Listen to Your Heart
There were a lot of singing contest shows on tv recently. I watched the finale of "Listen to Your Heart." There were three couples at the end. One couple decided to drop out in the last episode. The dude told the girl, "I just don't know if I can get there." He could've easily faked his feelings to do the performance coming up. They had really great voices. but in his heart he couldn't live with himself if he did that. They could've won and got more fame, but he knew he didn't want to be disingenuous, and needed to be straight up honest. Mad props to that guy, the couple arguably had the best duel vocals.
Then the last two couples performed two songs each. They were really good. The judges rated them on their performance and dynamic romantic chemistry. Even though they were both really good, one couple ended up doing better and they'll be going on a country tour to perform. although that tour is probably canceled cuz of this darn virus affecting our whole world. In the end, it isn't really the competition.
One girl mentioned, "really, we've already won." because the point wasn't necessary to win the singing /performing contest, but to find their life partner. But then after the season ended, i heard that the second place couple broke up. The guy turned out to be kind of a douchebag even though he seemed really suave on tv.
A First Date
Ok kiddos. huddle around. grab the popcorn. It's story time with Old Man Chur. It's a bit juicy. not even my lovely stalker knows this one! of course i'd consider April 25th the perfect date.
Your old man Chur once used a dating app and began having a conversation with a girl. Within a day or two of talking, this girl asked if he wanted to meet up, and perhaps go for a Taco Tuesday. Old man Chur agreed and was a bit shocked since no one has really suggested or offered that so quickly.
Your old man did not go on many dates before. nope not many at all. So since this girl was forward, he said sure. It doesn't hurt to make another friend, and who knows? He agreed to meet her after he got off work. He arrived at the spot around restaurants and waited. I was a bit nervous meeting someone I didn't really know well.
The girl arrived. we sat on a bench for a while. She had very nice eyes. don't worry keep listening. cuz that's about all she had going for her. (not to be mean, but yeah that's bout it.) They strolled to some bar that had a Taco Tuesday. The tacos happened to be quite good. She was a nurse and used to be a bartender. She ordered a drink, and I don't really drink alcohol. like really hardly ever. I was upfront about that, but decided to get a beer and take 3-4 sips. I didn't like it. She didn't want me to waste it and drank it.
She talked, he mostly listened, your old man could not find any real commonalities or similar interest. She talked a lot about different drinks. A little about her work. I remember feeling at least comfortable to be talking to her naturally. I continued to try and be my best self. I asked a round of questions to get to know her, I shared a bit about myself, but the conversation felt bland and honestly uninteresting. I tried to stay curious and positive. She didn't seem that curious to get to know me. At least the tacos were good.
Chris decided.. wait.. back up.. I mean your Old Man Chur (gotta keep it for continuity reasons.) decided to treat her for dessert as well.. so they walked to a close by shave ice place. mm shave ice. On their way, your Old Man Chur pointed and said, "Hey over there, across the street right there's my church!" she then talked about her roommate, who was a Christian guy. she said, "He keeps having Bible studies and invites Christian friends from his church over for these darn bible studies. I swear, if I hear one more f**king thing about Jesus I'm gonna break!" Something along those lines. I said in my inner thoughts.. Hm that's interesting. kind of a huge red flag n big turn off, i think i see absolutely zero future with this girl. aint gonna be no second date. Apparently she was an Atheist.
And this is why i think it's important for Christians to only even consider dating Christians. But your old man Chur continued to be friendly and took her to the shave ice place. They were closed. So he treated her to some ice cream. The ice cream happened to be really good! Well i mean when is it not right?.. anyways.. the two sat outside, it was still daylight. this is like the first sort of date setting your Old Man Chur had in several years, so just the fact that I was having a conversation eating ice cream getting to know someone of the opposite gender kinda felt nice.
The only thing he could remember that he liked about her, was that she had nice eyes. But girl u is gonna need much more than jus nice eyes to win your Old Man Chur. I ain't dat easy.. (i'm not too far out of reach, realistically obtainable but enough of a challenge, somewhere just right.)
There was no connection at all. it was like watching a tv show that you have no interest in, u minus well save yo time n just turn the tv off or change the channel. He struggled to find ways of keeping the conversation interesting. She had an interest in hiking, so she talked about that. Cool. could only stretch that so much. He already knew this wasn't right or going anywhere. But hey, it doesn't hurt to have a friend he thought. deep down he didnt think it would even turn out to be a friendship. literally had no connection. she was at least open to sharing about herself and she was a little bubbly or peppy. She was nice-ish. and sometimes having people who can talk fills the air. I don't think she found me very interesting either. She didn't really seem intrigued to ask much about myself. I can't remember what she was talking about, but it was obvious we disconnected on many levels. She said she had a nice time, gave me a quick hug and we went our separate ways. Neither of us reached out after that day. And that was fine with me. at least the tacos were good.
