i jus saw that i posted 115 blogs in 2012.. that averages to like 1 every 3 days, and i thought i didn't blog that much, lol.. geez chris..
the picture is from the young adult group, 18-25yr olds. It was encouraging and refreshing to worship with them, i'll probably continue going every week. Lemme know if any of u guys are interested in going. It was a little different being the new guy and trying to immerse myself into this community. I pretty much make up the whole asian population, lol. Tonight i went to a grief share thing at church. There were about 8 people there, and everyone had lost a loved one in their family.. Well except me. I jus went as an intern to observe, and i'll continue to go for a few weeks to see what it's like. We watched a video about losing a spouse. Each week, they cover difference aspects. I think it's a 14 week meeting thing. Anyways, the video had some pretty good insights.
When you lose a loved one, you don't realize that some of your hopes, plans and dreams also die. One girl later talked about how they were planning to take a trip because her dad was in remission for cancer. But now everything they wanted to do couldnt happen. Some people shared how hard doing everything the first time without a family member was hard. Like birthdays, Christmas and holidays. For spouses, being home alone, taking care of finances, sleeping alone, eating alone, and just the difficulty of losing someone so close. People made good use of those tissue boxes.
It made my heart hurt jus thinking how much these people were hurting. The lady next to me, had her father murdered, her mother also passed away from illness and her brother overdosed on drugs, all within two years. She said she turned to alcohol and couldn't deal with the responsibilities of handling money. But she shared that the experience also led her to come to church and become a christian.
.......
I guess overall, talk therapy, and sharing the grief with others helped release some of the pain and regrets. I guess we have a hard time sharing about our darkest pains and sorrows. I forgot how much an empathetic ear really helps during counseling. This one guy talked about how his son overdosed on drugs even when they tried so hard to support and be there for him. And i guess, i thought, wow.. my problems don't compare to what these people went through. It also made me think of my family, and specifically my grandma. Since she's getting old, and still doesn't know Jesus. God seems to be convicting me to reach out to people, but practically i feel kinda paralyzed since i'm not quite sure what to do.
Overall, i am reminded at our dire need for community. People who lack community and intimacy with God, become lonely. and that's one step towards falling into depression, and from there it's not hard to fall into addictions, substances, and other idols to seek to fill.
At the church there's also a divorce care meeting and a reunite meeting that focuses on couples n marriages. My friend has been having a lot of arguments with his gf, and part of me wants to help, but at the same time i think it's better to stay out of their business. I guess i'm jus wondering if i'll ever really be able to help people when they go through such heavy times.
On a side note, i think i need to really focus on taking care of my own well being and health. How can i grow in my walk with God and cultivate healthy relationships? Spiritually, i feel like im in limbo. i can be in deep prayer or worship for a minute, and the next thing i know, im distracted. I feel like i don't have much patience to sit down and really commune with God. Ive been doin a pretty decent job physically, by exercising and eating a little better. Every week, jus goin to the gym seems to be the highlight of my day. Mentally, i've kinda jus been doin enough to get by in school. Relationally, i feel like it's easy to jus withdraw from people, plus people are busy or not available. So guess that leaves me alone with my thoughts. It's weird. i can be around people, and yet, i still feel isolated. Maybe i'm jus angry at myself. idk, maybe nothings wrong with me.
lol u ever feel confused not knowing what your really feeling? or why ur feeling a certain way? jus blahh.. I feel numb to emotion. I kinda jus zone out. It feels like im searchin for something to entertain me. School work jus irritates me. It's weird that i'm pursuing counseling, and yet i feel so depressed. We got to choose topics for counseling class, and i chose depression. so guess ill be researching the topic later this semester.
I feel like freedom n laughter give me happiness, but school kinda sucks that away. These last two weeks felt really long and kinda boring. Perhaps it's because i do so much on my own. i blame the cold grey weather. hopefully snowboarding gives me a jump start. i could use some excitement. I feel like the older you get, less things grab your interest. i think i might be home sick? i'm not sure what's wrong with me, but ive been feeling super out of it lately. I JUS NEED A DOG!
