just a thought

Have you ever wondered what you wanna do with your life? lol if not u should. Lately i have this deep yearning to do something big, courageous, daring and something that shares the gospel. I want to use this life to be self-sacrificing. It's so hard to die to the self. It's almost as if we're programed to self-gratify ourselves with comforts. As much as it always seems we don't have enough money. We're still the top 12% richest people on the planet. What's tricky is that, even if you desire to serve and give your life towards something, what are your true intentions and reasons why? I'm conflicted, because i know i desire to have a family, a stable career and a above average home. I guess.. i've been seeing all our education and work, as pretty self-centered.

When we're really honest with ourself, we really only care about ourselves. If we were to make a pie chart of how much we invest into serving, helping others, and sharing the love of Christ with others, we might make a 1% piece of pie. I guess i'm jus convicted that so many people don't know God, and that so many Christians including myself, aren't taking any action to do anything about it. And yet, even when we get super convicted and watch a sad commercial of hungry children, how often do we do anything about it. I find myself being greedy and selfish with money and possessions. I've considered doing small scale evangelism, starting up a simple ministry or doing a mission trip. I've even considered the peace core, cuz im sure it'd be a great experience. I feel like i wanna jus go somewhere, serve people, cut off technology and American luxuries. Perhaps it'd be easier to commune with God. But would i truly be serving for the sake of God's kingdom, or would it jus be to feel better about myself. Even tho i'm in seminary. I feel stagnant. I feel like it's all jus academics and head knowledge. Theology is necessary, but so is a deep intimacy and personal relationship with God.

It seems like fulfillment, purpose, and significance, don't really have anything in common with finical success. On one hand, i don't wanna be dirty poor working my butt off, working multiple jobs just to hold a roof over my head. It'd be nice to save money for kids, traveling vacations, and shiny household appliances. It'd be nice not having to worry about paying off debt. But would those things really make me happy? Wouldn't i jus be conforming to the big machine system of society and the american dream? On the other hand, i could see myself devoting my time towards really investing in people's lives and leading people closer to Jesus. And i guess some of my fears, keep those intentions as mere dreams.

I think jus thinkin about the future made me begin to think what i want to do with my life.. i mean.. should i go for more counseling MFT or MSW to become a professional therapist? If so, why did i go to seminary? Should i jus do pastoral counseling in the church? But no church offers that as a full time job. Do i need to pick up another career like biblical teaching in high school? God what am i supposed to do?

I feel like God is pressing on me to die to my selfish comfortable ways, and to become more bold in faith. Faith is trusting God, regardless of how tempting easier options look. I say to myself, "well maybe i'll jus do somethings for God on a smaller scale." And sure we can do little things here and there. But, how much greater would it be, if we were really able to give God all of ourselves? I want a simple yet strong faith, that says, all i really want and need is my God. All i want to do is praise Him, serve, obey and live in holiness. But realistically, it's hard to do that if your not a monk. In our world, distractions are luring. The enemy says, "What's wrong with living for yourself? You can be comfortable, safe, rich." I guess i'm starting to understand why Jesus always compared seeking first his kingdom to seeking after money. I guess it's hard when we can't jus completely ignore the use and need of money. John Piper said, being rich is almost always a curse. And i guess i don't think being rich is bad, but i think it jus makes u lose sight of what's really important in life. What good is it for someone to gain the whole world and yet forfeit their soul?

Honestly, whens the last time we prayed for someone? When's the last time we spent more than a few quick minutes, to intentionally be present with God? I know the christian life isn't by how much we do, and that God loves us regardless. However, arn't good trees naturally supposed to bear good fruit? Isn't faith without works dead? As Christians, we're commissioned by God to do great things! The church is supposed to be a vehicle that disciples, equips and sends people out to reach the lost and the broken. I think the majority of us are jus paralyzed with fear, lacking the boldness to start something new, or to do something daring, big and courageous. We fear rejection, persecution, a conflict, or get afraid they'll ask us hard questions. But what's the consequence if we don't open our mouths, and don't reach out? In a sense, we're allowing them to face judgement and condemnation for their sins. We need to overcome our fears and social pressures about sharing God with others. How the heck are we supposed to share Jesus when we barely talk about him with other christians? How can i share God with others, when i myself don't really spend any time with Him? I think.. if we really knew God, we would want to make him known. If we really encountered God's love and forgiving grace, I don't think we'd just wanna keep it to ourselves.

I watched a movie called "Moonrise Kingdom." And it was pretty darn good. It's about a young boy and girl who run away and try to escape their routine lives. Other things didn't matter, as long as they were together. Sometimes i really wonder what that'd be like. What if I were to surrender it all? If God asked, could i give up marriage? If God asked me, move to a 3rd world country and live there the rest of your life, could i do it? Is my faith strong enough to move when God directs me to? I guess those are more extreme scenarios. I guess i jus don't want to live a normal, boring, and mediocre life. What am i really living for? Who am i really living for?

lol i know this blog was about deeper things. But i jus watched a movie called "Silver Linings Playbook." and it was about a guy who's bipolar and is obsessed with this girl. And i guess he meets another girl who also has a bunch of dark issues. And his dad has OCD and is kinda chaotic too. So there's so much chaos, dysfunction and arguments. but practicing a dance routine with this girl became his therapy, and eventually they're able to heal and move on from their crazy past. Sometimes we get obsessed with something we think we want. but in reality maybe God has something else in mind. just a thought.