Kids. that day I learned what I wasn't looking for. I learned the value of waiting to meet the right one. Don't just fall for pretty eyes. Don't ever settle for less. Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. I've had friends who would say, bro you need to lower your standards or you'll never find anyone. maybe you have too many expectations of what you're looking for. maybe you're too picky. As I got older.. i thought, hmm maybe, idk.. i dont want to be alone forever so maybe that makes some sense.
I remember a pastor once saying, "instead of looking for the right gal, you should be more focused on becoming the right man. A man after God's own heart." That stuck with me.
I remember another conversation with a friend, and he said, "nah brah, never settle. don't compromise yourself. If you know what you want, keep looking for that. shes out there." I'm glad I never settled. I'm glad it never worked out with past avenues. If they were to turn into long term serious relationships, the reality is I probably never would have found you. I would of been exchanging what God had been preparing for us, for something less. Sometimes we find a little pond and settle. When God says, wait, I have a huge ocean in store for you! I have so much more I want to bless you with. good things, nay.. The best things in life are worth waiting for and fighting for.
"A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies
Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value
She brings him good, not harm,
All the days of her life"
-Proverbs 31:10-12
I think one of the roots to my depression was struggling with singleness for so long. It was frustrating why God couldn't just bring whoever he had in mind in my life already. I would pray, "God please bring this person into my life, I really want to meet her. Or am I destined to stay alone forever?" Co-workers tried to set me up with some other Christians. Sure they seemed nice, but i didn't feel like pursuing them at all. The one co-worker I did appreciate who wasn't tryin to set me up, she said as she pointed at me, "You know I'm praying for your future wife." I laughed and said, "oh uhm thanks." She responded, "No freal, I'm praying for her, God is preparing your future wife, so you should be praying for her too." And so i did. a lot. God does answer prayers.
Order of Operations
I think it's typical for everyone to have their own set of ideals or concepts of how relationships are to progress through different stages. for instance do u date someone before u like them? do u like someone before you date? There are some wrong ways of going about it in my opinion, but at the same time there isn't just one correct way. Instead there is a freedom to create and grow in a variety of ways, at different paces in their own time. However, it is important to get some order of operations down properly. Ive seen some Christian examples where they get engaged and married within 6 months! Ive heard of couples proposing and getting engaged before they've met in person. and in some stories, they've continued to stay married. Then again, i know someone who got married in 5th grade! (maybe just a wee bit jealous.)
I was gonna get married in preschool. This girl Ashley was choosing between me and two other boys. but she chose me! we sat under a tree. with band-aids on our knees. That's about all i remember lol.
these are from one of my cousin's boys. I forget if he's in 2nd or 3rd grade. it's too cute.
Perhaps when u know u found your person, u just know it. To me, i would say, "whoa hold up a sec. whats the rush? dont you want to be super chur before u get to those stages?" How can u be so chur? Perhaps it's the intuitiveness in me. Perhaps it's based on feelings u didn't know u could still feel. perhaps it's being able to see a real fu-chur. Perhaps its realizing you found someone you connect with at a deep level that you haven't ever found before. Perhaps it's a combination of several factors. Perhaps there isn't a clear equation to explain it in human understandings. Perhaps when u know u found your person, u just know it.
I might have skipped the falling in "like" stage and jumped to the falling in "love" stage. i can't help it. was i supposed to wait? i should've waited, can u control stuff like that? I dipped my foot in the water, and the water tempa-chur was perfect. I said, "shoots! time to jump in then!" The Fray would say, "Im in over my head."
When you find someone you've been looking for your entire life (at least adult life), your heart will naturally progress pretty quickly like a magnet. this pull is invisible, yet undeniable. It does feel like falling, because you're not in control, you could very well end up getting hurt, and you're not quite sure if someone will mirror and receive these strong feelings.
Finding the Right Pace
Hawaii people are known to be slow walkers (and slow drivers). California ppl walk so fast, im like "bruh where's da fire?! take it eaaasy.." Guess i really am a turtle lol. I told my cousin, you're an early bird, and im a late bird. Then I said, "no maybe I'm more of a dolphin. or turtle." She said, "Wait, i thought you were a sloth?!" I responded, "Oh yeah, that too."
True fact: i take a lot of tangents and like using the word tangents. Always random and unpredictable. Anywaaaays.. what was i talkin about? oh yeah, back to da story. even among hawaii people, i'm considered a slow walker.. I like to just take my time walking. not the best for getting your cardio up. My mom and I walk fairly often, almost daily lately.. and i have to hold her belt buckle at times to make sure she doesn't walk to far ahead of me too fast. I say, "hey slow down! you're walking too fast!" she responds, "No you're just slow!" i bring up this analogy because sometimes my heart walks a bit too fast n i hafta constantly tell it to slow it's roll. I'm developing some sense of patience. so that's what i will continue to do. because I much rather progress at the same pace and walk along aside someone. I don't necessarily like walking, but I know it has too many benefits to ignore. And it forces my body to actually move out of it's warm turtle shell.
