No Thanks

Lately I've been conflicted on when I should yes or no to opportunities. I know it's not good to just let opportunities just slip away, but sometimes I have to learn when to say no. I end up becoming a people pleaser, probably because deep down we all want to be liked. But sometimes if we say yes to everything and over extend ourselves, we become too busy and burnt out. It's easy to fill up a weekly schedule with too many commitments and responsibilities. My plate has been so full that i just cant do it all. Sometimes I hesitate to make a choice and the opportunity might no longer be available. I've been really out of energy lately that i've had to decline doing all that I could. It's okay to say "No thanks, maybe next time." Life isn't just about work, work, work. We need balance. 

Thirteen Reasons Why

i binged watched 13 reasons why this past week. It really hooked me in. Netflix is killin' it. i personally think the producers did a great job capturing the characters and how they connect in the story. They combined the present with flashbacks really well. Sure it's high school drama but i think its themes still can apply to all of us. There's issues of suicide, depression, sexual assault, domestic and substance abuse, friendships, relationships, bullying, gossip, and other social pressures.

13 Reasons Why is about a girl who commits suicide and left 13 tapes for people to listen to. Each tape tells a story of someone who contributed to why she decided to make her choice. The story could've gone a hundred different ways, but I like that it shows our human depravity and imperfections. We've all hurt someone somehow, by our words, actions or lack there of. The smallest of actions can have big consequences, for better or worse.

I think it reaffirmed my pursuit of going into the mental health profession of counseling. There are tons of ppl hurting with various problems, and sometimes all they need is someone willing to help, listen and care.

Quotes

"Are you being bullied?
Am I being bullied?
What if I was the bully mom?
Would you want to know that?
You would never be a bully
How do you know that?
Because I know you. Because you're a good kid.
Maybe there aren't any good kids."

"You don't f*ck with another dude's car"

"I think i'm losing my sh*t
Sh*t is overrated. lose it."

"Would you just shut up tony?
I get so sick of your little sayings and things you point out acting all wise
You're like this unhelpful yoda"

"all guys are assholes. some are assholes all the time, all are assholes some of the time"

"I was going to work harder. be smarter. and be stronger. because u cant change other people, but you can change yourself."

"you cant go back to how things were or how you thought they were. All you really have is now.

"Dream big of all the things you can be. Don't settle."


"Some of you care. None of you cared enough."

"It has to get better. The way we treat each other and look out for each other. It has to get better somehow."

Why so serious?

If u know me at all, u probably know that i live too much in my head. i guess it's ironic to blog my thoughts about how i overthink. my therapist once said that she thinks i get easily overwhelmed. that's probably true. I overthink, over analyze, and can take things too seriously. Sure there's a time to reflect, meditate and observe, but too much is no bueno.

has anyone ever made a comment that is meant to be a joke but u jus take it too seriously or personally? sometimes we view our tiny first world problems in great fear, as if it's something chaostropic. keep it simple stupid. don't sweat the small stuff.

One of the best ways to turn my head off is to focus on something else.. like playing games, watching movies, exercising or listening to music. my mind can get too active and hyper and it needs to jus chill out more. What are things that help you to calm down and relax? Sometimes just taking a few deep breaths really does help.

Do u ever re-read and over analyze what u write and think to yourself, hmm maybe i could say this in a better way, maybe i could use better words, maybe i shouldn't say this at all, why does my grammar and spelling suck? how can i edit this? how might this be misinterpreted? what the heck exactly am i even saying this and why bother? i feel like im constantly trying to connect and organize my thoughts into words so me no sound dumb. 

Sometimes i put too much care and meaning into things or people when it should be pretty easy and simple. i can go a bit overboard. Sometimes less is more. Sometimes i exaggerate my problems and make them more complicated than they are.

ive always been pretty critical and hard on myself. with somethings i can be too much of a perfectionist. i worry about what i said or did or what i didn't say or do, or what i might say or do, or how it was interpreted.

