New Years

Dad:   You want some desert?

Me:     Nah, one of my new year's resolutions is to
          have more discipline

Dad:   Yeah, but it's not the new year yet!

Me:     Okay I'll have desert


Mom:  This year we're gonna do it Japanese style
          and clean up the house before the new year

Me:     Japanese style? But you're Chinese..
          What's the Chinese style?

Mom:  Do nothing.

Me:     What's the Korean style?

Mom:  Eat kimchi.

God,
Please help me. God I need your wisdom and guidance. Restore me, lead me, teach me. Help me make good choices and to listen to your will. Abba Father, have your way with me. I surrender all to you. Your grace is sufficient. And in my weaknesses, may you be my strength. May you be glorified. Help me to step outside of my comfort zone. Give me clarity, direction and peace. Empower me. Give me the courage, confidence and self-discipline to be my best self. Help me to trust you more. Fill me with your love and joy. Thank you, Amen.

inner voices overthinking

it's been difficult to try and hold it all together. have you ever felt like you might just break? ive felt like exploding and just falling apart. ive been trying to do everything responsibly, but im so overwhelmed, and super tired. feeling stressed would be an understatement.

I feel a bit broken. i feel worried and confused. i feel depressed and negative emotions. i feel sad, lonely, defeated, empty, discouraged and angry at myself. i question myself, i doubt myself. sometimes fears overwhelm me.

what happens when i lose ppl in my life? What happens if i end up alone? What happens if i can't make enough money to survive? What happens if i never live up to my potential? What happens if my best efforts just aren't enough?

Sometimes i just need someone to tell me that it's all going to be okay.

I can hear two schizophrenic voices of myself talking to me. i ask myself if i can really do this all? Why am i doing this? Why am i really doing this? how do other people do it? How come my best doesn't seem good enough? it's too hard. i jus wanna drop everything. Im exhausted. im dead tired. im burnt out. i gots no energy.

i know negative thoughts and feelings don't do much good, but should we deny how we really feel? if i feel sad, isn't it okay to feel sad?

i wish i could turn back the time to when i could jus play in the sand as a kid. turn back the time to when i could jus play freeze tag. turn back the time to when i didnt hafta worry about anything.

Maybe you are trying to do to much. It's okay to slow down.

Don't give up. stop complaining. others have it way harder. and ur whining about feeling a little stressed? uve got it good. jus take it one day at a time. you're capable of doing it all. fight back. you can overcome these obstacles. You're much stronger than you think. what's really so hard? What do you really want? What's your goals? what's important to you? somethings must be fought through. and important things must be fought for. because in the end its worth it. motivate yourself. Challenge yourself. dont be afraid of hard work. giving up would be too easy. what would it really be like if u just gave up? things will get better. You'll get better. everything will be alright. believe you can succeed. You can choose who u want to be. You can make a difference for others. You can do great things. hard work pays off. just keep moving. Do your best. Be your best self. stop spendin all your money u fool! listen to music. study hard. eat right. work out. sleep early. balance your life. focus. Pray. trust. find your strength in God. I can do all things through him who gives me strength. persevere. Do not worry.

instead of listening to all ur inner voices, perhaps we should be trying to listen to God's voice. Wouldn't the God of the universe know what's best for us?

Matthew 6:25-34
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away  in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers/ lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, you of little faith? So do not worry, saying 'What shall we eat?' or 'what shall we drink?' or 'what shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

thoughts

I seem to have constant reoccurring lessons. it's easy to lose sight of our goals. it's easy to fall into apathy and just go through our daily routines. Ive been busy trying to juggle work and school that it's nice to jus have a day to not worry about anything. Every once in a while it's very refreshing to step outside of our circumstances and reflect on who we are, who we want to be and what we value.

This year i wanted to grow in self-confidence and somehow i think i have. If we grow in confidence we can tackle things in life without doubting ourselves. Who cares if we fail, that's part of the learning process. Who cares what others think, just be yourself. I also want to work on being more positive, that includes killing negative thoughts, how i view myself and how i interact with others. But.. easier said then done. Have you ever met someone who purposely tries to be very positive and smiles a lot? It's contagious. 

