time for a change

jus spent the last two hours trying to manage everything. ive realized that ive been somewhat lazy lately. I feel like ive been putting 25% energy into things cuz i really dont like to work very hard. I dunno where i picked up the mentality of "i'll jus get by." I guess theres a part in all of us who jus wants to take the easy road. i dont like to spend my time on work because i think i overvalue fun and leisure. 

sometimes we jus put the bare minimum and try to do enough. ive become an expert at taking short cuts and doing things fast. Which normally ends up pretty sloppy. I bank on procrastination because i wont do anythin unless it's due tomorrow. Since high school ive probably only turned in 3 assignments in late. cuz i probably jus forgot.

man i hate when u want to blog about something and u end up goin on a long rabbit trail tangent.

so anyways.. i looked at my room to see it pretty messy. my table needed a lot of cleaning and organizing. i decided to set up my Oct calender, and to actually start lookin at a bunch of school paper projects that are about to be due. I've been lingering in summer vacation still. I'm the student who hardly ever does the required reading. Makes me a little sad to see all these school books that ive collected over the years that ive hardly read. when u have like 8 books to read for class, it jus makes u feel defeated. plus the books are so boring and theres tons of other fun things to do instead.. gahh goin off topic again

I guess i jus wanted to mention that life requires a bunch of organization, planning and managing. It's even crazy how much work it is to take care of yourself. its easy to neglect our health. its also easy to neglect our spiritual health. i guess this whole blog is sayin that i need to use my time more wisely, and manage myself better. its so easy to fall behind in chores, school, and other goals. i need to learn to keep things organized and staying ahead of the game. future chris, dont wait till the last minute to get things done. have the discipline and self control to work hard.

kinda ironic how my last post told myself to stop complaining, and a few hours later i find myself complaining again. complaining doesnt get me anywhere, it wont solve my problems. i need transformation and strength to overcome my responsibilities n challenges. lol i always end up preaching to myself at the end of my blogs, u tell urself chris!

I'm finding myself very confused. do i over introspect? Do i over analyze? am i overly critical of myself? Well chris, i think the answer is quite easy, since ur critiquing yourself right now. i think im very hard on myself because i see all the things i'm not doing right. But at the same time, if i'm not strict on myself then i make way too many compromises. i guess if your tryin to improve yourself, u kinda need to be overly observant of yourself. you catch yourself falling into familiar patterns, and then try not to make the same mistakes. But at the same time, shouldnt i have grace for myself? I havent been able to eat a cheeseburger, fries and ice cream without feeling extremely guilty as if i jus committed a crime.  but then i say, "hey ur too hard on urself chris," then immediately fall to the other side of the spectrum and become a snorlax.

perhaps im focusing too much on natural formation, and the things that i can do to better myself. I could use some moderation and balance. another thing about trying to better your habits is that if you don't set obtainable goals, you'll never be content. man im really rambling on and i dont even think im makin any sense. I always say i could use more spiritual formation, meaning practicing spiritual disciplines to allow God the space to work in your life. And well of course we could all be spending more time with God. I mean im sure we could all imagine ourselves being closer to God than we are now. Of course we could be doing better in our academics, occupational skills, health, and relationships. the pursuit is endless because there isn't a limit to sanctification. so in a sense, can you really ever be content at yourself?

We know that God loves us regardless of our performance. but can we really love ourselves and be truly contented regardless of our performance? unless we do everything absolutely perfect, we tend to be very pessimistic of ourselves. i see all the failures and missed opportunities of the day. i find myself saying, "man i coulda done that better." or, "i wish i did _______ instead of _______." If we were truly content in ourselves then what would motivate us to be and do better?  If you were to ask yourself, "do i really love who i am? Am i really content with who i am?" We'd start to think of all our negative behaviors and insecurities. i bet i sound confusing so im gonna stop. if only i could tell my brain to stop.

im conflicted if i should get a head start on my homework paper, or if i should jus go to sleep since its late. dangit, i wrote this whole blog to inspire myself to become better and yet at the end of it i find myself resorting to whats easy and comfortable. so much internal conflict

sigh this is what happens when i get too serious about things. the chris who doesnt worry and jus plays zombie video games is so much easier. i havent really told anyone, but ive been having really bad stomach problems this whole week. i think i'm allowing myself to think that i'm really stressed. then that stress gets to me and it attacks my stomach. Im tryin so hard to not let the stress get to me. i find myself jus tryin to ignore it and not think about problems. Yes God does relieve my stress, but i guess the gym helps a lot too. swimming, jacuzzi, the steam room, plus a warm shower is a miracle worker.

