scattered thoughts

so i jus chugged an energy drink, and now i feel awesome!!! lol..way too hyper and a bit delirious. there's a correlation between energy drinks + cleaning + music + dance moves + exercise + warm showers that = happiness. someone should do scientific research on it.

anyways. i feel like i had some deep realizations and thoughts i need to pump out before i forget.

I met a new doctor today. And she was super Type A. She jus seemed super smart and organized, almost like a robot lol. Im definitely Type B cuz im a lazy sloth. But everyone is type A and B to certain degrees. I was thinking about perfectionism. And most times we say it in a negative way. Probably because high expectations and standards can make us very critical on ourselves. However, i was thinking about all the positives of perfectionism and wanting to do things right and efficient.

There's something attractive about wanting to be the best you can be. When i speak of perfectionism, im not only referring to accomplishing tasks, but also increasing in our character, behavior and self-esteem. Perfectionist tend to have high aspirations, determination towards their goals, are able to sacrifice and work hard for their dreams. So i guess it shouldnt always be painted as a bad thing.

If someone were to ask me on any given day, "how are you doing spiritually?" For the most part, i would say it's kinda of a struggle, or that i rarely ever feel like im spiritually well. I often feel down about my spiritual walk because i know it could always be better, I know i havent spent much time with God, i know i haven't prayed much, i know i havent been a great witness, or havent had the courage to talk about God in a conversation, or because i find myself in sins of omission and commission daily.
My point is that it seems more often then not, it seems like our faith and relationship with God isn't as strong as we'd like it to be. But God's grace trumps all of our short comings and sin. I still need to learn not to condemn myself. I dont think God wants us to feel like i'm a failure, or pathetic. Instead i think God encourages us to stand confident in our faith. He calls us to pray boldly and in confidence, and to see ourselves in a positive light. but guess that's much easier said then done.

When i think of David in the bible, he had so much passion. Solomon asked for wisdom, but it seems like David sought after God's heart. That's an attribute i really wish to attain. There are a few people ive come across that you can tell they have a certain depth to them. You can often see it by the way that they pray. It's not formal. One of my old professors mentioned that the one thing she learned to practice was waking up earlier to spend that first hour of the day with God.
I think i have a "discouraged perfectionist" mentality when it comes to spirituality and spiritual disciplines. Sometimes it can seem like a dry religious practice. And i question my intentions. The reason it's a discouraged attitude is because the bar for righteousness and holiness seem very high. When we try to be like Christ, we realize that we're definitely not like him in a lot of ways. And so a discouraged perfectionist has two sides of the pendulum to look out for. Discouragement and shame can impair us from any effort or intentionality. Secondly, a high bar can make us over depend on our own sheer effort to try and spiritually transform ourselves. Whether we acknowledge it or not, we're all in desperate need for the power of the Holy Spirit.

Sometimes Christianity seems reduced to just religious activities or practices. church can sometimes seem like jus a business. Faith can be reduced to jus a set of beliefs. We become like the pharisees obsessed with a religion of laws rather then seeing it as an intimate relationship filled with grace. What is the reason why we do good works or spiritual activities? It can be completely self centered and not really for God's glory. Sometimes spiritual disciplines can seem like a religious obligation. It's like training ourselves to eat vegetables floss and work out. Things we may not always want to do. But by training ourselves, we actually can grow to desire healthy habits.

i kinda wonder why it can be difficult to intentionally try to spend time with God. For the most part it just doesnt seem like a priority, or it seems too challenging to feel a communion with him. and other times it can be our deepest joy. Luke 12:34 "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." I pray that above all else, God becomes my greatest treasure.

I think it's interesting to see how when we were young christians, experience and feeling play a large role in our faith, and as we grow towards spiritual maturity, faith and trust in God becomes less dependent on how we feel. Sometimes i get frustrated when it seems like God doesn't "show up" the way i would hope or expect. When i intentionally try to spend time with God and don't "feel it" i must remember that my relationship with God isn't based on feeling, but faith. 

Ive been watching a show called, "The Profit." It's about a guy who helps turn around failing businesses. i find it really interesting. Most business owners are really resistant to big changes and letting go of old ways. When something doesn't work well, we need a new plan and steps towards change. Change often requires us to step outside of our comfort zone and not being afraid to try something new.