If you're into recipes and cooking. One of the factors to make sure the food turns out just right, is making sure it's cooked for the appropriate amount of time. Have u ever under cooked or overcooked something? It's either still cold or burnt. Another big factor is making sure u are using all the right ingredients with the right amount as well. And when the recipe and cooking process are given extra care the meal turns out perfect!
How Will I Know?
I think my philosophy has always been, when it's right I'll know, and it'll feel right. it will become obvious. And it'll happen organically, and be quite easy, not something you hafta force to work. (Things don't jus plop in your lap tho, i mean u still have a certain responsibility and role of intentionality.) That's how it should be right? things don't hafta be too complicated. When you find the right person, and it's truly meant to be, i think your heart will know.
Some signs are a feeling of being satisfied, understood, seen, appreciated, and happiness! Yes u can allow yourself to feel happiness, u deserve to feel happy! enjoy the time shared together. If you're seeking God's will and you feel at peace, it probably is a very good thing! if however, one feels that they are compromising their faith, values, worldview, principles, are not being edified, encouraged, and not drawing or growing closer to God, then that may be a sign things are no bueno.
The Building Blocks
I like how my old roommate Mike once explained this process of building a healthy relationship. In order to build a relationship, you need a strong foundation of friendship, you need a solid ground of mutual trust and respect. Then from there you can start adding the blocks to build up. He had an entire powerpoint with pictures too. I would probably add that one's core values and faith are also very crucial for building a solid foundation to build on top of. These are absolutely necessary.
Sure there will be different opinions, perspectives, preferences, experiences, needs and expectations. And that's perfectly normal. The higher you get to the top of the building, the less important it is to have those similar commonalities. If someone enjoys a different hobby or movie genre that's okay because it's not as important.
Love
I think true love, is sacrifice. Jesus laid down his life and paid the ultimate sacrifice so that our sins wouldn't get what they deserve. God made him who had no sin, to become sin for us. While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
When you love someone, you will do whatever it takes. Yes you'll even do chores. I'd do dishes for life if I really cared for someone. If i didn't care, they can do their own lol. I'd dance and sing like a silly fool if it makes them happy. You might even agree to watch the complete series of Gilmore Girls.. (and probably end up really liking it!) but H20 might be going a bit too far. The point is, when you truly care about someone, all you want to do is spend time with them and make them happy. When you really love someone, you put their needs, desires and happiness above your own. You want them to get more of the food, and the last piece.
I think my view of "love" might be sorta changing, or expanding. I used to think it was just an exciting emotion you felt when you were on top of a relational mountain top. Where you want to run away with someone, you can't stop thinking about someone, u dont think you could live life without them (or at least really wouldn't want to), your heart beats like a loud drum, BOOM BOOM! BOOM BOOM! you begin to go a little crazy for them, it's thrilling, burning, and passionate, like a magic carpet ride. It feels like electric dynamite that's about to explode! It goes far beyond attraction, superficiality and infatuation. Yes all of that may be a piece of the pie. Going on a roller coaster can be exciting and exhilarating, but eventually you'll hafta let your heart calm down and catch it's breath, and also go through waiting in line again before the next ride. Magic carpet rides are fun but they don't last forever.
it's not realistic to always have high mountain top feelings. Those may perhaps come and go in phases. love is much more than a feeling. The honeymoon phases are fun but do wear off eventually. Everyone can put on their best self. But i'd suggest that love isn't just loving someone when they're at their best, but rather when you see them holistically, entirely and in the most raw sense. This is how God loves and sees us. He looks at the heart, at our core of who we are, and say's "Mine!" If you had kids, would you love them only when they are cooperative and happy? By no means! Rather, because your love is so deep, you love your son or daughter, even when they're crying, fussy or throw a tantrum. And instead of walkin' out, love says, i'm still here, and i'll comfort you, and we'll get through even the hard days together.
It's often the love that is quiet, deep, steady, consistent and stable that stands the test of time. I want the kind of happiness that lasts a lifetime. This type of committed love appreciates and values not only the high points, but cherishes everything including the middle and the lows as well.
I was reading how there's different aspects of love. Whatever I was reading online mentioned that couples need to be connected and be fulfilled on a Spiritual, Physical, Emotional and Intellectual level.
The word "love" has so much meaning behind it, that i'm not sure if it should be tossed around so easily without much thought. When i do say it to someone, i really want to mean it. I thought about this today. There really isn't anything greater than Love, well besides God Almighty Himself, there really isn't anything on earth that is better. How valuable it is when you are able to love freely, abundantly and to receive love. Love is better than winning a lottery, better than the best thrills of exploration and adventure, more precious that all the diamonds and rubies. Yes all you need is God, but I think there is a certain void in our hearts that we know is also meant to be filled with human love.