Do you have any stressful problems in your life? Perhaps you bottle ur feelings up like i do. but instead of holdin on to them and letting it eat at you, why not surrender them and say, "Here God, i trust you with this problem, i wont let it bother me anymore cuz i know u can handle it."

I once heard someone say this on the radio.
"Yes i'm not where i should be.
But i'm a far way from where i used to be.
And i have hope for where i will be."

God please help. Amen.

i need to stop complaining. life could be a lot harder

Deep Loss

i recommend you don't read this blog if u don't want to get sad.

Today i met with a children's hospital chaplain. Her name was Sharon. She began telling me the various responsibilities she handled each day. She went into detail about how she met with a 8 month pregnant mother this morning who had found out through ultrasound that her baby was no longer breathing. i was speechless and did my best to hold back the teary eyes. So the mother had to go through surgery later that day to have the baby removed. The chaplain said that by 35 weeks pregnant, the parents already have all the baby clothes, planning and supplies. She talked about how she asked the mom for prayer, but the mom responded, "What's the point, my baby is already dead." It was pretty heavy stuff. I don't think i'd know how to really respond to someone who just lost her child.

She also told me a story of a mother who gave birth to conjoined twins. The mother was worried that everyone would consider them some sort of freak show. The mom also had questions about how many birth certificates they should have, how she would take them home with only one baby seat, clothes, and all sorts of questions. The chaplain then mentioned that they also passed away.

Then the chaplain told me that she runs a small support group for the women who lost a child. She talked about how hard it was for them to see other mothers have children and baby showers. She shared how some of them hate the holidays and choose not to attend family get togethers. Mothers who recently lost a child would need to deal with all the people asking about their baby. I can't imagine the severe grief they go through because of their loss. Some of the mothers do get pregnant again and do have another child.  

I asked her what other challenges she faced as a chaplain. She said, "when abused children come in because of their parents." Apparently she dealt with some of the parents who would shake their child. She dealt with one case where the parent threw her child across the room and actually killed her own child. I was like.. O_O are u serious..
the chaplain also went on about how another child was born with severe brain damage and is at high risk. She talked about how she visits all the newborns and prays for them. She also told me a story of how one child would only survive a few hours after birth, and how the parents just held him for those few precious moments. I was like, "man, you have the toughest job." Of course these were the more rare cases, but i guess complications aren't as uncommon as we think.

But while she was talking, she stopped in the middle of her sentence and said, "wait. do you hear that?" across the hall a baby gave a loud healthy cry. She said with a big smile on her face, "That's a newborn's first cry." She said she hears them everyday since her office is right across the delivery room. It was pretty touching since i've never heard a newborn's first cry. It was definitely the highlight of my day to hear the first sound of a new life.

Survive or Thrive?

