jus spent the last two hours trying to manage everything. ive realized that ive been somewhat lazy lately. I feel like ive been putting 25% energy into things cuz i really dont like to work very hard. I dunno where i picked up the mentality of "i'll jus get by." I guess theres a part in all of us who jus wants to take the easy road. i dont like to spend my time on work because i think i overvalue fun and leisure.
sometimes we jus put the bare minimum and try to do enough. ive become an expert at taking short cuts and doing things fast. Which normally ends up pretty sloppy. I bank on procrastination because i wont do anythin unless it's due tomorrow. Since high school ive probably only turned in 3 assignments in late. cuz i probably jus forgot.
man i hate when u want to blog about something and u end up goin on a long rabbit trail tangent.
so anyways.. i looked at my room to see it pretty messy. my table needed a lot of cleaning and organizing. i decided to set up my Oct calender, and to actually start lookin at a bunch of school paper projects that are about to be due. I've been lingering in summer vacation still. I'm the student who hardly ever does the required reading. Makes me a little sad to see all these school books that ive collected over the years that ive hardly read. when u have like 8 books to read for class, it jus makes u feel defeated. plus the books are so boring and theres tons of other fun things to do instead.. gahh goin off topic again
I guess i jus wanted to mention that life requires a bunch of organization, planning and managing. It's even crazy how much work it is to take care of yourself. its easy to neglect our health. its also easy to neglect our spiritual health. i guess this whole blog is sayin that i need to use my time more wisely, and manage myself better. its so easy to fall behind in chores, school, and other goals. i need to learn to keep things organized and staying ahead of the game. future chris, dont wait till the last minute to get things done. have the discipline and self control to work hard.
kinda ironic how my last post told myself to stop complaining, and a few hours later i find myself complaining again. complaining doesnt get me anywhere, it wont solve my problems. i need transformation and strength to overcome my responsibilities n challenges. lol i always end up preaching to myself at the end of my blogs, u tell urself chris!
I'm finding myself very confused. do i over introspect? Do i over analyze? am i overly critical of myself? Well chris, i think the answer is quite easy, since ur critiquing yourself right now. i think im very hard on myself because i see all the things i'm not doing right. But at the same time, if i'm not strict on myself then i make way too many compromises. i guess if your tryin to improve yourself, u kinda need to be overly observant of yourself. you catch yourself falling into familiar patterns, and then try not to make the same mistakes. But at the same time, shouldnt i have grace for myself? I havent been able to eat a cheeseburger, fries and ice cream without feeling extremely guilty as if i jus committed a crime. but then i say, "hey ur too hard on urself chris," then immediately fall to the other side of the spectrum and become a snorlax.
perhaps im focusing too much on natural formation, and the things that i can do to better myself. I could use some moderation and balance. another thing about trying to better your habits is that if you don't set obtainable goals, you'll never be content. man im really rambling on and i dont even think im makin any sense. I always say i could use more spiritual formation, meaning practicing spiritual disciplines to allow God the space to work in your life. And well of course we could all be spending more time with God. I mean im sure we could all imagine ourselves being closer to God than we are now. Of course we could be doing better in our academics, occupational skills, health, and relationships. the pursuit is endless because there isn't a limit to sanctification. so in a sense, can you really ever be content at yourself?
We know that God loves us regardless of our performance. but can we really love ourselves and be truly contented regardless of our performance? unless we do everything absolutely perfect, we tend to be very pessimistic of ourselves. i see all the failures and missed opportunities of the day. i find myself saying, "man i coulda done that better." or, "i wish i did _______ instead of _______." If we were truly content in ourselves then what would motivate us to be and do better? If you were to ask yourself, "do i really love who i am? Am i really content with who i am?" We'd start to think of all our negative behaviors and insecurities. i bet i sound confusing so im gonna stop. if only i could tell my brain to stop.
im conflicted if i should get a head start on my homework paper, or if i should jus go to sleep since its late. dangit, i wrote this whole blog to inspire myself to become better and yet at the end of it i find myself resorting to whats easy and comfortable. so much internal conflict
sigh this is what happens when i get too serious about things. the chris who doesnt worry and jus plays zombie video games is so much easier. i havent really told anyone, but ive been having really bad stomach problems this whole week. i think i'm allowing myself to think that i'm really stressed. then that stress gets to me and it attacks my stomach. Im tryin so hard to not let the stress get to me. i find myself jus tryin to ignore it and not think about problems. Yes God does relieve my stress, but i guess the gym helps a lot too. swimming, jacuzzi, the steam room, plus a warm shower is a miracle worker.
Do you have any stressful problems in your life? Perhaps you bottle ur feelings up like i do. but instead of holdin on to them and letting it eat at you, why not surrender them and say, "Here God, i trust you with this problem, i wont let it bother me anymore cuz i know u can handle it."
I once heard someone say this on the radio.
"Yes i'm not where i should be.
But i'm a far way from where i used to be.
And i have hope for where i will be."
God please help. Amen.
No comments:
Post a Comment