Two are better than one,
Because they have a good return for their labor.
If either of them falls down,
one can help the other up.
But pity if anyone falls
and has no one to help them up.
Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."
-Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
>> If you''d like to learn more about the psychology of relationships here's my recommended playlist
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLlWGe3qgcF7yMja1eGWd-wweaZ9q-luWc
Youtube has been my teacher lately. I found so much useful information. It's kinda been mind-blowing..seriously hours of pure relational education I wish I knew before. I'm like "Whoa! This makes so much sense!" I really recommend learning about all the different dynamics that make a healthy relationship.
Dating and relationships are fun, but it also requires a lot of work. It reveals areas of insecurity and places within ourselves where we need to confront ourselves and grow in self-improvement. We can get caught up looking for the right person, rather than becoming the right person. Would you date you? << woah..
Dating and relationships are fun, but it also requires a lot of work. It reveals areas of insecurity and places within ourselves where we need to confront ourselves and grow in self-improvement. We can get caught up looking for the right person, rather than becoming the right person. Would you date you? << woah..
But yeah these youtube videos are so educational! I learned a lot about myself in relational dimensions I never really thought about much. They really motivated me to become better all around.
The better we can understand and know ourselves + others, the more we grow in emotional/ relational intelligence, the better we'll be equipped for family, friendships, marriage and communication with all forms of relationships..
The better we can understand and know ourselves + others, the more we grow in emotional/ relational intelligence, the better we'll be equipped for family, friendships, marriage and communication with all forms of relationships..
I realize there ain't a soul out there that will watch all these videos but whatever, the option to is there.
4 Types of Attachment styles
- Secure
- Anxious (preoccupied)
- Avoidant (dismissive)
- Disorganized/unresolved (fearful anxious & avoidant)
Not every category will be all-inclusive to everyone. meaning there are things that will definitely not be true to all. But there are probably some descriptions of each attachment style that do resonate more than others. We very well may have had a secure attachment with our parents but still learned Insecure, anxious + avoidant tendencies. We would all like to believe we have a secure attachment. But at least half of us most likely have insecure attachment styles.
Childhood, how we were loved/ raised, home of origin, having divorced parents, traumatic experiences, rejections, abandonments, breakups, lost of friendships, and other relational experiences all play a factor in how we connect with others.
Some might latch on too tightly, "Please don't leave me! I need you!" While others might be more cautious, put up walls and their forcefields "Don't get too close! I need space!" Some might be too open to express vulnerability, while others might be emotionally unavailable. What's the healthy middle ground of connection and intimacy?
You don't need fireworks. All you need is a bond fire of warmth. Fireworks are fun, but they can be short-lived. Bond fires endure and are long-lasting. True healthy relationships include feeling safe to be yourself, to felt seen, understood, appreciated and accepted. It's two people inviting intimacy, and pursuing and investing in a mutual, edifying, loving relationship together.
I really hate to admit that I struggle with this, but I think my problem is that I have anxious preoccupied attachment tendencies. I fear abandonment. I don't like losing close friends. When there is a relational rupture, my heart knows something is not right. Purposely not talking usually really hurts me. Why go through life without your favorite people?
I have a deep need for intimacy and relational closeness. Not all the time. But when I do, I don't think I should feel guilty for wanting to love and be loved. I think we all have that as a basic need. When people stop caring, that's when I shut them out and just keep to myself. If someone does not value me, what reason do I have to value them? I mean that makes sense right?
I don't know how to just let go of people that are important to me. They say if you love them, let them go. Yeah. but if you love them, wouldn't you prefer to keep them close instead? Having people choose to walk out of my life is not something that makes sense to me. The words I repeat to myself are, "detach, accept, let go." I'm learning.
Am I that horrible of a person? How can I not question my value? Why do I care so much? Why am I so hungry for approval and acceptance? And I think it could trace back to my upbringing attachment style with my dad.
I get anxious of trying to do things right, i'm afraid of making mistakes, I often need reassurance and affirmation. I often avoid conflict. I don't like bringing up conflict and dealing with it. I often become too accomodating, and will just tolerate being mistreated at times. It's not good.
I'm over-analytical. It's a strength and weakness. I can think ahead and see possible realities or outcomes to different choices. But a lot of it is speculation. It causes fixation, dwelling, rumination, contemplation and excessive thoughts. It's what the anxious attachment person does. It honestly exhausts people to over analyze the past or future. Living in the present isn't something that they often do because their mind is often searching for possible solutions or often critiquing themselves.
At times maybe I get too attached. I think I grew up looking to others for validation. It's a false ideology, "If you deem me worthy, therefore I am." My value should not be rooted in other's thoughts or opinions. Nope, my identity is rooted in Christ.
There are people who don't care what anyone thinks at all, and there are people who care too much what people think. For the most part, it only really matters what you think about yourself. Not everyone is gonna like you, and that's just a fact, you won't naturally like everyone either. Find people you do vibe and click with, and appreciate you for you.
An anxious attachment style might stem from my dad leaving my mom and I when I was young. He was a bit critical on me. I think I learned that love had to be earned. So i sought to appease, and do what others expected of me. It's like I wasn't good enough unless I performed well. It created perfectionism in me. It made me self-critical and over-analytical.
This also makes me question if romantic relationships really do last. Why do people have such a hard time staying in love. Eventually are you just destined to get bored with someone and become friends who cohabitate, and then eventually grow distant and separate? The relationships that do work, probably put a lot of work and intention into keeping love alive.
I didn't realize how much this form of anxious attachment style has really deeply impacted me even till today. It's something I need to intentionally change, heal and form healthier behaviors when it comes to all forms of relationships. Trying to reverse engineer and relearn a better secure attachment style is not easy.
I think we search in partners for them to fulfill a certain need. Often times they are not able to fulfill what we would hope or expect. If someone simply does not feel or match the same level of love you want, there isn't anything you can do to change that. Instead, you must look for someone who wants to give what you're looking for.
I personally look for warmth, kindness, openness, thoughtfulness, compassion, empathy, communication, understanding, acceptance, and emotional availability.
I heard this somewhere and thought it was kind of funny. "You don't go looking to buy milk at a hardware store."
Basically, if you're looking to find certain qualities in someone who doesn't possess them, you need to look elsewhere.
I got the following from this website evergreenpsychotherapy
There are three primary, underlying dimensions that characterize attachment styles and patterns. The first dimension is closeness, meaning the extent to which people feel comfortable being emotionally close and intimate with others.
The second is dependence/avoidance, or the extent to which people feel comfortable depending on others and having partners depend on them.
The third is anxiety or the extent to which people worry their partners will abandon and reject them.
The outline below describes four adult attachment styles regarding avoidance, closeness and anxiety — and prototypical descriptions of each. It's in general and not all-encompassing.
Secure: Low on avoidance, low on anxiety. Comfortable with intimacy; not worried about rejection or preoccupied with the relationship. “It is easy for me to get close to others, and I am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me. I don’t worry about being abandoned or about someone getting too close to me.”
Avoidant: High on avoidance, low on anxiety. Uncomfortable with closeness and primarily values independence and freedom; not worried about partner’s availability. “I am uncomfortable being close to others. I find it difficult to trust and depend on others and prefer that others do not depend on me. It is very important that I feel independent and self-sufficient. My partner wants me to be more intimate than I am comfortable being.”
Anxious: Low on avoidance, high on anxiety. Crave closeness and intimacy, very insecure about the relationship. “I want to be extremely emotionally close (merge) with others, but others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I often worry that my partner doesn’t love or value me and will abandon me. My inordinate need for closeness scares people away.
Anxious and Avoidant: High on avoidance, high on anxiety. Uncomfortable with intimacy, and worried about partner’s commitment and love. “I am uncomfortable getting close to others and find it difficult to trust and depend on them. I worry I will be hurt if I get close to my partner.”
The outline below explains the four adult attachment styles; the behavioral, cognitive and social aspects of each style; and the way in which they differ regarding closeness, dependency, avoidance and anxiety. It is common for adults to have a combination of traits rather than fit into just one style.
Autonomous (Secure):
- Comfortable in a warm, loving and emotionally close relationship.
- Depends on partner and allows partner to depend on them; is available for partner in times of need.
- Accepts partner’s need for separateness without feeling rejected or threatened; can be close and also independent (“dependent–independent”).
- Trusting, empathic, tolerant of differences, and forgiving.
- Communicates emotions and needs honestly and openly; attuned to partner’s needs and responds appropriately; does not avoid conflict.