I think i'm starting to get a much more realistic perspective of this thing called Love. Not the easiest thing to try and define, because there are so many different parts and aspects to it. Love is also commitment. a commitment to stay. it says, I'm here for you, and I ain't leaving, i'll be here tomorrow and the next day after that. i'll love no matter what happens.
Love is loyal and honest, love is very patient, love keeps no record of wrongs, love desires the best for someone, love wants others to be close to God and to be filled with joy. If you truly love someone, you really just want God to wrap them up in this warm blanket of His embrace. Love is attachment, longing, affection, and a close bond. Love is truly seeing one's core essence, including accepting the ugliness, the quirks and the imperfections. Love seeks to know each other deeply, and loves them the more they do discover. Love is choosing the same person again and again every single day, u love someone for who they are and for them simply being themselves.
Love is gentle, it's selfless, others minded, it's vulnerable. Love is caring about someone no matter what, and also learning the boldness to express it when the time feels right. It's nursing someone when they're sick, it's going the extra mile to make someone smile, it can make one travel to any lengths and across oceans to find someone. or maybe just the pacific ocean.
Love is very forgiving, non-judgmental and never condemns, love comforts, encourages and uplifts, it's not easily angered, love is sharing a deep bond of intimacy. love is trying to cook often for someone even tho you're quite horrible at cooking, love is missing someone even though you just talked to them earlier that day, love is having the courage to fight off gross rats in the attic that are making weird noises late at night just so they could get a good night's sleep. Love is tucking someone in till they get sleepy and telling them goodnight, love is just starring someone in their eyes and smiling. Love is giving words of affirmation, giving gifts, and doing acts of service even if that ain't yo main love language. Love is a warm big hug. Love is when souls combine, collide and are ignited, love is always being there for someone, love is willing to change diapers and pick up dog poop, love is sending someone 30 happy face emojis. Love is laughter. Love doesn't give up, it always perseveres. And that's just human love, imagine how great God's love is for us!
If you need me call me, No matter where you are
No matter how far, Don't worry baby
Just call my name, I'll be there in a hurry
You don't have to worry
'Cause baby there ain't no mountain high enough
Ain't no valley low enough
Ain't no river wide enough
To keep me from gettin' to you, babe..
What is it Really About?
My marital counseling professor would teach us about Intuitive Emotional Impulses or (IEI). These are areas or roots of contempt (not contentment), or otherwise known as triggers. There are places in our life experiences where we've been hurt in someway. These past experiences have led to developing a sensitivity or caution towards various words, actions or situations. These usually are from past relationships, friendships, experiences, home of origin and growing up with different attachment styles.
My professor said that most marital conflict cannot be solved, but there should be a respect to honor each other's differences. And I think in there you find harmony. Marriage isn't meant just for happiness, but rather holiness. I think that's pretty profound. Sure it's a good thing to find happiness, but how much greater is it to mature in holiness. How great is it to have someone to grow closer to God with. Spirituality was never meant to be done alone.
I went to a young adult service and the sermon was about Christian courtship and building Christian relationships. And my small group of guys discussed how Christian men are to protect the purity of Christian girls, and how marriage is sacred. We talked about how Christian relationships were much different from non-Christian relationships.. and i remember saying.. it's great to know all this stuff, it's not the first time we've learned these things.. but it's kind of useless for me since i've been single practically forever and feel so far from being in a relationship. one day maybe i can make use of this.
Even if it can sound redundant, it's very important. Most Christians know about boundaries and all that, i guess I was like.. what's the point if I never get a chance to practice and experience it? I feel so inexperienced in that department that all i know for the past 15 years is practicing Christian singleness. which is, go walk to the gym by yourself, talk to God, workout and walk back home and do your best to feel okay with just me, my thoughts and God, and maybe one day if God willing u won't have to walk alone. And maybe one day you'll be able to hold their hand while walking a cute dog. seriously all i want. A simple happy, full and complete life. Couldnt ask for anythin' more.
One of my professors (Steve Porter), told us how one time he was doing marital counseling, and he came across a married couple who were really just sick of each other. they didn't love or care much for the other person. Sounds pretty awful. Looks faded away. There weren't any traits, attributes or qualities that the other saw attractive or appealing anymore. And then my prof. said, at this point, it's truly an opportunity to exercise unconditional love. In the same way, God loves us unconditionally, not based by merit or anything we've done to gain his affection, it is simply by his nature and grace. are we capable of loving unconditionally? is that possible? maybe for a while? if we are capable, i think it'd require God's perspective and seeing through his lens.
I like the idea of marrying your best friend. of the opposite gender ofc. (off topic but is it possible to have more than one best friend? debatable.. but that's for another time to unpack..) There's positive sentiment override, where all the positives heavily outweigh any negatives that may arise.
It kind of dawned on me that being considered "just a friend" or nice guy, can kind of be an Intuitive Emotional Impulse for me. I'm good at getting in and staying in the friend zone. yes it's actually a zone and realm you can get trapped in. it exists somewhere in outer space! I think i've had deep wounds and sensitive scars from being considered "Just a good friend." Perhaps I connect it to not feeling good enough.
