Reflecting

Cognitive
I just spent 20+ hours working on a paper this weekend. I was in the library for 10 hours today and i just got home at 1am and printed it out. Along with the paper we had to do a family genogram. This was much more complicated then it sounds. There's all sorts of symbols and rules to how you express relationships. It was actually very troublesome trying to ask my family members for information about our previous generations. I didn't realize how many painful memories it would bring up. I found out that there are well kept secrets in my family. There are emotional cut-offs to people who never get brought up. There are divorces, and deaths that are painful to reflect on. Having to research my family history gave me some insights to my family's past, but for the most part it made me pretty sad to see how disconnected some family members are. Divorces, loss loved ones, and broken relationships have really scarred me. I realize i never really had a christian model of what committed family looks like. Sometimes it makes me fear if i'll repeat some of these patterns or characteristics that happened in my family's past. And as for my cognitive well being, my mind wants to explode. I haven't even touched hebrew or my addressing pastoral concerns hw. Least my one teacher went to korea, so I have two classes canceled this week. Sometimes i wonder if grad school will even make me competent enough. I think i need to gain more confidence in myself, especially in how i view myself. I need to become more independent on doing things alone.

Physical
I was pretty consistent working out 4 times a week. I had my roommate to go with and a nice close gym in bellflower. I'm okay with the beach blvd 24, but it's just not as great as bellflowers. Plus i dont have anyone to workout with. I'm tryin to stay motivated by myself, but it usually doesn't last too long. Since i've been tryin to gain weight, i've been eating anything, and i'm still not gaining weight. I didn't realize how much I don't eat. i've grown accustom to skipping meals and not eating much. I was watching some health show and a doctor said to not really pay attention to weight. He said to focus on waist size instead to measure health. I went to the doctor for my stomach this week. I've been having crazy painful flares up everyday. My only guess is the stress, and maybe some foods i shouldn't be eating.

Emotional
If you know me. You know that i kinda struggle with depression. It's been going on for months. I don't want to burden people with such downer moods, but this is where i've been. It's sad when you don't have many people to talk to so you turn to blogging. Depression isn't just feeling really empty. It's actually a disorder that messes up your sleep and eating habits. there's chemical imbalances in the brain. you can have thoughts of worthlessness, or suicide. Your daily functioning becomes impaired, where you have more difficulty accomplishing tasks. You feel fatigued and a loss of energy. You can have a hard time concentrating and can become very indecisive. You also can have a loss of interest or pleasure in things. So i guess i'm saying that depression and anxiety can really affect your whole life. I don't think my depression is severe, but it's enough to slow me down. loneliness, thoughts of the future, negative thoughts of self, guilt, regrets, and my high expectations seem to play a role. I don't think i should lie to myself jus to please others and tell myself i'm ok when i know ive been feelin this way. The only thing i don't want to do is to affect others with this, but sometimes it's hard keepin all my thoughts n feelings to myself.

Relational
I learned that i really value friendships. I have so many friends that i lost contact with in the past. Being close to someone and then for some reason becoming distant is very painful. There's a sense of loss and strain. I understand that it's a part of life, but sometimes i wish we could always be surrounded with close and healthy friendships. Life seems to tear these friendships apart. I'm starting to realize that eventually i won't be living in california. I lost so many friendships in hawaii, and now i'll have to be parting and straining a lot of the connections i made in california. It makes me sad. Guess it's a sad reality of growing up. I think strong friendships should be able to endure the toughest of obstacles. But sometimes, obstacles are just too much. I need to find a place of belonging. I feel out of place. I have a feeling God is teaching me to rely less on relationships, and to commune with him when there's no one around. It's strange how we'll have perfect opportunities to meet God everyday, and yet we often completely miss them.

Spiritual
In terms of church. I'm not quite sure what i'm doing. Since i moved to fullerton, i told my church in bellflower that eventually i'm going to stop attending. There are some churches that ive wanted to check out, so i guess for the next few weeks i'll be church shopping. Ideally it'd be nice to start a counseling ministry, but it'll be hard to turn it into a job considering i'll probably be gone after December. Having an unknown future makes me a little nervous in the present. Actually it makes me very nervous. I have so many options and yet i can't seem to come to clear decisions. I feel like i have no confidence in my decisions. 