- Manages emotions well; not overly upset about relationship issues.
- Insight, resolution and forgiveness about past relationship issues and hurts.
- Sensitive, warm and caring parent; attuned to child’s cues and needs; children are securely attached.
Dismissive (Avoidant)
- Emotionally distant and rejecting in an intimate relationship; keeps partner at arm’s length; partner always wanting more closeness; ” “deactivates” attachment needs, feelings and behaviors.
- Equates intimacy with loss of independence; prefers autonomy to togetherness.
- Not able to depend on partner or allow partner to “lean on” them; independence is a priority.
- Communication is intellectual, not comfortable talking about emotions; avoids conflict, then explodes.
- Cool, controlled, stoic; compulsively self-sufficient; narrow emotional range; prefers to be alone.
- Good in a crisis; non-emotional, takes charge.
- Emotionally unavailable as parent; disengaged and detached; children are likely to have avoidant attachments.
Preoccupied (Anxious)
- Insecure in intimate relationships; constantly worried about rejection and abandonment; preoccupied with relationship; “hyperactivates” attachment needs and behavior.
- Needy; requires ongoing reassurance; want to “merge” with partner, which scares partner away.
- Ruminates about unresolved past issues from family-of-origin, which intrudes into present perceptions and relationships (fear, hurt, anger, rejection).
- Overly sensitive to partner’s actions and moods; takes partner’s behavior too personally.
- Highly emotional; can be argumentative, combative, angry and controlling; poor personal boundaries.
- Communication is not collaborative; unaware of own responsibility in relationship issues; blames others.
- Unpredictable and moody; connects through conflict, “stirs the pot.”
- Inconsistent attunement with own children, who are likely to be anxiously attached.
Unresolved (Disorganized)
- Unresolved mindset and emotions; frightened by memories of prior traumas; losses from the past have not been not mourned or resolved.
- Cannot tolerate emotional closeness in a relationship; argumentative, rages, unable to regulate emotions; abusive and dysfunctional relationships recreate past patterns.
- Intrusive and frightening traumatic memories and triggers; dissociates to avoid pain; severe depression, PTSD.
- Antisocial; lack of empathy and remorse; aggressive and punitive; narcissistic, no regard for rules; substance abuse and criminality.
- Likely to maltreat own children; scripts children into past unresolved attachments; triggered into anger and fear by parent-child interaction; own children often develop disorganized attachment.
There is so much more I want to unpack on attachment theory. It's complex and deeply ingrained in us. Such an interesting and relevant topic. I find it pretty eye-opening to explain certain things I didn't quite understand. I really found attachment theory and these relationship videos very helpful in gaining more understanding.
It's like you don't want to go too far, either way, gotta find the sweet middle spot. Don't want to become needy + co-dependent on others for happiness/validation, nor do you want to be apathetic, cold, withdrawn, overly detached and pushing people away. Gotta find the right healthy balance.
So from an early age and into adulthood, we start looking for a partner who can love us in a similar way. Even if we grew up with a healthy attachment style, it still plays a vital role in how we give and receive love.
So from an early age and into adulthood, we start looking for a partner who can love us in a similar way. Even if we grew up with a healthy attachment style, it still plays a vital role in how we give and receive love.
An easy example is seeing someone who grew up with an abusive or controlling parent. One might then grow up looking to receive some form of love from someone who is also abusive or controlling because they're used to the victim and compliant role.
Someone who grew up with parents who babied them and did everything for them, might look for a partner who is nurturing in the same way. They might develop a sense of narcissism thinking that others are only meant to support or revolve around their needs.
Someone who was neglected as a child may develop a stronger sense of independence but also might be very slow to trust others or express warmth. I'm giving a lot of generalities, but you can see how strong an influence attachment theory plays even throughout our adulthood.
Attachment styles embed needs and expectations.
This year I learned not to emotionally invest in people too early. I usually wear my heart on my sleeve and am eager to connect emotionally. I need to learn to match and reciprocate bids.
The right person will want to be with me, and like me for who I am. I am far from perfect, nor will I ever be. The goal isn't perfection, the goal is to strive to grow alongside someone and to always continue pursuing self-development.
When I find someone I really like, I think I end up caring too much. This seems to be the pattern and big mistake I keep making. When you're afraid and anxious of losing someone, you'll act desperate, obsessed, needy and clingy. Not being secure in yourself, and chasing after a specific outcome generally pushes people away.
No one likes to feel depended on to fulfill the needs of others. If someone chases after you, you'll most likely end up running away. Relationships require both people to be strong in themselves. Yes, be supportive, positive and thoughtful, but not overly attached and insecure.
When I really like someone, I notice I begin caring more about their needs than my own. I end up caring too much about what they think of me. I end up caring about their happiness more than mine. The reason is that, if I can make someone happy and provide what they want, in return it makes the pleaser feel accomplished and of worth.
I have a deep need to love and be loved. i seek communication, connection, compatibility and intimacy. I thought I found that.. but was blind, and once again it was only one-sided. I chase after all these fairytale beliefs of what we're taught love is supposed to feel like, how it's supposed to be and how it's gonna be everything we wanted.
I build up a perfect idealized romanticized version of people who they really aren't. When you're attracted to someone and infatuated, you'll project great qualities in them that you would like from them. You'll completely dismiss and ignore things about them that aren't so good. You'll even make excuses and defend why it's ok.
I can easily get caught up in listing all my insecurities and weaknesses, that sometimes it's helpful to notice, hey wait a second, how much was this person really trying to make things work?
Did they really communicate what they wanted, needed, or expected? Were they more concerned with their own needs than having empathy and openness towards me? Were they open to share their true emotions? What are their anxieties and fears that block intimacy? What's really going on with someone if they aren't willing to say some kind words or do a thoughtful gesture?
How many kind, thoughtful or romantic gestures did they give? How many times was my ideas misunderstood or ignored? How many problems could've been solved with better communication?
Because i'm critical on myself.. I am used to putting all the blame on myself. But as I reflect, it's really a complex combination of issues from both sides that prevent developing intimacy.
What you really want is a partner who will accept even your flaws, who knows, understands and loves you regardless. You want someone who makes u a better person. You want someone who will be there for the long haul.
Someone who grew up with parents who babied them and did everything for them, might look for a partner who is nurturing in the same way. They might develop a sense of narcissism thinking that others are only meant to support or revolve around their needs.
Someone who was neglected as a child may develop a stronger sense of independence but also might be very slow to trust others or express warmth. I'm giving a lot of generalities, but you can see how strong an influence attachment theory plays even throughout our adulthood.
Attachment styles embed needs and expectations.
This year I learned not to emotionally invest in people too early. I usually wear my heart on my sleeve and am eager to connect emotionally. I need to learn to match and reciprocate bids.
The right person will want to be with me, and like me for who I am. I am far from perfect, nor will I ever be. The goal isn't perfection, the goal is to strive to grow alongside someone and to always continue pursuing self-development.
When I find someone I really like, I think I end up caring too much. This seems to be the pattern and big mistake I keep making. When you're afraid and anxious of losing someone, you'll act desperate, obsessed, needy and clingy. Not being secure in yourself, and chasing after a specific outcome generally pushes people away.
No one likes to feel depended on to fulfill the needs of others. If someone chases after you, you'll most likely end up running away. Relationships require both people to be strong in themselves. Yes, be supportive, positive and thoughtful, but not overly attached and insecure.
When I really like someone, I notice I begin caring more about their needs than my own. I end up caring too much about what they think of me. I end up caring about their happiness more than mine. The reason is that, if I can make someone happy and provide what they want, in return it makes the pleaser feel accomplished and of worth.
I have a deep need to love and be loved. i seek communication, connection, compatibility and intimacy. I thought I found that.. but was blind, and once again it was only one-sided. I chase after all these fairytale beliefs of what we're taught love is supposed to feel like, how it's supposed to be and how it's gonna be everything we wanted.
I build up a perfect idealized romanticized version of people who they really aren't. When you're attracted to someone and infatuated, you'll project great qualities in them that you would like from them. You'll completely dismiss and ignore things about them that aren't so good. You'll even make excuses and defend why it's ok.
I can easily get caught up in listing all my insecurities and weaknesses, that sometimes it's helpful to notice, hey wait a second, how much was this person really trying to make things work?
Did they really communicate what they wanted, needed, or expected? Were they more concerned with their own needs than having empathy and openness towards me? Were they open to share their true emotions? What are their anxieties and fears that block intimacy? What's really going on with someone if they aren't willing to say some kind words or do a thoughtful gesture?
