defeated

I feel stressed, tired, empty, sad, frustrated, depressed, worried, and defeated. School is kicking me in the butt. I get depressed on Monday and Wednesday from 430 on, because that's when i have hebrew. That class makes me feel really dumb. It's so hard to keep up and do all the work that gets assigned. I pretty much know everything about hebrew.. except the hebrew grammar, pronunciation, parsing, vocabulary, grammatical exceptions, conjunctions, pronouns, adjectives, suffixes, construct chains, and all the verbal paradigms. Besides all that i know it all.

It's strange that even tho i have probably the easiest hebrew teacher, the content and course is still ridiculously hard. He calls on people to read and translate sentences, sometimes randomly. So i did an easy one ahead, because if you volunteer he doesn't pick you later. So i was waiting for him to call number 2. And he doesn't always go 1,2,3,4,5 it's like number 15 on page 187, number 4 on page 189. So he said number 2, and i was like.. crap does he mean this number 2 that i did?! or another one, then some other dude raised his hand and stole the one i did. So i was panicking trying to improvise translating other sentences he might pick. Luckily class ended. It's like that everyday in class. I'm seriously so lost. I do my best to not complain about the class, but it affects me mood so much.

Gahh. and this new internship thing at this church is so time consuming. 9am Mon class with the Prof., Tuesday night for college group, 9am Wednesday morning meeting with the prof. Thursday i have class with the same Prof. then later that thursday night i hafta go to counseling groups, Sunday 9am small groups n service. And i'm supposed to get in contact with 2 other leaders to meet with them. All for a 1 credit internship course.. greaaaat... ima bout to blow up

I'm also worried about how i'll be able to form a full time career outta counseling. It seems like the 4-5yr masters of divinity degree really only gets me a part time job counseling in a church. So that makes me worry about the future. I wish everythin wasn't ran by money in this world. it jus seems to cause headaches. Sometimes i escape to a superhero fantasy dream world where everything is easy and fun. Every time i get sucked back to reality i feel like i jus endure the hard parts of the day. And I know things could always be harder and worst, but i guess i'm jus in a downer mood cuz i'm not happy with my current circumstance and responsibilities.

I was talking to my dad and he said, he woke up to leave at 6am, and he didn't wanna get outta bed, cuz he knew he'd be working till past midnight. And my mom always has tons of energy to work long hours every week too. My parents have such a hard work ethic and i feel like the complete opposite. I feel defeated when met with difficult challenges. If life was a video game, sometimes it'd be nice to put the setting on "very easy." Makes me reminisce how easy my childhood was.. play all day with your friends and have fun. Now it seems it's just school and work till you die.

least i'm goin snowboarding this weekend!!!! YAAHHH SNOOOOWWW!! AHHHH YEEAAAH!