     I've come to the conclusion that my dry spiritual life is the core root that's affecting all other areas of my life. The truth is that i haven't been present to God. Ive been distracted, idle, consumed with idols, self-seeking, and preoccupied with trying to deal with my troubles myself. I've had very low energy levels because I haven't been very dependent on God. I heard a sermon that was actually quite convicting. Good sermons stir change. It made me realize that I don't turn to God daily for spiritual nourishment and strength. The pastor put it like this, adults need more food than children. When we're young we need less food to sustain us. but as we become older christians, we actually need more food to sustain us and to grow us in our sanctification. In other words, I need to depend on God more than how i depended and turned to him in the past. 5-10 minutes of devotions really doesn't cut it anymore. When 10 pounds become too light, you need to up the weight.
      This also applies to building spiritual muscle. Jesus calls himself the bread of life, and calls all who are hungry to come and abide in him. Our spiritual lives need to depend on him daily for sustenance. If we're going through a lot or have stressful responsibilities, the truth is that we need more intimate time with God. The time we spend with God really does display in other areas of our life. Imagine if you didn't eat or sleep for 2 days, our functioning level would suck. In the same way, we can't deprive ourselves of our daily need for God to sustain and empower us. I need to rekindle this lost passion and joy in our God. I definitely need God's discipline, and I guess there's no better place to start than meditating on his word, receiving his love and being in deep prayer.
       If i can just focus on one thing, i pray that it'd be to give reverence to God. Our first priority should be to honor God. And not out of some burden, but out of a joyful obedience. I realized that I really really really really need to focus on prayer. I need to revisit the basics of the Christian faith and simply receive and trust as a child. God help me to dwell in your presence and to sit patiently so my heart would be synchronized to yours. Help these words to turn into consistent action. I need help to walk the walk. Actualize my intentions and give me the means to accomplish your will. Cleanse me of my sinful ways and thoughts. Change me, transform me, and restore me. Create in me a pure heart and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

something stupid

So.... i went to go throw out a bag of trash. and then the door closed. Apparently there's a special button on the front door that you hafta press to keep the door unlocked. It's confusing. Anyways.. i basically locked myself outside for what seemed like 2 hours.

I didn't have anything, except my slippers and a jacket. I then saw this young neighbor guy next door come out. So i thought i'd meet him. I told him i just moved in and locked myself out. He said, "oh let me help you break in, i'll go check the back doors!" And he ran behind the house. but they were locked. i then said, "I thought it was pretty funny you just took my word. i might not even live here, lol" He was like, "Oh that's a good point." then i thought, maybe ill go walk to the jangs. but then thought, that really wouldnt help at all.

So i went to the park across the street. I played on the school swings and jungle gym by myself. I did some pull ups, push ups, dips, and ran some laps around the field. But then i was super tired. I saw one guy sitting by the park and i wanted to talk to him so i could play with his cool dog he had. but then i realized he spoke korean. i wish i had a dog.

So then i laid down on the grass and stared at the sky. It was gray, but then he became pretty dark. I kept watching every single car that came by in case it was the old couple i live with. Turns out they were at church for choir practice. I thought it was funny how they're almost always home, and the one time i lock myself out they're gone.

Some things i learned while being outside
- i spend a lot of time occupying myself with games or media
- i spend a lot of time inside
- it's really quiet and peaceful on my street, almost too quiet
- If i'm feeling alone i should use it as an opportunity to commune with God
- it's easier to pray and hear God out in nature
- never lock and close the door when taking out the trash

new place

So i moved into a place in fullerton. I'm glad that i found a place to stay. A old retired couple gave me my own room and bathroom for $500 a month. It's pretty awesome not having to share anything and getting a lot of privacy. They don't do much but go walking in the morning, meals, tv during the day and they sleep really early. My neighborhood is super quiet. Even the littlest of sounds seem amplified because of the extreme silence. They have a nice swimming pool in the back that i probably should take advantage of.

There's also a school across the street (where isaac goes, sometimes i look out my window to see if i can spot him when they're all running around), and I still want to go play basketball at their courts. They even have little rims where i can dunk on! It feels kinda weird moving back to fullerton. I got used to living in bellflower with my roommate. I feel even more lonely because i go through most of my days not talking to anyone and doing everything independently. I could probably fall in a hole and no one would know i was missing for weeks. I feel like it's just going to school, studying and then repeat.

When i moved in i found out that the wife has Alzheimer's. She didn't know she had 4 children and didn't recognize pictures of her grandchildren. Sometimes she calls me robert. She worries when her husband is gone even for a few minutes. She forgets where he went. The husband kind of gets angry and treats her like a child. She keeps repeating things, and he has to keep repeating commands to her. It's really sad. I'm thinking of cooking dinner for them one night, but they eat at like 5:30 and sleep at 8:30. I'm craving ice cream.

Chaos

Found out tonight (Friday), that we have to move out by Sunday. I have no where to go. So much to pack. I'm trying to trust God in this situation, but it's scary not knowing where i'll be staying from monday on.