Sometimes i regret saying something stupid that i can't take back, sometimes i regret not speaking up and saying something when i should've. It takes confidence and courage to speak up, wisdom to know when to bite your tongue, and great discernment to know when to speak or withhold. 

I think i worry too much. Sometimes i think of all the alternative choices or possible worlds that could be if i made a different choice, (probably why i like turn based strategy games so much). sometimes im so afraid of making the wrong choice i can't decide to go left or right. Im rarely ever 100% confident in any of my decisions lately. What do u want to eat? im like 60% sure i want somen salad, and 40% sure i want eggs and rice. and sometimes u jus hafta make decisions even if ur not entirely sure.

When i do make a wrong choice i hold so much anger toward myself. i say ah shucks, i should've done it like this, i should of said it better, i shouldn't have said or done x, y and z. Sometimes i catastrophize and think the worse is going to happen. What if i end up alone forever? What if i amount to nothing? What if i lose everything and everyone i care about? What if i make a huge mistake? What if im jus a disappointment, a failure, and a screw up? Negative thinking does us no good.

we're gonnd make mistakes. it's part of being human. and i guess failure and mistakes are part of the learning process to make better decisions. And when we do goof up, we cant dwell and internalize them for too long, or they'll jus eat us up into we're paralyzed. All we can do is try our best next time.

I admire those who are cheerful, carefree and lighthearted. Sometimes i wish i could be like my cat. He jus chills all day, and is always so relaxed. 

God is always available to take away our worries, fears, doubts, anxious thoughts, and burdens. In the midst of our pain, emptiness and brokenness, it's amazing how he can give us stillness and peace. He gives us living water, only he can satisfy. I usually try to find escapes through other means, when ultimately he is the only one who has the power to give us true rest, comfort and peace.

Simplicity
Be kind, compassionate and gentle to yourself.
Stop overthinking
Meditate
Everything will be alright
Kill negative thoughts
Try to be more positive
Relax
Don't take things too seriously

Mental Prison

My old roommate and I used to have a term to describe how it felt to be really stressed out about school. We called it, "mental prison." When you have an exam to study for or a huge research paper to write you're not physically enslaved, but mentally stuck in prison because you can't fully enjoy anything knowing you need to study or finish school work. I've been in mental prison the past two weeks. I also got sick, so ive been pretty miserable.

New Years Resolutions

So i guess now that it's a new year that means we're supposed to be super resolved and goal orientated right? i think every year i cant help but reflect on where i am in life and where i'm headed. Sometimes it doesn't seem like i'm headed anywhere. Sometimes it feels like i'm moving backwards more than forwards. However, sometimes it's necessary to take a step back, so we learn how to get back on our feet when we're down. Even if we do move backwards, there are lessons to be learned and just gaining a deeper understanding of ourselves can be something positive.

New Years

Dad:   You want some desert?

Me:     Nah, one of my new year's resolutions is to
          have more discipline

Dad:   Yeah, but it's not the new year yet!

Me:     Okay I'll have desert


Mom:  This year we're gonna do it Japanese style
          and clean up the house before the new year

Me:     Japanese style? But you're Chinese..
          What's the Chinese style?

Mom:  Do nothing.

Me:     What's the Korean style?

Mom:  Eat kimchi.

God,
Please help me. God I need your wisdom and guidance. Restore me, lead me, teach me. Help me make good choices and to listen to your will. Abba Father, have your way with me. I surrender all to you. Your grace is sufficient. And in my weaknesses, may you be my strength. May you be glorified. Help me to step outside of my comfort zone. Give me clarity, direction and peace. Empower me. Give me the courage, confidence and self-discipline to be my best self. Help me to trust you more. Fill me with your love and joy. Thank you, Amen.

inner voices overthinking

it's been difficult to try and hold it all together. have you ever felt like you might just break? ive felt like exploding and just falling apart. ive been trying to do everything responsibly, but im so overwhelmed, and super tired. feeling stressed would be an understatement.