i hate when my blogs are jus venting
it seems a lot of people are struggling with present circumstances
it feels like we jus want to be out of a certain situation
and not hafta deal with stressful things
i crawled through Japanese for 6 semesters
then college had another 2yr language requirement
so again i hadta suck it up and persevere through hawaiian for 4 semesters
then i met my worst enemy called Greek
i don't know how i survived 6 semesters
i remember watching each second on the clock
trying not to think about the pain and how lost i was
i was so happy to be done with greek forever
now i hafta go back into a new darkness called Hebrew
ive had 8 years of learning language
and have absolutely nothing to show for
tryin to learn grammatical concepts and rules
jus makes me wanna barf and cry
so now i find myself avoiding studying as usual
i wouldnt mind learning things if they were more useful
maybe if i was tryin to become a linguist or something
i jus want to complain and avoid
every time i attempt to study i feel like i'm reading another language
oh wait it is
so now i'm very low on motivation
what's the point if i won't even use it
i dont care about grades, i jus want to pass
why spend hundreds of hours investing
into something that i'm not even slightly interested in
ok im done whining
it's my fault for signing up to take this masters curriculum
there's no turning back, and there's no way around it
back in high school
i learned the real smart people
are the one's who know how to avoid subjects they don't like
so i avoided science, history, and language classes
why these u ask? well because they should be called extreme memorization class
why cant we take classes on playing video games or
classes on working out in the gym

lately i find myself reminiscing of easier childhood days
i really had a great childhood
i enjoyed running around like a little kid
having my mom take care of all of my needs
i enjoyed playin with other kids
watching cartoons all day and playing games
for some reason i remembered how my mom and i made
a blanket fort in my room
it was a safe place, a fun place
but eventually blanket forts needed to come down
eventually we hafta grow up to take care of ourselves
get a education, make a living, get married
i don't think i want to take on the world
i still want to live in a blanket fort
where things are easy and full of laughter
but things dont work that way
and i know i need to mature
in faith i need to step up to challenges
and ask God to help me not jus get through with it
but to sharpen me in the process by being with me
even if it seems very painful
lol instead of analyzing it all and blogging
i should be actually doing my hebrew
lol nah i think ill save it for tmrw

counseling class

today in our counseling class small groups, i got to be the counselee
it was actually pretty helpful
this one girl jus listened to me vent,
which was nice because now days ppl dont listen very well
so jus having someone comprehend and understand
what i was going through was good feedback
then one of the pro teacher leader counselors
was asked to give me some counsel/spiritual direction
she asked very thoughtful questions and really wanted to help me
understand what i might be feeling
it was good to have someone reflect
my emotions, content and thoughts
i normally dont like to talk and share too much
about myself, but i'm learning that sometimes
we need to find people we trust to
receive grace and compassion from others
sometimes we need proper soul care of ourselves,
we actually need to take care of the deep anxieties
that we often bottle up
usually because we don't have people who can offer
the right attending skills
we ourselves need to be present with
other people when they really have something to share
we need to be patient and not cut people off
we need to learn how to read people's verbal and nonverbal gestures
when i was being counseled,
my emotions became very was obvious through my tone 
i even got a little teary, but i caught myself and stopped
it's great that we have the Holy Spirit
with us as the Great Counselor/ Physician
but it's also pretty awesome that we can be surrounded
by a supportive community called the church
as God's people we need to learn how to be there for others
sometimes our mere presence can be a ministry for others
i also need to learn how to ask better concrete questions
to further understand people
sometimes i jump to quick to assumptions
to try and figure out their problem
i guess the next step in counseling would be to help people
come to a deeper realization of their own
beliefs, values, assumptions, ideologies, behavior, and thoughts
and perhaps the most important tool in counseling
is inviting the Holy Spirit to help us minister
we need to have the discernment and wisdom to
know how God may be at work in their lives
overall, i think being practicing counseling skills
and getting more experience would help most
sometimes i move too quickly with my observations,
or sometimes i don't know exactly what to say
i don't know how to end this blog
ok bye
   

Psalm 73:21-28

"When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,
I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.
Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.
Those who are far from you will perish;
you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.
But as for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge;
I will tell of all your deeds." -Ps 73:21-28

Psalm 139:23-24

"Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting."