The past month has been extremely hard. I try to withhold all my negative complaints. But it's hard. I'm not saying my problems are super big. I'm jus sayin i'm having a hard time enduring my problems. Sometimes we all just need someone to affirm that what we're going through is stressful, painful and difficult. If you felt terrible, and had no one who was willing to listen, offer empathy, or someone who could understand, how would you feel? Yeah you don't wanna let your crappy feelings affect others, but at the same time i think it's healthy to express what your going through. Perhaps were taught to suck up all our problems because no one really has time to care. It seems we aren't patient enough to truly listen to how someone else really feels. In counseling, we're told to never give quick fix answers. It kinda frustrates me now when people try to solve deep rooted problems with such simple minded solutions that don't really do much help. Counseling is less about giving advice, and more about giving compassion, helping them come to realizations, and directing them to God.

Chursday

I jus failed my hebrew test. It's frustrating when you put 10-15 hours into studying and still fail. I really hope i pass the class. If i don't it'll mean prolonging graduation. 

 Today i gave my one hour presentation based on my 16 pg depression paper. (I was up till 5am finishing the 20+ slides and handouts.) I was kinda nervous because the guy before me did really well. He set the bar high. I had a bad start and stuttered a little too much with what I was trying to say. It was also pretty tough trying to explain the neurochemical imbalances in the brain. But everything else went fairly well afterwards. But our teacher wanted us to focus on discussion questions and activities, so an hour went by pretty quickly.

After I went to Reunite, which is a counseling ministry geared for couples who may be struggling or arguing a lot. They talked about conflict resolution and gave us over an hour of group discussion. It was really great to hear some of the couple's struggles. There's a husband and wife that disagree with how to discipline their kids. The dad is very strict, and the mom defends the kids. Another couple has a husband that needs some freedom to hang with his friends without his wife worrying. But she feels undervalued and fearful that his friend is a bad influence.

They shared what they contributed to the conflict and what their needs were. For instance, someone shared that they contribute by getting angry and another shared how they bottle up their feelings. Some of their needs we're wanting to be heard or to be trusted. Then they talked about their home of origin, and the roots of why they have those needs. A few people shared how some of their parents were emotionally closer, or how their parents neglected them. This made them not want to let people get to close to them because they've been hurt when they've been vulnerable. Overall, it was just cool to see how our intuitive emotional impulses in conflict can be traced to our family relationships.

I was lying in bed at 1030, and i was telling myself not to sleep cuz i always wake up at midnight being wide awake.. but sure enough i dozed off and now i'll be up forever.. I wish i could record my dreams. forgetting awesome dreams is the worst..

well.. actually being really hungry with nothing in the fridge is worst.

Actually walking into spiderwebs is the worst

ACTUALLY.. smelling something burning in your room and noticing that your lamp almost started a fire because it's super friggen hot and was touching a towel is the worst

no wait.. spiderwebs are still the worst

Craaazy Weekend

Yesterday morning my roommate greg comes in my room and tells me that this retirement apartment center might be getting foreclosed. Some Chinese bank scammed greg's gma, (the owner) regarding loans, and i guess that means we might possibly hafta leave on monday. However, there's a lawyer trying to buy us an extra 60 days, since by law we can't just abandon all the older folks in the retirement center. Apparently, greg's grandma was trying to resolve the issue and didn't want us to worry about it. I don't really know the details, but the bottom line is that we'll have to move out soon. Hopefully not as soon as monday tho..

but then.. with such late notice we're kinda in panic mode. She told us to start moving all the things in storage. So we bought about 25 boxes for our stuff and for a bunch of things down stairs. You really don't realize how much books and clothes u have until you're filling up boxes full of stuff.

Today greg's uncle came with a huge moving truck. We had an hour half to pack all the bulky things like mattresses, tables, couches, a bunch of tools from the garage, book shelves, clothing drawers, and a bunch of other things for 3 apartments. So it was pretty crazy trying to figure out how to fit things through doors, and how to stack furniture. Then we got some extra help putting everything in a public storage. It felt like furniture tetris.

There's still tons of things to move and pack. It adds some stress, but I guess the scary part is not really knowing where i'm gonna be living for the next few months. I asked my aunty if I could possibly stay with her since she has this really nice extra spare room. I'd get this huge big bed and my own bathroom which would be nice. But.. she lives in LA which is a long drive to school. Greg and his grandparents plan to move in with greg's uncle/aunt's house. They graciously kept welcoming me their hospitality, but i felt bad burdening them since they already have three children and not a whole lot of space. Other options are, finding a cheap one room studio apartment, finding new roommates to share rent, maybe finding a place with my old roommate who's looking for a place, or sleeping in my car and living at 24 hr fitness.

