quote

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next." -Glida Radner

"To enjoy the future, accept God's forgiveness for the past."

For the unknown things in our future, we need to let go of our mistakes in the past, embrace where we are in the present, and place our faith and trust in God. 

The Pandas

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back to preschool!

the past few months i've been asking people if they think i should switch jobs. I go down the list of the pros and cons of each. And usually most of them are more clueless than i am. It almost comes down to a tie. I think i would be alright regardless of which job i chose. Staying at my current job which involved helping a special needs high school student was the rational choice. Logically it was better because it would allow me to focus on school. however just logic isn't always the right choice.

Instead of listening to what everyone else thought, i decided to listen to myself and do what I want to do. I'm usually dependent on the input and advice of others. But i ended up trusting what I thought would be best for myself and decided on my own. I called up the preschool and they said they filled the position after i declined. But luckily another new full time teaching position opened up! She said if i wanted the job they'd be happy to have me. I'll get either the 4 or 5 year old class. I've been wrestling with this for a while and glad i had the opportunity to still become a preschool teacher. I had a lot of self-doubt that I wouldn't be able to handle all the commitment and responsibility. But now i feel confident in myself that I'll do a good job. Im gonna be the best preschool teacher EVER! all the other kids in other classes are gonna be super jelly because they're gonna want Mr. Chris as their teacher.

decisions

About two months ago i started looking for a full time job. Most of them were in the field of education and working with students. I've always told myself, working with children really isn't work because they have so much joy, laughter and life in them. Kids know how to live in the present. They just want to play and have fun. Those have always been important values for me. But as we grow older, other values and responsibilities compete for our priorities. it'd be nice to stay young forever.

cooking 101

once in awhile when i feel courageous enough i try to attempt to cook. anything in the kitchen feels like a messy science project to me. i was supposed to cook this on mothers day, but we ended up going out instead. im usually more of the easy, quick and cheap meals kinda guy, but i figured i'd push myself to try do something nice for my mom. i came down with a super bad fever so it made cooking a little more challenging, but in the end it came out alright and super tasty! thank goodness for youtube

good friends

I had two good friends greg and melissa fly in from CA. They were here to celebrate their younger sister's graduation. It was refreshing to get to see them and just enjoy the weekend. All we did was pretty much eat a lot of food lol. way too much food lol. The best part is laughing and talking about the most random things. it's almost as if my friends and i have our own language. We use way too many references and inside jokes, but it never gets old. It was a breath of fresh air getting to spend some time with them because they usually bring out the playful and fun side of me. I realized that humor and laughter really are connected to friendships. Spending quality time with good friends rejuvenates our happiness and health in a way that other things cant.

finding your best self 2

For some reason that quote in "Wild" still lingers in my mind. A mother tells her daughter, "If there's one thing I can teach you, it's how to find your best self and when you do, hold on to it for dear life." No, I wouldn't say I found my best self, but I think i've taken a few steps closer to it lately. I can see the areas where i need to improve. When you begin to find your better self, your base self, you start to notice that you're naturally in a better, happier mood with more energy. I think i stumbled on a few simple, yet important realizations of self discovery. I'm not quite sure how to word it all. But i think it has to do with holistic health, self-fulfillment, self-actualization, growing in self-love, overcoming self-defeat, and taking control of your life. Finding your best self also includes believing in yourself and having confidence in your faith.

Self-fulfillment.
    This was the closest term I could find to describe reaching our full potential. It has to do with personal fulfillment and self-worth. This isn't about achieving success to please or impress others. It isn't really concerned with your career or relationship status, or how much money you have, or lack of. True success and the american dream are quite different. "Don't climb mountains so the world can see you, climb mountains so you can see the world."

