Pursuit

A friend from cali came to visit hawaii for a week. Usually not seeing someone for a long time really weakens a friendship. When you live farther away, you're just less involved in each other's life. And eventually communication becomes obsolete. And i think that's a typical pattern, unless both friends make it a point to actually keep in touch. But i think life long friends sorta stand out to you. Even if you go for months without talking, they're still people you value and care about.

Anyways, i feel like i got to be some what of a host in playing tourist guide around hawaii. Most tourist just stay in waikiki, and it gets super crowded and congested that most locals kinda know to stay away from all the traffic there. but i noticed a lot of tourist are beginning to branch farther away and towards other places. There's quite a lot in hawaii we take for granted. When people think of hawaii, people first think about the beaches. We probably have the best beaches in the world and yet I feel like i never really take full advantage of that. Then there's the food. Everywhere we drove i would point out, oh you should try that place etc. And then pointing out stuff in a direction that people really don't care about. Oh my so-and-so lives there, and this is where my so-and-so works, blah blah, and they look out and are like, "oh.. cool.," lol.



Indirectly, i found spending a day with my friend and her son quite rejuvenating. She's kind of been like an older sister, but seems more like a third mom to me. We had a few classes together back in seminary since my first year there. Just one of those friends who easily understand and relate to me. We became good friends quickly because there's a good balance of give and take, she easy to talk to and makes others feel comfortable. There's like this invisible force where you know that person genuinely cares and has your best interest in mind. She always kind of makes it a point to make sure i'm happy and doing well. So anyways, she brought up a bible verse she's been thinking about.

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like someone running aimlessly; I do not fight like a boxer beating the air. No, I strike a blow to my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize." - 1 Cor. 9:24-27 NIV

"Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may win. Everyone who competes in the games exercises self-control in all things. They then do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. Therefore I run in such a way, as not without aim; i box in such a way, as not beating the air; but I discipline my body and make it my slave, so that, after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified."  - 1 Cor. 9:24-27 NASB

I like the use of the different words in the two translations. it also reminded me of,

"Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your toil is not in vain in the Lord." - 1 Cor. 15:58

Christianity and our relationship with God is a marathon. Often, i feel like i'm just sitting on the ground while everyone is running in the race. I either don't feel spiritually strong/ well enough or just feel spiritual apathy and dryness. Paul describes training, and pursuing after Christ with passion and purpose. John describes this lukewarmness where Christians are just aloof, apathetic, and not purposeful in living for Christ.

I believe the prize Paul talks about is Christ himself and this deeper relationship with God. But often we don't put much effort or have a lack of responsibility. Somewhere down the line, our relationship with God seems to fall down the priority ladder. Is it because of a lack of faith? maybe. or maybe it's just a kind of spiritual idleness, maybe my mind is just too cluttered with worrying about money and other stuff. Speaking for myself, i feel like i lack the self-discipline and self-control to chase after God. I used to be much more passionate, but not i feel like i am "running aimlessly" instead of really growing in righteousness and pursuing God wholeheartedly.

1 Timothy 4:8 has also been on my mind, "For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come." I feel like we ought to train ourselves in godliness. but that sounds so metaphysical and abstract. how exactly do we grow in this righteous character? and i think it comes down to a relational transformation. 

There were times in my life where God's presence just felt a lot more pressing. Perhaps in the midst of pain or suffering I feel much more desperate to commune with God. Sometimes it feels like he takes a step back, in order for our faith to grow. And i guess i just haven't really been as close to God as i'd like lately. I feel like i never spend enough time with God, except when he truly is first and the center of life, which kinda seems rare if you know what i mean. Even if there is this gap between my real and ideal self, at least it's good to know you're striving towards a better self. By no means am i operating as my best self, but i think it's a process.. a pursuit.
I woke up in the middle of night and had a talk with God. i guess i had some built up anger and tried to blame God for some things that i know are truly my fault. lol i always lose my arguments against God, he's always right, just and holy. But sometimes it's good to just release how we might really feel and talk it out with Him. I felt like a little kid complaining to his dad how life can be really challenging and too hard. I felt like he was there to just listen and know that he understood. I feel so far away from my ought-self or ideal-self. And then i realized i'm not angry at God, i'm still angry towards myself for not being more disciplined and committed to this faith i profess. In wrestling with God, i found how much i was really wrestling with myself. i was upset that i allowed myself to be so absent from God. I drift far away without even realizing it. I end up turning to other idols to cope or try to fill myself. Sometimes i feel incredibly immature. How do i forget such a loving God? why do i even have to remind myself of God's love?