The 4 Pillars
I remember one day, our uncle and aunty invited us over to their giant house. My mom and other uncle's family were there too. And the news was shared that they were considering getting divorced, after over two decades of marriage, and with two kids. Their daughter (my cousin), began to cry. I spoke up at a young age. I said, "is it really at a point where it's not repairable?" I think there was already too much brokenness, nasty fights and hurt between the two, that they weren't willing to keep going. and sometimes, i do think individuals are happier going their separate ways. but divorce also has ripple effects, that affects the whole family. I've had aunts that basically took hundreds of thousands of dollars from my uncles. that's p messed up and unfair.
I've seen too much divorce within my immediate family, and I want to make sure that I do everything I can to uphold a Christian marriage. Because of the divorces i've seen, it makes it all that more important to me to go about Christian courtship and marriage right. Christians in my mind, should have a much higher and more intimate marriage than non-Christians. They become One flesh. They have access to God who is the greatest source of love, power and unity. God is the super glue, that keeps Christians growing strong together.
ok so back to my story.. Even tho i was like 30 years younger than most of my family, and obviously have zero marital experience, i wasn't afraid to speak my mind of what I knew to be true. My uncle, aunty and family were in a circle in the living room, and I brought up 4 C's.. I said, here's what I believe.. These are four really important components (or pillars if you will) that I think relationships need...
1) Communication. Usually couples who fall apart don't have great communication. they slander each other, don't truly listen, they're dismissive, and end up hurting each other with their words. Compare that to a couple who enrich and edify through communication. it's important to communicate honestly and openly, to speak in both truth and love.
2) Conflict Resolution. how couples defuse their disagreements also demonstrates the health and strength of a relationship. conflicts, disappointments, misunderstandings, disagreements and negative emotions are bound to happen over time, but it's how they can work through them that's important. It's the couples who turn towards each other and work together that last. Are partners more concerned with being right? Or able to say im sorry, and ask for forgiveness. As a turtle, i usually don't confront people. but one must also be careful to not let something boil up to where it becomes a hot balloon about to pop. did u know, we tend to hurt those closest to us, and often the people we care about most? I argue Christians probably statistically fight less, and resolve issues better.
3) Care. Usually one party just reaches a breaking point where they stop caring, stop trying, and in return that also causes the other party to give up as well. If a plant doesn't receive the right care, attention, water, sunlight and nutrients, eventually it withers. if this component is absent, everything slowly falls apart. If you care for someone you'll make choices out of love, you'll be honest, supportive, affectionate, loyal.
4) Christianity. This is a really a large chunk of the custard pie. I would argue it's the largest component. If a couple's faith and values are different, then that's honestly a make or break disconnect. For Christians, God must be involved. God should not just be a component or aspect, but the core and center of a healthy relationship. Christians believe this truth, but incorporating it is a whole nother story.
Keep in mind i made this up in my head. Not necessarily the end all and only ingredients u need. I kind of wanted five C's cuz i don't really like the number four lol. Chill? Confident? Consistent? Calm, Comfortable? Considerate? Curious? Cooperative? Creative? Crunchy Crispy Chocolate Chip Cookies? obviously there's more dynamics to cultivate a healthy relationship, but these definitely stand out to me.
New Territory
What happens when you come across someone that just gets you. Someone who sees you, knows you so well, and instead of leaving, they stay and accept you for you. That's someone worth fighting for. That's someone worth sacrificing for. wait a sec. you're saying you already opened your mushy emo sappy gooey feelings you had locked up in your safe, and she hasn't run for the hills yet?
My friend said, "Chur don't be a simp." i'm like what? what's that? I had to look it up in urban dictionary, but it's basically a fool, a simpleton, or simple person lacking common sense, who may overvalue a woman and put her on a pedestal. basically considered foolish for confessing one's true feelings. maybe he has a point. he said, never be further ahead. girls want the chase. girls like guys they can't get. yeah i guess there's some truth to that. OR.. maybe I can just be honest and be myself..? that's okay too right?
I've gone down several one way roads that led to a dead end. dead ends really suck. but part of me reflects on, wow perhaps it was good that things didn't work out, because i wouldn't want to go down long roads that are ultimately not the right way to go. hitting a dead end means they never were meant to be. It can be better to pull over, take your time to ask God for directions, then to go down a freeway 10 minutes in the wrong direction. I'm a little thrown off because it's possible this new road i'm going goes both ways. At least i hope it does. This road might actually turn into an entire neighborhood. Nay an entire city! There's at least some sense of reciprocity... right?
Everything feels right. and that's kind of what scares me, perhaps I'm afraid of messing it up. I thought romantic stories were only for the movies and novels. I've never encountered someone who stands equally yoked with me where there's a mutual balance and understanding for each other. I almost can't even process it, hence why i really need to blog. perhaps i shouldn't blog. since you're the only one who reads this anyway, yeah you. obviously im talking about you.