How many kind, thoughtful or romantic gestures did they give? How many times was my ideas misunderstood or ignored? How many problems could've been solved with better communication?
Because i'm critical on myself.. I am used to putting all the blame on myself. But as I reflect, it's really a complex combination of issues from both sides that prevent developing intimacy.
What you really want is a partner who will accept even your flaws, who knows, understands and loves you regardless. You want someone who makes u a better person. You want someone who will be there for the long haul.
you see how much goes into making this work? Finding a connection should be something easy... but building a relationship is a challenge. It takes a lot to have a healthy Christian relationship. Is it even possible?
You want to find someone who's warm, attentive, accepting, giving, affectionate, caring and loving. Yet.. how many of us are attracted to the one's who aren't emotionally available, who don't seem to care much, who don't express vulnerability, who avoid or fear intimacy?
You want to find someone who's warm, attentive, accepting, giving, affectionate, caring and loving. Yet.. how many of us are attracted to the one's who aren't emotionally available, who don't seem to care much, who don't express vulnerability, who avoid or fear intimacy?
This really doesn't make sense... Maybe I'm overthinking it.
Yes we all need self-love.. but I don't think we necessarily need to perfect or master that skill in order to create a thriving and healthy relationship. If you were to master self-love, my question is what do you really need from a relationship then? Even if you master self-love, I would argue that we still have a need to for deep levels of connection and intimacy. Otherwise, we should be completely comfortable all being single. I think most of us who are single, are not completely content, because we know we deserve a loving + supportive partner and someone to share life with.
It's so easy to get jaded. But I have to prevent myself from giving up. Going through this life alone is also not the answer. Find the person willing to give it everything to make it work. If they can't give their all, they probably aren't the right one.
Maybe I have insecurities of not being good enough. Maybe I feel like I need to impress or prove to someone that I have value or significance. Maybe I've been looking to someone else to complete me, when in truth you can be complete and whole on your own ... (to a certain extent)
No one likes to admit they have insecurities. It's tough to confront. I probably haven't even really given my insecurities a lot of thought because I often ignore them or avoid them. No one is perfect. We all lack in some areas. But that doesn't mean that we are not capable of growing and working on those areas. We are all capable of change, improving and overcoming our weaknesses or flaws. If you don't know your weaknesses, insecurities and flaws, a relationship seems to bring them out.
I matured in various ways this year. But I know I still have more areas where I need to mature more in. I'm a work in progress. At least I know what areas in my life I need to grow in.
I struggle with abandonment issues. I mean who wants to lose someone they're close to? Aren't we in some sense all needy to some degree?
Growing up I connected "relationships" with "happiness" and if I wasn't in a relationship, then I was somehow less than and not happy. Maybe I crave closeness and intimacy more than other people do. I guess I need to learn to be happy and ok with or without someone. Perhaps I just fear loneliness... in a way.. don't we all?
Yes we all need self-love.. but I don't think we necessarily need to perfect or master that skill in order to create a thriving and healthy relationship. If you were to master self-love, my question is what do you really need from a relationship then? Even if you master self-love, I would argue that we still have a need to for deep levels of connection and intimacy. Otherwise, we should be completely comfortable all being single. I think most of us who are single, are not completely content, because we know we deserve a loving + supportive partner and someone to share life with.
It's so easy to get jaded. But I have to prevent myself from giving up. Going through this life alone is also not the answer. Find the person willing to give it everything to make it work. If they can't give their all, they probably aren't the right one.
Maybe I have insecurities of not being good enough. Maybe I feel like I need to impress or prove to someone that I have value or significance. Maybe I've been looking to someone else to complete me, when in truth you can be complete and whole on your own ... (to a certain extent)
No one likes to admit they have insecurities. It's tough to confront. I probably haven't even really given my insecurities a lot of thought because I often ignore them or avoid them. No one is perfect. We all lack in some areas. But that doesn't mean that we are not capable of growing and working on those areas. We are all capable of change, improving and overcoming our weaknesses or flaws. If you don't know your weaknesses, insecurities and flaws, a relationship seems to bring them out.
I matured in various ways this year. But I know I still have more areas where I need to mature more in. I'm a work in progress. At least I know what areas in my life I need to grow in.
I struggle with abandonment issues. I mean who wants to lose someone they're close to? Aren't we in some sense all needy to some degree?
Growing up I connected "relationships" with "happiness" and if I wasn't in a relationship, then I was somehow less than and not happy. Maybe I crave closeness and intimacy more than other people do. I guess I need to learn to be happy and ok with or without someone. Perhaps I just fear loneliness... in a way.. don't we all?
I get why some may not want to get too attached. It makes sense. There can be a sense of instability or neediness. It protects the self from possibly losing someone. It's a defense mechanism that keeps people at an arm's length to make sure one can never take the risk of getting hurt. However, it may also prevent intimacy and connecting at a deeper level that relationships require.
There's a guy who calls his dog, "Dog." The dog isn't given a true name. If you give it a name you might get attached and actually care at a deeper level. and if you get attached, you might one day feel a sense of loss and pain. Therefore, is it really wiser to not allow attachment at the cost of denying deeper connection? Give the poor dog a name!
Nice and kind gestures should not just be reserved for relationships, they are part of dating and friendship as well. If someone does not communicate or express care or words of affirmation, the assumption is that they really don't value, appreciate or care. And that comes off a bit cold.
There are several love languages to communicate love. There are multiple avenues to purposely try and create intimacy. If someone does not communicate love, odds are they're just a friend. but then again, even friends communicate love in a variety of ways. When I look at this idea of "love," it rarely just falls into your lap. It's usually something that takes a lot of time to purposely cultivate. It requires openness, communication and intention.
Attachment styles have a bigger influence in our personality than we think. It explains a lot. But just because we fall into a certain category or have certain tendencies, that doesn't excuse our behavior. We are powerful enough to change how we express love. We are never labeled and stuck living a certain way. I believe we are all truly capable of change. But that doesn't happen automatically.
I may not know much, but I do know that relationships are a give and take, and not one-sided. It requires both people willing to invest, to give it their 100% and do their best to love unconditionally.. To attend to each other's needs.. To communicate effectively.. To grow and support each other in fostering common values. Both have to be ready to start a Christ-centered relationship. It requires God throughout the entire relationship. It's about great friendship, and trying to make each other happy. It's about investing into family, future and love.
Here's what I believe the foundation is for a strong healthy relationship.
Christianity, Unity in Values + Goals, Communication, Compatibility, Connection, Care, Honesty + Openness, Mutual Effort, Transparency, Trust + Respect, Attraction, Good Conflict Resolution, Patience + Forgiveness, Friendship, Commitment, Acceptance and Understanding. Oh and something called Love.
I know that's a lot, but if you have this foundation, you can build an entire city on it. Everything else besides these things are extra sprinkles and a cherry on top. Although some folks will have very particular needs and expectations.
Then again, what do I know..
One girl told me she was only interested in men with brown hair. And i'm like. well ok, you can cross me off then. Another girl was only into men who had blond hair. I'm like.. what's people's deal with the color of hair?
If you were to take away even just one or two aspects of the qualities that make a solid foundation, the entire relationship can fall apart. That's how crucial these are and it explains why many couples cannot endure without really working on building a solid foundation.
There is no perfect person or a perfect relationship. Romantic movies have given us a false idealization of love. Real relationships are tough work. It's dealing with our insecurities, shortcomings and flaws. It's devotion and commitment to giving it your very best because at the end of the day, life is better and more meaningful with this person.
It's so easy to fall in love with the idea of someone. I seriously saw the rest of my life with someone. I saw our kids. We easily romanticize and create our perfect love stories. But we must keep ourselves grounded in reality. The closer we get to someone, the more our high ideals will be disappointed. All people have their flaws, shortcomings and weaknesses or "areas of improvement."
Sometimes we're too critical on others. It's good to have high standards, but we must be careful not to be perfection-seeking, cuz then we'll just end up disappointed. True love accepts people entirely for who they are. I think relationships really do expose our sins, insecurities and places where we need to grow. So no matter the experience, there are lessons to be learned.
My cousin really wanted a horse. Yeah having a horse to ride would be pretty cool. But here's the thing.. People don't realize how much maintenance and work it is to take care of a horse.
In the same way, yes relationships and marriage have tons of benefits, but keep in mind that it requires a lot of devotion and attention to ensure it thrives. The same goes with children. They're a huge blessing that can make life meaningful. But keep in mind, they also come at a high cost and sacrifice. At the end of the day you must truly assess, is it all worth it?