I've been a little nervous and trying not to freak out. I've been praying and trusting that God will work things out and that i'd find a place soon. I'm also hoping we'll get an extension to stay in this retirement center till after summer school, so i can jus fly back to hawaii, and then come back to finish my last semester. Having to find a place so suddenly and as soon as.. tmrw is scary. im gonna skip school to see if we'll hafta move out, but odds are we'll have a little more time here. I really don't wanna move.. this would be my 4th place in 4 years.. So tired of moving.. To make things worst my stomach has been gettin these sharp painful attacks again. I wonder if it's jus internalizing anxiety. it really sucks.

Anyways.. after we we're done moving stuff greg's uncle bought us In & Out and we went back to their house. I talked to greg's uncle and aunt for almost 2 hours today. I've never seen such a healthy and godly marriage/family. They both understand the importance of being faithful and obedient to God. They're great Christian parents and teach that everyone needs to be responsible with their own faith. It started by talking about marriage, divorce and family home of origin. They both shared how they came from a broken family with some pretty rough upbringings. They're also the first Christians in both of their families, which slowly started helping their other family members come to Christ. They mentioned the importance of discipleship, accountability and community fellowship. We also talked about how other things in life shouldn't distract us from our daily devotions with God. I'll be the first to admit that our worldly culture distracts me from what's really important. Sometimes we get so caught up with daily routines and responsibilities that we become numb to the presence of God.

They talked about how being filled with the Holy Spirit and growing in our walk with God will better our relationships with our families. Growth, maturity, discipline, and depth come slowly by being faithful to the small steps. Instead of going to God to fill us we settle for instant gratification sources/idols that never truly satisfy. It was also nice to get to pray with their family. Uncle said, "Our prayer life should be like breathing." It was so nice to know how well they brought up their kids and how they pray with them daily. i was amazed. It was really encouraging to hear about their past experiences and all that they've learned. I think it was just great to see them actually live out what they passionately confess to believe. What is it that I stand for? Do I live out those beliefs? One day I hope to have a faithful and loving Christian family similar to the theirs.

I feel like my talk with them gave me a sense of peace and comfort. Even tho the future is unknown, I know that God is always sovereignly in control, so i don't need to worry. i have a test, paper, and a huge presentation this week. I'm tryin so hard not to freak out, especially when my room looks like it got hit by a tornado full of wild animals.

i want chipotle

Good Friday.. It's strange how you can see people almost weekly, and still miss them.

Wondercon was lots of fun. we saw over 100 characters in costumes. im definitely gonna dress up if i ever go back next year. wondercon is a lower scale comiccon. who should i dress up as? i jus wanna run around in a cape, lol

so.. guess i should start on that 15+ page paper.. this is all your fault irresponsible past chris.. i have the hardest time just starting.. it takes me hours just to start

my sleep schedule is starting to suck. makes me zombie mode all day

this is why blogging is so dangerous. i need to write shorter blogs, idk how u guys do it

I want chipotle. or i need to go grocery shopping. i feel like i always need to go grocery shopping.. my fridge is completely empty. i only got one can of emergency soup left.. I cooked chicken the other day, sometimes i dunno if cooking is worth it. sometimes it takes me so long, and i eat it up in 5mins, and then there's a huge pile of dishes after. ive been craving chipotle all week, but the lines are always so long.

TMI but ive been having to pee 4-5 times in an hour. this has been happening for months at night. i finally figured out it's either a caffine or creatine supplement ive been taking.. the internet said u should drink more water to train ur body to hold more liquid.. i wonder if that's true or if it jus makes u pee even more! well if it's on yahoo answers it must be true

I had lunch with a friend today. it was nice that someone actually cared enough to challenge me. she kinda convicted me about not really praying. She mentioned how she prays at least 2 hours a day. and i was like.. i barely pray 2 minutes... i guess i get impatient, lazy or frustrated with spiritual disciplines. I guess ive been feeling a little weary since ive forgotten how to do devotions. i jus lack discipline and motivation sometimes. It's strange how we have to actively pause and practice being still in God's presence. Sometimes it's really hard slowing myself down, and patiently coming to Him in prayer. i question why my relationship with God feels so far sometimes, and i guess it's because my prayer life has been pretty absent. What does it really look like to pray without ceasing? You ever feel like your prayers become empty? or maybe jus repetitive words? maybe sometimes i get so caught up with prayer that i don't spend any time simply receiving. God help me to pray and receive.