I feel a bit broken. i feel worried and confused. i feel depressed and negative emotions. i feel sad, lonely, defeated, empty, discouraged and angry at myself. i question myself, i doubt myself. sometimes fears overwhelm me.

what happens when i lose ppl in my life? What happens if i end up alone? What happens if i can't make enough money to survive? What happens if i never live up to my potential? What happens if my best efforts just aren't enough?

Sometimes i just need someone to tell me that it's all going to be okay.

I can hear two schizophrenic voices of myself talking to me. i ask myself if i can really do this all? Why am i doing this? Why am i really doing this? how do other people do it? How come my best doesn't seem good enough? it's too hard. i jus wanna drop everything. Im exhausted. im dead tired. im burnt out. i gots no energy.

i know negative thoughts and feelings don't do much good, but should we deny how we really feel? if i feel sad, isn't it okay to feel sad?

i wish i could turn back the time to when i could jus play in the sand as a kid. turn back the time to when i could jus play freeze tag. turn back the time to when i didnt hafta worry about anything.

Maybe you are trying to do to much. It's okay to slow down.

Don't give up. stop complaining. others have it way harder. and ur whining about feeling a little stressed? uve got it good. jus take it one day at a time. you're capable of doing it all. fight back. you can overcome these obstacles. You're much stronger than you think. what's really so hard? What do you really want? What's your goals? what's important to you? somethings must be fought through. and important things must be fought for. because in the end its worth it. motivate yourself. Challenge yourself. dont be afraid of hard work. giving up would be too easy. what would it really be like if u just gave up? things will get better. You'll get better. everything will be alright. believe you can succeed. You can choose who u want to be. You can make a difference for others. You can do great things. hard work pays off. just keep moving. Do your best. Be your best self. stop spendin all your money u fool! listen to music. study hard. eat right. work out. sleep early. balance your life. focus. Pray. trust. find your strength in God. I can do all things through him who gives me strength. persevere. Do not worry.

instead of listening to all ur inner voices, perhaps we should be trying to listen to God's voice. Wouldn't the God of the universe know what's best for us?

Matthew 6:25-34
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away  in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers/ lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, you of little faith? So do not worry, saying 'What shall we eat?' or 'what shall we drink?' or 'what shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

thoughts

I seem to have constant reoccurring lessons. it's easy to lose sight of our goals. it's easy to fall into apathy and just go through our daily routines. Ive been busy trying to juggle work and school that it's nice to jus have a day to not worry about anything. Every once in a while it's very refreshing to step outside of our circumstances and reflect on who we are, who we want to be and what we value.

This year i wanted to grow in self-confidence and somehow i think i have. If we grow in confidence we can tackle things in life without doubting ourselves. Who cares if we fail, that's part of the learning process. Who cares what others think, just be yourself. I also want to work on being more positive, that includes killing negative thoughts, how i view myself and how i interact with others. But.. easier said then done. Have you ever met someone who purposely tries to be very positive and smiles a lot? It's contagious. 

There's a verse in 1 Corinthians 13 that talks about how if we do not love, we are nothing. I remember we had to memorize this chapter in junior high and high school. If we don't love God, ourselves and others, really life becomes meaningless and also very empty. So with this it becomes pretty clear what is important in life. Treasure God's goodness, treasure relationships, see yourself and love yourself the way God loves you. And then when we look back at all our problems, anxieties, and insecurities, they really don't seem so bad in the big picture. In fact, life is actually really good!

Long Day

Today was a very long day. This morning we had a burial service for my popo. All the immediate family and some of her friends arrived. Popo didn't want a formal funeral. She didn't like to inconvenience others or draw attention to herself. She said if anyone really cares they'd come see me while im still alive. Which is actually a pretty good point. Even though the family wanted to have a funeral we respected her wishes and kept it simple. She was buried next to her dad.

