Reflecting

Cognitive
I just spent 20+ hours working on a paper this weekend. I was in the library for 10 hours today and i just got home at 1am and printed it out. Along with the paper we had to do a family genogram. This was much more complicated then it sounds. There's all sorts of symbols and rules to how you express relationships. It was actually very troublesome trying to ask my family members for information about our previous generations. I didn't realize how many painful memories it would bring up. I found out that there are well kept secrets in my family. There are emotional cut-offs to people who never get brought up. There are divorces, and deaths that are painful to reflect on. Having to research my family history gave me some insights to my family's past, but for the most part it made me pretty sad to see how disconnected some family members are. Divorces, loss loved ones, and broken relationships have really scarred me. I realize i never really had a christian model of what committed family looks like. Sometimes it makes me fear if i'll repeat some of these patterns or characteristics that happened in my family's past. And as for my cognitive well being, my mind wants to explode. I haven't even touched hebrew or my addressing pastoral concerns hw. Least my one teacher went to korea, so I have two classes canceled this week. Sometimes i wonder if grad school will even make me competent enough. I think i need to gain more confidence in myself, especially in how i view myself. I need to become more independent on doing things alone.

Physical
I was pretty consistent working out 4 times a week. I had my roommate to go with and a nice close gym in bellflower. I'm okay with the beach blvd 24, but it's just not as great as bellflowers. Plus i dont have anyone to workout with. I'm tryin to stay motivated by myself, but it usually doesn't last too long. Since i've been tryin to gain weight, i've been eating anything, and i'm still not gaining weight. I didn't realize how much I don't eat. i've grown accustom to skipping meals and not eating much. I was watching some health show and a doctor said to not really pay attention to weight. He said to focus on waist size instead to measure health. I went to the doctor for my stomach this week. I've been having crazy painful flares up everyday. My only guess is the stress, and maybe some foods i shouldn't be eating.

Emotional
If you know me. You know that i kinda struggle with depression. It's been going on for months. I don't want to burden people with such downer moods, but this is where i've been. It's sad when you don't have many people to talk to so you turn to blogging. Depression isn't just feeling really empty. It's actually a disorder that messes up your sleep and eating habits. there's chemical imbalances in the brain. you can have thoughts of worthlessness, or suicide. Your daily functioning becomes impaired, where you have more difficulty accomplishing tasks. You feel fatigued and a loss of energy. You can have a hard time concentrating and can become very indecisive. You also can have a loss of interest or pleasure in things. So i guess i'm saying that depression and anxiety can really affect your whole life. I don't think my depression is severe, but it's enough to slow me down. loneliness, thoughts of the future, negative thoughts of self, guilt, regrets, and my high expectations seem to play a role. I don't think i should lie to myself jus to please others and tell myself i'm ok when i know ive been feelin this way. The only thing i don't want to do is to affect others with this, but sometimes it's hard keepin all my thoughts n feelings to myself.

Relational
I learned that i really value friendships. I have so many friends that i lost contact with in the past. Being close to someone and then for some reason becoming distant is very painful. There's a sense of loss and strain. I understand that it's a part of life, but sometimes i wish we could always be surrounded with close and healthy friendships. Life seems to tear these friendships apart. I'm starting to realize that eventually i won't be living in california. I lost so many friendships in hawaii, and now i'll have to be parting and straining a lot of the connections i made in california. It makes me sad. Guess it's a sad reality of growing up. I think strong friendships should be able to endure the toughest of obstacles. But sometimes, obstacles are just too much. I need to find a place of belonging. I feel out of place. I have a feeling God is teaching me to rely less on relationships, and to commune with him when there's no one around. It's strange how we'll have perfect opportunities to meet God everyday, and yet we often completely miss them.

Spiritual
In terms of church. I'm not quite sure what i'm doing. Since i moved to fullerton, i told my church in bellflower that eventually i'm going to stop attending. There are some churches that ive wanted to check out, so i guess for the next few weeks i'll be church shopping. Ideally it'd be nice to start a counseling ministry, but it'll be hard to turn it into a job considering i'll probably be gone after December. Having an unknown future makes me a little nervous in the present. Actually it makes me very nervous. I have so many options and yet i can't seem to come to clear decisions. I feel like i have no confidence in my decisions. 

     I've come to the conclusion that my dry spiritual life is the core root that's affecting all other areas of my life. The truth is that i haven't been present to God. Ive been distracted, idle, consumed with idols, self-seeking, and preoccupied with trying to deal with my troubles myself. I've had very low energy levels because I haven't been very dependent on God. I heard a sermon that was actually quite convicting. Good sermons stir change. It made me realize that I don't turn to God daily for spiritual nourishment and strength. The pastor put it like this, adults need more food than children. When we're young we need less food to sustain us. but as we become older christians, we actually need more food to sustain us and to grow us in our sanctification. In other words, I need to depend on God more than how i depended and turned to him in the past. 5-10 minutes of devotions really doesn't cut it anymore. When 10 pounds become too light, you need to up the weight.
      This also applies to building spiritual muscle. Jesus calls himself the bread of life, and calls all who are hungry to come and abide in him. Our spiritual lives need to depend on him daily for sustenance. If we're going through a lot or have stressful responsibilities, the truth is that we need more intimate time with God. The time we spend with God really does display in other areas of our life. Imagine if you didn't eat or sleep for 2 days, our functioning level would suck. In the same way, we can't deprive ourselves of our daily need for God to sustain and empower us. I need to rekindle this lost passion and joy in our God. I definitely need God's discipline, and I guess there's no better place to start than meditating on his word, receiving his love and being in deep prayer.
       If i can just focus on one thing, i pray that it'd be to give reverence to God. Our first priority should be to honor God. And not out of some burden, but out of a joyful obedience. I realized that I really really really really need to focus on prayer. I need to revisit the basics of the Christian faith and simply receive and trust as a child. God help me to dwell in your presence and to sit patiently so my heart would be synchronized to yours. Help these words to turn into consistent action. I need help to walk the walk. Actualize my intentions and give me the means to accomplish your will. Cleanse me of my sinful ways and thoughts. Change me, transform me, and restore me. Create in me a pure heart and renew a steadfast spirit within me.