I like to think that I can handle stress pretty well. But lately, i've been starting to question that. I can definitely feel when i start to build up stress. It's not good to hold it all in. This is why exercise is such a good therapeutic outlet for me. But the past few days I've been so tired, all you want to do is knock out..
"This book of the law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it; for then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have success. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." -Joshua 1:8-9
...
I was thinking about what qualities I admire in others. Sometimes you briefly come across someone and you can tell polished they are. You can see their high level of confidence in how they hold themselves. Like people who are 100% confident in just being themselves. Usually, I feel a bit awkward in social situations. Sometimes I just don't know what to say or do. So a lot of the times I just say nothing because I'm all caught up in my head and observing. I never really thought I dealt with anxiety that much, but u know, my entire life i had a habit of shaking my leg, grinding my teeth at night, and biting my nails. And sometimes i can tell my body is fidgeting and tense. I think that maybe, my body unconsciously is trying to comfort or cope with stress. Like I wouldn't be surprise if I get sick soon. Do I really burn out faster than others? Do I not handle stress as well as others? Sometimes u see other people do the same exact thing in a much harder way, and yet they aren't complaining.
So besides seeing compassion and confidence in others, I think the skill or attribute that I would like to grow in is Resilience. Other people refer to it as grit, or sticktoitiveness. The ability to face adversity, hardship and stress and still being able to tread forward with optimism and a positive attitude. Lately, I've been having to use more of my coping skills. I took a class about health and stress management. Avoiding stress at all cost basically isn't the answer. But it's being able to practice stress relieving techniques. Stress and negative thoughts definitely affect our holistic health. Stress and anxiety not dealt with properly can really affect our body. I can literally feel the stress in my back and shoulders right now. GUHHH.. it's like an anxiety monkey clawing on my back. I wish i could just sit in a hot tub right now. oh and so my water heater broke this week. that was a pain in the butt. but now its fixed. omygosh, u never appreciate hot showers more then when u don't have it.
So how exactly does one grow in resilience? How do you keep fighting with resolve when you feel like you're out of energy? I think we need to train ourselves to handle a variety of stress. I really think exercise helps build the confidence to be able to control and manage stress. There's a lot of good breathing techniques that I know work for me. There's this one that I've been trying out lately that involves taking deep breaths while having one of your fingers touch your other palm. And then you count 1, and say a color, breathe, count 2, and say a color, and so on. And there's something about that, that helps me reset. Just taking deep breaths really helps. I can tell when stress is really getting to me. Other techniques include forms of meditation and prayer. Oh and visualizing a peaceful place. Also repeating a phrase or word. sometimes ill jus say, "Relax" over and over. It's like trying to hypnotize yourself till you listen to the command or suggestion. sometimes repeating the word, "confidence" actually makes me a lot more confident.
One of the main stressors for me is traffic. Traffic in Hawaii is one of the worst in America. And our traffic isn't getting better. It's not just traffic, I think it's driving in general. I used to be pretty calm and just chill out to some music. But there's so many bad drivers. There's so many laws and rules to obey. There's people all over. Then there's running late while being stuck going no where. I probably spend about 3 hours a day just driving to town and back. There's a lot of chill trap on youtube, and there's something about trap music that just always makes me feel better.
Another issue i still need to work on is how to sleep early. if ur sleep schedule is off.. everything feels off. I feel like i've never gotten along with early mornings. but me and the night are best friends. it's so peaceful at night. My mind is actually most active when it's quiet at night. The mornings, it's all about rush, rush, rush. Wake up, get ready, get dressed, and do everything fast so u can sit in traffic and not be late. Like.. bruh.. can't we jus sleep in and wake up whenevas, drink a smoothie, eat some bacon and eggs and watch some cartoons instead? bruhhhhh let's jus take it eaasssyy, no need go work. brah too sweaty.
So in regards to my career path I've finally left my job I had for 2 years. 2 years is really the longest I've had a job. There were a lot of good things about it. It was comfortable. I was competent and I had my desk and space. I had everything I needed in the office. It wasn't too stressful. I'll definitely miss several aspects of it. But I've been sensing that it was time to move on. I accepted a new job in town. This feels like the start of a new chapter. And I'm trying to prepare myself to be ready to work hard without burning out. I know this will be pretty challenging for me, but in faith I think God is leading me in this direction, even if it's difficult.