     Finding your best self has to do with challenging yourself, pursuing your dreams, maximizing our potential, overcoming obstacles, and fighting for personal growth. We need to treat ourselves with the best for us to become our best. How can we grow to treat ourselves just a little bit better? In chur's dictionary, self-fulfillment is basically doing things to become our best, so we're capable of giving our best. However, it also means we'll have to sacrifice and change our old habits. Usually it involves changing how we think about ourselves. Our thoughts and feelings about ourselves can strongly affect our will.

It can sound sort of selfish to be obsessed with your own holistic health, but really the greater our faith grows, the more balance and maturity we'll have. If it were possible to be one step closer to God, what would that take? If it were possible to be just one percent happier, what would that take? It's really hard to love others and have their best interest when we don't love ourselves and receive God's love first.

have you ever had a dream..

if you don't write down or tell your dreams, they're like lost memories forever


so im in this room with two cops. one cop says, "hey wanna try hold my gun?" He hands me his gun. I'm like, "oh cool." he takes it back. he then shoots the other cop, drops the gun and runs off. I stand in shock looking at the bleeding cop and the gun with my prints on the ground. I've just been framed. but then i think to myself, do I get rid of the evidence because it all points to me, even though i'm innocent? There's no other witnesses or cameras. Who would believe me? I grab the gun and wipe the prints off with my shirt and bolt. Some time goes by and apparently no one found the guy.

I go to a hotel casino where there's lots of people gambling. I find my dad and tell him, "I need to tell you something in private. It's urgent." He says, "okay, follow me so we can go somewhere to talk." We find a couch, and there's still too many people making too much noise. An old friend of mine runs into me, hops on the couch and says, "Hey man, long time no see! how ya been doing?" I come off sounding angry, "dude, not right now, i'm in the middle of something important! I need you to leave." He refuses to leave and continues to ask questions about what's going on. My dad says, "We gotta go. let's head for the parking lot." As we're in the elevator, i spill everything that happened about how I got framed. he tells me, "you should first obviously report the incident, it doesn't help that you fled the scene. Call the police immediately."

We're still walking to the car in the parking lot, and i'm on the phone with the operator. I tell her, "There's a cop who's been shot and i've been framed! you gotta help me!" She responds, "okay calm down sir, now tell me what happened." Just then I see a tall guy with a gun in the parking lot. I'm pretty sure it was a different guy. He starts shooting a guy cold blooded. He sees me witness the whole scene and starts shooting at me. I start running in between cars still on the phone yelling. "There's another guy at this hotel with a gun shooting people! you gotta send help!!  then i wake up sad because there was no closure to the dream.

i think i gotta stop watching the news for a while lolThere was an army of soldiers taking over all the lands. I was part of the last few remaining rebels. We met at a secret location to discuss strategy. We watched on television how the soldiers murdered a whole crowd in a football stadium. They needed to be stopped. Our plan was to allow ourselves to get captured and to work for the enemy, and then break out and free the captives. We had a scientist dude working on some type of robo tech weaponry and armor. Explosions started to go off. There was gun fire and loud screams. Someone yelled at me saying, "We gotta get out now! There's no time!" We made an escape, but were being pursued. We found a small house in which we decided to make our last defense. We held them off for as long as we could. Luckily back up support arrived and we were able to capture the bad guy leader. We then tended to the wounded, and began walking back to reclaim our homeland. I forgot tons of details, but that was the just of it


There was a large ocean. Christians planned a huge event to share the gospel. But when we finally arrived, everyone chickened out and was too afraid. I was a little upset. But then i realized, I too was scared for some reason. I remember seeing large waves crashing on the ocean. I could see small lights on boats in the distance. I wondered, there must be something I can do to save them. I remember observing the darkness and chaos of the ocean. I ran into the ocean and was able to pull someone out.


Oh i just had another crazy dream.. That doesn't make too much sense. I was chosen to be one of 12 contestants to be in a reality tv show. The show is that they put everyone in this weird giant mansion that's extremely dark. Apparently many people died in the last season of the show. What's interesting is that they can control everything inside the giant mansion, kinda like the hunger games i guess. But the scary part is that they allow these very strange demons inside the mansion. The demons can morph to look like anyone or anything. The goal is to see who can spend 4 hours inside the mansion and survive the test.