There's a verse in 1 Corinthians 13 that talks about how if we do not love, we are nothing. I remember we had to memorize this chapter in junior high and high school. If we don't love God, ourselves and others, really life becomes meaningless and also very empty. So with this it becomes pretty clear what is important in life. Treasure God's goodness, treasure relationships, see yourself and love yourself the way God loves you. And then when we look back at all our problems, anxieties, and insecurities, they really don't seem so bad in the big picture. In fact, life is actually really good!

Long Day

Today was a very long day. This morning we had a burial service for my popo. All the immediate family and some of her friends arrived. Popo didn't want a formal funeral. She didn't like to inconvenience others or draw attention to herself. She said if anyone really cares they'd come see me while im still alive. Which is actually a pretty good point. Even though the family wanted to have a funeral we respected her wishes and kept it simple. She was buried next to her dad.

We all wore either red or green, christmas colors! because red is good luck in Chinese and i guess green was her favorite color. So without really knowing how the burial would go, we began to each say a few things we remembered about her and then placed a white rose on top. She lived a long full life. And to be honest, longer than anyone really expected. She's finally able to rest in peace.

We then went to Asia Manoa which is a Chinese restaurant we went to last with her. This time it was different without her. I think her favorite topic to talk about was food. She would never waste any food. It was good to be with family and to celebrate her life.

The hard part of all of this is that this past week the family has been trying to clean up her apartment because she was somewhat of a hoarder. She kept everything, magazines, newspapers, books, CDs, tapes, vases, a whole cabinet full of napkins, towels, clothes, and more travel magazines. Just way too much stuff. Today we got a lot finished and gave donations to Salvation Army / Good Will. I've actually never really spent this much time with one of my uncles before so it was actually pretty nice. We had bulky items like a sofa, a bed, a table etc, and we couldn't find where to drop it off. Finally we found a place. Man just too much piles of junk. Apparently, one of her friends owns a thrift shop so we gave her a bunch of stuff too. Still so much to go through. im so burnt out.

Popo

My Popo was taken by the ambulance a few days ago because she has heart and breathing problems. She's had heart issues for years and for the past few months has shown short-term memory loss. She's been to the hospital many times before and they usually release her after a few days. We've had a handful of scares before, but she always seemed to recover and get better. She had a few surgeries and even had a heart pacer.

I remember when my grandpa passed away it was really hard on my mom. I never really knew my dad's parents because they passed away at a young age. So my popo on my mom's side was really the only grandparent i grew up knowing.

My uncle was with my grandma earlier this morning and said she was doing fine and being her talkative self. But sometime in the afternoon she took a turn for the worst and wasn't responding to anything anymore. She had no normal functioning because her body and mind were shutting down. The doctors said, "It's only a matter of time and that she's too weak to do any surgery." I rushed to the hospital and my mom and two uncles were already there. When i arrived she was able to open an eye and acknowledge that I was there. Her fingers would also squeeze mine too. But she wasn't able to talk or really move. I got to say some last rites through prayer. So it was good to say everything i needed to. My uncle then confessed to popo that he started a fire alarm when he was younger lol.

She used to watch me when i was young. I used to build pillow forts at her house and play with these really old yet fun toys. I remember I used to climb on a tree in her yard. She used to feed me ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner cuz i was so stubborn to eat anything else lol. She was a travel agent and traveled to over a hundred different countries. I remember going to Europe, China and the Bahamas with her. She lived to travel. She was very knowledgeable and was also willing to share interesting facts about history and culture. She loved reading and learning. She was social, had a strong work ethic and was always very thoughtful. She would always be concerned about others and give graciously to the less fortunate. As a word of advice, she would say, "One good investment, is worth a lifetime of labor." And she'd say "But one bad investment can make you go broke."

She also would take classes at UH even when i was going to college there and she would go to just learn and listen to lectures. She would also always invite us over for dinner and that would bring the family together. She never wasted food and always shared her love by giving gifts to people. She would force us to take food even when we didn't really want it lol. She also made the best jook. oh man it was good.

