down three times, and felt like nothing was going to stop him. In high school, there was a team that they beat before and when they played them again, they underestimated them, and labron's team lost in an upset. Everyone was shocked. Labron told everyone, "i'm gonna take a couple weeks off, i'm gonna work harder then i ever worked before, so when i come back, i'm never gonna have this feeling again."

When i look at those who train hard and want to be great, failure doesn't stop them. They get back up and fight harder. They're dedicated, and willing to put as much work as it takes to be their best. Those who work the hardest want it the most. Again this not only applies to athletics, arts and music, but also in personality, careers and relationships. What is it that you want to be great at?

Mm this probably doesn't direct relate, but i found it a bit inspiring. In the news, kelly clarkson gained a lot of weight from having a child, and she got criticized by people on twitter. (side note.. anytime i hear the name kelly clarkson, i get "since youve been gone" stuck in my head for like a day..) Other known artist refused to sing with her and declined doing duets with her, jus cuz she didn't lose pregnancy weight yet.. Jimmy Fallon then asked her to sing with him on his show. And i read that she really didn't care what others thought about her. She already found a secure identity in knowing herself, she's happy with herself and loving her family, so other people's comments just weren't important to her. I like that she was able to contradict how our culture emphasizes appearances and all that jazz. I guess sometimes it's easy to find ourselves too concerned with what others might think of us. And to an extent we should, but i think most of us worry about it too much. People don't tell us who we should or shouldn't be. i think i can kind of see when a person is secure in themselves. Usually they aren't easily embarrassed and are confident in just being themselves.

I watched a movie called, "Whiplash." It's about a drummer guy who wants to be one of the greats. His teacher pushes him way pass his limits and basically emotionally abuses him with insults like a drill sergeant. There was a scene where Andrew asks the teacher Fletcher that what if he's perhaps too hard on teaching people.

Andrew: "But is there a line? You know maybe.. you go too far, you discourage next Charlie Parker from ever becoming the next Charlie Parker?"

Fletcher: "No man, no. The next Charlie Parker would never be discouraged."

What is it that separates those who are truly great and those who settle for mediocrity? There was one motivational speaker that talked about success. I remember he said that a lot of people just "kind of want it." The people that really want to be successful will lose sleep, they'll sacrifice time from other aspects of their life. One guy asked a guru dude how he can truly be successful. The old guru guy took him out to the ocean, and dunked this boy's head in the water so he couldn't breathe. The man finally let the boy up and he was gasping for air. The man then said, "You won't get success, until you want it more than air."

I guess some of these examples are a bit extreme. But i think there's something about pursuing after something, wanting to become the best you can be, to become more than just average at whatever skill, craft, or job that you do. I'm not saying i want to strive to be the best athlete or musician in the world, but there are a lot of disciplines i would like to become better at.

Have you ever met someone who works really hard? Maybe they pull two jobs, or maybe they work way more hours than others. If you ask them why they work so hard, a lot of them will respond "because I have to, i don't have a choice." I didnt have to work nearly as hard as my grandparents or parents. Previous generations have worked much harder. Many have even gone through the hardship of war. I feel a little spoiled growing up in America. No, i actually feel really spoiled. i feel fortunate that my parents provided for me, but perhaps they give me too much. for the most part i think i have it pretty easy. If you think about it we basically have enough food, the comforts and safety of home, and all sorts of luxuries that tons of other people don't have. I feel like there's a lot of responsibilities that im really not good at handling. When i think about becoming an independent and a self sufficient adult, i get kind of intimidated. no one really teaches us how to handle money.

I talked to one guy who was dealing with homosexuality. He blamed and cursed God for making him the way he was, and he felt there was absolutely nothing he could do, and not even God could help him. I think there are issues where genetics and biology can play a role. But also we need to take into account how we were raised and the factors of our experiences. I believe with God's help, no matter how far off we are, change is still possible. God gives us a certain amount of power to be responsible of. For the things we cannot change, God helps us live and cope with them.

There was a time where i felt like i couldn't change. I carried pain and regrets of the past that i know i definitely could not change. My thoughts would dwell on problems that i couldnt seem to fix. I wasn't able to take back and change my bad decisions. I wanted to change myself and become someone different. I didn't like myself. For a time i believe i hated myself. I felt hopeless, hurt, and depressed. I lost all willingness to fight. I didn't want to do anything or go out or talk to anyone. I saw the world through pessimistic eyes. I thought there was nothing i could do. But that was wrong. I could take steps to let go of the past, take steps towards healing, and create or become the person i want to be.

People won't change, until they choose to fight. People must want to heal and want to get better before they can. I struggled with a lot of self doubt. I had no confidence in myself. But i think there's a point where you become ready to get back on your feet. A point where you have to relearn to love yourself, and believe that you can change.