Before the show actually starts, i open a door that leads to a giant desert. This lady tells me to follow her and leads me to a small portable building. She tells me the entire desert is fake and made up, but the demons in the mansion are actually real. She explains that the things that happen in there are basically out of their control, except they can put us in or out when they want to. Then she makes me sign a few papers to for liability, that they aren't responsible if I die and I understand the risk.

Then I go back through the desert and I get ready to enter the house. Apparently I'm the number 12 contestant and have to enter first. All the contestants don't know what each other look like, and are allowed to help each other. The tricky part is that we don't know if it's a contestant or a demon in disguise. So I enter the house and it's really dark with lots of hallways and doors with a few candles lit. Soon I hear people screaming. I find two other people. One guy mentions not to trust a certain girl and to be careful because he thinks she's a demon.

 So me and these two people find ourselves in a small dark room with only a flashlight. There's these platforms like in mario or minecraft. And i guess you can't touch the ground or you die. So i'm jumping to a shelf, and a giant dark demon grabs me in the air. I fall back and start yelling, "Use the flashlight!" I guess they don't like the light much. So we continue through the maze mansion, and one by one i'm notified who is still alive and who already died. I somehow lose the other two people I was with. and this little girl starts following me down a hall. I turn around and ask, "Who are you! why are you following me!" She just smiles in a weird way. I keep walking, i turn around. And the girl changed her ethnicity so i knew she was a demon. I start running. I make it to a room that looks familiar to a room in my house. Voices start to taunt me. I get a little paranoid that the demons might draw from the darkness or from any object. I notice there's only 1 hour left and i'm one of the last survivors. In order to repel the demons I start singing, "Jesus lover of my soul" very softly. I notice the demons are afraid for once just by hearing his name. So i sing louder and faster. I find a demon who looks like a child standing in the bathroom. I tell him, "brah stop scaring people, it's getting old. try to be nice. maybe you can make a friend or something." he acknowledges it's probably a good idea. Then i get sucked through this tiny portal that's in a little vase thing. I arrive outside where the last few survivors are doing their homework waiting for their parents to pick them up lol. Then a white van comes to pick me up.


In another dream i was in a hotel room with a bunch of friends, we were waiting to go somewhere. We started to play hide and seek. i hid under the bed, but realized it was too dirty under there. So then i started to tell everyone the wonders of silly putty and how fascinating i thought it was. I was like, you guys never heard of silly putty? you can copy print off newspapers and blow an air bubble and pop it! but no one seemed interested. lol  

oh i also had a dream that i had a horse but couldnt fit him in my car. so i ended up walking him down my hill. 

happiness

This girl in my class said something 3 weeks ago that has still stuck in my mind. She said, "Deep down, everyone just wants to be happy." I think that makes a lot of sense to why people do things. It can sort of dictate our behavior, actions and addictions. Sometimes I find myself just browsing on ebay or amazon because  maybe buying something might make me feel better. Sometimes purchasing something gives us this temporal happiness, but it usually wears out quickly. It's kind of like junk food. Good for the moment, but overtime too much of it becomes a problem. Chris, too much pizza and ice cream is not good! Self control! I guess it takes some a lot of self-discipline to deny instant gratification for a greater delayed gratification.

In counseling, one thing therapist look for is an underlying root, or a common thread that really connects the problems and narrows down the issue I ask myself, "What is it that I really want in life?" or "What am I really looking for?" And sometimes I have to remind myself of my long term goals. Sometimes we get distracted from our purpose and our passions. Living without purpose and without love, is pretty meaningless. and not to mention really boring. Sometimes we begin looking for happiness in the wrong places. we settle for idols instead of truly being satisfied in God and drawing joy from an intimate relationship with him. true happiness is correlated to growing in both our relational and spiritual health.