For the most part, i think i approach the unknown with fear, worry, doubt, indecisiveness and anxiety. But today i realized that's completely the wrong perspective. We should walk into the unknown with faith, confidence and boldness. Regardless of how the future pans out, God will be with us, so we don't hafta be afraid or fearful. I dont have it all figured out, i still feel indecisive, and confused, but i can be at peace because God is with me and for me. so take a chill pill chris, stop freaking out!

I need to take off my pessimistic glasses and put on 3D optimistic glasses. I take a lot of things for granted. I forget to appreciate and praise God for good health, a family who loves me, crazy delicious food, and my fading youth. In a first world country we're honestly really blessed to have such an abundance, when other people have so little. Im learning to find greater enjoyment in simple things like a piece of candy, a friendship, a laughter, the clouds in the sky, the warmth of a blanket, a song, and even a cold drink. We have a lot to be optimistic about. When I know others are just struggling to survive another day, my problems become so much smaller.

the biggest obstacle between me becoming based me, is me. I stumble over myself and trip over myself. I build giant walls disabling myself. I allowed my regrets and failures to paralyze me from moving forward. I struggle with a negative self view and negative self talk. I see all my short comings and ugly sins. We all have things we dont like about ourselves. Rather, these are areas for improvement.

For a long time I starred at an emotional tangle of wires, and i couldn't find a way to undo those knots. I was so frustrated at myself for causing so much unnecessary pain to others and myself. I had so much anger towards myself, i didnt really want to talk to anyone.
I saw myself deteriorating. Instead of focusing on trying to fix or repair things i realized that it takes faith to let go and move on from things that just aren't in our control.   

While i was just folding laundry i tried to come up with a more positive self talk and positive self view. It took me awhile to try and come up with something positive about myself. Im not used to seeing myself that way. I finally came up with, I am creative, and child-like. Those were the best and only things i could come up with lol. Im also really good at games that don't really matter lol. One of the best ways we can love ourselves is to kill our negative thoughts about ourselves. Another way to love ourselves is by making healthy decisions.

Lately, ive been a little obsessed with holistic health and wellness. I know i talk about it a lot, but i see great value in observing our spiritual, relational, emotional, cognitive/mental, and physical health. If we break those apart, we can begin to compartmentalize activities and disciplines that help us cultivate good habits of health. Regardless of how many bad decisions we made in the past, today we have the opportunity to make a good decision in the right direction. We can choose to invest ourselves in something positive, or change our perspective. we can choose to be happy in the present regardless of circumstances. We can choose to be content even if things aren't as we'd expect.
If you were to narrow down the most important things that you value in this life what would they be? And then i ask myself, how much do i invest in those things? I think my old roommate got it exactly right. "It's all about relationships." Our friendships and the people that we encounter in this life are probably the most valuable things. guess u could say I lost a lot of things i valued. i felt broken. like i lost a part of myself. but now im determined to get back up, grow in integrity and become stronger.

A few times this week i wondered what it would be like if I were the only person on this planet. What would it be like? It would feel quite empty and probably really boring. What if plants or animals didn't exist? What is heaven like? What would it be like to be fully in the presence of God? What would it be like if my greatest desire was to be with God? 

oh.. so the other night i had a really weird nightmare. I rarely get so freaked out by a dream. So my dream started with me racing a friend up a series of stairs. Then i went surfing on this futuristic board. Then as i was paddling in the water i saw a little blond boy drowning in the water. So i reached down to get him. Then i saw his face, and he was like demonic. His eyes and face were terrifying. And he kept grabbing me and wouldn't let go, and i was panicking and yelling christian hymns. Maybe i just slept on my arms funny. But i woke up and kept falling back into this scary dream and even thought that boy was in my room tryin to get me. So i was like screw it, and decided to just stay up at 4am lol. God even uses evil for his glory. We forget to pray against evil, we forget to pray for protection for our mind while we sleep. And then a verse came to me, "Even though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death (and have crazy scary dreams), I will fear no evil, for you are with me."