Last Christmas Eve
Have you ever tried playing baseball, tennis, or actually any sport or game by yourself? It's not nearly as fun. In many multiplayer games, you need someone to also play with, otherwise it just feels a bit sad and lonely. Last Christmas, my dad's side of the family went out to a nice seafood restaurant. We generally stay in, but we mixed it up this year. quick fact, i don't really like seafood. probably because i rubbed my eyes while eating crab when i was a kid. sure salmon and fish is fine. Good thing they had shrimp scampi pasta tho.. mm that was bomb.. lol no one says that's the bomb anymore. i had one old guy at church who still says, "raise the roof!" lol..
anywaaays.. i noticed to the side of me, there was an older gentlemen guy on Christmas Eve sitting by himself. It was a two seat table at a very nice restaurant. I couldn't help but observe and try to guess what his story was. I thought maybe he's meeting someone. Time passed, he wasn't expecting anyone, and he just ate dinner by himself. He was alone to his thoughts, on a day you should be around family and friends. This kind of hurt me. To live in a world where you have no one, seems very empty. Ofc im speculating, hopefully not being judgmental, i don't know if he was sad, but it just seemed sad to me. it was Christmas Eve! It reminded me of how lucky I was to have the good company of family and people to share my life with.
To Each Their Own
Cohabitation is usually way ahead in a long term relationship, often traditionally after marriage. But for some scenarios there are exceptions right? probably better if it is slow played.. But at the same time, one's ma-chur-ity level is a factor. lol how can i say ma-chur-ity without sounding emma-chur. i guess in my head, things wouldn't escalate that quickly. Definitely wiser to feel comfortable dating before living together right? I guess that'd be more ideal. but then other times perhaps it's okay to live under the same rock. sometimes if life is a bit too expensive.
I've lived with close bro friends. sometimes i thought, maybe we'll get tired of each other if we see each other like every day. Maybe we'll get annoyed if we have different ways of doing things? Maybe we'll get under each other's skin or have conflicts? But you know what, when i lived with close bro friends, all the positives heavily outweighed any negatives. And the negatives were sometimes just an inconvenience, like waiting to shower lol. I thought we'd get sick of each other, but the exact opposite happened. We grew closer, we spent more time, just chilling, talking, playin games, sharing stories, laughing about silly things, reflecting on life together, teaching and learning from each other, watching movies together, cooking meals together, going to the gym together, and i realized, when you have a solid friendship, living together is like a non-stop super fun slumber party. and when u needed time to yourself, u just go to your room and u could do yo own thang. I'm grateful I had such cool bro roommates to live with.
my other buddy moved in with someone only after 3 months of dating. to me that seems fast. Anyways, the point is, i forget that everyone has different timelines, worldviews and values. Generally i used to think i'd need to wait at least 2 years till I could consider marriage and living together. But where did that even come from? There's no handbook for this sort of thing.
My assumption is, if u begin living with someone u really care about, your relationship will naturally increase quite high because quality time is gained from quantity time. The more time u spend with someone, the closer you'll become. Unless they suck as a human being the opposite can happen.
Whimsical
All i know.. is you held the door. You'll be mine and i'll be yours.. I mean... All I know.. is old Taylor Swift's music is considered "whimsical." i guess this word confuses me because it has to do with semantics and how one defines it. Does it mean one that fantasizes, sees something more appealing then they actually are? Doing things on just a whim? does it mean being light, playful, impulsive, spontaneous, unpredictable? picturesque, quaint, eccentric, unconventional? or being creative and artistic? I guess it's how you'd define it in it's context?
but if whimsical is just doing things on just a whim, I would argue that I'm not whimsical in that specific sense. Batman is not whimsical. Batman when up against a tough enemy, will usually hang out in his lonely batcave and incorporate deep thought, contemplation, strategy, and lots of prep-time. Yes Batman is a bit calculated, but it's because he's trying to think ahead, which is one of his strengths. Sure everyone fantasizes a bit of what the future might look like. And I don't think it's wrong to ponder and try to imagine or anticipate what each alternative choice could possibly lead to. it's easy to get caught up in fairy tale love where everything seems so magical.
Perhaps hopeful romantics are prone to loving the idea of true love. they rush in a little blind towards puppy love. they can be sometimes gullible, naive, ignorant, unaware, too trusting, wear they're heart on their sleeve, be imaginative, and just get swept away by emotions. but they also see what they want, and nothing else seems to matter.