I remember she would try to tell a joke she heard and would completely forget how to tell it right lol. Something about how a guy had long hair, and his excuse was cuz Jesus had long hair, and his dad said, "Yeah well until you walk on water, cut your hair." She was someone who appreciated even the small things in life. She really appreciated art, history and different cultures. She would also be persistent at trying to get me to use her handicap parking pass. She would carry her cane and never really use it. Popo had such a great smile and laugh too, it was contagious. I remember one time she smashed a cockroach with her bare foot. i was like.. danng, that's super gross! Growing up some family would call me toph or tophi bucket and she would either call me honey bunny or more commonly "tofi." Sometimes i would give her a phone call and she'd answer who's this? I would say "Chris", she's like, "Who??" Then i'd say, "Tofi," Then she's like, "Ohh Tofi!" lol

More family members came in the hospital room and the nurse checked her heartbeat and pulse. She said that it got a lot weaker and her breaths were getting more and more shallow. The reality of having my popo leave started to really hit me. We all kind of knew it would happen one day, but for some reason i just didn't feel ready for this.

Our family then held hands and my uncle began to say a prayer again. My other uncle would grab my popo and say, "Mom! Mom!?" and she wouldn't respond. I was holding her hand hoping she would lightly squeeze my fingers like before. Everyone including myself started to cry. I looked up in the middle of prayer to look at my popo, she would take a very small faint breath. But the second time i looked up, i didn't see her breathing anymore. The nurse then interrupted and said she needs to listen with a stethoscope, and my uncle who's a doctor also said he couldn't feel a pulse.

At 5:45pm she passed away at the age of 88. I felt this sinking feeling because this was all too real. Someone i knew my whole life was no longer with us. it was like a candle flame slowly fading off. Some were trying to focus on celebrating her life, but for me at that moment it was too soon and that didn't help. everyone started to grieve in their different ways. We all began to hurt together. It was strange seeing family members break down in tears, it's just something i've never seen. It was painful. I needed to leave the room since i still couldn't believe it just happened like that all of a sudden. I was still in shock trying to process what just happened. Besides sad and confused i felt kind of angry. I had a hard time controlling my emotions, i wanted to throw the cup i was holding. i wasn't angry at God, cuz i know he'll take care of her, i honestly do hope and pray that she went to heaven because we were all very unsure about it.. I was just angry at sin and death. i dont think ur ever really ready to lose someone.. We all thought she would bounce back and keep going like she normally does. Even tho it was expected it still felt unexpected. It hurts losing a loved one. Part of me still refuses to accept that she's really gone.

Interestingly a few people ive talked to say that she's still with us. And i know what they mean, but its jus not the same. My mom says she still talks to her. Someone mentioned, that they are like ghost that live within us. And altho i understand what they're sayin, i still want to physically see the person and not just hold on to memories. also.. when someone passes away, it makes you wonder if you really did all that you could to spend time with that person and to be there for them. I think i definitely coulda been a better grandson. Sometimes my mom would ask to go visit her and i'd selfishly wanted to do my own things. I know i spent time with her, but it's hard to have no regrets at all.

In the positive light, the immediate family was all there, she wasn't in any pain and she got to go peacefully. I think this is probably the best way she wanted to go. I'm definitely gonna miss her. I'm glad that i did get to spend time with her in these past few years. My aunt is gonna fly in tomorrow to stay with us and help clean up her apartment. She literally has thousands of old magazines and newspapers. In a few days they'll have a burial for her. She didn't want a big formal funeral. She lived a long full life and I think she was ready to go. I pray that she's in God's care now and that we'll all be able to see her when it's our time to leave as well. Goodbye Popo, take care. you were the best. we'll miss you a lot. 

Christian Therapy and Cognitive Restructuring

There's been a lot on my mind lately. And since i'm going into the counseling field, i figured it'd be a good idea to go see a therapist. Ive seen about 4 christian counselors before, and its always been nice to unload my mind. There's an old stigma that you must be very mentally ill to see a therapist. But i think counseling can be very beneficial to everyone. I met with this counselor twice before over a year ago. Shes like a wise Chinese oracle that just says the things you need to hear. I like that she combines psychology with Christian theology and acknowledges how our spiritual walk with God affects us. It's nice to have someone just listen and focus on trying to help you become better.