The quick answer is yes. family can add stressors, work, responsibility and sacrifice, but the reason it's all worth it is because family adds meaning to our lives.
I find it very rare to find someone who understands me. I'm pretty sure feeling "understood" is a deep need in me. It goes along with feeling "cared for." I connect understanding and care with love. If I don't feel those, then I don't really feel valued. I find it very rare for me to deeply connect with someone. I find it rare for me to truly feel cared for.
I haven't found my person yet. And if your dating experiences didn't work out, it's ok. Now you know more about yourself and what qualities you do look for in someone. If you're out there reading this right now, struggling with singleness and disappointments. It's ok. God works all things for the good of those who love him. God can bring the right person in the right timing, and you shouldn't need to fight so hard for love. Allow life to take it's natural course. Become the person you'd like to attract. Focus on other areas of your life as well, because romance is just one fraction of the pie. Continue to pursue your best self.
I think I think too much and always try to go too deep and heavy. The shallow is fun, light and easy. But it's really in the deeper topics of life and being vulnerable where I truly connect with others. I knew someone who would often just talk about the weather. And for me i'm like.. this just isn't enough deep convo substance. There's a time and place for shallow convos, but for me, it just don't cut it anymore.
For some reason, I think the seriousness of deeper conversations scares people. I actually feel like I have to avoid about talking about certain things because i'm afraid it will push people away. I shouldn't feel guilty discussing my true thoughts, feelings and idea. Someone will eventually care to listen, hear, and contribute to them. It's good to talk about your deep thoughts and emotions. It's good to share things personal to you.
Some deeper things include the mysteries and sovereignty of God, psychology/ human behavior, politics, transformation, discussing problems, pondering life lessons, friendships, hopes, goals, dreams, fears and probably most importantly true thoughts and emotions. And that's just what I consider.. everyone will have their own unique topics that they might want to connect on.
Perhaps sometimes my raw thoughts and strong emotions can be too direct and straightforward. Communication is key. If ya avoid deep conversations entirely, you probably won't connect on a deep level. Connection is not found in the shallow, it's found in the deep. In moderation with the right people, Be bold. Be vulnerable. Say what's on your heart.. because that's how we'll find connection.
Even though the main subject of this blog is attachment styles, I think maybe just as important is this idea of emotional connection. What are the core aspects that create deep emotional connection? Off the top of my head, I think it requires two people willing to be vulnerable. It can involve shared experiences. Most importantly I think it takes strong communication and understanding of each other's feelings.
One girl told me she was only interested in men with brown hair. And i'm like. well ok, you can cross me off then. Another girl was only into men who had blond hair. I'm like.. what's people's deal with the color of hair?
If you were to take away even just one or two aspects of the qualities that make a solid foundation, the entire relationship can fall apart. That's how crucial these are and it explains why many couples cannot endure without really working on building a solid foundation.
There is no perfect person or a perfect relationship. Romantic movies have given us a false idealization of love. Real relationships are tough work. It's dealing with our insecurities, shortcomings and flaws. It's devotion and commitment to giving it your very best because at the end of the day, life is better and more meaningful with this person.
It's so easy to fall in love with the idea of someone. I seriously saw the rest of my life with someone. I saw our kids. We easily romanticize and create our perfect love stories. But we must keep ourselves grounded in reality. The closer we get to someone, the more our high ideals will be disappointed. All people have their flaws, shortcomings and weaknesses or "areas of improvement."
Sometimes we're too critical on others. It's good to have high standards, but we must be careful not to be perfection-seeking, cuz then we'll just end up disappointed. True love accepts people entirely for who they are. I think relationships really do expose our sins, insecurities and places where we need to grow. So no matter the experience, there are lessons to be learned.
My cousin really wanted a horse. Yeah having a horse to ride would be pretty cool. But here's the thing.. People don't realize how much maintenance and work it is to take care of a horse.
In the same way, yes relationships and marriage have tons of benefits, but keep in mind that it requires a lot of devotion and attention to ensure it thrives. The same goes with children. They're a huge blessing that can make life meaningful. But keep in mind, they also come at a high cost and sacrifice. At the end of the day you must truly assess, is it all worth it?
The quick answer is yes. family can add stressors, work, responsibility and sacrifice, but the reason it's all worth it is because family adds meaning to our lives.
I find it very rare to find someone who understands me. I'm pretty sure feeling "understood" is a deep need in me. It goes along with feeling "cared for." I connect understanding and care with love. If I don't feel those, then I don't really feel valued. I find it very rare for me to deeply connect with someone. I find it rare for me to truly feel cared for.
I haven't found my person yet. And if your dating experiences didn't work out, it's ok. Now you know more about yourself and what qualities you do look for in someone. If you're out there reading this right now, struggling with singleness and disappointments. It's ok. God works all things for the good of those who love him. God can bring the right person in the right timing, and you shouldn't need to fight so hard for love. Allow life to take it's natural course. Become the person you'd like to attract. Focus on other areas of your life as well, because romance is just one fraction of the pie. Continue to pursue your best self.
I think I think too much and always try to go too deep and heavy. The shallow is fun, light and easy. But it's really in the deeper topics of life and being vulnerable where I truly connect with others. I knew someone who would often just talk about the weather. And for me i'm like.. this just isn't enough deep convo substance. There's a time and place for shallow convos, but for me, it just don't cut it anymore.
For some reason, I think the seriousness of deeper conversations scares people. I actually feel like I have to avoid about talking about certain things because i'm afraid it will push people away. I shouldn't feel guilty discussing my true thoughts, feelings and idea. Someone will eventually care to listen, hear, and contribute to them. It's good to talk about your deep thoughts and emotions. It's good to share things personal to you.
Some deeper things include the mysteries and sovereignty of God, psychology/ human behavior, politics, transformation, discussing problems, pondering life lessons, friendships, hopes, goals, dreams, fears and probably most importantly true thoughts and emotions. And that's just what I consider.. everyone will have their own unique topics that they might want to connect on.
Perhaps sometimes my raw thoughts and strong emotions can be too direct and straightforward. Communication is key. If ya avoid deep conversations entirely, you probably won't connect on a deep level. Connection is not found in the shallow, it's found in the deep. In moderation with the right people, Be bold. Be vulnerable. Say what's on your heart.. because that's how we'll find connection.
Even though the main subject of this blog is attachment styles, I think maybe just as important is this idea of emotional connection. What are the core aspects that create deep emotional connection? Off the top of my head, I think it requires two people willing to be vulnerable. It can involve shared experiences. Most importantly I think it takes strong communication and understanding of each other's feelings.
If you've been frustrated with dating and you meet someone that isn't interested in pursuing a relationship, then it's ok. You can simply talk and be friends. People undermine friendship, but it's a very positive thing, with no expectations but to support and be there for each other.
I believe in a world where two people can become friends if they really wanted to. Nothing is too hard to get past. The past can stay in the past. And if they don't want friendship either, then I just gotta respect their choice and go find other people to meet and be friends with.
Part of me then thinks.. no. a close friendship between a guy and girl cannot be realistically maintained. Eventually, the two will find partners and healthy communication won't survive. If you were in a relationship, would u want your partner talking to someone of the other gender frequently? Probably not. It's just how it goes. Accept it.
Sometimes it's good to remind yourself that you're a catch. And that you do have high standards. You shouldn't need to chase after love.
I've met a few attractive girls who have expressed interest in me. They were almost too eager to be in a relationship with me. ikr? that's not super common.. Open, caring and vulnerable, which is what i look for, but I'm like whoa.. whoa.. hold on wait a second. We barely know each other. It's as if they were after a relationship more than getting to really know me.
A girl too interested in me too quickly kinda scares me. you don't even know my favorite color.. or my middle name.. Why the heck would I want to define the relationship so soon? I much prefer to take things slow and steady. It takes time to really get to know someone. Without connection and the same values, I'm simply just not interested.
I made eye contact with some girl I didn't know, and she asked, "Hey, what's your name?" quickly followed up with, "Are you single?" She then smiled and said, "Oh I heard about you." then turned to her friend implying and pretty obviously indicating there could possibly be something. And in my head i'm like.. Ok uh what's happening? dang i'm not used to someone being so direct and upfront. She was attractive but I think hearing girls swear is a bit of a turn-off to me cuz that's not how a Proverbs 31 woman is like.