what would it be like to embrace the fullness of God? what if i were more passionate, how would i be? I used to fall asleep singing worship songs. worship was exciting, joyful and often a tune of my heart. i used to sing "Jesus Lover of my Soul" daily. It's been the title of my blog. but then how did i get here? how have i been so distracted? having orthodox theology and not living obediently to it is useless. spending time with God a few moments a day shouldnt be challenging, but sometimes it is. 

Not being in scripture and prayer for so long makes us grow numb. We become ignorant and not even concerned with our relationship with God. I remember a sermon i heard many years ago about how there's five A's that get in the way. A wrong perspective of these can definitely lead us in the wrong direction or be a big distraction in what we truly live for. 

The 5 A's are Affluence, Achievement, Acceptance, Appearance and... Authority..? anyways, I feel like these things have sorta distracted me internally. I find myself overly concerned what others might think of me. We can get so concerned with our image and how others see us. In a way, i feel like i don't have much to show for, and maybe i feel a little embarrassed or shameful. Usually these 5 A's are in a sense of pride, and a "Hey look at me and how well i'm doing" mentality.In my case it's the opposite, "no please don't look at me."

Affluence is like... wealth and the things we own. everything i have has really jus been given to me, it's not like i worked hard to live in a house or drive a car. Sometimes i feel spoiled. my parents do so much for me, and i sometimes feel like i failed at independent living and still rely on them too much.

Achievement, besides being in school for 21 years and surviving, i don't have much i feel like i've achieved, there's so much more i wish i could achieve. I think sometimes we let our careers define our identity too much. anyways, there's shame for not being successful as i'd like to be.

Acceptance .. I feel like i'm usually reflecting back on past times where i did have more friends. I don't really feel accepted, mainly because I choose not to surround myself with too many people. I think i have social anxiety or shyness to a certain degree, at least when it comes to people i don't know well.

Appearance,  i'm surprised this category actually does affect me. I used to not really care what i looked like in terms of superficial looks. but then again i'm no longer in my prime. Our culture elevates appearance pretty high. I've been drugged up on pills and did gain like 10 pounds, and it's not like i've been hitting the gym much. its interesting how even jus some acme is enough to make us not want to interact with people. 

Authority, ( i think this was one of the A's lol) i guess this refers to power, control or influence over others. Which i'm not too concerned with. Maybe a little in terms of wanting to teach. sometimes it's nice to have some authority.

sometimes i think, what if i were the last man on earth. how important would those things be? The bottom line is that too often i get caught up in pursuing these or making these 5 A's my identity rather than in Christ. Affluence: "Look what I have" Achievement" "Look what i've accomplished" Acceptance: "Look at my social status or how popular i am" Appearance: "Look at my good looks." Authority: "Look at my power." It's not like i have much pride in these areas, like i said, I feel more embarrassed like i don't have much to show for. And i guess i can see how i can fall into wanting to having more of these things. But these 5 A's are what the world values and looks at on the outside. We can easily and wrongly attribute our self-worth to these things.

What if our identity was more rooted in Christ. Wouldn't we feel much more secure? What if our confidence and pride was in Christ instead? Affluence: "God blesses us and provides for us," Achievement: "Look where we used to be and how we've grown or how God helped us overcome challenges. Acceptance: "God takes us as we are, nothing we have to do to earn God's love and acceptance." Appearances : "God looks at our heart" Authority: "God is our authority, and we're called to be faithful stewards and witnesses to bless others. In these two different perspectives, we can see which is directed upon tryin to bring glory to ourselves, and which is more glory to God and having our identity secure in Him.

 Run in such a way to get the prize.