This new place involves case management and mental health counseling. It helps people dealing with depression, anxiety, homelessness, schizophrenia, bi-polar illness, and dual diagnosis disorders that usually involve chemical dependency / substance abuse. No matter how hard my life can seem at times, it's really nothing compared to the suffering and hardship that others have and are going through. Some folks really just have the backpack on their shoulders. It reminds me how fortunate I really am and how there are always people who are in need of help. I met someone who was homeless and they're my age. And because of really bad circumstances, they're basically living a much more challenging life day to day compared to me. It's kind of crazy how everything in this world is about money. Money issues are another huge stressor. just talkin about debt and all stresses me out.
In order to take care of others, u really first need to have your own self-care. Self-care is so important. Otherwise you just don't have the space or energy to offer care to others. So it's definitely gonna require my A-game and the best version of myself. It will hopefully help me collect the 3000 hours I need to get licensed in mental health. I'm partly excited to dive into the mental health counseling field and helping others, but at the same time I sense that it's gonna require a lot of hard work. This is really the time for me to buckle down and just start saving up as much as I can. bruhhh financial problems are the worst, and I really need to get all that in order. I feel so stupid for wasting so much money in the past. I should've been smart and invested it for the future. I see how hard my parents worked to provide everything for me. I feel like I need to prove to myself that I'm capable of working hard too. but sometimes i really wish there was an easy mode for life. So i can just party in my pajamas all day.
God help me to deal with stress. Help me to not worry so much. help me grow in patience and perseverance. Help me to let go and no stress. Fill me with your peace.
__________________________
Sometimes I feel like my greatest strength is to think critically. I'm good at strategizing and analyzing. I also like games that involve trying to read or predict your opponents next move. There's just something about being able to read someone that gets me all excited. I think i seek to understand myself and just human behavior in general. When we uncover why, things just sorta make more sense. Like tons of stuff can be explained by tracing back to their home of origin and upbringing.
Sometimes it's frustrating when I can't calculate or predict certain outcomes. Sometimes I purposely need to try really hard to just relax and not think too hard about anything. I find my thoughts wandering, questioning my choices, and seeking to find a deeper sense of myself. I find myself dreaming and stepping into fictional worlds. I also feel like I'm constantly trying to push towards uncovering a stronger version of myself. Then I guess the "id" within me is trying to hold onto the child within me that just wants to play and be silly. I think I know what it's like to be surrounded by a bunch of a friends and also what it's like to feel alone. And so i'm constantly fighting that I don't end up alone. Because no one really wants to be alone.
People know me as a quiet introverted guy. And that's true, partly because I'm constantly filtering my thoughts and wondering how and if I should say things or not. It causes me a little internal anxiety because I don't always know if I should just blurt out how I truly feel or bite my tongue till another opportunity to when I might be able to better articulate my thoughts. In chess, there's natural patterns and traps that you can play quickly by just going with the flow. But I feel like really deep chess players would much rather have no time limit to let them ponder all the various possibilities to compare them with each other. Basically, I'm trying to practice just not thinking so hard, and just letting my thoughts go through into my speech regardless of if it comes out a little unpolished. I hafta get out of my head!
Another thing i realized about myself, is that i try to hard to clarify myself. It's why my blogs are so long and wordy. I probably over elaborate or repeat myself just to make sure i'm thorough and complete in my thought that i'm trying to communicate, to make sure that everyone understands the words and ideas that i want to share in a specific and accurate way so that it's not misunderstood or misinterpreted to mean something I'm not trying to express. know what i mean? i feel like mojojojo. he jus wanted to be understood.
Came across this video. it has to do with the 16pf test. I took it like 3-4 times. It's about types of personalities. I'm pretty sure i'm INTJ.. Introverted, Intuitive, Thinking, Judging. But like a lot of my scores are usually close to the middle, which is good because it means you can adapt and perceive things in different ways. blah blah blah. But yeah, some of this stuff is definitely true about me. I realized that my mom is INFP.. and that makes a lot of sense now.. My dad is ESTJ, like the complete opposite. I'm basically a mix of them. And i think this is why a lot of my scores are usually close to the middle line, which is a good thing because that means that I can really jump between these polar differences in personality. Like just cuz ur an introvert doesn't mean u don't have any extrovert qualities. But some ppl might be way more on one side than the other. It just shows our preference. Although I think i'm more on the thinking side, i'm also close to the feeling side too. Again there's a lot that isn't true for everyone, but I found it pretty interesting to study.
No comments:
Post a Comment