I did a quick google search asking, "What does it feel like to be in love?" (You know.. since google knows everything..) And a site said, "As is well known, falling in love often leads to emotional and physiological instability. You bounce between exhilaration, euphoria, increased energy, sleeplessness, loss of appetite, trembling, a racing heart and accelerated breathing, as well as anxiety, panic and feelings of despair when your relationship suffers even the smallest setback. These mood swings parallel the behavior of drug addicts. People in love regularly exhibit signs of emotional dependency on their relationship, including possessiveness, jealousy, fear of rejection and separation anxiety."
Dang, if that's what being in love is like, i don't want to feel that lol.
"An emotional connection is a feeling of alignment and intimacy between two people that goes beyond just physical attraction, having fun together and surface-level conversations, or even intellectual similarities. Instead, it feels like you're connecting on a deeper soul level, and feel secure connecting that deeply."
There's a difference between being "in love" and true love.
Being "in love" sounds close to nervousness, obsessiveness and anxiousness. It's generally in the beginning stages of infatuation, sexual attraction and lust. It's somewhat uncontrollable and not always grounded in reality. You'll idealize them and daydream about all the positives of someone and overlook or ignore any negatives.
Sure there's feelings of excitement and a sense of romantic intimacy. But it can also involve longing, despair, rollercoasters of intense emotions, desperateness, and like a magical high where you feel like you can't breathe right. But with any high, you will then experience the lows of absentness, clinginess and dependency for someone to fulfill your needs.
As reality sets in and honeymoon phases end, you can also begin to "fall out" of love and realize maybe this person really isn't all the great and wonderful things you drew them out to be in your head. You begin to realize that maybe you projected great qualities on someone that they really don't have.
Dopamine is associated with the beginning of the relationship, where the relationship is passionate, fun and in its early stages.
From there, the brain chemical oxytocin, serotonin, and endorphins are crucial to helping two people stay connected as they are associated with feelings of attachment and comfort.
From there, the brain chemical oxytocin, serotonin, and endorphins are crucial to helping two people stay connected as they are associated with feelings of attachment and comfort.
To me, real love feels very safe, comfortable, secure, warm and relaxed. you can be your true self without fear of any judgment. It's trusting someone and feeling happier when they're around, or the simple enjoyment of spending time together. It's a special bond and rare connection. It's choosing to love someone for who they are. That includes the good and the less good.
Intimacy might require more effort. There will be conflicts. You'll find things about the other you don't particularly like. Long term love involves commitment. Would it be real love if someone is there for you one day and decides not to be the next day? That's not dependable. You want someone who will legit want and continually choose to stay by your side.
In my experience.. I now know that I want someone warm, open, affectionate, giving, emotionally available, kind, thoughtful and who does romantic gestures. I'm not about chasing.. I want someone who wants to be with me. Someone who enjoys spending quality time with me.
I want someone who isn't afraid to communicate about heavier topics, thoughts and feelings. I want someone who I can connect with on a deep level. I want emotional intimacy. Not someone afraid of exploring intimacy. Someone who is willing to build, work and develop a romantic connection. Because if they aren't that type of person, then you're asking for an unstable relationship in the long run.
I'm wired to be very relational, loving and caring. But I see now that love is lethal. It can add unnecessary pressure. Why give love to someone who doesn't want it from you? Save it for someone who equally values and cares about you. Don't get too attached.. It's good to invest in healthy relationships.. but keep in mind you might lose all the investment.. so invest wisely.
Have you ever gone to a shoe store? If you haven't.. who are you? lol. My analogy is that.. in order to find the right shoe size, you usually need to try on a few pairs.. It takes time to walk around the store. Some shoes take even longer time to break in. Some shoe sizes simply are not the right fit and are too uncomfortable, too big or too small, or are neon green. Sometimes I'll go to multiple shoe stores and leave not finding the pair I was hoping for..
In other scenarios.. You might try on a pair, and your feet are happy. Because your feet tell you, yup.. this is a keeper. If trying to find the right shoes is challenging, how much more is it to find the right life partner?!
In other scenarios.. You might try on a pair, and your feet are happy. Because your feet tell you, yup.. this is a keeper. If trying to find the right shoes is challenging, how much more is it to find the right life partner?!
For many men, there is a concept that drives men in relationships. It's called the "hero instinct." It's wanting to step up to the plate for the woman and to be appreciated for his efforts.
I think I do have some sort of rescuer mentality ingrained in me. When someone is in need, you don't hesitate or wait around, you jump into action. I feel like i'm often drawn to shy/ timid girls with anxiety and or depression. I think it's the same innate feeling that drives me towards ministry and counseling. It's like, if I am not useful or not caring for someone, then what exactly is my purpose.. if that makes sense. Perhaps it's the same feeling of parenting. You want to be and feel wanted and needed. You're wired to love, care and nurture.
But as I think about this within me.. I need to realize that although I have a need to be a caregiver and to express affection, I should be careful to not look for co-dependent relationships.
I didn't realize this before, but I really do one day want to be a father. I've been scared of some of the responsibilities. Being a parent means you really have to adult. I know how difficult some kids can be. To me, parenting is just something you really need to make sure your ready for.
And I also thought, I really need someone who'd be a great mother for me to even consider being a father. I've been scared I wouldn't be ready for all that it entails. I kept looking at the sacrifices that I forgot to count the blessings. Love is priceless. You'd do anything to protect those you love. After searching deep within myself, I know that I do want to be a dad.
Part of me as blocked that out from my thoughts, because in order to get to chapter 12, you need to get past chapter 2.
Even if it's not right now, I hope that it's in God's plans to one day be a husband and a father, to really step up and be the leader, provider, and protector of my family. I think I am more and more ready to step in that role.
What kind of gets me is feeling like sometimes life and time is just passing me by. I want to live life to the fullest, but right now I sense I'm missing that equal partner to walk alongside with me.
I think I do have some sort of rescuer mentality ingrained in me. When someone is in need, you don't hesitate or wait around, you jump into action. I feel like i'm often drawn to shy/ timid girls with anxiety and or depression. I think it's the same innate feeling that drives me towards ministry and counseling. It's like, if I am not useful or not caring for someone, then what exactly is my purpose.. if that makes sense. Perhaps it's the same feeling of parenting. You want to be and feel wanted and needed. You're wired to love, care and nurture.
But as I think about this within me.. I need to realize that although I have a need to be a caregiver and to express affection, I should be careful to not look for co-dependent relationships.
I didn't realize this before, but I really do one day want to be a father. I've been scared of some of the responsibilities. Being a parent means you really have to adult. I know how difficult some kids can be. To me, parenting is just something you really need to make sure your ready for.
And I also thought, I really need someone who'd be a great mother for me to even consider being a father. I've been scared I wouldn't be ready for all that it entails. I kept looking at the sacrifices that I forgot to count the blessings. Love is priceless. You'd do anything to protect those you love. After searching deep within myself, I know that I do want to be a dad.
Part of me as blocked that out from my thoughts, because in order to get to chapter 12, you need to get past chapter 2.
Even if it's not right now, I hope that it's in God's plans to one day be a husband and a father, to really step up and be the leader, provider, and protector of my family. I think I am more and more ready to step in that role.
What kind of gets me is feeling like sometimes life and time is just passing me by. I want to live life to the fullest, but right now I sense I'm missing that equal partner to walk alongside with me.
From my short-lived experiences, it has helped sharpen my standards of what I do look for. You learn what you like and don't like. You'll realize what is necessary, what you won't tolerate and what you really need for a relationship to thrive. You realize what your core beliefs and values really are. Any experience is still experience.
For me I think I realized that finding someone I never get tired of talking to seems to be a big indicator for me. If you found someone you really enjoy talking to all day err day, u might have yourself a keeper. I thought I finally found that. but i was wrong. It's a big indicator but it's not everything.
I think men and women shop very differently. In theory and in general, men will usually scan their options and pick something that they're interested and attracted to. It's not impulse buying, but we generally know what we want, what we're looking for, and when we find it, we instantly purchase it and leave the mall. If you're looking for a shirt, most guys will be like yup, that's my size and I like the color and design, checks all my preferences, i'm good to go.
Women on the other hand tend to like to shop around more. They may even initially see something they're drawn to at a store that meets their qualifications, but won't purchase it without going to look at every other store to see if there are better sales or will want to try on several other dresses, and if they can't find anything better, then they'll come back to the one they were initially interested in. And in some cases, by then maybe that last shirt or dress will be bought by someone else.
Not sure if you can see the difference. There are pros and cons. But i guess my point is that women are probably more prone to hypergamy. Yes, men are too. I heard this word and was curious about what it meant. In relationships, it means trying to marry into a higher class or status. It has to do with this belief that there is always better out there. The grass is always greener on the other side. This might also explain why women tend to look for men who are about 5 years older.