The great thing about talking to a therapist is that they're held to strict confidentiality, and you can be honest with them and yourself. You don't need to really hide guilt and shame for your mistakes. They try to approach things with care and understanding rather than judgement. And in a way, i think this is what makes God so great too. We can confess sins and receive forgiveness, knowing that God loves us anyway regardless of how many times we screwed up.

the grind

ive been feeling exhausted lately. i guess that's been pretty usual.

kids

Today a 4 year old asked me, "Do you like to eat skunk doodoo?" No. "Do you like to eat hair?" No. Do you like to eat cold boogers?" Noo.. "Do you like to eat hot boogers?" lol No! "Do you like to eat ding dong?" NO!! Do you like to eat the toliet? No... Do you like to eat rice? Yeah. "Yeah everybody eats rice!"
"Do you have a girlfriend?" No. "Then who do you sleep with?" I sleep by myself. "Are you still not old enough?" No, im old enough. "So do you have a boyfriend?" No! "Do you have a husband?" NO! Stop asking me questions!

An Early Morning

I have a really weird sleep schedule. It's only consistent if i sleep really late and wake up late and get long naps at freedom. I usually wake up last minute after my 6 alarms to rush to work. And no matter how late i am, i always hop in the warm shower. it's jus one of those things u cant compromise. I'm usually a zombie groaning, walking into things and not all mentally there lol.

Last night i took some melatonin sleeping pills around 11pm and woke up around 3am cuz my fans were making me too cold and giving me sinus issues. So after i wake up to use the bathroom and get a drink of water, i realized I can't go back to sleep. So i figured i'd make use of the time. I got to eat breakfast and listen to music and watch random motivational speeches on youtube. 

There's this dude named Eric Thomas, and he was saying something like, Know what you want, know what's important to you, know your dreams and goals, know why you want them. Then go chase after and get them. Put in the hard work, the discipline and the sacrifice to be the greatest version of yourself. Live with purpose. So i was all amped up. i did some stretches and went for a run, which was really a jog, which was really a walk. I was kinda dying to catch my breath. But it was nice to wake up before everyone else and start the morning right. It feels good to be productive. Now i get to go to work early and start the week off somewhat rejuvenated.

In other news, I got a new job offer. I've been conflicted about accepting it or not cuz I know it's a big commitment and a lot of work. Sometimes i doubt my capacity, and don't want to over stress myself. But my dad reminded me that we're often stronger than we think, and we can do more than we think. I just finished another semester of night classes, and man am i tired of school. like really tired. Part of me doesnt think i have it in me to work full time. part of me just wants to quit school. The other part of me says suck it up and stay busy, just focus on one day at a time.

Lately I've been really stupid spending money irresponsibly (again), and i really really need to start saving up. So for that reason i feel like i should just accept the job offer even tho i know it's gonna take a lot of energy. One of the good things is that it's only a 5 minute drive away and its got air condition. AC is definitely a big factor. I guess i should just accept a new opportunity.

Whenever i have big decisions to make, i definitely over analyze. I'm so deliberative and contemplative that i never feel quite confident in making a decision. I have to work on being more decisive and confident in my choices. My dad tells me, "Sometimes in the moment you just have to make a choice and go with it, and if it's a mistake, learn from it and then let it go, don't look back. Otherwise you'll be holding too many regrets and second guessing yourself." But easier said then done.

I think self-confidence also changes how we interact with people. Sometimes i don't have the boldness to approach people, greet them and ask them questions about themselves. There's an art to asking good questions. i guess what im tryin to say is.. approach people with more confidence. yeah.

Contentment / More than Enough

I've been thinkin about some things lately. I noticed i'm often wanting what i don't have. (online shopping is such a good and bad thing..) We long and wish for things we lack. It could be a higher income, a dream job, a relationship, material things, to fix something that's out of our control, etc. What is it that we want? Do we really need it? I ask myself, "What do I desire? What am I focused on?" When we focus on what we don't have or what we've lost we begin to feel empty. But when we focus on all the things we do have, we begin to see how good our lives really are.

We constantly want to fill ourselves. I'm definitely not saying that it's wrong to want things. In many cases it can be a good thing. To want to be healthier, to want to strive towards our goals, to want more peace, to want healing, to want positive relationships, to make better choices, to move on, or to grow in character. However, some of the things we want can easily turn into idols. We think, "Man, if only I had _______" then I would be happy. So we buy things, we chase after and pursue things to try and fill the void. And the truth is, we really don't need the majority of these things to be happy, it's more of a want.