In an anime called Naruto, there are a few characters that stick out to me. It's basically the best anime ever, ive been following it ever since high school days, and it's still going. The main character was basically an outcast and had no friends, no one cared about him, and he had a low self esteem, mainly because he had an evil fox demon in him, lol poor guy. Eventually with the support of others he finds strength from working with others and making friendships. There's a lot of characters similar to naruto, and you see them take a dark path towards destruction. There's one episode where naruto's evil side comes out to confront him. He realized that he struggled to completely believe in himself. He also then confronts the evil nine tails fox and makes friends with him and converts him to a good fox sorta lol.

 In the Legend of Korra, Korra also has to confront this evil side of her that has a negative self talk. In these two examples, they not only need to overcome their self doubt and negative self, they also need to trust the support of their friends. Another quality worth mentioning is that those who strive to better themselves also help to better others around them too.

In naruto there's a character named Rock Lee, and he doesn't have ninjitsu or genjitsu ninja technique abilities. He's at a disadvantage from the others. But he trains in taijitsu which is basically a lot of physical training. He is always seen training, or doing his best to overcome the odds. He is constantly striving to improve himself by training really hard. There's another character Hinata, who is always second compared to her half brother Neji. Neji is a genius, faster, stronger and more skillful in fighting. But she gets inspired by naruto to not give up and to get strong to protect her clan. im sure u can probably think of other movie heroes or real life examples.

lol i hate just using anime examples, but it's kinda what ive been watching lately. There's an anime i jus finished binge watching called Full Metal Alchemist Brotherhood. I had friends telling me to watch it for so long. Anyways, the main characters are Ed and his brother Al. Their mother dies, and they try to bring her back using alchemy. but they fail and Al ends up losing his body, but his soul gets trapped in a suit of armor. The story plot is super good, and the main boss bad guy splits himself into the seven deadly sins. So lust, greed, gluttony, sloth, envy, wrath and pride manifest into really interesting characters. such good character development.

Anywayyys, the reason i bring up Full Metal Alchemist Brotherhood is because you see how Ed is willing to do anything and everything to get his brother's body back. He finds out a philosopher stone can bring his brother back, but the stone is made up of thousands of human souls, so he searches for another way. He's willing to fight, endure obstacles, overcome bad odds and any opposition. He's willing to sacrifice his life to protect the things most valuable to him. And i guess that's the same courage and determination i'd like to have.

I think i recently had to confront myself in how i see myself. Instead of seeing myself as weak, pathetic or as a failure, i need to start believing in myself. Sometimes i look for the easy way out, or how to put the bare minimum effort to get something done quickly, or ill make excuses to avoid things. We tend to avoid things we dont think we're good at or just don't want to do. Sometimes we get anxiety in social situations cuz we're afraid others wont accept or like us. I think even our happiness is in our control. There'll be challenging times when our willpower to fight and overcome trials is low, but i think in every situation there's a way to respond in faith. Suffering and hardship are inevitable, but we i believe God can help us persevere, heal and grow.

In working out, often times, hitting failure is good. It means we hit our limits. Some people call it the pain barrier, that's where you really gotta dig deep to push yourself the extra few reps even though you're dead tired. Failure is often part of success. It can help us to grow stronger or to learn a lesson. Someone asked kobe, "don't you get discouraged when you miss a shot?" He responds, "No, i just start thinking about the next shot." Labron says, "You know, when you fall and you fail so many times, you kinda gotta look yourself in the mirror and say 'Well what are you gonna do about it?'"

I think this concept of striving to be our best, even applies to daily things like yard work, laundry, time management, health, nutrition, exercising, and how we go about work or school,. Sometimes i think just taking care of our health is hard enough. Ask yourself what are the 2-3 things you would really like to invest in and become good at. Who do you want to become? What's important to you? When i think of 2 or 3 things I really want to become good at, they all relate to relational skills. How can i grow closer to God? How can i love/ serve others and have higher integrity? How can i foster counseling/ pastoral care skills to help others better? The first step towards these is believing in myself. i think a lot of us wish we could just magically change over night. But most things are a delayed gratification and take many hours of fostering this skill or virtue. I'm learning that sometimes making small and easy to accomplish goals really helps me to believe in myself. Instead of saying, I'm going to lose 10 pounds in two months, maybe you can say, right now i'm gonna put my shoes on and take a 20 minute walk. Achieving easy short term goals helps us grow in our self confidence in our ability to apply ourselves.

Besides hard work, dedication, belief in our self, bouncing back from failure, positive self talk, and self discipline, i think i forgot to mention two other aspects. I think we've all made strong efforts to change ourselves, but somewhere down the line we lost either accountability and consistency. Without those two we often compromise and weaken in our desire for change. Making life changes isn't easy and i don't think we're meant to do them alone. When we pursue goals with friends, we're often able to push ourselves further and enjoy what we're pursuing. iron sharpens iron. And even though we may not be that satisfied with where we're at, we must remember that we are a work in progress.