Hypergamy is also this mindset of.. Why commit to one guy when you could go on 20 dates to see if there's better? Why settle with 20 when you can date 100? Why like this guy, when you could probably find someone taller or wealthier?
This is often what makes online dating apps and dating in general in our generation so difficult. If you have a pool of 2000 choices to swipe and read a bunch of profiles, you will probably have a difficult time narrowing it down to just one. You might even like someone, but does that person like you more than all of their options too? There are so many factors we have in selecting someone that it's exhausting to find someone who matches everything that we look for.
With too many options, you'll dismiss great choices because well there's an ocean right? And then what are the odds that one decides to also pick you out of the million grains of sand out there? There have been experiments and they find that the smaller pool often leads to more matches. There's also a website that talks about the statistical odds of meeting someone that has all the things you look for. It calculates the population of your state, your nearby location, and how high you value several different factors like age, faith, education, etc. etc. it's meant to prove that the pool of our qualifications is quite small and limited.
It's ok to be particular, picky and have high standards. I'm not saying just settle for anyone. My assumption is that online dating is good for meeting a lot of people, but the danger is that people will still end up alone because why invest in one person when there are so many more options? This is also why many relationships don't last or break up. If they don't like something, instead of working conflicts out, they can just decide to leave or get divorced and find someone new.
I know a girl who would have 20 Tinder dates in a span of a few months. That's a lot of dating. She was a nice girl, but I was definitely not gonna add to her growing numbers. And obviously, I don't think she was really looking for something serious. She'd have a good time but then just go on to the next. If people want something casual then that's their choice. Maybe they don't know what they're even looking for. But it usually led to a lot of rejecting people and hurting them.
Eventually, she met a guy who really liked her and wanted to settle down and start something real. She had difficulty because she knew there were so many other men she could date. She could of easily passed on a great guy with great potential. She enjoyed the freedom of talking to many men and comparing one from the other. It was the freedom to not belong to anyone. She didn't really want to be "tied down" to one person. She eventually realized that she was getting tired of dating and found that this guy could actually make her happy, and she decided to have a committed relationship.
I just wish things were easier ya' know? It feels like the deck is stacked against ya. Can't it be simple? Why does it seem like there's just too many barriers to making a healthy relationship work? I'm so tired of looking and shopping.. I don't like it. I've been ready to start a lifelong relationship and invest in a happy family. I know relationships can be complicated and messy, but they don't have to be right?
With too many options, you'll dismiss great choices because well there's an ocean right? And then what are the odds that one decides to also pick you out of the million grains of sand out there? There have been experiments and they find that the smaller pool often leads to more matches. There's also a website that talks about the statistical odds of meeting someone that has all the things you look for. It calculates the population of your state, your nearby location, and how high you value several different factors like age, faith, education, etc. etc. it's meant to prove that the pool of our qualifications is quite small and limited.
It's ok to be particular, picky and have high standards. I'm not saying just settle for anyone. My assumption is that online dating is good for meeting a lot of people, but the danger is that people will still end up alone because why invest in one person when there are so many more options? This is also why many relationships don't last or break up. If they don't like something, instead of working conflicts out, they can just decide to leave or get divorced and find someone new.
I know a girl who would have 20 Tinder dates in a span of a few months. That's a lot of dating. She was a nice girl, but I was definitely not gonna add to her growing numbers. And obviously, I don't think she was really looking for something serious. She'd have a good time but then just go on to the next. If people want something casual then that's their choice. Maybe they don't know what they're even looking for. But it usually led to a lot of rejecting people and hurting them.
Eventually, she met a guy who really liked her and wanted to settle down and start something real. She had difficulty because she knew there were so many other men she could date. She could of easily passed on a great guy with great potential. She enjoyed the freedom of talking to many men and comparing one from the other. It was the freedom to not belong to anyone. She didn't really want to be "tied down" to one person. She eventually realized that she was getting tired of dating and found that this guy could actually make her happy, and she decided to have a committed relationship.
I just wish things were easier ya' know? It feels like the deck is stacked against ya. Can't it be simple? Why does it seem like there's just too many barriers to making a healthy relationship work? I'm so tired of looking and shopping.. I don't like it. I've been ready to start a lifelong relationship and invest in a happy family. I know relationships can be complicated and messy, but they don't have to be right?
I legit just want something simple, positive and real.
Part of me is just over it. I don't want to be a debby downer, but part of me doesn't ever want to be emotionally vulnerable again. I fall too hard, too fast. I don't want to feel guilty or apologize for having had feelings or liking someone. I don't want to apologize for expressing emotions. I rather be true, open and honest than hide my intentions or play some sort of game to try and be more attractive.
Part of me is just over it. I don't want to be a debby downer, but part of me doesn't ever want to be emotionally vulnerable again. I fall too hard, too fast. I don't want to feel guilty or apologize for having had feelings or liking someone. I don't want to apologize for expressing emotions. I rather be true, open and honest than hide my intentions or play some sort of game to try and be more attractive.
I'm not into power dynamics or conditional love. I treat people as equals, and expect to be viewed the same. I look for the best in people, and I hope others acknowledge the good within me as well. Part of me started to realize.. I cannot keep giving and not receiving anything nice in return right? It should be mutual and reciprocated. Otherwise, why am I giving and investing too much of my self? If you can list 20 nice gestures you did, and cannot list 1 nice gesture they did.. there's an imbalance on both ends.
Maybe i'm drawn to the wrong type. Part of me has become closed off. Why give my heart freely without someone giving theirs? Why love, when there's nothing stopping someone from just walking out on me?
Maybe i'm drawn to the wrong type. Part of me has become closed off. Why give my heart freely without someone giving theirs? Why love, when there's nothing stopping someone from just walking out on me?
As much as I would like to deeply love and care about someone, I think a prerequisite needs to be that they also love and care about me.
There's two types of cats. The cats that are very friendly, warm and affectionate towards humans. They don't mind hugs and cuddles. They like to sleep next to their favorite human. They purr when they're snuggled up close.
There's two types of cats. The cats that are very friendly, warm and affectionate towards humans. They don't mind hugs and cuddles. They like to sleep next to their favorite human. They purr when they're snuggled up close.
Then there are cats who are only there for the food and then they bounce and go back to hiding. They stay away from humans. They avoid interacting with other animals and keep to themselves. They don't need human attention, they're fine on their own.
If you try to pick them up, they might get defensive, claw ya in the face or do their best to run away...... This is why im more of a dog person, or like nice chubby cats. Dogs like to play, they're always smiling, they love to spend time with their favorite human.
The best pets and people (in my opinion) are the ones that want to stay close. The one's that don't really care or run away, they aren't worth chasing after. You want the ones that lie down on your lap and happily take a nap.
I do think true love between a man and woman can last a lifetime. The thing is that it's extremely rare to see examples of strong, healthy and happy Christian marriages that last. Even the good examples will tell you it's not always easy and requires a lot of work.
I've witnessed too many divorces. I refuse to ever go through that. I rather be single then be with the wrong person. Maybe the hopeful romantic in me really has become hopeless. Passion, intimacy and true love are but fairy tales at least in my experience. You can experience a moment of it, but marriages that last 40-50 years are not reliant on passion and romance. It goes much deeper, to a profound love.. that says, yeah we have our differences, but I love you no matter what, I accept all of you, and I'll always be there for you.
I'm never offering my 100% again without someone also putting in their 100%. And if someone isn't willing to give their all into a relationship, then neither should I.
We all crave the good of relationships, but often forget how difficult it is to really foster and maintain a healthy relationship. It requires so much, there's so many issues, problems and barriers that can prevent true intimacy and healthy communication.
Honestly it feels like building a relationship is like building a house of cards. Yeah it's possible.. but it's also possible for it to easily collapse. List all the things you think a healthy relationship requires.. now is that something you can easily find? Am I too idealistic? Maybe..
It honestly makes me question true love. My idealism of a relationship is probably too perfect and romanticized. Highs also preassume lows, the mundane, the boring and dull. We heighten the hallmark feelings of bliss and romance, when in reality that's not what true love is about.
Attraction might be a natural pull of interest, but Love is a choice. You can choose to love or not to love. You can choose to develop intimacy or push it away.
I honestly don't think I can truly love with all that I am again without knowing for certain a partner will be devoted and committed to loving and caring for me as well. Not just gonna guard my heart, but i'm locking it away. If God has plans to make something work, then I think He's gonna need to make that very obvious.