I've been trying to change the way I think by keeping things in perspective. My dad once said, "As you get older, you'll realize that there's a lot of things you have to do that you don't want to do." I've struggled with self-discipline since it's so easy to be lazy and stay within your comforts. I think i forget how much wealth and luxuries I have. I often complain about first world problems, I think, dang I hate folding laundry, but shouldn't i just be grateful that I even have clean clothes? No one enjoys washing dishes, but instead, maybe I can be thankful for even having food to eat and clean water to drink. If traffic is a pain, maybe we can be thankful for having a car to drive. When school gets stressful, remember that education is a blessing. When work gets tough, be grateful to have a job. And in the same way, I think hardships teach us to cherish the things we take for granted. For instance, when you're really sick, you become more thankful for when you're healthy, and when you've experience feeling alone, you become more appreciative for the good relationships you do have, and the people around you that are there for you.

There's a quote from an old poem that says something like, "I cried because I had no shoes, until i met the man who had no feet." It reminds me to put things in perspective. It reminds me that I don't truly know suffering and real hardship. It reminds me how blessed I am just to be able to have eyes that see, and feet that can walk. It reminds me how we live in a land of wealthy comforts, when other places don't even have clean water to drink. We envy what others have and forget how fortunate we really are. It reminds me that my problems are kind of petty when you really think about it. It reminds me to be thankful. It reminds me how gracious God is. Remember to always count your blessings.

My dad says my generation is the "now generation." Technology and wealth has led to instant gratification. We can get everything at a touch of a button within a few seconds. (Can you imagine back how life would be without computers and smart phones? dang..crazy when u think about it) We also generally lack a certain work ethic since so much has been given to us. My da used to work 3 jobs and do 18 credits. He paid his own way through school and endured law school with no finicial help. Everything he wanted, he had to earn and gain himself. It makes me feel spoiled since so much has been freely given to me. Im 27 and still depend on my parents for a lot. I want to stand on my own two feet, but life is just so expensive (especially in Hawaii). Unless you're uber succesful, how the heck do you really survive? No one wants to live paycheck to paycheck or be drowning in debt. I guess we all just have to work out butts off for the next 50 years. Can i please just plant a tree that produces money?
   
Sometimes i worry too much. I overthink. I'm surprised i don't have more wrinkles and grey hair from all the stress. Sometimes i worry about money, singleness, school, my career, and everything about the future. What if i fail at life? What if I don't get a good job? What if I'm not purposeful? What if im just not good enough? What if i end up forever alone? Why do I allow such negative thoughts to bother me? Shouldn't I be finding my contentment and peace in Christ?

Even if i dont succeed in life, even if i fail and don't reach my potential and expectations, don't i still have the love of God? Isn't that enough? Am i fully satisfied in Him? Is He truly my all in all? Is He really my greatest treasure or just someone to turn to when things get hard? The Lord is my shepherd, i shall not want, i have all that i need, I lack nothing. His grace is sufficient. In Him there is fullness. In Him I am truly satisfied.

I can get easily caught up with being only concerned for myself. It's selfish. It's prideful. It's easy to think about what we don't have and not be grateful for all that we do have. We forget to thank God. We fail to appreciate His blessings, and often miss what God is really doing behind the scenes. I know I can get so caught up with trying to do everything on my own that I don't really seek God's will or rely on Him when I should. Even though we continue to sin God just desires a relationship. Even though we don't truly give him the praise that he deserves, he still loves us and just wants to be with us. His grace is greater than all our sin, and that's enough reason to worship him in any and every situation.  

I realized that because our daily lives are so filled with distractions and constant stimuli, it's difficult to disconnect and to spend quiet time with God. How often do I really sit down and try to listen to God in silence? Sometimes i'm just too impatient or distracted to slow down a bit. Even 5-10 minutes of intentionally and purposely listening to God can change our entire day, sometimes even just one minute of stillness can do a lot. How often do we truly thank God? What would my life look like if I made God's will my own? What would I look like if I were filled with God's spirit and received all that He had for me? 

We constantly need to be refilled, otherwise we get exhausted, sick, stressed and burnt out. What or who is it that refills us? Shouldn't He be my source of rest, peace, joy and strength? He's ultimately the only One who can truly heal, replenish, restore and transform me. How often do we take the power of the gospel for granted? The good news is that we are forgiven by God's grace and accepted just as we are, the great news is that he doesn't leave us that way. He takes away our sin and gives us his righteousness. We have everything we need in Him. 