I started watching "The Last Man on Earth" on hulu. It's hilarious. At first i had my doubts, but then i found it pretty funny. Will Forte plays the last man on earth, and in the first episode he's doing all sorts of fun things, but then he realizes that he's really all alone. He even makes faces on sports balls and starts talking to them like tom hanks from "Cast Away." Spoiler alert, he finally meets people. But you can see how his every action boils down to putting his underlying desires first. He lies and deceives. He has a conniving and scheming character, always trying to impress others. And i think eventually he realizes he needs to change his selfish behavior for the good of others.

Lessons i need to remember. 1) Keep in mind the roots of my behavior. What makes me do the things i do. What are my motives, desires and passions? 2) Happiness is related to healthy relationships, good virtues and being purposeful. 3) Pursue happiness in the right way. stay true to your convictions. 4) Take small steps in the right direction. 5) Self confidence. Take responsibility. Believe in yourself. You can achieve whatever you want. Internal locus of control. Self Efficacy. 6) Stop thinking negatively, practice graditute and contentment. 7) cherish friendships, put other's needs before my own. 8) go exercise like a beast you lazy butt! take better care of yourself, like having better sleeping habits 9) laugh and enjoy the present 10) Fight and work to be your best self.

possible worlds

Sometimes I see my life like a movie. But more like a book. I start to see the chapters in my life. I start thinking of where I was, who i was and the important people of those chapters. I start thinking, what did I learn from these previous chapters. Instead of reading the present chapter, I find myself over reflecting on the what ifs. What if I could redirect this movie and start from the beginning? What if I could rewrite these past chapters?

I then begin thinking of alternative possible worlds. Imagine all the different realities i could possibly have. They're infinite. We make some decisions that dictate big changes in our life. What if I didn't move? What if I never went to that school? What if i never met this person. What if I pursued or didn't pursue someone? What if i chosen to stay? What if I didn't apply or choose to work somewhere? What if I didn't move in with certain roommates? What if I said this, or that? What if i didn't do this or that? What if..

Pursuit

A friend from cali came to visit hawaii for a week. Usually not seeing someone for a long time really weakens a friendship. When you live farther away, you're just less involved in each other's life. And eventually communication becomes obsolete. And i think that's a typical pattern, unless both friends make it a point to actually keep in touch. But i think life long friends sorta stand out to you. Even if you go for months without talking, they're still people you value and care about.

Anyways, i feel like i got to be some what of a host in playing tourist guide around hawaii. Most tourist just stay in waikiki, and it gets super crowded and congested that most locals kinda know to stay away from all the traffic there. but i noticed a lot of tourist are beginning to branch farther away and towards other places. There's quite a lot in hawaii we take for granted. When people think of hawaii, people first think about the beaches. We probably have the best beaches in the world and yet I feel like i never really take full advantage of that. Then there's the food. Everywhere we drove i would point out, oh you should try that place etc. And then pointing out stuff in a direction that people really don't care about. Oh my so-and-so lives there, and this is where my so-and-so works, blah blah, and they look out and are like, "oh.. cool.," lol.

Crazy All the Time

i shouldn't be blogging. I have a 14 page paper due in 6 hours. It's on a 300pg book I was supposed to have read already for my Abnormal Psychology class. but i started yesterday and barely got a third read. i wish i started reading it sooner. It's not that i need to learn how to read, it's that i need to learn how to want to read. It's strange having different reading speed modes. Slow and super analytic comprehension, and super fast scanning for info speed. But now that i actually dove in the book, i actually find it to be super interesting. Mental disorders and counseling therapy theories in general are interesting to study. It's called, "Crazy All the Time: On the Psych Ward of Bellevue Hospital." by Dr. Frederick Covan. It's non fictional and follows Dr. Covan and his 3 new interns in a psych ward as well as their patients. It's interesting observing therapist interns learn, try new integrative methods, and develop a greater empathy towards patients.