We all wore either red or green, christmas colors! because red is good luck in Chinese and i guess green was her favorite color. So without really knowing how the burial would go, we began to each say a few things we remembered about her and then placed a white rose on top. She lived a long full life. And to be honest, longer than anyone really expected. She's finally able to rest in peace.

We then went to Asia Manoa which is a Chinese restaurant we went to last with her. This time it was different without her. I think her favorite topic to talk about was food. She would never waste any food. It was good to be with family and to celebrate her life.

The hard part of all of this is that this past week the family has been trying to clean up her apartment because she was somewhat of a hoarder. She kept everything, magazines, newspapers, books, CDs, tapes, vases, a whole cabinet full of napkins, towels, clothes, and more travel magazines. Just way too much stuff. Today we got a lot finished and gave donations to Salvation Army / Good Will. I've actually never really spent this much time with one of my uncles before so it was actually pretty nice. We had bulky items like a sofa, a bed, a table etc, and we couldn't find where to drop it off. Finally we found a place. Man just too much piles of junk. Apparently, one of her friends owns a thrift shop so we gave her a bunch of stuff too. Still so much to go through. im so burnt out.

Popo

My Popo was taken by the ambulance a few days ago because she has heart and breathing problems. She's had heart issues for years and for the past few months has shown short-term memory loss. She's been to the hospital many times before and they usually release her after a few days. We've had a handful of scares before, but she always seemed to recover and get better. She had a few surgeries and even had a heart pacer.

I remember when my grandpa passed away it was really hard on my mom. I never really knew my dad's parents because they passed away at a young age. So my popo on my mom's side was really the only grandparent i grew up knowing.

My uncle was with my grandma earlier this morning and said she was doing fine and being her talkative self. But sometime in the afternoon she took a turn for the worst and wasn't responding to anything anymore. She had no normal functioning because her body and mind were shutting down. The doctors said, "It's only a matter of time and that she's too weak to do any surgery." I rushed to the hospital and my mom and two uncles were already there. When i arrived she was able to open an eye and acknowledge that I was there. Her fingers would also squeeze mine too. But she wasn't able to talk or really move. I got to say some last rites through prayer. So it was good to say everything i needed to. My uncle then confessed to popo that he started a fire alarm when he was younger lol.

She used to watch me when i was young. I used to build pillow forts at her house and play with these really old yet fun toys. I remember I used to climb on a tree in her yard. She used to feed me ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner cuz i was so stubborn to eat anything else lol. She was a travel agent and traveled to over a hundred different countries. I remember going to Europe, China and the Bahamas with her. She lived to travel. She was very knowledgeable and was also willing to share interesting facts about history and culture. She loved reading and learning. She was social, had a strong work ethic and was always very thoughtful. She would always be concerned about others and give graciously to the less fortunate. As a word of advice, she would say, "One good investment, is worth a lifetime of labor." And she'd say "But one bad investment can make you go broke."

She also would take classes at UH even when i was going to college there and she would go to just learn and listen to lectures. She would also always invite us over for dinner and that would bring the family together. She never wasted food and always shared her love by giving gifts to people. She would force us to take food even when we didn't really want it lol. She also made the best jook. oh man it was good.

I remember she would try to tell a joke she heard and would completely forget how to tell it right lol. Something about how a guy had long hair, and his excuse was cuz Jesus had long hair, and his dad said, "Yeah well until you walk on water, cut your hair." She was someone who appreciated even the small things in life. She really appreciated art, history and different cultures. She would also be persistent at trying to get me to use her handicap parking pass. She would carry her cane and never really use it. Popo had such a great smile and laugh too, it was contagious. I remember one time she smashed a cockroach with her bare foot. i was like.. danng, that's super gross! Growing up some family would call me toph or tophi bucket and she would either call me honey bunny or more commonly "tofi." Sometimes i would give her a phone call and she'd answer who's this? I would say "Chris", she's like, "Who??" Then i'd say, "Tofi," Then she's like, "Ohh Tofi!" lol

More family members came in the hospital room and the nurse checked her heartbeat and pulse. She said that it got a lot weaker and her breaths were getting more and more shallow. The reality of having my popo leave started to really hit me. We all kind of knew it would happen one day, but for some reason i just didn't feel ready for this.