I can sense myself building up walls around me. It's the very thing I didn't like in those I was interested in. I'm afraid of intimacy as much as I want it. because I don't know if it truly lasts or if it will one day it'll decide to disappear. I understand why people refuse to give themselves fully to falling in love.
Losing someone you care about can almost be equivalent to a death of a loved one. I know the deep pain of heartbreak. It's the hardest feelings and emotions I've had to learn to manage and recover from. Do you know what it's like to wake up every morning with your heart physically throbbing and aching, feeling unloved?
Well I do, and I pray that no one else out there has to feel that, cuz it's the worst. It's easy to become bitter or resentful.. but ultimately I'm the only one who caused myself pain and hurt. And this is ground zero fro me to build myself back stronger.
I thought I was ready to pursue a meaningful Christ-centered relationship. I thought I was ready to move towards something as great as marriage and even starting a happy family with children. I could see a wonderful happy future. But maybe that was just in my head. I romanticized an idea.
In the end, I cannot want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. Why give everything to someone who gives nothing? You want someone who's willing to give it their everything to create a happy and healthy family. you definitely shouldn't need to try and impress, persuade, convince or try to influence someone to love you. They like you or they don't. You can't change how someone feels.
Detach, accept, let go. Focus on other areas of your life. You'll get better over time. I know it's hard. I know your hurting. But it'll get better. It's gonna be ok. If she was able to walk out of your life so easily, and you don't mean much to her.. she obviously isn't the right person for you. Don't close your heart off to everyone. Don't become jaded. There's someone out there open, warm, and caring who you have to become ready to meet. So pick yourself up off the ground, and be the man of confidence, wholeness, fullness, and abundance.
I thought true love would be something very easy, natural, and organic. Someone you could easily feel comfortable with and connect on deep levels. But i'm starting to see that, there is a difficult side to love that requires a lot of intentionality, and dealing with uncomfortable conflicts and differences.
True love is willing to fight for it. To lean into the uncomfortable parts of our insecurities. To express our needs, and fears. To reassure affection, to be vulnerable with emotions, to accept another fully, to be open to communication, honest with our thoughts and to be there for someone even through challenging times. this is why it all just seems like a fairytale to me. Hasn't existed in my experience.
I know the relationship that I want to build, but it hasn't manifested in my life. So that kind of makes me question God. Hey God. what's going on? am i missing something? Kinda lost here.
Am I just setting myself up for failure? Do I idolize a picture-perfect relationship? Do I have more insecurities that I need to work on? Perhaps I have soulmate rose-tinted glasses that wants to believe that true love is possible. But part of me has begun to doubt if reality will match what I want.
I want something real for the long haul. I want someone to be there for me as I am for them, no matter what. Through thick and thin, through ups and downs. Does that truly exist? Or is love always fleeting? Does it truly last? Or does "love peak in the beginning and inevitablely fade because of time, circumstances, differences and fights etc?"
If you try to pick them up, they might get defensive, claw ya in the face or do their best to run away...... This is why im more of a dog person, or like nice chubby cats. Dogs like to play, they're always smiling, they love to spend time with their favorite human.
The best pets and people (in my opinion) are the ones that want to stay close. The one's that don't really care or run away, they aren't worth chasing after. You want the ones that lie down on your lap and happily take a nap.
I do think true love between a man and woman can last a lifetime. The thing is that it's extremely rare to see examples of strong, healthy and happy Christian marriages that last. Even the good examples will tell you it's not always easy and requires a lot of work.
I've witnessed too many divorces. I refuse to ever go through that. I rather be single then be with the wrong person. Maybe the hopeful romantic in me really has become hopeless. Passion, intimacy and true love are but fairy tales at least in my experience. You can experience a moment of it, but marriages that last 40-50 years are not reliant on passion and romance. It goes much deeper, to a profound love.. that says, yeah we have our differences, but I love you no matter what, I accept all of you, and I'll always be there for you.
I'm never offering my 100% again without someone also putting in their 100%. And if someone isn't willing to give their all into a relationship, then neither should I.
We all crave the good of relationships, but often forget how difficult it is to really foster and maintain a healthy relationship. It requires so much, there's so many issues, problems and barriers that can prevent true intimacy and healthy communication.
Honestly it feels like building a relationship is like building a house of cards. Yeah it's possible.. but it's also possible for it to easily collapse. List all the things you think a healthy relationship requires.. now is that something you can easily find? Am I too idealistic? Maybe..
It honestly makes me question true love. My idealism of a relationship is probably too perfect and romanticized. Highs also preassume lows, the mundane, the boring and dull. We heighten the hallmark feelings of bliss and romance, when in reality that's not what true love is about.
Attraction might be a natural pull of interest, but Love is a choice. You can choose to love or not to love. You can choose to develop intimacy or push it away.
I honestly don't think I can truly love with all that I am again without knowing for certain a partner will be devoted and committed to loving and caring for me as well. Not just gonna guard my heart, but i'm locking it away. If God has plans to make something work, then I think He's gonna need to make that very obvious.
I can sense myself building up walls around me. It's the very thing I didn't like in those I was interested in. I'm afraid of intimacy as much as I want it. because I don't know if it truly lasts or if it will one day it'll decide to disappear. I understand why people refuse to give themselves fully to falling in love.
Losing someone you care about can almost be equivalent to a death of a loved one. I know the deep pain of heartbreak. It's the hardest feelings and emotions I've had to learn to manage and recover from. Do you know what it's like to wake up every morning with your heart physically throbbing and aching, feeling unloved?
Well I do, and I pray that no one else out there has to feel that, cuz it's the worst. It's easy to become bitter or resentful.. but ultimately I'm the only one who caused myself pain and hurt. And this is ground zero fro me to build myself back stronger.
I thought I was ready to pursue a meaningful Christ-centered relationship. I thought I was ready to move towards something as great as marriage and even starting a happy family with children. I could see a wonderful happy future. But maybe that was just in my head. I romanticized an idea.
In the end, I cannot want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. Why give everything to someone who gives nothing? You want someone who's willing to give it their everything to create a happy and healthy family. you definitely shouldn't need to try and impress, persuade, convince or try to influence someone to love you. They like you or they don't. You can't change how someone feels.
Detach, accept, let go. Focus on other areas of your life. You'll get better over time. I know it's hard. I know your hurting. But it'll get better. It's gonna be ok. If she was able to walk out of your life so easily, and you don't mean much to her.. she obviously isn't the right person for you. Don't close your heart off to everyone. Don't become jaded. There's someone out there open, warm, and caring who you have to become ready to meet. So pick yourself up off the ground, and be the man of confidence, wholeness, fullness, and abundance.
I thought true love would be something very easy, natural, and organic. Someone you could easily feel comfortable with and connect on deep levels. But i'm starting to see that, there is a difficult side to love that requires a lot of intentionality, and dealing with uncomfortable conflicts and differences.
True love is willing to fight for it. To lean into the uncomfortable parts of our insecurities. To express our needs, and fears. To reassure affection, to be vulnerable with emotions, to accept another fully, to be open to communication, honest with our thoughts and to be there for someone even through challenging times. this is why it all just seems like a fairytale to me. Hasn't existed in my experience.
I know the relationship that I want to build, but it hasn't manifested in my life. So that kind of makes me question God. Hey God. what's going on? am i missing something? Kinda lost here.
Am I just setting myself up for failure? Do I idolize a picture-perfect relationship? Do I have more insecurities that I need to work on? Perhaps I have soulmate rose-tinted glasses that wants to believe that true love is possible. But part of me has begun to doubt if reality will match what I want.
I want something real for the long haul. I want someone to be there for me as I am for them, no matter what. Through thick and thin, through ups and downs. Does that truly exist? Or is love always fleeting? Does it truly last? Or does "love peak in the beginning and inevitablely fade because of time, circumstances, differences and fights etc?"
I don't understand some things. Why would God let me connect so deeply to just have me disconnect? Why lead me to someone who then i'm just supposed to let go of. Why bring someone I could talk to forever, to then just not talk to at all.
This is why I now fear attachment, connection and intimacy. Now i'm hyper-cautious and guarded. I'm afraid to deeply love because there's no guarantee that will be returned. I'm sure there's some sort of lesson here.. somewhere.
I thought you were the one I would spend the rest of my life with. I got caught up with seeing our entire future together. I eventually did see visions of our children. And it's hard to accept that they won't truly exist and it was just my imagination. I thought you were my best friend. I thought we had something special. I was wrong.