The In Between
What about someone who's considered more skeptical? I think skeptical is too strong of a word that makes it seem like they need to question everything, when that's usually not the case. Perhaps logical, rational and cautious might be better. My dad is very skeptical. And it's a strength because when I go for a job interview, he loads me with all the right questions I should be asking. He goes to car dealerships with hours of prep-time before even talking to a salesman. Then talks to the salesman (or saleswoman) for hours and considers it fun. How can you make a decision without knowledge of all the facts and seeking more information? The skeptical person has the wisdom to investigate and gather information and as much facts before making decisions. In many cases it's a smart move to be careful, observant, curious, reserved, contemplative, realistic, cautious and tentative. I would say i'm in between those two, but probably lean more towards being a hopeful romantic. They should make a third In Between category, cuz i think that's a good spot to be.
quick tangent.. In many card games, or strategy games, if there is no time limit per turn. Often the best move is to not move quickly. The best option is usually to take your time, consider all possible options, play out certain scenarios, double check to make sure you know you got a strong move. This is what I consider contemplation. For stronger plays in a game, the more you take your time to think, the better choices you'll make. There's a time when contemplation is your strongest option. Because then you can assess longer and make wiser choices. When you take a step back, reassess, and still continue to come up with the same answer, you have more confidence to trust your instincts.
Hopeful Romantic
I'm still a little foggy between the differences between hopeful and hopeless. someone explained it like this, "Unlike a hopeless romantic, hopeful romantics blend an optimistic romantic outlook on love with realistic expectations. Hopeful romantics believe love is beautiful, amazing experience that will come to them in time." Hopeful romantics understand the value of being in a happy relationship. They're okay waiting, and trust they will find what they're looking for. Hopeful romantics are very clear about what they want, and the type of person they want it with. They will put a lot of effort to make sure their relationship or marriage is healthy. They gots the fire to keep love fresh, new and exciting. They are willing to put in the work to create a healthy and lasting future. They are not willing to be in any sort of relationship to past the time."
Hopeful romantics can get a little carried away and idealize what the next 6 months might look like. They love hard, and will go out of their way to make someone feel super special. Gosh i thought only girls could be hopeful romantics, and it was just being addicted to romance. when did I become like this? I think there can be different extremes on a spectrum. And for the most part, I think it's good to be optimistic, but not so far above the clouds where you aren't practical and level-headed. In conclusion, i think it's perfectly fine to be where ever you feel you are, as long as you don't go too far on either extreme.
The one thing I have been worrying about a lot is having too strong of emotions. I don't want to penalize myself for feeling deeply. You should be allowed to feel the way you do. But sometimes, in some cases, it's better to be patient and wait for the right time, to make sure what you're feeling is real. u definitely don't wanna get too far ahead of yourself. but part of me is glad i can feel such intensities, to be passionate. it's just how i'm wired.
A smart little isaac knows that instead of gobbling up the oreo cookie in front of him, if he's patient enough, and can wait, he will be rewarded even more cookies soon enough! and also figure out he's being secretly recorded because the camera phone wasn't well hidden.
As a strength, I know I have an ocean of love to truly love someone deeply. But it can also be a weakness because the ocean can be daunting, overwhelming and often too powerful that adds unnecessary pressure, seriousness and gravity. I feel like I'm at my best when I'm light, happy go lucky, chill and easy going. but every now and then, i feel these waves crashing on the shore.
When I want something in my life. I become both Batman and Superman in one. With Batman's focus, intellect, concentration, strategy, perseverance and strength of mind, I can visualize and begin to build the reality I want to see. I also become Superman, because he's unstoppable, unbeatable, relentless. He has willpower, and strength to overcome obstacles. He considers the safety of others. He is willing to go to the furthest lengths to protect those he cares for. Also side note, I can be also be Green Lantern or the Flash because they also have a lot of creativity and imagination to think outside the box.
Chill Out Bro
I feel like I can spiral into anxiety and depression when I get too serious and start to overthink. "oh no how will they respond? Should I have said that? Did I say too much? What might they think of me? I definitely said too much.. Will it be interpreted wrong? Could I have said it better? Will this person feel the same way? Am I looking at this rationally without rose tinted glasses? Why would i wear rosey lookin glasses anyway? Why am i overthinking too much!? Why does my heart feel this way?! What if this? What if that? Chill out bro. just be you. stop worrying. u is goin cray."
I think im overly fearful of saying or doing something wrong or making a stupid mistake. This is why exercise is so therapeutic for me. I just need to turn my head off. but sometimes that's hard to do. How much better is it to be at peace with yourself and others where you can speak freely without any worry.
I need to have self-control to restrain myself at times. It's usually prudent to keep things slow and steady. The story of the tortoise and the hare really got it right. Turtles are in it for the long run. Relationships are not sprints to rush through. Nay, they are long distance marathons. If you sprint, you'll likely end up burning out and getting a sore cramp in your leg.. It's the ones who are purposeful and committed to the long haul that succeed. They're conditioned to endure, even when it's challenging. It's smarter to walk at a healthy pace daily than try and sprint 10 miles in a day, if that makes sense. I know there's things i've said that should probably come later in chapters. I need to go back, take my time and read slower instead of skipping pages. Slow cook. Marinate. Savor.