"There are five gospels of Jesus Christ, Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, and you, the Christian. Many people will never read the first four." -Gipsy Smith

To: Future Chris,

To: Future Chris,

bro past chris made a commitment to do daily devotions
and if you're bored surfing the internet like i know you are,
and you still haven't meditated on God's Word for today,
you need to get off the web and enjoy spending time with God instead
don't let your life be distracted by idols
you and i both know it's time for a change
remember how much super past chris grew when he did his devos?
remember how captivated in God's intimacy he was?
you should since i jus reminded you
i think you could really use some positive self talk
u ready? ok so listen up, here's what you're gonna do
ur gonna be committed and resolved to your goals
i wantchya to train in righteousness, holiness and purity
live with simplicity, self-discipline and self-control
slow your roll and take time to focus on what's truly important
idk, jus take a deep breath, and stop being so stressed out
i said slowww down, listen to me! jus chill for a sec
ok good, now preach the gospel to yourself daily
Jesus Christ stands in your defense, so don't condemn yourself,
confess and repent of your sins, u really got a lot bro
the Lord is good and His love endures forever, so go to Him in worship
His grace is sufficient and His power is made perfect in your weakness
future chris don't try to weasel out and make excuses!
i know your gonna try, cuz i'm you, you silly goose!
reaffirm your love for Him, communicate with Him
simply be with Him, seek Him, wait upon Him,
Be present by enjoying His presence
be faithful to what God has called you for the day
ok?? i'm watching u now! no more being lazy!
freals now, u better go do it! i'm serious future chris!
i'm chincha serious (-_-) 
lol present chris, you don't really sound that serious
present chris, you sound so ridiculous trying to motivate yourself
you're really confusing yourself with this prep talk
ok future chris now stop reading this and get off the computer
stop reading this.. well actually u can finish the paragraph..
YOU CAN DO IT! i know u can! remember the little engine who could?
you got this bro, you got this!
go pick up your bible, and meditate on His Word!
other things can wait! so go get your bible! go get it, open it up!
God is waiting on ya, so ask Him for help, ask for lots of help, pray hard
jus start with some small easy steps, consistency is key! 
oh and then after ur done, be a good boy and go do your homework too!
and also hit the gym, eat right and sleep early.. everyday!
oh and sorry for not buying any groceries and doing the laundry
u may need to wash ur car and get a haircut too
also u might wanna make an appointment with a psychologist
cuz u may have a mild case of schizophrenia :)

Sincerely,
Past Chris

dreams

i find myself getting easily stressed out. Sometimes they arn't even that big of a problem, but it still eats at me. I find myself falling into gaps of depression. And sometimes i'm not quite sure why. it's easy to think of easier times or how hopefully the future will be easier. But i guess i'm realizing that it's not about living for easy times. Perhaps God is telling me to be in this present moment, even if circumstances arn't the greatest. Even if a situation is tough, difficult and challenging, God is saying to overcome these hurdles by trusting Him, and walking with Him in the midst of these trials. Sometimes we just need to trust that this is exactly where God wants us to be for the present time. And eventually God will bring deliverance.

It's quite exhausting when you have so many things to do in a day/week. I find myself worried about time and getting things done. I think i'm having a hard time appreciating school this semester. I'm not really into my profs or learning hebrew. It jus seems like a lot of academic work and assignments for decent grades. I thought seminaries would go easier, focus on fellowship, worship and grace. But right now i jus feel like we're overwhelmed with reading books, writing papers and studying for test. it's hard not to let that anxiety go haywire and freak out. i want simplicity and not a bunch of demanding things to do. Ive been havin lots of dreams lately. Sometimes it's so fun to jus stay in dreams.

lol i jus talked about trusting God in present difficulties, then i jus complain..

For this semester's internship, i have to go visit at least 15 churches and meet with their pastor counselor. 15 is a lot. -__-

I feel like im in my prime right now. Well i might have been more athletic and stronger before, but as for health and consistency i've been doing pretty well. Makes me kinda sad since i kno im about to lose my healthy eating diet and probably lose the habit of living at the gym soon. Trying to maintain a strict diet and training routine becomes harder and harder.

gah im gonna be late for my boring class


also, i was thinking.. when we say we're going to live for God, it still seems like even in pursuing that, we're still jus really living for ourselves for the most part. maybe ill jus go to africa

we got it too easy here in america



OH! i jus remembered my dream..

i was playing with 3 dogs. 1 little black one, a medium brown one, and a big white one. They were hiding under the chairs, and the big one tackled my mom. and i was tryin to take pictures of them. hmm..  then i guess all the church kids and i were playing with waterballoons,  there was some weird lady at some house.. she was getting really mad and upset.. she said while we were playin water balloons we hit a bunch of random people at the park.. so we had to go apologize.. Somewhere in this dream i was also talkin to wolverine.

