Thoughts on Friendship II

It's all about relationships.

your relationship with God

your relationship with other people

your relationship with yourself

As we grow in our knowledge of God, we also find ourselves growing to know ourselves. As we commit to community, we often find ourselves discovering our identity. When you look at what's truly important in life, it's not the material things that matter. it's all about relationships. It's about knowing others and being known. it's about sharing your life and growing together. If we don't spend quantity time with people, how can we expect to develop quality friendships? Make time for those you care about. Protect and fight for the things that you value most. 

"What God wants is simply our presence, even if it feels like a waste of potentially productive time. That is what friends do together; they waste time with each other. Simply being together is enough without expecting to get something from the interaction. It should be no different with God." 

-The Gift of Being Yourself, David Benner

“Anything valuable requires our best effort. Friendship is worthy of this kind of investment.”

“We come into this world with nothing, and we leave with nothing, but our relationships endure forever. Into eternity we take with us our relationship with God and our friendships with believers.” 

“Deep friendship can be experienced by any two persons willing to commit themselves to work at becoming close friends.”

 - Wasting Time with God, Klaus Issler

God please help me to be a better friend

you ever hear songs where it says, "All I need is you?" Is God all we need? I think that's a little false. God says it's not good for man to be alone. We're created for relationships and to grow in community. Church needs to be a safe place where we can be vulnerable and really turn to each other with our burdens and support and pray for each other. We need brothers and sisters in Christ. We're not meant to do life alone. 

I got this pretty interesting social category thing from a biola professor i met, (read below).. i think i'm a Hidden Inhibitions, Matcher and Cautious Lover in Disguise. i think? 

Inclusion

People Gatherer: You are not only out-going but also tend to be compulsively driven toward people. This does not mean that you can never be alone but it is difficult for you to do so for extended periods of time. If you become excessively frustrated by people you may escape to an isolated spot but not for very long. Your anxiety levels tends to increase and you are again driven back toward people.

Hidden Inhibitions: Your need to belong, to be accepted, or included is intense and compelling. Because of this intensity you are sensitive to being left out, left behind or ignored. You need reassurance that you are accepted and do belong. You tend to be viewed by others as reasonably sociable.

Inhibited Individual: You tend to play it safe and wait for the invitation which can communicate a false message that association is not wanted when in reality it really is desired. As a result of this you may have to wait longer to get an invitation. Knowing that you are accepted, welcome and belong is far more important than actual participation with others.

Social Flexibility: Your desire for relationships has a moderate need for social interaction that reflects flexibility. You tend to be comfortable in both large groups or being alone. You lack the compulsive urge to move either away from people like the loner or toward people like the people gatherer. You reveal little concern over rejection.

Conversationalist: You present a public image of out-goingness beyond you actual need for social inclusion. You are moderate in your need for socialization and as such, include more people. You have developed the art of sociability and conversation to a high degree. Your social skills are highly useful in achieving other needs in your life.

Cautious Association: You are much like the inhibited individual with the major difference being that your need to belong lacks the compulsiveness and the intensity of the inhibited individual. You want to belong but you are not desperate for acceptance and you can better tolerate not being accepted by everyone. You do tend to play it safe and place the burden on others to extend invitations or otherwise make them feel welcomed and accepted.

Now you see him, now you don't: You are social but you have no need for constant socialization with people in general. You have many acquaintances but few friends with whom you care to spend any great amount of time. You are skilled at socializing but you maintain an exclusive club and a selective attitude reflected in the statement, "I'll call you, don't call me." Your social skills serve as a screening device for finding the select individuals with whom you want to associate. Frequently others will incorrectly assume you want to be included and become confused when you either ignore or reject invitations.

Selectivist: You are more comfortable when you can move away from people or when people generally move away from you. This does not mean that you cannot associate with others but rather that you are highly selective concerning with whom you associate. You tend to be uncomfortable around most people and you may choose to avoid them if possible. You reflect the attitude, "I'll call you but don't call me."

Control

Mission Impossible: You can and do make decisions and take on many responsibilities. Your self-concept is one of confidence and adequacy, so much so that you walk into area of responsibility where most angels fear to go. You have such an intense need for recognition that you are compulsively driven to do well. You are attracted to people who give you the recognition that you desire and to those that do not attempt to control you.

Self-Confident: You tend to be comfortable and confident in making decisions and assuming responsibility. You neither avoid making decisions nor do you become overbearing in your control of others. You have a need for recognition along with a high level of aspiration but you are not inclined to over extend yourself in a frantic effort to obtain these ends. You respect the limits of reality and work within the realm of your ability. You seldom overestimate your ability and are not plagued by great doubts. When you are confronted with responsibility your basic stance is, "If I can do it I will. Meanwhile stay off my back and let me show you what I can do."

Matcher: The matcher is capable of making decisions and taking on responsibility but wants reassurance and support from others while he is doing so. You prefer to share an area of responsibility rather than do it alone. Your attitude is reflected in the statement, "I want you to work shoulder to shoulder with me." You are democratic. You do not put excessive demands on others for support but merely asks others to "match" the level of responsibility you assume. You are better able to go against the opinions of others.