All of you is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with your love
and all I have in you is more than enough

"But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him." -Phil. 3:7-9

"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." -Phil. 4:11-14

Note to Self

In finding my best-self, here's a few things i need to remind myself to do. At least try to do..

-Love yourself
-Believe in yourself
-Work on your character, your values and your ethics

-Listen to your parents

-What you put in is what you get out

-Give up making excuses

-Be more responsible
-Be more productive
-Push yourself to be stronger
-Don't let anyone or anything stop you from achieving your goals
-Find your purpose and pursue it

-Make wiser choices

-Be others-minded

-Laugh, sing, dance

-Stop overthinking
-Give cheerfully and graciously 

-No such thing as time management, only management of the self

-You're a work in progress and further from where you started

-Make your desires, God's desires, make his ways, your ways, be holy as he is holy

-Keep your house clean! stop putting it off

-Be more organized

-Fold your laundry

-Do more chores

-Forgive yourself

-Apply yourself

-Improve yourself

-Invest in yourself

-Invest in friendships
-Say sorry

-Stop to help others

-Stop to listen to others

-Seize opportunities
-Savor moments
-Appreciate nature

-Grow in self-discipline and self-control
-Be more independent

-Stop getting so angry over small stuff

-Disappointment is inevitable, discouragement is a choice

-Go the extra mile

-Be the first in line

-Be more self-disciplined!

-Exercise and eat right!

-Enjoy music

-Enjoy silence
-Write
-Find new hobbies, try new things
-Don't let your dreams just be dreams

-Spend less time on technology
-Do what's right and not what's easy

-Count the cost and have courage to take risks

-Fight for those you want to keep in your life

-Make good habits with intentional resolve

-Pursue righteousness for God's glory not your own

-Smash your idols that distract you

-Let go of your regrets and mistakes in the past

-Education is never lost

-Keep moving forward

-Persevere, don't give up
-Brah, save yo money
-Have a positive self-talk
-Take care of yourself so you can take care of others

-Stop being lazy

-Stop complaining

-Stop caring what others think

-Stop self-condemning yourself

-Stop biting your nails
-Stop drinking too much sugary drinks, drink water

-Don't be a Don't-er, Do be a Do-er

-When it's time to work, work hard, when it's time to play, play hard

-Be honest and have integrity
-Be more decisive 

-Be patient with others and computers that piss you off
-Sacrifice for the things that are important to you

-Breathe
-Take small steps in the right direction

-Be more present

-Be a positive influence to others

-Be early and punctual

-Floss
-Enjoy where you are in life
-Be proud of your personal achievements

-Repent
-Have grace for yourself
-Stop being so self-critical
-Stop trying to impress others

-Know when to speak up and when to bite your tongue
-Who you are is more important than what you know or what you do
-Get out of your comfort-zone
-Don't let depression, self-defeat or pain stop you, fight through it
-if you want to be good at something, it might require a little bit of effort. If you want to be great at something, it's gonna take a lot of effort.
-Don't hold grudges

-See the good in others

-Drive more carefully

-Greet others with a smile
-Be a better friend

-Sleep earlier

-Wake up earlier
-Be consistent
-Foster healthy relationships
-Good teachers are first good students

-Don't listen to your heart. Listen to God.

-Have deeper faith

-Give thanks to God
-Meditate on His Word, and apply it

-Abide and Remain in His love

-For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also
-Joy comes from within, it comes from God, God is your joy
-God provides us the strength to overcome our obstacles
-Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your strength
-Ask according to His will and it will be given
-Seek first his kingdom, his rule and reign in us
-God is your fortress, your shield, your refuge, your hiding place
-God restores and empowers
-Find rest and peace in God

-Grow in contentment

-Find your best-self and keep it
-Stop worrying so much
-Have fun

-Don't focus on what you don't have, but grateful for what you do have

-Don't let failure discourage you

-Don't let your dreams just be dreams, just do it!
-Live the life you want
-Be early
-Dont take shortcuts that cheat yourself
-You can learn something from everyone
-Behind every face there's a story
-Push pass the pain barrier
-Embrace your potential
-Choose your words carefully
-Relate to others