Ive been watchin the 1990's x-men cartoon, since i never really watched it when i was younger. Super powers jus really appeal to me. Mutants banding together to protect their kind from crazy violent humans and politics. Oh and villains and giant sentinel robots. I had a dream that giant sentinel robots were grabbing people through their homes, and godzillas were attacking the city. They sent in an R2D2 robot to scan for human life forms. But we hid behind our white garbage bags, full of clothes, in the closet. The government shot down most of the sentinels. Then the ocean froze, and we ran to Antarctica or Korea. and they were like.. Hey you're american! how'd u get here. and i explained that the ocean froze, and that we jus survived an apocalypse.
I feel like i have time on my hands, since i'm intentionally trying to slow myself down to make myself more available. However, i don't really know what to do with myself. Jus cuz i have the time, doesn't mean i have the self discipline. Havin to go to church 4 times a week is actually probably a good thing to keep me accountable. It's kinda awkward meeting new people, especially if you can't really relate to them. It's awkward sitting in a room, with no one really knowing what to say. Then someone makes a lame joke that's not funny, but you try to laugh to be polite. I guess i'm jus unfamiliar with this semester.
I like this song from the movie "Safety Not Guaranteed" the movie was alright. it reminded me of "Griff the Invisible." (guy who believes he's a real superhero) and in safety not guaranteed, the guy believes he's making a time machine and that he can travel back in time, and everyone things he's crazy. But in both movies, there's always a girl who believes in the guy. She sees that what others call weird, crazy, and different, as unique, rare, and incredible.
I feel like school institutions and financial responsibilities limit our creativity. We do the same thing for years, usually indoors. I wanna live in a dream world. Where each day is full of wonder, amazement and new experiences. It's like hearing a new song, that takes you somewhere u've never been before. I want something that captivates me. I want to create and dream and be an artist. But when we color a sky green, with purple clouds, we're told that it's wrong, and that we need to stay in the lines. We're told to conform to a system and a culture. I feel trapped. Like i'm not moving. I want to capture beauty, and be consumed by awe. I want to be free to play and build sand castles. I want to live. I want to live embracing God's blessings to the fullest. I want the cool breeze of the wind, the warmth of the sun, the sight of trees dancing, the peace of open fields, the sound of the ocean moving backing and forth and the wonderment of an enormous starlit sky. But nope, we stay in front of our computer and tv screens, and live each day like the last.
I feel like I might be losing touch of my goals and what God has called me to. Why exactly am i goin to seminary? Is it for a degree and for selfish reasons? I don't feel like some of the classes are worth taking, cough Greek, Hebrew. Is it really equipping me to be a better servant of Christ? I feel like i'm torn between the conflict of making a living to provide for a family, or devoting myself to changing the world. Which is really done by being an agent for God. And i know we can serve God and still make a living. But it seems like more weight and priority is given to storing up enough cash so u can buy a house and pay off bills. It seems like the American Dream, is a dream of comfort and easy sailing. Is that what i'm after? Or do i want to give my life for the sake of Christ, serving him fully, without compromise. But it's not like i can jus drop everything and become a 3rd world missionary
evangelist. I don't think that's God's calling. However, i know it's something more bold than how i've been living.
As Christians, we've been called to share Christ, proclaiming the good news of God's kingdom, and declaring his word, will and way. But i don't feel like a soldier. I don't feel like an ambassador, I don't feel like a pastor preacher, i don't feel like a counselor, nor a leader. Will i continue to live my life aimlessly, and without purpose? Or will i lay down my life in humility for his glory? We Christians, nay, I get too comfortable thinking that jus goin to church fulfills my duty. We, nay I, I fear stepping out of the christian bubble, afraid to interact with others, afraid to mention God my savior. I'm tired of this shenanigans. self-gratification, self-righteousness, and living for my own comforts. And yet, i continue to stay paralyzed, idle, and lack the courage to take action. Life without God is meaningless. God may i decrease so you may increase, use me for your will. Help me to practically serve and be a witness for you, direct me when i fall astray, and lead me in the way of everlasting.