Checker: You are not dependent but you do have doubts about your ability to make decisions and take on responsibility. You want reassurance before you make a decision and hence you will check with others to see what they think. You do not want to make a fool of yourself. Checkers seldom make decisions completely on their own or go against the opinions of others. If they cannot check with others their anxiety level rises.

Loyal Lieutenant: You are somewhat dependent on others to help you make decisions. You are capable of diligent effort if you are told what to do by someone in authority. You prefer to rigidly follow orders, company policy, or rules and regulations of a higher authority. You also are careful to avoid making decisions on your own initiative. If you are forced to do so you tend to have anxiety. Emergency situations may be harder for you to handle.

Dependent-Independent Conflict: You have a strong need for recognition and are capable of taking on large amounts of responsibility but at the same time have an intense need for gratification. Normally there is an attempt to meet one need at the expense of the other. It is somewhat difficult to find life situations where both needs can be meet simultaneously so there is a tendency to gravitate back and forth between needs of recognition and gratification. This alternation tends to have an intense and compulsive character. You will work long and hard and are willing to take on large amounts of responsibility.

Let's Take a Break: You are capable of making decisions and taking on responsibility necessary for everyday functioning. You are confident in your ability but on guard about taking on too much for too long. You willingly assume a reasonable amount of responsibility but you are always ready to 'take a break' and to allow others to take responsibility. Unlike other profiles you do not feel inadequate.

Openly Dependent Person: You will tend to avoid making decisions and taking on responsibility. You may want others to assume responsibility for you in certain areas. Heavy demands may be placed on a few select friends for gratification. This profile may also reflect a measure of tolerance instead of dependency in certain control situations.

Reluctant: You tend to avoid making decisions and taking on responsibility. You are most comfortable when others do not attempt to control you. You do not tell others what to do and you do not want them to tell you what to do. Your attitude tends to be, "I will stay off your back but you stay off of mine." You are neither dependent nor inadequate but you do have doubts about your ability to handle new areas of responsibility. You need to be certain you know what you are doing so you do not make a fool of yourself. The old, familiar areas of responsibility do not bother you but the new, untested areas can make you anxious. You have a good potential for leadership but you will move into new areas at your own speed and can't be rushed.

Affection

Optimist: You not only initiate warm, close or intimate relationships but you are quite comfortable when others do so with you. You easily become emotionally involved with others and can be disappointed when others do not return your affection. Since you seek a large amount of affection you can be frequently disappointed. You tend to look for constant reassurance that you are loved. If you were told yesterday that you are loved, you still need to be told again today. You try harder to obtain affection and when your need is frustrated. Your optimistic attitude is reflected in the statement, "I've been hurt but if I try harder things will work out better next time."

Cautious Lover in Disguise: You want a great deal of affection but cautiousness exists in initiating close personal relationships. You are perceived by others as a warm individual and not defensively cautious. You have an intense need for affection but you tend to play it safe until you know and trust the other person. Your affection needs are great and constant reassurance that you are loved is needed.

Cautious Lover: You want affection but you are cautious about initiating close personal relationships. You can short-change people by placing the burden on them to show their colors and intentions first. If the other person expresses affection toward you then you can relax your guard. Yet, even after doing so you tend to remain sensitive to cues that the other person may no longer sustain affection for you. You want constant reassurance that you are liked.

Warm Individual: You are capable of both giving and receiving affection without going to extremes. You neither make excessive demands on others for affection nor are you overly cautious in expressing affection. You tend to be realistic and practical both in the amount of affection desired and the number of people from whom affection is sought. You want to be liked and prefer people to be warm towards you. You do not demand affection from everyone and as such you are able to tolerate the presence of someone who is unaffectionate or even hostile.

Careful Moderation: You want affection but are cautious about initiating a close personal relationship. You must know and trust the other person before becoming emotionally involved. You tend to place the burden on the other person to show their colors first. If the other person expresses affection you are capable of relaxing your defense. You don't make excessive demands on others for affection and you tend to be more realistic, prudent and practical in the amount of affection sought. Your balance allows you to tolerate encounters with unaffectionate or hostile individuals.

Living Up to Expectations: You do not make excessive demands for affection on others and you tend to be very realistic and practical in the amount of affection sought, generally a low to moderate amount. You are generally aware of living up-to expectations (which may be real or imagined) and you see your behavior as normal and necessary for interpersonal relationships. You are neither driven by affection nor resistant to it.

Image of Intimacy: You are very selective about emotional involvements. You are friendly with everyone but intimate with a select few. Your expressed behavior will encourage others to move from a relationship that is pleasant and friendly to one that is more intimate but such attempts will often be thwarted since you do not want affection from most people.

Image of Intimacy Tendency: You have behavior similar to the image of intimacy but your motivation for affection is that you view it as a social norm that you feel is expected or necessary. You think such behavior is necessary for smooth interpersonal relationships and this is often true.

Pessimist: You tend to be very cautious about becoming emotionally involved with others. This does not mean you cannot form close relationships but rather that it is more difficult for you to do so. Close relationships will be few and far between. It is only after you learn to trust another person that you will become emotionally involved. You are most comfortable when other people do not attempt to become emotionally involved with you. You are not only cautious about affection, you are suspicious of it.