The other night i had this dream where my 2 friends we're making a spiderman parody utube movie, they even blew up a building. Then the next thing i notice my car falls off a cliff, but it's hanging from the edge. i desperately cling onto the back of the trunk, and try to climb on top of the car clinging to window cracks and whatnot. then i slip! and i was like "ah! oh no!" but then i caught something, and crawled my way back up to safety. there was a school bus, and on the bus i met my old friends. And i was like "shaun, marc, what u guys been up to?" One said.. "jus drinkin boba and getting fat." Then i went to my high school and i saw ike sleepin on 3 cafeteria chairs, he said he was tired cuz he works the night shift.  Then i saw this kid drawing mazes and pictures and i was like.. "wow cool drawings bro." Oh and there was this girl that i was tryin to ignore, but i had to walk to throw a banana peel in the trash, but i was trying hard not to make any eye contact.

Another dream, i me and greg were in comfortable lazy chairs.. he was super tired, i fell asleep in my dream. Then i was hungry so i broke into a house, which was actually my house.. and everything was dark. I found an ice cream cone in the freezer, but it was melted gross ice cream. So i tried to put it back, but i broke it in half. Then i hid in the dark cuz i heard my step dad coming up the stairs.. then Bemo from adventure time was like, "oh hey chris!" and im like, "No bemo! go away!" then my step dad found me and i said, "oh we're playin hide and seek."

I had this other dream where i was watchin some girl do a lot of pull ups and do gymnastics. We didnt realize that gregs whole family was waiting for us in the van. We got into the van, and the cops pulled us over cuz we ran a red light. But while we were pulled over we saw a shooter bad guy at a restaurant, so i pulled out my camera phone to video tape while everyone was running and screaming.

I had another dream where i was chasing a dog that was cursed by a spell. So this regular dog became power, ferocious, and very angry. I actually had to choke the dog to stop it from attacking me.   
Wow im realllly chincha gonna be late for school now.. I had a star wars ship that could travel through time and space. I found these scary portals under the ocean that could teleport you to different times. I was trying to find the right portal but kept choosing the wrong one. Most lead me to a deep spooky underwater ocean. I found one portal that led to my younger self. So i saw pictures of me when i was really young. Anyways, i decided that instead of going to find the dog, i'll go after the wizard who cursed the dog. Then i found the wizard sleeping, took his wand and broke it. But later one, we discovered that his true power was in his staff and not his wand. Anyway, i remember i found myself in a flying war zone. There we're these huge blimps like in avatar. The fire nation was on the attack. So we we're fighting bad guys, but then this girl took me really far behind the blimps, and i wondered why we were goin so far away from the action. She said, you never know if someone is up to something, so we better check. Then we found this airplane flying through the forest. Instead of going for a direct attack, we tailed them. The leader was the ice king from adventure time. Somehow he changed his plane to a little orange bird eating a peach. and the bird was flying around a tree trying to collect floating coins. Then as we followed it, it slipped away under a horizontal tree, the ice king had a secret place where he had all these identical birds but in different colors. So he told one of the orange birds to be a decoy. We caught up to the bird, and realized that he didn't have the same peach. Then i somehow ended up in a restaurant, and a girl forgot her purse, she told me she didn't want it, so i was like "ok i'll jus put it back." then i went to the front and remember eating a mint that was really good.

lol sorry my dreams make absolutely no sense.

I wish i could be in naruto and get paid to do missions, train my ninja skills and protect a village. but i guess that's called joining the army in real life.