Our family then held hands and my uncle began to say a prayer again. My other uncle would grab my popo and say, "Mom! Mom!?" and she wouldn't respond. I was holding her hand hoping she would lightly squeeze my fingers like before. Everyone including myself started to cry. I looked up in the middle of prayer to look at my popo, she would take a very small faint breath. But the second time i looked up, i didn't see her breathing anymore. The nurse then interrupted and said she needs to listen with a stethoscope, and my uncle who's a doctor also said he couldn't feel a pulse.

At 5:45pm she passed away at the age of 88. I felt this sinking feeling because this was all too real. Someone i knew my whole life was no longer with us. it was like a candle flame slowly fading off. Some were trying to focus on celebrating her life, but for me at that moment it was too soon and that didn't help. everyone started to grieve in their different ways. We all began to hurt together. It was strange seeing family members break down in tears, it's just something i've never seen. It was painful. I needed to leave the room since i still couldn't believe it just happened like that all of a sudden. I was still in shock trying to process what just happened. Besides sad and confused i felt kind of angry. I had a hard time controlling my emotions, i wanted to throw the cup i was holding. i wasn't angry at God, cuz i know he'll take care of her, i honestly do hope and pray that she went to heaven because we were all very unsure about it.. I was just angry at sin and death. i dont think ur ever really ready to lose someone.. We all thought she would bounce back and keep going like she normally does. Even tho it was expected it still felt unexpected. It hurts losing a loved one. Part of me still refuses to accept that she's really gone.

Interestingly a few people ive talked to say that she's still with us. And i know what they mean, but its jus not the same. My mom says she still talks to her. Someone mentioned, that they are like ghost that live within us. And altho i understand what they're sayin, i still want to physically see the person and not just hold on to memories. also.. when someone passes away, it makes you wonder if you really did all that you could to spend time with that person and to be there for them. I think i definitely coulda been a better grandson. Sometimes my mom would ask to go visit her and i'd selfishly wanted to do my own things. I know i spent time with her, but it's hard to have no regrets at all.

In the positive light, the immediate family was all there, she wasn't in any pain and she got to go peacefully. I think this is probably the best way she wanted to go. I'm definitely gonna miss her. I'm glad that i did get to spend time with her in these past few years. My aunt is gonna fly in tomorrow to stay with us and help clean up her apartment. She literally has thousands of old magazines and newspapers. In a few days they'll have a burial for her. She didn't want a big formal funeral. She lived a long full life and I think she was ready to go. I pray that she's in God's care now and that we'll all be able to see her when it's our time to leave as well. Goodbye Popo, take care. you were the best. we'll miss you a lot. 

Christian Therapy and Cognitive Restructuring

There's been a lot on my mind lately. And since i'm going into the counseling field, i figured it'd be a good idea to go see a therapist. Ive seen about 4 christian counselors before, and its always been nice to unload my mind. There's an old stigma that you must be very mentally ill to see a therapist. But i think counseling can be very beneficial to everyone. I met with this counselor twice before over a year ago. Shes like a wise Chinese oracle that just says the things you need to hear. I like that she combines psychology with Christian theology and acknowledges how our spiritual walk with God affects us. It's nice to have someone just listen and focus on trying to help you become better.

The great thing about talking to a therapist is that they're held to strict confidentiality, and you can be honest with them and yourself. You don't need to really hide guilt and shame for your mistakes. They try to approach things with care and understanding rather than judgement. And in a way, i think this is what makes God so great too. We can confess sins and receive forgiveness, knowing that God loves us anyway regardless of how many times we screwed up.