It's taken me a long time to detach. Letting go of you is honestly the hardest thing I've had to do. I never loved anyone in my life more (except my mum). And I think I always love you in some form. I deeply care about you. Even if you don't care about me. If caring is unattractive, then so be it. I tried my best to stop caring.. and I realized that's just not the answer, and my heart refuses to do that.
It's taken me a long time to detach. Letting go of you is honestly the hardest thing I've had to do. I never loved anyone in my life more (except my mum). And I think I always love you in some form. I deeply care about you. Even if you don't care about me. If caring is unattractive, then so be it. I tried my best to stop caring.. and I realized that's just not the answer, and my heart refuses to do that.
I tried to push myself to say goodbye multiple times. Yet my heart won't allow that. But at this point, I accept that you don't want me in your life. You haven't fought for any form of relationship with me. Not even friendship. You haven't done anything kind, romantic, or loving towards me. I can't recall any of those gestures. Sure you were polite. But that's not trying to form intimacy.
I don't want to harbor resentment. I think I did for a long time. I tried to win your heart, thinking in a relationship you would be open, warm and giving towards me. I didn't experience any warmth from you, because I think your anxiety blocks intimacy. To some extent, you're emotionally unavailable and cold. You don't express love and those emotions. You weren't willing to invest emotionally or share your feelings. That's fair. But it's also why nothing was able to develop and grow.
In my perception you simply do not care about me. I communicate in all forms of love languages. Your main one is quality time. Which we haven't had in the last year.
I cannot change the way you feel or don't feel. For a long time I wanted a real answer why we didn't work. And yeah your powerball made some sense, but at the same time should be completely negated. You gave up without really even talking about your concerns. I felt like you didn't own any responsibility to why we didn't work. I gave as much of myself as I could, and perhaps that was my mistake. I wasn't focused on myself and I made you too important.
I know I probably sound super bitter. I'm not anymore. ehh mybe still a little.. I just felt like I needed to vocalize this somewhere. It's not like you even read this blog anymore. Remember when you gave me that hug? Oh yeah, that's right. You weren't able to. Remember when you told me happy birthday Chris, happy thanksgiving and merry Christmas? Oh yeah those never happened. Remember those videos I sent ya? Oh yeah, you didn't watch those did you? We will need to find new people to create new memories.
I'm sorry it took me so long to accept.
I know I probably sound super bitter. I'm not anymore. ehh mybe still a little.. I just felt like I needed to vocalize this somewhere. It's not like you even read this blog anymore. Remember when you gave me that hug? Oh yeah, that's right. You weren't able to. Remember when you told me happy birthday Chris, happy thanksgiving and merry Christmas? Oh yeah those never happened. Remember those videos I sent ya? Oh yeah, you didn't watch those did you? We will need to find new people to create new memories.
I'm sorry it took me so long to accept.
These were some of the things I was very upset about. These are things I didn't want to confront you about. u simply don't love or care about me. I don't want to hold on to any resentment, grudges or hard feelings. God help me forgive and let go.
Why would I want to be with someone or even be friends with someone who doesn't show me in any form that they care about me? If you taught me anything, it's that I need to look for someone who has a heart that's ready to be in a loving relationship. Who is kind, giving, warm and affectionate. Someone who can communicate instead of just avoids tough conversations. Perhaps I also avoid them as well.
I don't want to disturb the peace between us. But if I'm holding all this in.. perhaps it's not truly peace. I need to forgive and just process this on my own. You don't owe me anything. You made it clear you don't want to talk. If we never talk again, so be it. I rather have someone who wants to love and be with me.
I don't understand or have all the answers. But there is only one thing I am sure of, and that is that I need to put my trust in God. Whether or not my life goes the way I'd want, I know that my God is worthy of all praise and worship, that he is truly the centerpiece of all that is good. Whether you're in a relationship, married, or single, God is always first.
Once in a while, I'll have a random profound thought. Here are some worth writing down and sharing.
Some people are only meant for a season. Some people are meant for a lifetime. Make sure you know the difference.
Some people are only meant for a season. Some people are meant for a lifetime. Make sure you know the difference.
You can't do the wrong thing with the right person.
Have clear boundaries and the self-respect to know what you won't put up with and how you deserve to be treated. If you're mistreated, it's because you have not taught or communicated how you wish to be treated.
We are made and created for deep friendships. When we lack that, our inner lives hurt because we know something is missing.
In the past, I would fight unending for the best people I want to keep in my life. But I've realized.. no, you shouldn't have to fight super hard. The best people will want to be part of your life.
Have clear boundaries and the self-respect to know what you won't put up with and how you deserve to be treated. If you're mistreated, it's because you have not taught or communicated how you wish to be treated.
We are made and created for deep friendships. When we lack that, our inner lives hurt because we know something is missing.
In the past, I would fight unending for the best people I want to keep in my life. But I've realized.. no, you shouldn't have to fight super hard. The best people will want to be part of your life.
Whatever happens, happens. Whatever will be, will be.
Find someone who will challenge you and call you out, but with gentleness.
Hurt people, hurt people. Healed people, Heal people.
Good Communication can help repair and prevent misunderstanding.
It's not so much about the quantity of relationships, but about the quality of relationships.
It's not so much about the quantity of relationships, but about the quality of relationships.
Love is wanting the best for someone.
When we are full and satisfied in God and in healthy friendships, we notice that we become much less in need of a relationship.
How do we go about healthy relationships yet not depending on one for happiness? The answer is not found in being an independent lonesome monk. Nor is it in chasing external validation from people or things to fill an internal need. Rather, we must develop interdependence in being strong within ourselves, so that we have an abundance to give and bless others. It's a mutual healthy reliance of being there for those important to us.
No matter who you are, I think we all deserve to be treated with love and respect. We all deserve to be happy. We deserve warm, kind and caring friendships. We deserve to feel appreciated, valued, cherished and loved. But perhaps even more profound is learning to give ourselves those very things.
When we are full and satisfied in God and in healthy friendships, we notice that we become much less in need of a relationship.
How do we go about healthy relationships yet not depending on one for happiness? The answer is not found in being an independent lonesome monk. Nor is it in chasing external validation from people or things to fill an internal need. Rather, we must develop interdependence in being strong within ourselves, so that we have an abundance to give and bless others. It's a mutual healthy reliance of being there for those important to us.
Love, value, care and appreciate yourself.
I think that starts with changing our inner self-talk and critical thoughts. Direct all those good feelings towards yourself. Love yourself, be kind to yourself, and eventually, you can build a stronger foundation with someone who wants to grow together in unity.
I think the big take-home message for myself is to have a stronger sense of self-love, to be confident and strong when communicating vulnerability, and to not get jaded about relationships, but invest appropriately in building healthy interdependence. Acknowledge the areas where I need to work on myself. We grow in what we practice. We are all capable of change and self-development.
Loving yourself is not some sort of lesson you learn, master and then move on from. It's a discipline you must constantly practice every day. Self-love is really self-discipline. If you love yourself, you will do the work required to treat yourself in the best way. Practically what ways can we practice self-love? How can we be better to ourselves?
I think the big take-home message for myself is to have a stronger sense of self-love, to be confident and strong when communicating vulnerability, and to not get jaded about relationships, but invest appropriately in building healthy interdependence. Acknowledge the areas where I need to work on myself. We grow in what we practice. We are all capable of change and self-development.
Loving yourself is not some sort of lesson you learn, master and then move on from. It's a discipline you must constantly practice every day. Self-love is really self-discipline. If you love yourself, you will do the work required to treat yourself in the best way. Practically what ways can we practice self-love? How can we be better to ourselves?
If you love yourself, you'll be responsible for managing yourself. Now's the time to create healthy habits. Now's the time to find what we want in life. More than inspiration and motivation, cultivate self-love and self-discipline because those will carry you through the days you don't feel like do anything. Most of the time it's just taking the first action step. With a strong mind, you can basically accomplish anything.
We can maintain our full identity and self-esteem with or without a relationship. We can be full and confident in our identity in Jesus Christ. We can be whole and satisfied in the love of Christ just as we are. When we've found our identity rooted in Jesus Christ, we no longer seek attention, approval or validation from others.
When you look at many of our deepest needs, we'll find that we can often give them to ourselves. You want to feel loved? Give it to yo self, because then you will always have.
And besides that, just be true to yourself, Be your absolute best self, focus on your goals consistently, find meaning and keep life simple. Be happy. Love God, love yourself and love others.
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