#1, #2, or #3
In some cases, it might be best if i'm a #3 (or even #5) and don't say anything I might regret. But on the other hand, sometimes it's good to be a honest #1 and just truly say what's on your mind and heart. Hence why I'm always trapped being a #2 caught in the middle.
There was a girl in one of my counseling classes, we were sitting in a group and she shared very vulnerable insecurities about her family and how she doesn't think God really loves her. I was pretty shocked to hear this. of course God loves her. God even spoke to me and told me to tell her, "God absolutely loves you! More than you can imagine! God does love you! God loves you so much!" But those words never came out. Instead i bit my tongue, the opportunity passed, i stayed a #3 and kept it to my thoughts. Sure u can regret saying things, but you can also regret not saying true things.
Sitting, Waiting, Praying
Houses are not built in a day, they require one brick at a time. I need to learn self-discipline to wait and be patient, to give others space. I need more discipline and to be more intentional with spending more time to seek God in prayer. And not so much of me talking, but me listening. And in what way can I tap into this idea of Abiding and Remaining in God. It's a constant cry of "Abba, here I am. I am ready, available, present. I am yours." And as a good Father, he comes and pours out His Spirit and fills us with His love.
In what ways do we hear from God speak to us? Do we intentionally sit and wait, and listen? Usually i'm a bit too distracted. What are other ways that God can be involved in a relationship? Shouldn't he be our utmost priority? But at the same time, not approach it legalistically. If God were to have a #1 Love Language, I think it'd be quality time. My bet is God really just wants to spend time with us, and have us enjoy His presence. his love languages go far beyond the cookie cutter 5 languages but it's just an interesting tot.
I have seen and witnessed first hand what that's like to make someone everything, and then have your entire world come crumbling down once that's removed. Heartache is a real thing. It friggen hurts and sucks. i never want to feel that pain again. i didn't know it could last for so long. The hard part is we all seek to love and be loved. And that's perfectly fine to look for, but it's important to go about that slowly, cautiously and with the God's providence.
Terrified
In the Bachelor/ Bachelorette show when someone is falling for someone, there's a common phrase. some girl or guy usually says, "It's terrifying" or "I'm terrified." There is a fear of heartbreak, a fear that someone won't feel the same, a fear that the Lego bricks might come crumbling down, and that i'd need to go through years of counseling to repair and heal through deep loss, hurt, devastation and heartache. It can be scary and uncertain. Nothing is guaranteed. (Well except God's promises). I will choose not to walk in that fear. Nay, in the midst of the unknown, I will press forward in faith and in hope.
There will always be reasons to worry, fear and be anxious.. But scripture tells us not to worry, but to first seek his kingdom. To not fear, for He is with us and He will strengthen us. To not be anxious about anything, but in every situation by prayer and petition. There is no fear in love, for perfect love drives out fear. Father God, fill me with your perfect love and a peace that surpasses all understanding.
When these bad thoughts creep in, we need to actively do our best to refresh and renew our mind, and counter it with God's truths. Because most of the time these bad thoughts don't do us any good. Sometimes when i don't feel positive or optimistic, my goal becomes to just hit feeling neutral and okay. sometimes that in itself beats feeling low.
Synchronized Hearts
Didja know that if you put two hearts in close proximity together, their heartbeat will synchronize? In the same sense, I believe it's possible to tune our heart to God's heart. In this way, I think it's possible to not only trust God in faith, but also to be able to sense and experience God intimately. Is it possible to feel the way God feels to some extent? Is it possible to feel what others feel in the present, even if they're far apart?
it's cheesy n corny but I think it's possible to be so connected and intertwined with someone, that hearts and souls can somehow spiritually become super glued and synchronized. but that's jus me. I only ever bestowed this power on to one person, but she kinda forgot about it. i'm telling you, it really does work! Try it! Feel my heart! It beats loud, strong and hard. it's ready to start life with you!
Jacob had his heart set on marrying Rachel. This dude knew what he wanted. He worked 7 years, to be tricked into marrying Leah. He worked another 7 years for Rachel, because he knew and saw value in her. He loved her. He could've quit and given up, but he persevered, he not only worked hard, he patiently waited. I definitely want the patience Jacob had. Yes.. it's weird polygamy was practiced, but we won't go there lol.
The point is good things are worth waiting and working for. it makes me curious how amazing this Rachel chick was lol. 14 years bruh? What did Jacob see in her? How come Rachel didn't hafta work for Jacob? lol. would she have done the same? in speculation, guess she also must of had a deep patience. also makes me wonder what their relationship was like.. i mean.. if u makin love to Leah, couldn't u tell? I think God needs to give us more details on what happened. Also.. in this story, really.. shouldn't we also be questioning Laban? What's his deal? Why can't he jus let Jacob marry Rachel without having to work choke years. And then to trick him? Seriously brah? that's jus dirty Laban, not cool.
Why are u still here rereading this blog again! there's nothing new! x)
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