-Be yourself, don't try to be anyone else, be you

-Be confident
-Be silly

-Be kind and compassionate

-Read what you just wrote and do them

too hyper

I went to workout with a friend these last two days. ive been really inconsistent. ive been sick a lot since the beginning of this year.. them children keep coughing in my face. it's hard to be consistent with exercise when there's too much stuff to do. perhaps i just make excuses. i usually say, "im too tired today." but, when you think about it, getting to the gym or forcing yourself to do some physical exercise really fuels you with more energy somehow.. change really takes a lot of commitment and discipline. it usually takes at least 3-4 weeks to build up new habits and changes to our lifestyle. it's not hard to try new things. it's sticking to them that's the challenge. eating healthy, sleeping early and working out for a day or two really doesn't do much if we don't have the consistency.

i bought a new pre-workout called "Pre-Kaged" and man.. a few gulps and im like "GWARaaaAAAHHHHHE%VET$sjlsf!!!!!!!" and then i do kung fu and shoot fireballs and go super saiyan, and then i yell in my car like a maniac.. I yell, "RWARRRR!! YEAHHHH BUDDDY!! LIGHTNING!! WHOOO!! YAHHHHHH!!! LET'S GOO!! RWARRRAAHH!!" and then have to pee like crazy, and will have insomnia later, but man.. a good hard workout never makes you feel more alive. and there's something really spiritual to working out too, i can't quite explain it.  and then it wears off a little and ur like, "dang these weights are heavy."

my friend is much stronger than me, he lifts like almost everyday and does a lot of power lifting. It's crazy how much weights he moves so easily. doing anything with 300-400 pounds is jus nuts. his type of routine is really different from mine. I'm usually doing higher reps and more exercises then just a few max strength ones. we jus did squats, dead lifts and bench press. i was able to bench press and squat 200 pounds. And for not being in the gym conditioning or training myself these past months, i was really impressed i was able to do that much, i guess my extra fat gave me extra power lol.

The pre-workout had so much caffeine in it, i could still feel it the next morning rushing in my blood. I couldnt sit still. I had more energy then all my kids, which is a never. Having so much extra energy made me really really hyper, yet really happy and much more relational and silly with everyone. It felt good to be alive and energetic. It's so fun when i get to just spend time with kids and give them big hugs. All i wanted to do was dance and laugh and make jokes and greet everyone. I think everyone could tell i was definitely out of my usual sluggish demeanor and norm since im usually half zombie in the mornings. then by the afternoon i went from having way too much energy to crashing down to zero and wanting to take a long nap.

going back to working out. There's something about challenging yourself to be better and stronger that really lights a fire within. Pushing yourself to accomplish something hard and doing it well is really rewarding. With weights, it requires you to focus and summon all your physical strength and mental energy to lift something friggen heavy. The physical discipline really does increase and challenge your inner strength as well. one of the reasons i really enjoy lifting, sports and exercise is because it's fun to do with friends. training in the gym or doing a sport by yourself just isnt nearly as fun.

It's interesting how failure is often a good thing when working out. It requires our bodies to get stronger to handle the weight. I think challenging yourself to be better applies to many areas of life. Difficult challenges force us to give our best. Change is difficult, but very possible. It can sometimes be discouraging to take steps backwards, but sometimes that's part of the process. it's picking yourself up and continuing to press forward. Sometimes it's enduring the painful process that makes us stronger.

This past year i've really been contemplating what I really want to do in life. lol and if u know me, i think about that a lot. Perhaps the question should change to who do I really want to be? Even though our careers aren't necessarily our purpose, we spend a long time doing them so i think it should be a part of what we hope to achieve in this life. As much as i do enjoy teaching preschool, deep down, my heart keeps going back to counseling and ministry. There are more conversations that are much deeper than the shallow surface level. It's these conversations that inflict change, healing, inspiration, and transformation... the important stuff. Listening to someone bare their issues, hardships, thoughts and feelings about something is where we're really able to connect and bond with each other. I have a lot of self=doubts about pursuing mental health counseling. Sometimes climbing mt. Everest seems easier than the thought of going back and finishing school.