Jus some random songs and hymns..
Oh God, You are my God
And I will ever praise You
I will seek You in the morning
And I will learn to walk in Your ways
And Step by step You'll lead me
And I will follow You all of my days
__
Every move I make, I make in you
You make me move, Jesus
Every breath I take, I breathe in you
Every step I take, I take in you
You are my way, Jesus
Every breath I take, I breathe in you
Waves of mercy, waves of grace
Everywhere I look I see your face
Your love has captured me
O my God, this love, how can it be?
___
I'm forgiven because you were forsaken
I'm accepted, you were condemned
I'm alive and well
Your spirit is within me
Because you died and rose again
Amazing love how can it be
That you, my king would die for me
Amazing love, I know it's true
It's my joy to honor you
Amazing love how can it be?
That you, my king, would die for me
Amazing love, I know it's true
Its my joy to honor you
In all I do I honor you
__
Jesus paid it all, all to Him I owe;
Sin had left a crimson stain,
He washed it white as snow.
____
You are my strength when I am weak
You are the treasure that I seek
You are my all in all
Seeking You as a precious jewel
Lord, to give up I'd be a fool
You are my all in all
Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your name
Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your name
Taking my sin, my cross, my shame
Rising again I bless Your name
You are my all in all
When I fall down You pick me up
When I am dry You fill my cup
You are my all in all
____
Jesus my Lord, You know me so well,
You know my going out, You discern my lying down
You're precious to me, you're thoughts are so clear
If i rise on wings of dawn, go to the far side of the sea
No matter where i go, your hand will comfort me,
You're my God, i'm proud, i want to sing about you
praise your name out loud, I want the world to hear
You're my God you turned my mountains into pathways
You're my God, you turned my darkness into light
You're my God you promised never to forsake me,
You're my God and i'm your precious child
______
My Jesus, My Saviour,
Lord there is no one like you,
All of my days, I want to praise
The wonders of Your mighty love.
My comfort, my shelter,
Tower of refuge and strength
Let every breath, all that I am
Never cease to worship You.
Shout to the Lord, all the earth let us sing,
Power and majesty, praise to the King!
Mountains bow down and the seas will roar,
At the sound of your name!
I sing for joy at the work of your hands,
Forever I'll love you, forever I'll stand
Nothing compares to the promise I have in You.
___
Lord I lift your name on high
Lord I love to sing your praises
I'm so glad you are in my life
I'm so glad you came to save us.
You came from heaven to earth, to show the way
From the earth to the cross, my debt to pay
From the cross to the grave, from the grave to the sky
Lord I lift your name on high.
___
The nails in Your hands
The nails in Your feet
tell me how much You love me.
The thorns on Your brow
They tell me how
You bore so much shame to love me.
And when the Heavens pass away
All Your scars will still remain
And forever they will say
Just how much You love me.
Forever my love
Forever my heart
Forever my life is Yours
It's Yours
____
O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be!
Let that grace now like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here's my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.
____
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.
T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.
____
On and on and on and on it goes
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul
And I never, ever, have to be afraid
One thing remains
Your love never fails, never gives up
Never runs out on me
_____
Falling on my knees in worship
Giving all I am to seek your face
Lord all I am is yours
My whole life
I place in your hands
God of Mercy
Humbled I bow down
In your presence at your throne
I called you answered
And you came to my rescue and I
I wanna be where you are
In my life be lifted high
In our world be lifted high
In our love be lifted high
_____
Jesus, Lover of my soul,
Jesus, I will never let you go
You’ve taken me from the miry clay
You've set my feet upon the Rock, and now i know
I love you, I need you,
Though my world may fall, I’ll never let you go
My Saviour, my closest friend,
I will worship you until the very end
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