R@nD0m

As time goes on, i'm starting to see how i enjoy counseling more than pastoring. I feel like i can only preach so many messages without sounding redundant. My creative juices have gone dry. But in counseling you get to listen to someone deal with their deeper feelings. You actually get to have a conversation and ask questions about them. Some people really just need extra attention and someone to listen to. One thing i learned, is that sometimes i'm so concerned with what i'm going to say next, i just cut the person off from things they wanted to share. The great thing about counseling is that your goal isnt to fix their problem, but to direct them to God. By reflecting their content back to them, asking questions, listening to the intensity of their emotion, and listening to the Holy Spirit, you can actually help other people realize and uncover what's really going on in their life. next week i gotta start lookin for an internship at a parachurch for a counselor to mentor me. For the longest time, i wanted someone to disciple/mentor me. But when i think about it, there are very few people who i would actually like to sit under, and very few people who can offer the time/commitment.

lol it was kinda funny in our counseling class when we were all introducing ourselves, cuz when it came to my turn i said.. "well it'd be nice to become a pastoral counselor in the future, but right now i'm the one who needs the counseling." It just felt funny that i was in a class of 20 other spiritual counselors, admitting that i'm the one who could use some help. The prof will probably use me in a 1on1 demonstration for some "realization/spiritual intake" skills in class. least i get free counseling.

Lately ive sensed my discernment getting sharper. When i hear things in sermons that just arnt true, bible verses taken out of context, or things falsely practiced, i cringe inside. I think all of us have had experiences where we know something isn't right, and yet we dont take courage to say anything about it. I think i'm beginning to hear God direct me a little better. It's hard when other people will say otherwise, but when it comes down to it, we need to hold to our convictions when God speaks to us. He's counsel is wiser than others and our own.

I asked a few ppl how their doing spiritually on a scale from 1-10, and i'm glad people do feel close to God. I'm actually doing worst then most people. It's easy to talk about God, but how much time do i really spend with Him? I need to learn patience in seeking Him, and have the self-discipline to just simply being with Him. Why does it seem like for the most part, i feel absent from God. Why does my heart wander? Why have i had such few intimate encounters lately? My thoughts get preoccupied and i always feel like i need to be doing something. I miss hawaii where i could jus put my shoes on, walk outside in the neighborhood, find the park and communicate with God. ahh i want shave ice! i miss bein home with my parents too. Life is jus so much easier and better when surrounded by family.

i think i think too much. lately i jus been consumed with worries, anxieties, stress about the future, and i can't seem to just find rest and be present with God. Why is it so hard to sit down and talk to God. i can barely last 2 minutes without being distracted. i definitely think worship music helps tho.. i definitely need more worship music.

gahh so much reading for school, i wish there were good books that i was actually interested in. I hate reading books that have no point, stupid points or simple things you already know. If your gonna write a book have something worth saying! Get to the point, teach me, capture me or entertain me. books are so boring! Perhaps this is why i like comic books, theyre short, bright colored and fast action paced. i also find myself extremely critical on movies too. romances are jus about sex, comedies have lost their humor, action ones usually have bad plots or bad acting/dialogue. Wheres the movies with deep conflict, trials, pain, surprising twist, character development and stuff that makes you think about life?

super random, but my roommate's fiance has been watchin Gosip Girl. So i kinda watched a few episodes. so much drama! it's so cheesy, but i find myself wanting to know what happens next. this guy likes this girl, but they broke up cuz they said the timing was bad, but then this prince wants to marry the girl, so the british dude charles decides to propose before the prince does, but it's too late and she decides to marry the prince. im like "omgosh!" all the characters are SUPER annoying, rich and snobby. all the characters hook up and break up like every 3 episodes. Theyre all mean and jus talk about everyone elses dirt. save the drama for ya mama. maybe i should get back into kdrama..

i really wanna buy a video game that comes out in october, and i really want this new comic book that comes out in november. lol i cant believe how much i think about it. It's funny how we always look forward to new movies/tv shows, events, and new releases. i jus want it to be christmas break already! im kinda jus blabbering on right now.. ok bye