school is expensive. imagine having debt and then digging down at least 60k more in debt. not to mention the mental torment going to night classes for several hours a week, writing papers and taking test for a few years. does that really sound smart? is it really worth it? it's gonna take a long time to graduate and get all the internship/ clinical hours done which might not even be paid. even after i graduate it's another 2 years of racking up 1200 hours, then it's joining an agency for awhile before i can even think about a private practice. And then even after i've done all that, do i really want to work my butt off to schedule consistent clients that are dealing with severe issues and listen to 20-30 clients a week? mm.. idunno.. sounds a bit much dontchya think? so it's either that, or... ??? yeah the original plan was pastoral counseling and ministry, but.. that's another story.. man when u think about it.. work is a huge bulk of our life, and if we don't really like what we're doing, or find much purpose to it, it's easy to get burnt out.

when i think about what i want to do in this life, i really want to make an impact in people's lives, and help them grow to be better, and to encourage them to be their best. Counseling and ministry stand out to me because those seem to be the best two option for me to offer care to others. However, we must first take care of ourselves, and love ourselves before we can really help and be there for others. im learning that one of the best ways to express love to others is to just be more present with them. To enjoy being where you are and who your with at that moment. we have the ability to be a positive influence and to build healthy relationships. we have the ability to praise God in everything and anything that we're doing, no matter the situation, we can choose to be loving and kind, or we can choose to just think about ourselves.

This morning i got to talk to a friend who's been going through a lot of stress with her problems. i can tell she's been holding it all in for a while. I usually shy away from saying bold things like, "Hey, is it okay if I pray for you now?" but i did, and was able to support her even if through a short prayer. Because it's common for my co-workers and i to get burnt out, i started this thing where at our break time we share one verse with each other, and it's really been a great way to encourage and remind each other of how great and sovereign our God is. it's a reminder that He's ultimately in charge and in control. It shifts the reliance of ourselves to a reliance on God, and that really does make a big difference.

highlights

ive been sick for a while now. and these two girls that come to preschool early in the morning decided to play doctor. I was picked to be the patient, lol. They started to take random toys off the shelf and started to give me shots. They pretended to hear my heart beating and also took my temperature. i feel pretty blessed to have such playful and loving students.

During afternoon snack, i also had two boys taking their shirts off and putting them on their heads, it was too hilarious to tell them to stop fooling around lol. Then this one girl had a laughing attack and wouldn't stop laughing, it was too contagious and priceless. kids are way more fun than boring adults.

Mm..oh we also went to the zoo for a field trip. that was exciting since it's not everyday you get to see tigers, elephants, monkeys and giraffes. They had a lot of fun in the petting zoo, but the rest of the zoo was quite a bit of walking for them. I was so worried of losing one of my kids the whole time, lol. i kept doing headcounts like every 10 minutes.

We do language arts, math, science, social studies, and art, but it's nice to just relax and watch a fun movie. Our class just got this dvd player that has netflix, hulu, and youtube. So we get to watch stuff like Finding Nemo, Frozen Fever, Kung Fu Panda, and some other educational stuff. I wanted to watch Wreck It Ralph, but i got out voted by Inside Out :/ Im gonna bring a bunch of DVDs so we can party! I also really wanna watch The Incredibles again. We have May Day and our graduation performances that we hafta prepare for. For our graduation we have a Disney theme! I know im gonna end up missing my kids..

there's these youtube videos of a game called Just Dance. I play a bunch of silly songs with dances to follow and it's pretty fun to do with all the kids. We basically just end up doing our own uncoordinated dances. it's a blasty blast.

Striving to Flourish

This past year i wanted to find more balance and peace. I wanted to grow in maturity and in inner strength to overcome obstacles. I wanted to become more responsible and independent. And I think i did grow in these things. Sometimes progress is never simply moving forward. Sometimes we really need to face ourselves and ask ourselves who we are and who we want to be. I feel like i often have to confront myself and challenge myself to be better. I sometimes wrestle with pessimism and perfectionism which can be very self-defeating. I'm either angry at myself, too critical on my mistakes or too lazy to try and change. But it's in the process of overcoming our internal battles, our pain and times of discouragement that makes us stronger. Ultimately it's finding our identity in Christ that really gives us the power to change. Overall I think the two things i really learned this year were self-love and self-confidence, and i guess they're very interrelated. These are definitely areas that i still need to work on.

Making new year's resolutions is easy. Keeping them is the hard part.